Speaking of stairs..
The post below this, and this one

I like to walk up steps occasionally with my eyes shut, or in the dark, without counting them, so I get that funny feeling when you get to the top and attempt to stand on a non-existing step.

I would'nt recommend doing it downstairs though, cause' one time I thought it'd be the same, but I nearly broke my ankle instead..
(danniekavanagh did nothing constructive on, Sat 19 Sep 2009, 13:33, Reply)

Anyone else?
Find it impossible to use the bottom few steps of any staircase in favour of leaping down the last wee bit?
(442, Sat 19 Sep 2009, 13:11, 6 replies)

And after picking up my daughter from school
we play IT all the way home.
(Wagane, Sat 19 Sep 2009, 13:04, Reply)

There used to be a website called MANICMAIL.net
and you could send an email with any from address you wanted, so we sent a friends cousin from West Africa currently in the USA a letter from the FBI saying we were watching him and that as he'd overstayed his visa he had to pay a big fine. We sent the new people emails from the bosses email telling them not to come back as they were shit. Don't know why this stopped.

My farts can be evil and I always blame my son or ask my daughter if it was her.

When ever my 5 year old daughter says she's hurt her finger/toe/arm/whatever, I go and get scissors and a big knife and ask which she wants me to use and keep it up till she is screaming for Mrs Wagane, who hits me really fucking hard.
(Wagane, Sat 19 Sep 2009, 13:02, 2 replies)

Tescos
Every time my friend and I go to Tescos, we always walk through the toys section.

Without fail, we'll both pick up foam swords and shields, shout "EN GARDE" at the top of our voices, and then proceed to have a sword fight throughout the aisles. We take it in turns to die emphatically each time we go, and we haven't yet been kicked out.

We get funny looks off of people, but we revel in the fact we know that mostly everyone in the store finds it at least a little bit entertaining.

I think the best part of it all though, is the jealous looks we get off of all the 3-9 year olds, who obviously want to join in but would get a right bollocking off of their parents if they even tried it.

Good times.
( the pink chicken sniffer sniffs pink chickens., Sat 19 Sep 2009, 12:43, Reply)

i tried to resist..
but after two weeks of looking at a roadworks sign that said in massive letters
"WORKFORCE IN
ROAD
SLOW"

the urge finally overcame me and when i next went out for the night, took a bottle of tippex and added ARE between road & slow.
(Singo69, Sat 19 Sep 2009, 12:04, Reply)

OK, this one *is* about me.
Ever since I was a tiny wee TuftyBee, I've had a massive collection of cuddly toys. At one point I had boardering 200, maybe over. (most of these went to charity/relatives/mothers friends with small children). Of course, I now have nearing that again, what with getting at least one every birthday/christmas. Which gets named and has a personality.

Thae latest addition to the collection is Vyvyan the Velociraptor. (Which I admittedly bought myself, because, let's face it, a cuddly velociraptor is every nerdy young girls dream is it not? I think I actually went "Squee, that is the bestest thing ever!" when I saw it. Also, yes he's named after the best Young One.)

I have also been known to giggle like a small child at the sight of someone sticking their tongue out and going "neeerrrrr". I have no idea why.

And the large collection of Disney/kids movies I have....

And I know someone mentioned this a few posts ago, but whenever I see a "To Let" sign, I mentally insert an "I" in the appropriate place and then have a wee chuckle.

Wow, I don't think I've actually grown up at all.....
(TuftyBee should have been working on, Sat 19 Sep 2009, 11:37, 1 reply)

Well, I'm currently...
...on my way to the hallowed doors of Toy's R Us with my fella to buy Lego, Meccano and anything else cool that we can find...I'm 21, he's 34, we have no kids and don't plan on ever having them as that might mean we have to grow up!
(Kimberelli is addicted to the shiny little magnets..., Sat 19 Sep 2009, 11:07, Reply)

My Old Man..
Once caught me trying to propel myself up the stairs (by grabbing the handrails and pulling as hard as you can, whilst lifting your feet at the same time in order to reach as high a step as possible..) in our old house. I did'nt realise he was there until I heard his voice booming from the landing..

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!!!

I thought I was in for a right old fashioned pasting until he replied:
"You've got it all wrong, hold your arms out straight and pull from your arms and swing from your hips.."

