My great great uncle
or something like that is a very old celebrity of some sort, who was buried in canterbury cathedral with one of those lying down statues of him in his armour over his grave.

I went to see him with my mad aunt, and I shouted at some kid who was climbing on it - "Oi! get off my great great uncle!"

Tenuous I know, but there you go.
(teasus likes tea, Sun 11 Oct 2009, 21:15, 1 reply)

Saddam Hussein
once took my Granny out to dinner on her birthday.

He was very polite, gave her some money and souvenirs (including a watch with his face on it chairman Mao stylee) and a bottle of bubbly. She said she could still tell he was an evil bastard though.
(teasus likes tea, Sun 11 Oct 2009, 21:06, 5 replies)

The Mallard
Was a garden ornament that was shaped, well, like a mallard.

It was purchased before a Manic Street Preachers gig in Southampton a few years back (which saw me appearing in a US documentary about the band prancing around on Southampton Guildhall stairs with said ornament).
It was decided from then that it would be taken to every gig we went to afterwards as a little mascot.

My close friend and I were known as "Those guys with the Mallard" after a while due to its popularity (and our insistence that it was a mallard and NOT A FUCKING DUCK!!).

But I digress.

At a Bloc Party gig in Portsmouth Guildhall a little while after, Kele Okereke spotted it in the front row and, upon it being held aloft, decided to take the bloody thing and make a speech to the crowd about how generous the people of Portsmouth were (Ha!) for giving him such a thoughtful gift.
This speech was interrupted with my voice politely requesting "GIVE US BACK OUR MALLARD YOU THIEVING CUNT!". He looked shocked but duly obliged.

The Mallard let fame get to his head after that with his new star-status and hanging out with his A-list pals. After a stint in rehab, he now finds himself being used as a doorstop in my flat.
(WillyNilly SillyBilly, Sun 11 Oct 2009, 20:57, 1 reply)

I think i offended Sinbad and Jimmy Corkhill from Brookside.
I was at the Royal court in Liverpool with an ex-girlfriend of mine watching a performance on the press night. I was treated to free beer and food and had guest seats and found myself sitting slightly in front of Jimmy Corkhill and slightly to the left of Sinbad.

Anyhow, being the drunken immature fool i am, i kept trying to make my ex-girlfriend laugh by whispering 'Sinbad' into her ear and nudging her. It didn't really work, she just ignored me, but this made me giggle more. As it was just loud enough for her to hear, but not loud enough for him to hear me.

A few beers later just as we were getting ready to watch the curtain raise, i decided to amuse her/myself one more time by whispering 'Sinbad' into her ear, knowing she'll flinch and be embaressed, but as fate would have it, the lights dimmed, the audience went silent except for this drunken fool not realising the volume of his own voice, and more or less shouted 'SINBAD!' quite loudly.

He was about two feet away and if looks could kill....

Slightly unrelated, after the show was over i made my way to the bar, and Jimmy Corkhill politely let me get to the bar after stepping aside. Not really thinking i muttered 'Cheers Corkhill'.

I have no idea why.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Sun 11 Oct 2009, 20:56, Reply)

Stephen Gately
Met him in Majorca this week, and went round to his flat for the night.

Things didn't go so well.
(Captain Skippy pooed in a bag and left it on your doorstep, Sun 11 Oct 2009, 20:51, 1 reply)

HIGNFY
10ish years ago when I was still a student Paul Merton came to sign his new book at the uni book shop. He was doing ads for Imperial Leather at the time so I thought it would be amusing to put two bars of soap on his seat before he arrived.

When he arrived he was nice enough to sign them for me and I also bought a signed copy of his book for my Dad as he is a big HIGNFY fan. My dad appreciated the gift but thought the book was terrible. So a few years later I noticed Ian Hislop was down to do a book signing where I was living in London. I've met him twice and he's always been a really nice bloke. He agreed that Merton's last book had been a bit crap and signed a copy of the Private Eye annual for my Dad with "Hope you like it better than Merton's book, Merry Xmas, Ian". Top bloke!

