This is simply one I keep tucked away in my handbag of wit.
"It's a shame you don't have a glass bellybutton - with your head that far up your arse, you could look out and see where you're going."
( Syncubus Yarr! Ye'll be walking Planck's Constant! [GMT-5], Fri 30 Apr 2004, 21:52, Reply)

Time i felt like a verbal bad-ass.
I have always been quite thin, despite eating like Brain Blessed with the munchies.

Walking through tesco one day, and a particularly common sounding london woman said to her friend,

"Gawd, 'asn't he got scrawny arms?"
"And haven't you got a fat arse", I replied, and then felt dissapointed that nobody I know was there to hear it.
( Kung_Fu_Russ ran out of amusing signatures on, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 21:47, Reply)

Not really a retort, but here it is anyway:
back in year 7, shortly after i had started big boy school,i was slightly accosted by a larger,
somewhat chavvy boy who seemed to want to prove himself to be hard. i, being a skinny runt of a lad, nutted him.
well, it did leave him lost for words.
(Slurpy The Frog, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 21:20, Reply)

My mates were at the Comedy Club in London,
and insisted on sitting at the front row... despite the fact that they're all complete and utter chavs.

Jimmy Carr - "The hair gel crew are here tonight I see" *runs hand over their heads, making a "schlluuuuurrrrrp" sound.

To a particularly camp friend - "Look, I'm socially gay - I can tell when a woman has changed her hair, and compliment her on her shoes. But that does not mean I want your cock up my arse".

Friend - "I've seen you on Channel 4!". JC - "Really? Thanks for clearing that up! I thought their transmitters might be broken or something".

Shazia Mirza, the Muslim comedienne, shortly after September 11 - "Hello, I'm Shazia Mirza... at least, that's what it says on my pilot's license".

My mates saw her at the Comedy Club, and being a racist cnut, one of them started staring at her evilly.

SM - "Don't worry... I'm not going to blow myself up"
( Detrius521, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 21:20, Reply)

it really was much more of a visual one but...
when I was at school I was playing Netball and one of the girls missed a very easy shot at goal, I made a sarcastic comment to a team mate which she half heard & turned round to me & said "If you've got anything to say to me, say it to my face!" then turned her back on me.... I bent down & level with her arse said
"you are fucking crap missing an easy shot like that!"
Cue the rest of the team pissing themselves laughing & her going the colour of beetroot...
Then I realised she was very hard & liked to thump people in her spare time... quick exit after showers for me that day!
(Monskervator the Monsk, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 21:20, Reply)

Oh yeah... old one from heavy drinking days
In a dodgy pub in Darkest Darlington I used to fritter my fortnightly giro on a night of Dionysian excess. Being there to get bladdered rather than to socialise I (apparently) had a somewhat enigmatic persona.

So this one night, Saint Giro had lain her heavenly touch on my finances. After spending about ten quid on a fortnight's grub I went to consummately piss the rest away. Cue some young, fresh-faced, still-in-sixth-form plastic goth bint who tried to make conversation.

It was when I was told "You'd be quite nice if you didn't drink so much" that it got really irritating. The reply?

"Well, you'd look be pretty nice if you had plastic surgery".

Blew out a potential shag but I got bought drinks on the strength of that for *weeks* after. And isn't that the most important thing?
(_(_(_(_(_(_(_(_(_ =o.o=, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 21:19, Reply)

sorry for another one
While riding my bike to work, I signalled for a good 20 meters before I put my arm back on the bars and began to turn. As I did so, some dozey twat in an MGF blared his horn and shouted "Use your fucking hand signals" Which I replied to with a hand signal of my own, possibly not an accepted road signal, though.
(SpookTheHamster, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 21:06, Reply)

with wit this sharp, it's no wonder they call me butterknife
First one, in Sainsburys there was a rather loud and angry woman in front of us, swearing at the cashier. I said something along the lines of "just shut up and get on with it" to which a man nearby replied "oi, that's my wife you're talking to"..without thinking, i responded with "shush, we aren't hear to talk about your problems"

Second, but not really a retort to an insult. Whenever anybody phones for me and my dad answers, if the first thing they say is "is martin home?" he will simply say "yes" and put the phone down.
(SpookTheHamster, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 21:02, Reply)

To a colleague who's just discovered the joys of statistical analysis
and seeks to use his new toy at every opportunity:

"43% of statistics are generated using completely arbritary figures you know."

He looked pensive, and I thought he'd got the joke. Didn't stop him quoting it as verbatim fact at a direct reports meeting tho.
(_(_(_(_(_(_(_(_(_ =o.o=, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 21:02, Reply)

a guy in a fast car...
...almost ran over my daughter in a garage forecourt. i asked him to pay attention and he started shouting. so, in front of everyone i said: it's obvious, you don't have kids, your always too fast! - red face and merryment all around...
( politico, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 21:00, Reply)

I was called by a colleague
the conversation went thus
Colleague
"Can you see why this customers delivery has not arrived"
Me
"I'm sorry, but the system is down, you'll have to ask them to call back"
Colleague
"well can you not guess?"
Me
"Not really"
Colleague (getting stroppy)
"Well what do you expect me to tell them?"
Me
"Tell them my Psychic Module has failed because the crystal ball plug-in is not working!"
colleague
"..... click"
(Monskervator the Monsk, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 20:58, Reply)

My brother's mate
My brother worked in a government department in his gap year. One of their hated seniors was giving some sort of speech, and ended with "There's no I in team!"...

to which my brother's mate replied "There's no U either, so fuck off".

Don't think he stayed long.
( Detrius521, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 20:57, Reply)

I was with my brother when he said this....
Me and my brother were walking along Sauchiehall Street in Glasgow when one of those annoying student fuckers from "Quarriers" - (A local childrens home charity) tried to stop us with his clipboard to make a donation. This particular lad looked every inch a student and had a ginger mullet and ginger fanny beard. As we walked past he said "Hey guys! Have you got a minute to talk?"
My brother said as always, "No mate, we dont sorry".
Trying to be funny, the ginger tink says "Oh that's a shame, I take it it's me ginger beard?" and stroked it trying to be funny. In a moment of sheer genius my brother said:
"No, it's your ginger mullet you cunt".
We just walked away while I tried to stop the piss running down my leg.
(richeybai Hum my chuckies, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 20:55, Reply)

Im going to burn in hell, really, I think I am
Im not the nicest person when it comes to arguing and i have a reputation for being a complete bitch with disregard for all human feelings.

one one fine occasion some twat in my maths class was calling me gay. I am gay, but more to the point, i don't like people screaming it at me. Eventually i got tired of his myriad of 'homo' jokes and told him that he should of been scraped. The room fell into silence. Later i was told his mum had just had to have an abortion.

Another one was when some girl who was going on about how she crashed her car, and i told her that the world would be a better place if she'd have gone through the windscreen.

Im going to hell x
(spookyfish, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 20:54, Reply)

When I was much younger
I went with my dad to the store one day. The lady in front of us wouldn't stop swearing, so my dad asked her nicely to stop swearing since I was with him. She then turned to him and said something along the lines of "Why don't you shut the fuck up asshole" (you could tell she was a real high class lady: pure white trash)
My dad's reply, "Takes one to know one." Sure, it's old, but it was effective in getting her to look even more stupid, because the only thing she could fire back was the ever so witty "Oh yeah? Fuck you."
( Or is it?, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 20:44, Reply)