psychiatric staff are more mentl than the patients
right so i work in a psychiatric hospital and have been and been the precurser to many üeurile and childish practical jokes. okay so..

1$ having a fag after doing the observation rounds nurse beckons me over to the office gesturing like it was a matter of emergancy. when i get to office the nurse in charge is laying on the floor paperwork and computer equipment everywhere i immediately shit myself thinking she has just been assaulted or passed out with a serious medical condition and run over to her (i dontknow cpr) said nurse gets up and laughs at me. not funny.

2 patient is waiting in the lobby for a phone call on his mobile (patients interned in hospital cant have access to their phones as most phones have cameras and most patients tend to phone the police despite being on section) colleague of mine grabs his file phones his mobile sticks on a somali accent (somali patient= cue convo:

ay ello is dis '''''
'''' yeh
do yooo reme,ba meee ay?
no mate
It is mahommed jefaaar, ay
ay i av bin lukin ol ova for yoooooo, i have been lookin all ova the worl for yooooo. wear arrr u !!!! ay?
mate im inhospital at the moment. """""""""(name of hospital)
ay what is dis """""" y rrr u hospital, yarrr ay so rememba what about mymonies ay, i want my monies ay .
cue patient shitting himself.
look man dont know who the fuck you are.
mate jumped up revealing himself patient took it in good humour.

childish behaviours i maintain?

I alwazs say your a poet just dont know it whenever somebody accidently makes a rhyme.

I always say good morning to my toaster just in case it talks to me ala red dwarf.

before reaching for the remote i will always check too see if ive developed jedi powers

when i wake up i will aways check if i have jedi powers

when im hungover i always revert to a child like state with comlete dsinhibition i dance in the supermarket say hello too all the produce and dance in the street wherever there is music.

oh yeah do you know krisna guru murphy still checks for monsters unser his bed before he can sleep? how cute
(Blundetto, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 23:31, 2 replies)

Pull my finger
Both Pink Goddess and I still think farts are funny. Because they are. We have farting competitions, conversations in farts, and all sorts. One of my favourite events was the time I made her almost piss herself laughing by managing to squeeze out one last brown note without quite losing control of my brown babies. How we laughed, as I shuffled to the bog, cheeks clamped tighter than a Post Office biddy's.
(purplegod counting down for Christmas!, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 22:43, Reply)

Mr Coffee
Everytime I need to fart, I get my 2 and a half year old son to pull my finger. Has him in stitches "Daddy trumped!!"

Recent holiday to France, our local cafe where my parents have their house, the owner became known as Mr Coffee to my son. One day, Mr Coffee had cut his finger, and had put a plaster on it. Son noticed this, so pointed to Mr Coffee's finger "Mr Coffee hurt finger" so Mr Coffee hold out his finger. He grabs the finger and pulls it as hard as he can cos this is what Daddy does..... and then he loudly announces to the cafe "Mr Coffee didn't trump"

Try explaining in Franglais to all and sundry why the crazy English, including my mum and dad, have just pissed themselves with laughter......
(simoni210277, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 22:26, 1 reply)

Firstly: A handful of chocolate hobnobs chewed up and subtly spat into your palm.
Secondly: A noisy fart in the presence of others.
Thirdly: The ability to look embarrassed and disgusted with yourself.
And, finally, a pretend root in the back of your drawers and a theatrical flourish as you splatter the brown lumpy mess from your palm onto their jeans.
Poetry. Pure poetry.
(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 22:20, 5 replies)

oh and then
there was the time I swapped the insides of Karls drywipe marker for the insides of a permanent marker. Que a wipe the smile off his face pun. The next week I protected his precious whiteboard with barrier cream, no black marks at all that day.
(danceswithferrets is leaking sanity, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 22:15, Reply)

He started it
I work for a watercooler company and it is my job to repair broken machines and get them ready to go back into service. It is Karls job to prep and test every machine that leaves the building. I work in the main warehouse and Karl works in the cooler prep area separated from the warehouse by those big flappy door curtain thingies. As I have said, he started it.
Karl cannot resist splashing people with water or giving them a passing squirt with a spray bottle, it could be said I have gone a little too far in retaliation.
I have done many things to Karl like when I ran a pipe into a jacket hanging up in cooler prep, one end connected to a CO2 cylinder and the other end taped into a glove poking out of the jacket sleeve. He spots the glove, goes over to investigate, and I open the gas valve. Karl lept a good 4 foot in the air, not bad.
Using the pressure vessel from a sparkling water machine and another CO2 cylinder I have made a CO2 water cannon, effective wetting range of over 10 meters, more important, it can part the flappy door flaps and throughly soak a cheerfully gesticulating Karl. Other CO2 devices are a bluetack gun and a 3" polystyrene mortar.
I have also greased his screwdriver handles, pop riveted his tool trolley shut, chucked plumbers mait (plumbing putty that doesn't set and is very sticky) at the ceiling for it to fall onto his shoulder a week later and countless minor splashings and hiding of things.
Did I mention, HE STARTED IT.