Have also met Richard Herring twice off of fist of fun. First time I played poker with him in Bristol as some sort of promo thing for a poker magazine. It was quite a laugh as we kept getting moved on by officious security guards near the waterfront. He almost had a bit of a run in with one of them. I met him again walking down the street in Edinburgh during the festival, I said "Hey I played poker with you in Bristol!" thinking he would remember the amusing episode with the security guard but he just said "Oh that's nice" in a sarky voice and scowled at me. So now I think he is in fact a bit of an arse (although to hand it to him he did beat me at poker).
(Dread Pirate Roberts, Sun 11 Oct 2009, 20:38, Reply)

I used to work at a music venue, so i have a few...
My sound engineer once told overweight, heavy blues guitarist and front-man Popa Chubby to 'not give him any fucking attitude you fat bastard'.

I freaked out black metal midget Dani Filth after blagging my way into the celbrity drinks tent at Ozzfest, i think him suddenly being accosted by a drunken,lanky youth with a blonde afro (in a hawaiian shirt) was little too much for his dark tastes.

On a lighter note i confused the levellers by asking them to leave their drum kit in the changing rooms, they told me they didn't have a drum kit because it was an acoustic set, i told them not to shoot the messenger and walked off.

I got a little star struck at meeting Mark Radcliffe of BBC radio fame, and made a complete tit out of myself by shaking his hand and saying 'I think your show is... good'
There was an awakward pause for a few seconds and then for some reason i shook his hand again.

Oh and i once took Dutch prog rock band 'Focus' (of Hocus Pocus) to an Indian restaurant in my chav ridden home town.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Sun 11 Oct 2009, 20:28, 3 replies)

A girl I know who's a dwarf
Apparently once shagged someone out of Greenday.

He asked her to ride round his hotel room naked on a tricycle beforehand, as apparently it got him off.

Made me wonder: does he travel everywhere with a tricycle in case he pulls?
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Sun 11 Oct 2009, 19:28, 1 reply)

This is a slightly unrelated preoast
Since I don't know said and I'll use this term loosely " celebs " name but the answers to this have been by and large horrendously dull so hopefully it'll raise a smile.

Anyway it was after an Ireland game, can't for the life of me remember who against but long story short ( it wasn't really a long story ) we'd won 2-0 I believe and one Robbie Keane had banged one in.

As we left I was acosted by a woman in a extremely low cut top with camera man and microphone in tow who wanted my opinion on the game. I leaned in close as she asked me my feelings on the game and did that thing where you kind of lean your head down to hear better only to realise I had a quite fantastic view of a quite fantastic pair of tits.

I then to my eternal shame / sheer proudness took a deep breath looked in first at her tits then into the camera before motorboating those big breasts for Ireland.

I was quickly shoved away by a furious camera man and some other guy who I hadn't noticed before. Police took me to one side and it took all my wit and drunken apologies for them not to arrest me I think.

In retrospect I'm sure it never made tv and I didn't even recognise what channel she was from which makes this slightly null and void. But still it was damn close to being a moment in television history.

Apologies to you brunette with large boobies if you read this, but I regret nothing.
(Eoghan, Sun 11 Oct 2009, 19:25, 2 replies)

kerry katona
about 5 years ago, a very good friend of mine was running a greet-a-gram business. you know, turning up at parties, giving out bottles of cheap champagne, taking pictures, all whilst wearing embarrassing outfits.
one saturday night, we had decided to hit the town for some fun. however, a last-minute booking meant that we were running late, so my friend asked me to go to work with him, so that we could carry straight on to town afterwards. this seemed like a good idea, so that's what we did.
arriving at the given address, we were more than a little surprised to be greeted at the door by kerry katona herself. it wasn't her house, but she had booked the job. the only name she'd given us was kerry, so that's how we addressed her. it must have been a fancy-dress party, but all the guests seemed to have had the same idea and come dressed as pikey chav-whores.
within 2 minutes, she was throwing her weight around, demanding discounts and freebies that she certainly wasn't going to get. my friend said that either she paid, or we left. purple with rage and stella, she slurred "don't you know who i AM???"
my mate looked her slowly up and down and replied "no, should i?"
at this point, i had to turn away so she couldn't see me stuffing my sleeve into my mouth to stifle the laughter.
realising that her "celebrity" status wasn't doing her any good, she soon quieted down and let my mate do his job.
she still demanded extra polaroids at no extra cost, though.
she didn't fucking get them, the talentless chavvy iceland reject.

