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This is a question Best Comebacks

At some point we've all been insulted. What's the wittiest retort you've ever uttered leaving the antagonist lost for words? Share your wisdom so that we learn, and have a come back ready for every occasion.

(, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 14:19)
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This question is now closed.

tutor at college says...
would you like to do be a favour, to which i reply, "i'd rather shove bees up my arse"
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 17:36, Reply)
bit of an acropyhuphal one...
Smoking under a no smoking sign.
A passing cleaner arsely says 'can't you read?'

To which you must reply.

'Yeah, it's why I'm not a fucking cleaner.'
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 17:35, Reply)
at school
in art one of the girls were showing off as usual, she says "i'm very artistic", to which i shout" NO...Autistic!!"
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 17:35, Reply)
Withnail had a good one
'you can stuff it up your arse for nothing, and fuck off whilst you're doing it'

just beautifully written and delightfully acted
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 17:27, Reply)
This was my friends
we are constantly accosted by hari krishnas on the street trying to get money from us. the majority of people walk away, but generally get caught. we came up with the (seemingly) ingenious plan of just confusing them. see, if, when approached, you say something like "i'm allergic to shelfish " or "oh wow, i'm jewish" they stop to think, and you can scurry away. After a while, though, my mate sean got a bit pissed off with them, and had a plan.

it was this.

the next time a "gouranga" person accosted him on the street, saying " do you know the word?" he pulled out a mini pocket bible, held it at their face at arms length and began screaming "THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!"

he doesn't get a lot of bother now.
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 17:26, Reply)
So there's this bloke
Winston Churchill or something, and he's talking to Lady Astor or something about poisoning biscuits, because every time he ate one he shagged her mum until the ice cream van arrived, and the man shouted "Your Mum", but there was no ice cream because it was playing a tune....
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 17:22, Reply)
Possibly not safe for work =)
Someone once made a wise crack at me so I replied "Have you ever been raped by a clown?" They of course replied "no, why?". This then gave me the chance to say "Because you wouldn't know funny if it got up and fucked you." Now, I'm sure I can't take credit for this wonderful put down but I can't for the life of me remember where I heard and none of my friends do. So if any one knows please let me know. =)
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 17:14, Reply)
In London's 'vibrant' Soho...
I was apprached by an prostitute who was trying to prostitute herself upon me. She was dead tacky and cheap. Said she, in broad cockney, "Orlright love, are you lookin' for a lady?"
I said, "No, and if I were, it certainly wouldn't be you."
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 17:11, Reply)
Fat comeback
Some fat bloke who sits opposite me at work enjoys the 'your mum' jokes. After he sent about 15 my way (with no reply from me) I asked the guy who sits next to me 'Do you hear that?'

'Hear what?'

'It sounds like someones slapping two bags of fat against eachother'
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 17:05, Reply)
Save your breath mate.
You need it to blow up your girlfriend.
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 17:00, Reply)
I'd love to continue this conversation,
but I don't have my English to wanker dictionary.
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 16:58, Reply)
When questioned by a Brazillian girl how we managed to be so rude to girls without getting slapped, I simply replied "because if i call you a slut now, you'll laugh". And she did. Its now an ongoing joke and she still laughs.
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 16:54, Reply)
A mate stole a comeback that I'd thought up...
that i knew in would be able to use at some point in my life if someone ever gave me grief.
"i'm sorry, i don't speak cnut"

This doesn't really count does it?
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 16:53, Reply)
Old Student House
A regular visitor at a friend of mines house, the lack of radiators induced frostbite and all other maladies.

The living room in particuar could keep ice sculptures in pristeen condition, especially when the door to the kitchen was left open.

One evening, a group of us had gathered round and after getting a nice cup of tea I had neglected to close the door to the kitchen.

Greeted by a chorus of "Where you born in a barn?" from my mates, I casually looked looked up and said "No, I was born in a house with central Heating!"
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 16:53, Reply)
a larger'd up 'youth' on a bike...
...was giving out a load of lip one saturday night to a bunch of friends, to which a mate replied, 'good luck with the a levels'

funnier when taken into account he was chasing him down the road waving his fist at the time, as the guy rode of rather sharpish on his bicycle.
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 16:45, Reply)
When under pressure
my mate always has a quick quip.
My favourite was when a certain young lady screamed at him,"why do you always lie?". He calmly replied, "because I can & because I'm a cnut"
Cheers Timmy if your reading ;)
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 16:43, Reply)
A heckle at a speed-o-meter gig at the jazz cafe
'does anyone want to come to a party in stoke newington?'

apparently that was pretty funny.
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 16:34, Reply)
While walking through town, we were accosted by a chap with a collection box for the charity now known as Scope. He shook it right in my face and yelled "Spastics!".