p.s. his name is spelt with a "C" but as I am going to send him a link to this post, narr narr ne narr narr, I still owe you Karl
(danceswithferrets is leaking sanity, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 22:05, Reply)

This was a whiffy one...
I once hid prawns inside the air con vent under my boss' chair, and watched over a couple of weeks as he went slowly mental at the stink.

And also superglued his phone handset to the telephone.

putting black boot polish onto the ear piece of a black phone is pretty good, too.
( Sallyrsm, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 21:58, Reply)

If only she knew.....
Mrs Powermonkey is 6 months pregnant with my child. She does not know that my sole motivation for impregnating her is so that I can buy industrial quantities of Lego, Meccano, and whatever replaced Action Man with impunity. The kids will never see these fine toys 'in case they break them'

Length: the girth of the Lego Death Star!
(powermonkey poo is a weapon, monkeys use it, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 21:21, 2 replies)

Home time early!
My friend of mine works for the Department of Health. He's just been telling me that at 4.30pm today (Friday) a suspect package was delivered, and the bomb squad had to come. So everyone fucked off home early.

He said the atmosphere was just like a fire drill at school and everyone was really happy. There were high level civil servants shouting "Home early! I love bomb threats." and "Can you imagine if they blew up the offices? We wouldn't have to go to work on Monday."
(photoben, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 21:10, 3 replies)

Toxic Boredom...
I've learned to recognise the signs now, but every now and again, I just go with it, instead of distracting myself. This has lead to -
Turning cartwheels outside work. Work is a pub, on a busy road. The area manager was passing, and so my boss got a call from him, in the middle of the cash and carry, asking if his barmaid was alright...
(after DG's earlier post) Puddle Jumping! always guaranteed to put the smile back on my face, jumping and stomping in the puddles..
Using my UV post-code marker to draw CDCs on all the banknotes in the till.(I thought it'd make the bank staff laugh)
I found the shopping list for the next cash and carry visit, and so added stuff to it like, Weasels (free range for preference) jellies, wellies, and soot. A nice young man. Madeline McCann, and 3 unreleased recordings of Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young fighting in the dressing room of the Filmore East. And loads of smiley faces...
Hide and seek, is one of the best things about parenthood. Fact. Trouble is, now my kids have grown up, and are therefore far too sophisticated for a quick game of Hide and Seek when there's nothing on the telly.

My son called me "Gay" the other day, so I just looked slowly up at him and said "Your Mum!"

Edit:- I am 43, you know...
(Beer Elf Thought this was like a campfire, anyhow, on, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 20:56, 1 reply)

I'll be childish if I like so there!
Before I moved to the back of beyond where I currently reside, I had a flat in London. And a lodger. I won't tell you his name apart from the fact we used to call him Barthez as he looked exactly like the baldy French goalie of same name.

Now Barthez had a really gross habit of doing the usual blokey 'I can't get all my urine in the toilet for love or money' thing and leaving large dribbles all over my lovely bathroom floor. I mean, how fucking hard can it be? You blokes have a pointing device for fuck's sake.

So whenever I went into the bathroom and found piss on the floor, I would dip his toothbrush in it and put it back in the toothmug. Either that or wipe it up with one of his clean shirts.

Childish? moi? Naturellement.
( Sallyrsm, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 20:30, Reply)

Petty revenge of mucous
This very afternoon, as I was snuggled on the couch reading, I became aware of a nest of crusty bogies. Steadying my book in one hand, I began absently removing said crusties with a finger nail from my other hand. The first couple were really dry so I flicked them on the floor (I'll vacuum tomorrow). The last two were reluctant to leave my nostril and had attached themselves like mozzarrella cheese to my nasal hair. Another 90 degree anticlockwise rotation of my index finger released them. They weren't totally dry and one held quite a globule of sticky snot, making it unflickable. Far too engrossed in my book to get up and having no tissues to hand, I wiped it on the corner of the coffee table, chortling like a four year old. Why the coffee table? For the simple reason it was a "house warming / DG leaving the marital home" gift from his first wife. It's still there and he won't know unless he reads this.....
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 20:17, 4 replies)

I am THOR!
Years ago I worked in a factory that produced polymer pellets that were sold to places that put them into injection molding machines to make everything from the housing on your power drill to the fan on your car. I worked in the testing lab where we made sure that the plastic we were sending out was made properly- that it was as strong or as resilient or whatever as it needed to be.