i also ran into ian wright in a club called the paradox once. unfortunately, i was hammered and told him he was dressed like a deckchair. he found this quite amusing.
nice bloke.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sun 11 Oct 2009, 19:04, 6 replies)

I once
Barracked Obama.


Apols. etc.
(Dr. Scambolic, Sun 11 Oct 2009, 17:55, Reply)

o_O
Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen hit me in the face once... thats it really
(samurai_beth, Sun 11 Oct 2009, 16:54, 2 replies)

Beadle
Back when I worked at Stansted airport I was standing at one of the gates and up until this point successfully chatting up a stewardess when the eighties trickster himself came shuffling up to us and butted in with:

'why is that plane on fire?'

I looked outside the window and could see what he was talking about.. there's a fake green plane on the other side of the airport that the fire service use for training and the thing was chugging out flames and smoke. I could see he was genuinely concerned so told him what it was.

His reply was a snidey 'doesn't fill me with much confidence.'

At this point I started laughing as not only did I think he was joking but I had also glanced at the claw hand clutching his Ryanair boarding card. He just scowled at me and walked off. Probably for a wank.

You'd think he could see the funny side.
(catbrain likes the hairy scratchings bestest, Sun 11 Oct 2009, 16:45, Reply)

Not really in the spirit of the QOTW..
Nicky Evans (Shane Mcguire in Shameless) gets his motorcycle MOT's and such done at my work, he's a properly sound fella, and is well liked. Much shorter than he appears on TV, he's titchy.
( evilamnesiac says fuck you Prince, Sun 11 Oct 2009, 16:40, Reply)

i inadvertently stood on
dita von teese's foot in covent garden the other night when trying to squeeze myself and my oversized handbag past her at the bar without brushing my chebs against her or brushing her chebs against any part of me whatsoever.

but it was an accident and i didn't recognise her until the people i was with told me who she was. and i had apologised by then.

i am not sure i would pay to see her strip. in fact, i might yell "get 'em on".
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 11 Oct 2009, 16:16, 3 replies)

I'm a celebrity
so for any of you with nothing to write on here, now's your chance.
(catbrain likes the hairy scratchings bestest, Sun 11 Oct 2009, 16:00, 1 reply)

One for the physicists
My father had his foot peed on by Sir Lawrence Bragg (look him up). I don't think it was particularly in wrath. My father still has the shoe.
(Smale is stuffed, Sun 11 Oct 2009, 15:11, 3 replies)

Chris Evans
I worked in Planet Hollywood in London at roughly the same time that Chris Evans was going through his 'I'm a complete twat' stage. Before he grew up. And long before I did. He walked across the restaurant with his sunglasses on trying to look cool.
I ruined the aura a little by saying;
"You can take them off if you want; it's only sunny outside and we have a roof on this building".
He went ballistic and asked for the manager who took me off to the office for a real bollocking. Which went something like this.
"You said WHAT?!"
"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA !!! You legend. Right - I'll go and deal with him, you go and work downstairs for an hour or so; I'll tell him I've fired you."
(dcc251, Sun 11 Oct 2009, 14:36, 1 reply)

Z-list TV Chef you say?
We were at a country show with various events- stunt bikes, monster trucks, air show, markets and so on. There was a cookery show and James Martin was in there, lapping up the attention of the ladies, young and old, rattling on about Yorkshire as he does.