This promptly started a stairjump competition for about 10 minutes until we both collapsed in a heap from exhaustion, laughing like manic clowns.

Happy days - cheers dad.
(danniekavanagh did nothing constructive on, Sat 19 Sep 2009, 11:02, 2 replies)

I am a senior technical consultant at one of the largest legal firms in the UK...
... I have a phd in the sciences. I work along side some of the top IT professionals in the country. I am currently designing a new IT solution which will revolutionise the way all Legal firms will work. I go to business lunches with some of the top Lawyers in England.*

So why on why do I find this so hilariously funny?!! I giggle like a child who has had too many blue smarties!

Farting on People: www.youtube.com/watch?v=rmtg4Z2G_P4


*May not be entirely accurate
(Miggyman, Sat 19 Sep 2009, 10:54, 1 reply)

Bog Standards..
Every time I see a 'To Let' sign, I keep thinking that it should have the letter 'I' in the middle, something I noticed when I was at school as a kid, and it's haunted me ever since.

and yes, I'm not ashamed to admit that it still makes me smile thinking about it..
(danniekavanagh did nothing constructive on, Sat 19 Sep 2009, 10:44, 2 replies)

Pub Food Boards...
One drunken night recently I went home and got some chalk and added some exotic options to my local pub's outside blackboard menu: "Roast Parrot and chips £3.50" is the only one I can remember. I'm a middle-aged librarian... I'm proud of the fact that (apparently) my spelling and punctuation were perfect.
(fuchsiaperfect, Sat 19 Sep 2009, 10:24, 1 reply)

I'm back again...
I dropped in at my agency's office yesterday, to pick up my uniform, and to get a look at the new hospitality passes for the next matchday at the ground where I work. They've changed the logos and everything, I guess to capture the heart and passion of Rugby Union. (sigh) I looked and looked, and tried to listen to the nice agency lady explaining about the new stand, posh new rooms, where the players will be post-match. All the whole nine yards..

All the time I was trying very hard not to laugh at the logo. It really does look like a sperm. Or to my 12-year old brain it does...I gave up and explained in the end..

What does everyone else think? linky below, Safe for Work..

www.leicestertigers.com/
(Beer Elf Thought this was like a campfire, anyhow, on, Sat 19 Sep 2009, 8:52, 10 replies)

On the debit card machine
at the Starbuck's stand in the local supermarket, someone had written in sharpie "Slide card!" with an arrow next to the slot. Hilariously, to me anyway, someone had added "ORLY?" My internet colliding with my real world always makes me incredibly happy. I was overcome with the urge to add my own defacement, but the girl was making my coffee right in front of me in a space measuring about 3 feet by 10 feet. You should have seen the stealth with which I reached over, stole her sharpie, and added YA RLY to the console, and returned the pen, in about 2.5 seconds flat. I felt like I was about 12 and giggled all the way to my car.
(dropdeadred bleep bleep blah blah blah, Sat 19 Sep 2009, 8:29, 2 replies)

Haven't done it yet but.......
I have every intention of switching out the "first dance" music at my wedding for "Community Property" by Steel Panther. Anyone familiar with the lyrics will understand.
(batmowes Internet Dating Superstud, Sat 19 Sep 2009, 7:52, 4 replies)

What about:
Participating in "Talk Like A Pirate Day"?

www.talklikeapirate.com/
( The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Sat 19 Sep 2009, 4:24, 3 replies)

If anything,
my enthusiasm for 'Doctors and Nurses' has increased.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 19 Sep 2009, 3:28, Reply)

on our wedding day, as we walked back down the aisle
i turned to my lovely wife, marvelled at just how beautiful she looked, and growled...

"your my wife now"
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Sat 19 Sep 2009, 2:04, 1 reply)

periodically
if mrs spimf is (probably quite deservedly) remonstrating with me for some lack of judgement i will spin round and bellow

SILENCE EARTHLING

a bit like this...


























( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Sat 19 Sep 2009, 1:53, Reply)

I'd just like to say....
This is the best QOTW in AGES. I am loving it.