The old building I was in was connected to the building where the engineers and administrators were by means of a walkway between the two. As the lab I was in had to have heat and humidity precisely controlled, it was kept at a slight pressure to force the outside air from coming in. The hallway was separated from the lab by two sets of doors, like an airlock.

The automatic door closer on one door broke one day, so it would slam the door behind you if you let go of it. As it happened, it was the one on the far end of the hall. If you were hurrying through and opened the first door and then the second, they would both be open at the same time- and then the door would slam with a vengeance.

I was hurrying through one day and didn't take care to close the door myself, so when I got three steps past it the thing slammed with a sound like a cannon going off. I had a flash of inspiration and roared out in my best over-the-top superhero voice, "I am THOR! Bring me virgins to quench my loins!" And then scuttled down a set of stairs as fast as I could.

The women at the other end of the hallway were not amused.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 18 Sep 2009, 19:36, Reply)

Fruit and fibs
One of my friends at work painstakingly collected codes from three boxes of 'fruit and fibre' in order to get a coupon from the website for a free box. However the coupon went missing whilst he moved offices and he blamed somebody for it and there was a lot of bad blood about the fruit and fibre coupon.

I didn't take the coupon, but I didn't help matters by scanning a copy of a box of the cereal and sending him 10 emails with the picture. I also can't wait to see his reaction when he gets 50 copies of the picture in the internal post addressed to him but at different parts of the business so it will trickle down to him over a course of a few weeks.

I WAS BORED!
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 19:29, Reply)

I never really got on with being an adult.
Some recent examples:

Having to explain to my two excited litle nieces that the Wonder Woman figure I'd just bought wasn't actually for them...

Leaning upside down over my Mum grinning like a loon until she told me to go away.

Sidling up to Mum and whispering "Ah do cocaine" in her ear until she told me to go away.

Losing my temper with a photocopier and methodically pelting it with every single item on my desk

Buying the odd Commando comic.

And last but not least...I can't be the only adult who's wandered past a display of toy tanks and thought. "Shit. I want one of those."
(Big D, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 19:24, 2 replies)

Working in a warehouse
I used to work in a shitty packing job for a supermarket that sounds like 'Bainsburys'.

Anyhoo, to pass the monotony i had a short spell of printing out letters with the words:

HELP - IF YOU GET THIS NOTE, PLEASE SEND HELP AS WE ARE BEING HELD AGAINST OUR WILL. YOU ARE OUR ONLY HOPE.

Signed - The nightstaff

And then i'd leave these notes in pretty much every out-going delivery to the stores.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 19:01, Reply)

Stealth Farting
I'm a teacher in a secondary school. When I need to fart and I'm in the classroom I hold it in until I'm near some pupils I don't like very much and drop an Silent BUT Deadly and then walk away. The hard part is trying not to laugh at the accusing looks on their faces as they blame each other cos miss couldn't possibly have farted! Mwhahahahahahahaha!
(DryGoldfish, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 18:48, Reply)

BATMAN!
My mate Reg loves Batman. Really does. And was incensed one day when he found his wife's new bloke drinking tea from his Batman mug. Reg and his missus had been split for a while; he moved out with a bag of clothes and she stayed in the house with everything from the marriage. Fair enough; he'd been the instigator of the break up and his kids still needed a home.

But on dropping his children off one day he was tipped over the edge by the sight of another man drinking from his Batman mug and promptly threw a foot stomping hissy-fit, snatched the still full mug from his replacement and stormed to the kitchen, yelling at the rapidly cowering bloke sat in what used to be his armchair.

"You can have my wife. You can sit in my armchair, watch my telly, listen to music on MY stereo. You can live in my house, play Dad to my kids, cook food in my kitchen. You can do anything you want. But you are NOT having my fucking Batman mug." And in in a self-satisifed fit of childish pique, made a great show of tipping the tea down the kitchen sink.

"Was there really any need for that?" his ex asked him.