I was getting a little fed up of his incessant jibber jabber- he was there to fry fish or whatever it is he does. He paused for breath, and I shouted "Get on with it fatty!". A little bit too loud to be honest.

My girlfriend glared at me like I'd crapped on her mother's Sunday roast. The fat cook looked at me like I'd fed it to him.
It worked though. He shut up and fried his fish, and the old dears at the front were still excited enough to feed his ego.

Outside she was on her phone to a friend telling her how she'd just seen James Martin and how lovely he was, when he walked past. She was gushing on even more now as he'd been within just a few feet. I stepped closed and said down the phone something like "yeah but he's a right porker and his hair's retreating faster than the French army". A little bit to loud, again.

Oops.
(randomstupidname would really like this signature field to be bigge, Sun 11 Oct 2009, 14:14, Reply)

Stephen Hawking
ran over a friend-of-a-friend's foot.

Fact.
(KeenBean objects to this comma, Sun 11 Oct 2009, 14:01, 2 replies)

Edinburgh Festival
This is a top venue to meet interesting celebrity types.
Six years ago me and some mates went for a long weekend. Caught some of the better shows (Flight of the Conchords etc) and then went drinking on the nights.

At one place I bumped into the self styled "comedy terrorist" Aaron Barschak. If you remember the guy he managed to crash Prince William's twent-first birthday party and kiss the Prince on both cheeks. He was arrested immediately and caused a minor security stink in the papers.

It was only a few weeks after he'd been nicked so I went over to him and asked him whether he'd been given a stern bollocking from the secret service.

He said he hadn't but winked as he said it.
Not very famous but there you go. Oh, and this Aaron Barschak was a smelly fucker as well.
( Hitler's Barber Soylent Green is high in saturated fat, Sun 11 Oct 2009, 11:22, 2 replies)

Marshalling at the university athletics competition
being Loughborough it was quite a big thing and there were people from all over the place visiting and of course they were all driving and expecting to park near the event.
It was pissing down with rain but we had invincibility jackets on (aka Hi Vis) so it wasn't too bad.

This guy pulls up in an expensive looking car and asks to be let into the car park next to the athletics track which was reserved for VIP ticket holders only. He didn't have a VIP ticket so I told him he had to park in one of the pleb car parks which were 5-10 minutes walk away. He looked very disappointed but didn't make a fuss.

Later on someone told me Linford Christie had made a surprise visit to the event...doh.
( thistle, Sun 11 Oct 2009, 11:00, Reply)

Steve McFadden
aka Phil Mitchell from Eastenders 'djayed' at one of the local nightclubs here a few years ago. I say 'djayed' because they at the time they had a computer hooked up to the sound system and the DJ just clicked on the next MP3. He was getting a lot of abuse from drunks. Mostly shouting 'RIIIICKAAAY' for some reason.

Saw him in a kebab shop later on too.
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Sun 11 Oct 2009, 10:40, Reply)

An ex-PM
I was working in a call centre when a former PM called up as he had lost his pay tv reception.

- Welcome to blah, how can I help you?
- My pay tv is not working.
I recognise the voice, and his account pops up - yes it's a former PM.
- What's wrong with it?
He explains that it's not appearing.
Immediately, I took up my totally bored 'okay, let's troubleshoot this thing' voice, and began to take him through the first procedure, which meant resetting the machine or pulling out the plug.
- Oh, oh, uh, uh, I've, I've got guests. People have arrived. Uh, I've got to go....
He was the only person who would not troubleshoot. And he was a useless PM.
(stuntsmile, Sun 11 Oct 2009, 8:18, Reply)

It's great up North
I manage a gift shop and I've served quite a number of famous folk - I also have my regular ones too. I'm no starfucker and don't get starstruck and I treat them like regular people. I don't let on I even recognise them, or if they do realise I know who they are I like to think they come back again because I don't make the fuss so many do when they see someone famous.

