Don't worry, I'll do all the washing up
as soon as I've finished smoking some of this.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Tue 7 Dec 2010, 23:16, 2 replies)

At the risk of being cliche
"I'd never break up with you, I love you"

2 days later she dumped me via text. Seen her once since to get my guitar back.
(Stu in the hat is frothing at the gash, Tue 7 Dec 2010, 21:31, Reply)

I said I would take part in "Gnome Day".
The worst part is I only just realised that it has been and gone.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Tue 7 Dec 2010, 20:26, 1 reply)

"Let me have a card on your Amex account" she said...
..."and I'll do that thing* you want me to do".
"Promise?" I asked.
"Of course" she said.

Do I need to say any more?



* Of course it involved bedroom gymnastics. Are men motivated more by anything else?
(randomstupidname would really like this signature field to be bigge, Tue 7 Dec 2010, 17:29, 13 replies)

I promise
That I will leave the company, if she comes back off maternity leave. The way she fake laughs makes me want to scream. I know we all do it to a certain extent but not with such enthusiasm
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Tue 7 Dec 2010, 16:54, 4 replies)

Life in a Northern Town…..
After opening an account on B3ta all those years ago I promised that I would not do two things:

1) Re-post any of my own stuff

and

2)Post something that is so big I have to put it in the replies section.

I have broken promise number two, my original answer is in the replies.
(mon bison powered by magnets, Tue 7 Dec 2010, 16:14, 4 replies)

I promise that my views are correct, truthful and sincere.
That despite what anybody says, I am a man of morals and principals. Nothing is fixed here, honest guv!

Merry Christmas No.1..*coughs*..and a Happy New wad of cash in my bank account.

All the best,
Simon Cowell
(TheRiddler Hmmmmm... I concur., Tue 7 Dec 2010, 14:59, 1 reply)

Gillette promised
that if I bought their razor, not only would I have a chin like virgin's thigh, but a fit babe would come into the bathroom every morning in her underwear, and gaze lovingly at me while stroking it.*

Neither happened. And apparently that's not enough to get your money back!

* my chin, I mean. Though other implications were there in the ad too
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Tue 7 Dec 2010, 14:43, Reply)

I do.
(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Tue 7 Dec 2010, 14:30, 6 replies)

Don't worry about the woods being dark
I'll make sure you're safe.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 7 Dec 2010, 14:07, 4 replies)

She promised that she wouldn't change
Then again, I promised that I would.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Tue 7 Dec 2010, 13:43, Reply)

Not a Funny One For my First Post
So be warned..

My mum marrying my Dad because she was 3 months pregnant set us up for a good start. My family are Jehovah's Witnesses (except my Aunts and Uncles and me, we have our own minds) To show how happy a family life it was, my older sister admitted to Dad that our brother had been abusing her for years. My younger sister too admitted it had been happening to her. I stayed quiet when I realised what they got in return for coming forward - shunned for opening their mouths and weeks of Dad mourning the fact that something so shameful could happen in our family. No police involved, nothing, it was just never mentioned again. My older sis went on to develop a problem with drink and drugs which all stemmed back to this lack of support (funnily enough mum and dad were quick enough to shop her when they found herbs in her bedroom) and eventually had an accident after a night out on the hard stuff, killing her. Even as my Dad told us I could see the lack of sympathy on his face, as if to say "served her right". She had only just turned 18.

I moved out of home when I reached 18 and didn't want to be one of 'them' - after that Dad started treating me like I wasn't welcome in the home anymore - literally. He started locking the front door on me when I went out. Around the time of me getting the f*ck out of there Mum took me to one side and said "promise me if you ever get in trouble, come home. It doesn't matter what's happened, I promise your room will be here if you need it".