"It's MY Batman mug. He's NOT having it. I'm going to put this in the car." And on saying that, Reg turned on his heel, walked towards the door, tripped on the threshold and watched helplessly as the mug flew from his hand to land in several pieces on the concrete outside...
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 18 Sep 2009, 18:37, 5 replies)

Masturbation
One from uni days. Wasn't me who made it. I believe this made the newsletter at the time.


Click for bigger (106 kb)
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Fri 18 Sep 2009, 18:29, 9 replies)

I Love Sneaking Around Unobserved, Yet In Plain View
Most recently, at the local fast-food eatery, I passed through the entire process of waiting in line, ordering food, paying for it, sitting down and eating without being noticed by my friend the shop clerk, who was working the food line and serving customers (yet apparently not quite seeing his guests while he did so). By lowering my eyes, keeping my voice down when talking to the other servers, and keeping my gestures minimal, I made myself invisible to him despite being in plain view.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 18:27, Reply)

wildsling
by no means the most childish thing I've done as an adult, but its something I do quite often. I love lying at the top of the hill in my local park and launching waterbombs randomly with the aid of a foot-strap catapult. I once waterbombed a film crew of some gardening show off the telly from about 150ft away..... with, I'm happy to say, quite some success. (and if you were at the Big Chill and either got pelted during Norman Jay's set on Sunday, that was me. or in the campsite. or waiting for the shower. or toilets.... )
(daddyk, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 17:56, Reply)

Revenge mail
Not me but a mate, he was going out with this girl and took nudie pix of her. The relationship was fine, till they got married without telling her mum. Her mum had her kidnapped and annulled the marriage. (Really.)

My mate didn't take that too well, so he mailed the nudie pix to her parents with very detailed descriptions of all the sex acts he did to their daughter.
(Evil Simon, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 17:33, Reply)

When naked man walked the earth...
Quite often, when my better half (aged 27) is in a state of undress, he will be talking about any old thing and end the sentence with "...WHEN NAKED MAN WALKED THE EARTH!" in a booming voice. He will then stomp around the room singing the Jurassic Park theme tune.

Alternatively, he will sing "I am naked man, ner-ner-ner-ner-ner-ner naked man" to the tune of the riff from "Iron Man".

Maybe he just really likes being naked.
(claireyfairy There's a smell in here that will outlast religion, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 17:31, 4 replies)

Tom and Jerry meet the students:
I don't know if students actually count as adults, but we were all over 18, so it's worth a try.



Earlier this year I went skiing on a trip involving all the snowsports clubs of all the unis in the country. And a fucking awesome trip it was too.

On the way back, we had to catch the Calais-Dover ferry. We were all exhausted and in varying stages of drunkenness. I happened to potter into one of the passenger lounges where some little kids were sitting watching old Tom and Jerry cartoons on a big TV screen. For lack of anything else to do, I sat down a few metres behind them and started watching too. I heard some rustling noises behind me, but I didn't really think anything of it until I turned around.

There were, no word of a lie, over three hundred students crammed into this lounge, all staring at the TV with expressions of rapt fascination on their faces. The disappointment when we reached Dover was palpable.

That was one of the more surreal experiences of my life...
( MatJ LOOK, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 17:22, 3 replies)

office childishness
A cordless electric drill, a wheelbarrow wheel and an office chair led to this fun...

www.youtube.com/watch?v=pdALo886l2c

(That's me that is!)
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 17:14, 3 replies)

Does this count?
Sony eBook reader thingy on display in Waterstones this week seemed so painfully slow that I put it out of its misery.

Note to Waterstones staff: don't leave anything with the "Options - Advanced Options - Format" option unattended.

Length: about the same as a book - hardback, of course.
( eXOBeX, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 17:11, Reply)

What a big wand you have ....
My fiance and I are organising a Christmas "do" for the members of our local blind buggers club. We've persuaded the secretary of said club to dress up as a fairy and compere the night. He is about nineteen stone and has a bald head, so he will look rather fetching in a tu tu I expect.

What he doesn't know is we're going to braille up parts of his costume (complete with wand) with various childish Carry On style quotes and tell the audience to find the messages. There's nothing this group of blind people like more than cheap beer, and a fat bloke with "oooh matron" stuck to his bum.
(womanwhocanonlylivewithdogs, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 17:01, Reply)

Toothbrush of revenge!!!!
Breaking up is hard to do, so the saying goes. My ex missus didn’t think so, as she arbitrarily announced one night she was buggering off just after I’d picked her up after a night out. Had I known the bombshell she was psyching herself up to drop I’d have gotten pissed myself and made her bloody walk home. And possibly locked her out for good measure. But that’s all water under the bridge now, especially now that she’s not long for the world and I’m with somebody FAR better and much more deserving.