Noreen Kershaw - Huge portfolio of work - Boys from the Blackstuff, Brookside, Albion Market, The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles, Casualty, Blood on the Dole, Peak Practice, Heartbeat, Holby City and the funny but firm Police Constable Phyllis Dobbs in Life on Mars and loads more. A regular customer, such a very delightful lady, so unpretentious. Always pleasant and enjoys a little chit chat.

Julie Hesmondhalgh who plays Haley Cropper in Corrie, is another regular - she is genuinely 'lufly' and down to earth, always a pleasure to chat with her and her partner, actor Ian Kershaw.

Sue Devaney who played Debbie Wedster, Kevin's sister in Corrie, been in dinnerladies, Casualty and loads more TV shows is another regular - again a really nice down to earth, very chatty, friendly lady.

Dead Mans Shoes & This Is England actress Jo Hartley - intersting chat about films (Shane Meadows BRILL)- dead nice Northern lass, brilliant actress, good taste in films. Didn't recognise her initially, she really looks different out of character, a really attractive lady.

Jason Orange, now what's he famous for? I'm being obvious not facetious. An on-off regular, sits alone, quietly for a few hours, never had the pleasure to talk to him, he seems quite shy and is probably a lovely guy.

Paul Mcgann was late returning DVDs and was stunned to discover he owed a £35 fine, he claimed he had the flu and couldn't get into town, despite the fact I called him numerous times - he remained quiet, assuming I'd let him off - remember Paul I treat EVERYONE like regular people, a fines a fine no matter who you are. And yes folks I do have his phone number, and address and a few others famous phone numbers too. Still, a really nice bloke though, quite shy actually.

Bernard Hill famous for SO many films amd TV shows - Titanic, Gandhi, The Lord of the Rings, The Bounty, Shirley Valentine, loads more and of course Yosser 'Gis A Job' Hughes in Boys From The Blackstuff. Very pleasant and funny man, always good for a yarn. Popped in once to thank me for sending on some gifts. A genuinely, respectful, lovely guy and an amazing actor. Plus he's a fellow Manc!

Gina Mckee only visited once - seemed very quiet and private. She came back after her sale to query a mistake she thought I'd made - we looked at the receipt - there was no mistake, she became even quieter and left rather embarrassed. Aw, I honestly felt sorry for her, she was so embarrassed she couldn't apologise properly. I admire her work, she's a fine actress - Our Friends In The North, Notting Hill, The Forsyte Saga, Scenes of a Sexual Nature, Waking the Dead and loads more.

Brenda Blethyn, she has a massive portfolio of work - A River Runs Through It, Secrets & Lies, Little Voice, Saving Grace, Beyond the Sea, Pride & Prejudice and loads more - very private and quiet, sat anonymously for a few hours and left undetected.

Maxine Peak of Shameless fame and See No Evil:The Moors Murders, Clocking Off, dinnerladies, Early Doors and loads more. She used to be a regular but I've not seen her for quite a while now - another private quiet person.

Stuart Maconie just wants to purchase and leave quickly and quietly.

I've seen Bez a few times mooching about the streets.

Mike Leigh, writer/director - Abigail's Party, Life Is Sweet, Secrets & Lies, Career Girls, All or Nothing, Vera Drake and more - was filming outside the shop one late evening. Another fellow Manc!

And those who visited whilst I was on my days off:

Fearne Cotton, on some fashion shoot documentary thing.

Cast from Cutting It - Sarah Parish, Angela Griffin, Sian Reeves, Jason Merrells, Pearce Quigley, Annette Badland, James Midgley, Bill Thomas, Ben Daniels, Amanda Holden, Lucy Gaskell, David Leon, Rebecca Bellamy and probably a few more.

Jude Law and probably Sienna Miller, when they were shooting Alfie, the Michael Caine remake.

Sorry to all those I've just forgotten and I know there are some that I simply cannot recall who they are because they look so different out of character.