Fast forward 7 years, I've had nothing to do with them apart from the odd text, letter from my nan etc. Their choice, not mine. I've done well, working, got car. I'm working as live-in nanny to four children and the parents relationship is in tatters. One night he hits me in front of the kids so I pack a bag and go to a friends. Shit, I think, I need somewhere to live. My mum made that promise...I can go there just for a couple of weeks until I sort myself. So I phoned her, reminded her and said I really needed to take the offer. I'll have a word with your Dad, she says. "No" he says matter of factly, "I don't think it would be a good idea" - all stemming back to the fact that I'm not one of them. "Ok," I say, "I'll sort something" and hang up. And cry. I broke my heart crying for days. How can a mother do that, let someone else with a history of not giving a shit about others just leave her own daughter homeless? Genuinely homeless. She didn't even step in. My friend couldn't put me up for long so off to a shitty flatshare with a lad I didn't know it was for me until I got the f*ck out of there too.

End of the story (Jesus this is getting long), I'm now happily with my man, I'm 13 weeks gone (mum couldn't even bring herself to congratulate me despite two miscarriages) and she'll never meet her grandchild. Don't even ask whether my Dad will. I'm ashamed to admit were related.

Religion sucks and if you ever meet one of these people, run. Run away very fast. Especially if they have my surname.
(imanaturalblonde, Tue 7 Dec 2010, 13:18, 13 replies)

Promises, Promises
I promised my ex-flatmate not to laugh at his terrible, world-shattering news.

Now about my ex-flatmate, let's call him Tom.
Tom is a nice enough guy: home educated until GCSEs, did well, then went to a proper sixth form, where he discovered girls, booze, drugs and the sexually lubricating effects of playing the guitar well.
So needless to say he did pathetically in his A-Levels, dropped out, became a musician and developed the sexual morals of an unspayed alleycat.

Some years later, we got back in touch. We both lived in Sheffield and were both paying too much for our respective tiny rooms, so we pooled our resources and got a nice house together and the good times rolled.
Tom was a great bloke to go out on the piss with, a constant source of high-quality herbiage and a purveyor of women so loose they only wore panties to keep their ankles warm. Happy times.

Tom's downfall came in the form a particularly loose, and particularly stupid woman named, ooh, let's say Amanda.
Amanda was extraordinarily slutty, deeply in love with Tom, and so stupid that the only knife in the draw less sharp was actually a spatula.

Example: Amanda is in our front room and is cold. We're all pretty sloshed, so I point to the thermostat control and say: The Thermostat's there, turn it up if you want to.
Amanda: ...
Me: Just there, see?
Amanda: ...
Me: Is there a problem?
Amanda:...What's a thermostat?

Fast forward several months. Tom and Amanda have broken it off. Tom has a new girlfriend. He gets a call from Amanda.
She's pregnant.
It's his.

He tells me and is obviously distraught. I'm supportive, for a while, but I have the devil in me. A week or so later, Tom is wondering around the house like a lost soul, and decides to turn the heating up.

I creep up behind him as he approaches the control, crouch down and say, in a high, childish voice:

"What's a thermostat, daddy?"

I'm going to hell, for that, if nothing else.
(universalpsykopath loves what you've done with your hair., Tue 7 Dec 2010, 12:37, 1 reply)

Work
Ok this may sound like a pretty stupid one but I once made a promise to myself to quit my job and never look back. To stop this story taking up a whole page I will fill you in on the basics, I had a job in metalwork and despite the fact that it was a very niche trade I did pretty well for myself. The hours were long and although the payoff could be good I will admit that the business was starting to drop off as people went for more modern (Or cheaper) alternatives that were usually readymade and available there and then rather than waiting for me to get to work and design the thing from scratch.

One morning I woke up and realised that I was going nowhere, my current client base was not the best and I wasn’t too happy when I saw what someone had done to one of my earlier metal works (It wasn’t brought back in for me to repair it was just something I heard froma friend which was eventually clarified to me later).

I realised that people didn’t really appreciate my artistic work and immediately closed my business there and then. I notified my current client base and took up a job as a chef (My second favourite pastime). I know that the idea of someone quitting over such a trivial matter sounds stupid but everything I built myself was pretty personal to me.

I managed to go a good few years in the catering side of things and worked my way up to the position of head chef at my own little place. I would have been content with it until by chance a passing tourist called in and recognised me from my old days (I thought that I had changed a bit in the 25 year hiatus but apparently I am quite a memorable person).