So, fast forward a few months and I’m still single, have eventually moved out of the marital hell hole, but still technically own half of it until she gets around to buying me out. Our relationship has settled down a bit to a point where we’re on friendly terms and quite comfortable with calling in for coffee or maybe going for the odd drink. At this point I still have a key for the place as she lets me use the computer for my uni course (I can’t afford to buy one at this point), and I’m also entrusted now and again to feed our her cats whilst she’s off cavorting with New Bloke. Oh, fuck it, his name was Graeme Slaughter and he was a smug wanker of the highest order with an irrational temper, as my ex described it. The latter part, that is. It was just me who thought he was a smug wanker. Biased? Me? No chance.

Anyway. One day I get a text asking me if I’d call in and feed the cats that evening as she wasn’t going to back until late and didn’t trust her dad to do it because he’d be in the pub slowly pickling himself to death. So I sauntered down to the house and let myself in, fed and made a fuss of the little furballs and generally kept them company for a bit. Helped myself to coffee, watched a bit of telly for an hour or so, then made moves to head back to my one-bedroomed batchelor pad of awesomeness™. The coffee had started to work its way through my system by now, and so I decided to avail myself of the facilities.

Stepping into the bathroom I immediately noticed something different that hadn’t been apparent the week before – an extra toothbrush in the toothbrush holder, and a shiny chrome stubble-o-matic STEALTH razor sitting on the shelf, looking self important. It was the kind of razor that looked as though it could slice half your face off from ten paces. Even the toothbrush emanated smugness. It didn’t take a genius to work out who they belonged to. Now, I’m not a petty person, but I became suddenly quite incensed that the bloke who had muscled in on my missus appeared to be gradually worming his way in to what was technically still half my house.

And so, with childish glee, as I began to piss like a horse I whipped the razor from the shelf and held it in the stream of my golden torrent of revenge. When I finished, I placed it back on the shelf, still dripping, and sniggering like a thirteen year old who’s just found a copy of The Joy of Sex behind the bins. Next time he has a shave he’ll be rubbing my piss all over his face. That’ll teach him; oh yes. He’s pissed all over my life, I’m just partially returning the favour really. But wait, there has to be more childish retribution to be had, surely?

Sticking a toothbrush up your arse is not an activity that’s going to catch on in the bedroom anytime soon, I feel. Well, not unless you’re Spanky. But the thought of him brushing his teeth one morning and thinking that the toothpaste tastes a bit funny made it worthwhile.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 18 Sep 2009, 16:58, 8 replies)

Childish Revenge - a plea for help
I've been totally done over by a company. They ran off with my money and disappeared, and I see that the bloke has set up a new company and registered it at companies house.

I quickly set to and registered his company name as a web domain or whatever its called. My questions are:

1. To a lawyer, can I get sued for this?
2. To a techie, can they find out who registered the name?
3. To a B3tan, is there something better than goatse I could stick on the guys brand new website I'm designing for him?

Heartfelt apologies for lack of funny and irrelevance, but I usually make an effort.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 16:57, 9 replies)

Catch the...
One of my most favourite childish games I played with my brother when I used to live with my parents was called ‘Catch The…’ It started when we were in the kitchen 3 years ago and I wanted to make some toast, my brother launched the bread across the room at me whilst shouting ‘CATCH THE BREAD’. This pretty much started an onslaught of items being hurled across the kitchen whilst shouting at one another. It went on for a few weeks, in the living room - 'CATCH THE REMOTE’, getting more adventurous each time - ‘CATCH THE VASE’. One afternoon my brother had shouted ‘CATCH THE COASTER’ and flung a wooden coaster at my head like a ninja bloody throwing star, I didn’t catch it, unless you count catching it with my face (which I didn't)... so vengeance was required.

About three hours later I wandered into the living room to find my brother asleep on the sofa. Now is the time, thought I, so I frantically searched around the room for something to throw at him. Stifling giggles I was uncontrollable, but there was a problem, I couldn’t find anything… or could I… Whispering my brothers name he sleepily opened his eyes and was confronted by me holding my parents beagle puppy over his face ‘catch the dog’ I laughed as she dived out of my arms, tail wagging, onto my brothers head! Mwahahaha.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 18 Sep 2009, 16:52, Reply)