"You're the fucking spastic mate", I replied.

I don't think he was though, but it *is* hard to tell with some of them, isn't it?
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 16:33, Reply)
more of an insult than a comback, but classy all the same
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 16:31, Reply)
May have been said
but the 'yo mamma' jokes had taken a rise in popularity and someone spewed a load at me with his mates. while the jokes were quite funny, I cant stand the bastard, so I kept a straight face and waited until he finished, then replied.

'My Mam is dead'

and walked off

Oh yeah I also once saw a street performer shout at a bunch of charvers bothering him,
"yeah, yeah, welcome to puberty!" which shut them up (because a crowd of about 150 burst out laughing at them)
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 16:29, Reply)
I find the words


usually do the trick.
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 16:27, Reply)
mum bashing
I'm not usuakly a fan of the "yo mamma" jokes, but i heard a kid on the bus the other day come out with a fucking stormer!

He and his mate were sat there ripping each other, and his mate called his ma a slag, so he turns to him and says with a grin

"yeah, well your mum's so fat it takes to bus rides and a train to reach her good side"

Laugh? I nearly soiled myself!
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 16:27, Reply)
A kind of 'action' comeback
I was driving my car with a friend in the passenger seat on a nice hot Summers' day in central London.

I pulled out of a junction infront of another car, which wasn't going too fast, and the driver made a really big deal out of accelerating and speeding up to my car, then screeching to a halt.

He then pulled up alongside my car, and staring straight ahead, held his glasses out of the window with a complete expression of contempt on his face - as if to say:
"here you go, you're obviously blind so you can borrow my glasses'.
hahahahaha - what a comedian.

So we grabbed the glasses and drove off. Twat.

* He did get out at the next lights and (rather sheepishly) reclaim them, by the way.
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 16:27, Reply)
red-faced me
One staff meeting we were sitting around discussing the need for a lumbar puncture/spinal tap for a patient. I said, "Isn't there any other way? LPs are so horrible. All I remember (when I had one) is my knees on my shoulders and screaming."

The senior doctor there quietly said, "Would you quit talking about your honeymoon already?"
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 16:11, Reply)
When i was a teenager...
I was having a sneaky ciggie in a train waiting room, and this busybody old fart came up to me.
He pointed at a "No Smoking" sign above my head and said "Can you read?"

I stuck two fingers up at him and said "Can you count?"
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 16:11, Reply)
at my expense..
a good one, but done to me unfortunately..

I'd been out the night before, got a bit battered and pulled a bit of a minger, which my friends had seen..

So we were sat around the next day and I'm moaning about my boss 'I hate it when people pull rank on me'

so my other 'mate' pipes up 'yeah but you pulled rank last night!'

all too true.. arse.
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 16:04, Reply)
Battle of wits
It normally starts off well: "If it's a battle of wits you're after - I don't fight with unarmed men", but then I usually go and spoil it with a particularly unwitty - "now FUCK OFF!"
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 16:03, Reply)
Best Comeback
Someone Says 'Your Mum!'
You reply 'Yeah? Your Gran!'

Simple but accurate.
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 15:56, Reply)
My mate was telling me recently that he was set to reverse into a parking space, when some idiot drove in and pinched it. My mate got out of the car and an argument ensued. After a few minutes of arguing the other driver told my mate "to get back in the car you fat c**t".

My mate replied "Well you know the reason why I'm so fat dont you?, everytime I shag your mum she gives me a biscuit"

The other bloke replied "Well that must have been a load of biscuits then"

To which my mate replied "EXACTLY!", and then got back in the car and drove off.
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 15:53, Reply)
And I did get into them, eventually!
I was once talking to a girl in a bar - she was wearing really tight jeans. I asked her. "How do you get into those jeans?" Her reply, "A gin and tonic would be a good start!" Nice! And I did get into them, eventually!
(, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 15:51, Reply)

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