Anywhoo this old client of mine asked me to do a little work for her and I mentioned that I hadn’t done anything in years and made a promise to myself that I would not go back but the lady was pretty persuasive and like the dumb ass that I am I ended up doing the job for her for free. The sad thing is that she didn’t do anything sexual with me to get the favour she just mentioned a person that pissed me off so much I had to do something, so thanks a lot Bill I wasted a lot of time building that sword. I know it is my best work and I’m sure you are going to have a hard time stopping her when she finally gets to you.

Regards

Hattori Hanzo
(Apologies for length and if this has already been done)
(mon bison powered by magnets, Tue 7 Dec 2010, 12:25, 3 replies)

I went to promise land and all they brought me was this lousy meatloaf
I promised I would do anything for love, but I wouldn't do that.

Guess what I did?

Yeah. THAT.
(vanillarama has been dancing on your coffee table since, Tue 7 Dec 2010, 12:02, 1 reply)

I had one in mind, but...
I promised myself never to answer a b3ta Question of the Week.

...bugger.
(lobbster will get a better board sig sometime after, Tue 7 Dec 2010, 10:50, Reply)

Starting early
Broken promises in my life started even before I was born: my mother’s gynaecologist told her she was infertile and would never need to use birth control again. Then 1 year later promised her ‘it will be a girl!’. 4 months later I was born, male.
(Smale is stuffed, Tue 7 Dec 2010, 10:39, 3 replies)

Broken is the promise; betrayal
The healing hand held back by the deepened nail.

Follow the god that failed.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 7 Dec 2010, 10:38, 2 replies)

Promises, promises
Turned to dust. Wedding bells just turn to rust.
(McChinaman banned, Tue 7 Dec 2010, 7:41, 3 replies)

I went out with Rick Astley....
...bindun?
(who, me? The comedy account of someone who's not funny., Tue 7 Dec 2010, 2:47, Reply)

I promised her...
That I would never watch porn and mastubate when she's away...

It didn't last very long.
(WhataYob, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 23:16, 15 replies)

I promised not to post in this weeks QotW..
and I don't break my promis.....oh crap.
(Dante licked your nipple on, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 21:56, Reply)

More than 10 years ago, after years of marriage to the soap-obsessed ex, I promised myself that I'd never watch another soap again.
It felt good - I was soap-free at last!

That is, until the Great Tram Crash tonight.

I had to watch, even though I recognised only a few of the older characters, and was immediately drawn back in. Who is dead? Who has survived? Whose secrets will never be told, and whose revealed?

Damn you, Corrie. Damn you to HELL. *shakes fist*
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 21:02, 17 replies)

I promised her...
... I would stay faithful. I then promised her, that I had kept my promise, I was desperately trying to dig up
(TaZ44, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 19:00, 2 replies)

Hope and Change my Ass
Candidate Obama vs. President Obama. Officially he's kept a lot of his promises, but he's failed or given up on most of the progressive agenda.
(danalan Pretty good, for an amateur., Mon 6 Dec 2010, 18:42, 4 replies)

Dear P2P,
You promised me a sexy dwarf amputee having sex with a camel, but all I got was this lousy Rick Astley video...
(Turtlenuts, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 18:06, 3 replies)

I Promise
I'm never going to give you up...
(Banjax, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 17:06, 1 reply)

Remember, Sully, when I promised to kill you last?
I lied.
(Miraclefish How appropriate, you fight like a cow, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 15:54, 5 replies)

When I was younger
It was coming up to the end-of-year ball at school, and a friend of mine didn't have anything to wear, so he dipped into the funds in the box under his dad's bed. Obviously, he'd sworn not to take any, but take it he did, and he hired a suit with it.
Of course, his dad found out that the money was missing, and of course, he got a bollocking, and at the end of the argument his dad just asks him "why?"
"Broke 'n' prom" he says.
Or something equally contrived. Possibly involving my bro', Ken, I don't know.
(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 15:18, 4 replies)

They agreed when I suggested
It should just be our little secret.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 14:28, Reply)