Kinda debunks 6 degrees of separation (to a celebrity) for me then!
(SuB, Sun 11 Oct 2009, 3:20, 4 replies)

Oh and....
I recently saw Peter Stringfellow in Soho. He got dropped off by his chauffeur near whatever that club of his is called and was walking down the street just in front of me. There were a few people glancing at him thinking 'that's that ageing perv with the shit mullet isn't it?' (probably).

He was waving back going 'Hi guys! How's it going?' trying to be all matey.

I resisted the urge to call him a massive cock.

Length? His is actually probably quite small.
( spesh., Sun 11 Oct 2009, 2:07, Reply)

I grassed on Ian Beale
I've met a few celebs over the years including:

Bernard Cribbins, while doing some landscaping in his garden (he was quite rude) many years ago.

Had my photo taken with Alan Titchmarsh at Chelsea (the flower show not the footy club) last year for a trade mag

Had a chat with Neil (not a real) 'Dr' Fox at a Trees for London event - he was very pleasant.

But the best was grassing Adam Woodyatt (who plays Ian Beale on stenders) to the plod for having an out of date tax disc on his hairdressergaymobile Suzuki 4x4. I wouldn't normally bother about stuff like that, but he was a rude arrogant prick.
( spesh., Sun 11 Oct 2009, 1:58, 1 reply)

Mellor
Wasn't me, but my brother works dockside next to Tower Bridge and was operating the pedestrian bridge that lets the boats in and out. David Mellor tried to run across at the last minute when the barriers were being lowered and bro shouted at him to "get back to the other fucking side".

He now lives in the old harbourmaster's house and generally makes a nuisance of himself by complaining about the licensing for the harbour's bar so they can't serve booze during the day.

Cunt.
(injektilo smoking the weed that killed elvis, Sat 10 Oct 2009, 23:57, Reply)

Eight Legs (no, I'd never heard of them either)
A few weeks ago my band had been called to fill a support slot for Eight Legs, a two-a-penny indie group who have apparently soundtracked some stuck up bitches fashion show and who's song is on one of those 'you wouldn't start a night like this' ads, in fact, it's this one.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=EuowE1SXNkA

Typical indie pricks, really stuck up, wouldn't speak to anybody else, being cocks to the soundman (whom I know to be a very nice bloke) and just generally twats.

To top it off, at this venue it's 'the done thing' to share backline (basic drums (no cymbals or snare, that sort of thing) and bass amp), but they were having non of it, even though myself and the drummer for the other support act aren't the sort to lay into a kit Keith Moon style.

Anyway, the first band played, and they were really good (The 303's, from Hull, look them up), and then we went on. Finished our set, I lug the drums off the stage so their player can put his on and slip outside for a quick cig.

As I'm stood outside, my bassist runs up to me and informs me that they've got a load of beer in a mini-fridge in the little communal backstage area (which up until this point they'd taken for themselves). Apparently he'd gone in to take in his bass amp and one of EL had scorned at him, "band members only, mate", to which my bassist shows his wristband and says, "I'm in a band, you cunt."

Anyway, you can see where this is going. We went to investigate and they had eight bottles of Becks, and four cans of Guinness.

As they went on stage, belting out their latest identikit tracks, we snuck in and they were eight bottles of Becks, and four cans of Guinness lighter.

We had a good laugh informing the security guards about what we'd done. They took it in good humour and simply said, 'good on you, they did seem like cunts.'

Eight Legs, if you're reading, yes, it was us, the little precocious twats from the Selby/Goole area who took your beer.

And we enjoyed it.

Just to finish, please enjoy this picture of me drumming my little heart out, about half an hour before we were beer stealing.

i.cr3ation.co.uk/dl/s1/jpg/873014093059906878869906825966442462986n.jpg

The snare drum and the cymbals are mine, the rest of the kit belongs to the bloody nice soundman.

(I also had a dream last night where I called Gok Wan a twat, does that count?)
(LukeHarrison says, "Your taste in music is shit!", Sat 10 Oct 2009, 23:30, 3 replies)