Bagsy 'first'.
(Galahad is out of his gourd on yellow bentines, Sat 19 Sep 2009, 1:33, Reply)

I still occasionally
run up the stairs on all fours. The burst of speed is glorious.
( the_other_jeff_lebowski Croutons on my tits, Sat 19 Sep 2009, 1:05, 8 replies)

I used to work as a kitchen porter in a pub.
Sometimes, when I could feel a particularly vile fart brewing, I'd go over to the starters or the mains, ostensibly to collect some unused equipment, and quietly let it off while I was there. Although some consternation usually resulted, they never figured out it was me.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sat 19 Sep 2009, 0:57, Reply)

Also
waiting until my wife decides to use the bathroom, then waiting directly outside the door with my face up against the wood, until she switches off the light (the lightswitch is inside), then opens the door, to be greeted by me going "NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNUUUUUUUUUyyYYYYRGH"

For those of you not familiar with Romero, it's a classic zombie noise and it shits her right up *every* time. The reaction is as a previous poster described, pure Hitchcock, and I will willingly risk divorce to see it time and time again.
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Sat 19 Sep 2009, 0:54, 1 reply)

godd...boring accountants....grr....
We were a group of 20 something part qualified accounting girlies...only in it for the possible money we might make one day...and by god office life is dire...the guys we worked with were worse...no sense of humour, just completely anal about everything, I swear they wanked over spreadsheets....

We bought one of them an Action Man, and every day before he came in we'd arrange it in a different pose, with different rude accessories...he didn't know who was responsible, just blushed and refused to participate.

We eventually kidnapped Action Man, tied him by his wrists and ankles in a box, smeared him with red ink and sent little notes to his 'owner' pleading for his release...we even emailed him pictures...he never got him back though...

Not even funny...we were childish because we were bored. Working in an office has made me regress about 20 years (mentally)
( curvylittlegoth heard the voices in your head on, Sat 19 Sep 2009, 0:54, Reply)

Drawn Rude pictures
Staying in a hiotel, as we went to our room we saw that the room opposite was a confrence room full of police people.

Came back later that night, door was unlocked, so I drew some nice pictures on the 2nd and 3rd sheets of the A1 flipchart.
(Sp4mM0nkey I can go Anywhere!, Sat 19 Sep 2009, 0:50, 1 reply)

I still read Viz
but apparently it's not as funny as it used to be (which is bollocks really, I've been reading it on and off for nigh on 20 years now and it still raises a smutty chuckle every now and then)
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Sat 19 Sep 2009, 0:41, 5 replies)

Ice bowling
Invented this one while working in a pub a few years back.

You get 10 x 50ml measures and set them up on the floor at one end of the bar a la ten pin bowling, go down the other end of the bar and bowl an ice-cube at them using the tongs.

Day shifts in pubs are shit.
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Sat 19 Sep 2009, 0:39, Reply)

The pharmacy
I used to work in a pharmacy in Leeds train station. After several years, the store was taken over by a new manager who promised to bring about some great changes. One of these involved pinning a notice to the till, asking all staff to write down any customer requests for items we didn't stock; the idea being that she would order the most frequently requested and boost our profits.

Much hilarity ensued over the week as my colleagues and I added various items to the list. It began quite sensibly with hair dye and nail clippers, onto the less pharmaceutical 'fags and booze' (which people genuinely asked for on a daily basis), and how we laughed as we jotted down 'Tina Turner's Greatest Hits', 'Faberge Eggs' and 'Marzipan'.

The end of the week comes and our manager goes through the list with those of us on the late shift. She rolls her eyes at the Tina Turner album, but stops to question us about the marzipan. "Who wrote Marzipan?"

Without a moment's hesitation, our pharmacist du-jour speaks up; a big Asian guy with a very dry sense of humour, the kind of guy who you're never quite sure is joking or being serious until they crack a big grin after keeping you hanging. He calls from inside the dispensary in his Bradford-Indian hybrid accent; "It's medicinal innit. Marzipan yeh? People use it for headache." We wait for his cheeky grin, but it doesn't appear until the manager has left the shop floor.

And when I come in for my shift the next Saturday, there it is. Standing proud with the hair dye and nail clippers. Eight cubes of delicious, golden Marzipan, like a beacon of joy in the otherwise gloomy pharmacy. Every dull moment, every rude customer, I'd look over at the neat row of Marzipan and couldn't help but smile.

It took just three weeks to sell out, but was never re-ordered.
(foxx, Sat 19 Sep 2009, 0:17, 2 replies)

I've just been practicing...
My figure eights around the light fittings in my living room with my radio control helicopter.

I'm 49
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 23:53, Reply)