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This is a question Christmas Tales

Deskbound says: "We found my nan's false teeth under the table a few hours after we'd finished Christmas lunch. The teeth still had a mouthful of food in them." Share your Crimble-related stories.

(, Thu 19 Dec 2013, 15:09)
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Wife gave birth to first child on the 22nd Dec. She wouldn't latch so was kept in to try to help breastfeeding. Eventually got home in the early hours of Christmas Eve.
By Christmas eve afternoon it was evident that baby wasn't happy on the boob and was distressed and hungry. Wife was sore and distressed too, so I was sent to Tesco's to stock up on formula to see us through Christmas day and Boxing Day.
Arrived at 5 to 5 as they were closing. Security knob on the door wouldn't let me in. So explained the situation expecting either logical sympathy or seasonal sympathy, or just plain common sense.
Prick still said no.
Felt like twatting the guy but he was bigger than me. So asked to speak to the manager.
Whilst waiting for him to appear, I fucked off to the petrol station that were open later and found some in there, so was almost happy.
Once the formula was in the car I went back and carried on waiting for the "busy" manager. When he eventually turned up, I ripped him a second arsehole and told the security guy what I thought of him too.
After I had calmed down I told thwm both that I'd be writing to their head office after taking their names.
I never did, but I hope their Christmasses were shit.
(, Mon 30 Dec 2013, 18:18, 80 replies)
So a new born child was distressed and hungry
and instead of rushing home, you hung around a supermarket trying to prove your fragile masculinity to a couple of minimum wage plebs?

It's a good job your wife was always fucking around. It'd be a fucking tragedy if the child was actually yours.
(, Mon 30 Dec 2013, 18:42, closed)
Shame she's too incompetent to breastfeed properly though.

(, Mon 30 Dec 2013, 19:09, closed)
It probably doesn't like the taste of all that spunk.

(, Mon 30 Dec 2013, 19:15, closed)
Home 'in the early hours'. Knew his missus was struggling.
Deffo all the shop's fault, here.
(, Mon 30 Dec 2013, 18:46, closed)
Wake up Ammy.
Home from the hospital.
(, Mon 30 Dec 2013, 20:25, closed)
yeah, wake up
and put your tissues down
(, Tue 31 Dec 2013, 14:30, closed)
Yeah, like I'm going to have a wank over this.

(, Tue 31 Dec 2013, 15:12, closed)
Why wank when his missus will suck you off for a can of skol.

(, Tue 31 Dec 2013, 17:43, closed)
For a second can she'll have your baby

(, Tue 31 Dec 2013, 18:14, closed)
Your kid doesn't have a chance.
Drown it now and save everyone a load of hassle.
(, Mon 30 Dec 2013, 19:07, closed)
just cos you survived your parents' attempt on you, doesn't mean you should wish it on others.
(, Tue 31 Dec 2013, 14:32, closed)
Aww bless, you've got uppity entitled first time parent syndrome.

(, Tue 31 Dec 2013, 17:14, closed)
ah. Same old faces being cunts,thinking they're clever.

(, Mon 30 Dec 2013, 19:59, closed)
Ah now, this one appears to be a new wannabe hardman.
I'll give him his due though, he admits to being too cowardly to actually follow through his threats.
(, Mon 30 Dec 2013, 20:07, closed)
you sound like the internet begbie

(, Tue 31 Dec 2013, 10:47, closed)
Learn to type, you thick cunt.

(, Tue 31 Dec 2013, 10:01, closed)
I'm very disappointed that you haven't told us
if your wife and baby are OK now.

Don't you care about us at all?
(, Mon 30 Dec 2013, 20:19, closed)
both fine
(, Tue 31 Dec 2013, 14:32, closed)
No hospital would have let your Mrs stay in for that long unless there were additional problems & would have also given you some pre-mixed formula to take with you when she was discharged if there were titty issues. . You'd have also received various samples of powdered formula in your Bounty pack.

Also; not heard of 24 hour chemists?

This smacks of 'OMG I must tell the Internet I've become a parent & find any reason to mention it'.
(, Mon 30 Dec 2013, 20:25, closed)
If he christens it Micro he's a dead man.

(, Mon 30 Dec 2013, 20:27, closed)
Damn straight.

(, Mon 30 Dec 2013, 20:29, closed)
Titty issues
That's worth a click all day long.
(, Tue 31 Dec 2013, 10:10, closed)
knew it would arouse some
dirty boy
(, Tue 31 Dec 2013, 14:33, closed)
Samples of formula?
None in our Bounty or Emma's Diary packs. Apparently it's illegal.
(, Wed 1 Jan 2014, 0:41, closed)
I had an ickle bundle of joy a few months ago, and we got no formula. I also got no help with latching from the very busy midwives, so the op's wife has my sympathies - a bad latch is agonising.
(, Wed 1 Jan 2014, 16:00, closed)

You went to a shop that was closed, and wasn't let in because it was closed. Despite the manager being very busy, as he was closing up on christmas eve and all, and considering your only complaint was that you couldn't shop in a shop that was closed, he came to speak to you anyway, at which point you verbally abused him and insulted a member of his staff, who had done nothing except perform his job as instructed. Your child was not even mildly imperilled by any of this, as you'd resolved the 'urgent' situation before he'd even arrived.

I bet you'll get both of them the sack with that...
(, Mon 30 Dec 2013, 20:44, closed)

you can't read very well. 5 to 5, not shut yet, still not allowed in. prick.
(, Tue 31 Dec 2013, 14:34, closed)

Everyone who has ever worked in a customer-facing job has heard the "well, my watch says..." line at two minutes past closing more times than they care to remember.

Be honest - there's no reason for the security guard to make his own life more difficult by stopping you from walking past if they'd still been open.
(, Tue 31 Dec 2013, 17:05, closed)
It would have been far more amusing if they'd allowed him into the shop but then refused to serve him when he reached the till on account of the shop being closed.
No doubt he would then have tried to leave with the milk anyway and would then get bundled off by the police to spend christmas in a cell.
(, Tue 31 Dec 2013, 18:04, closed)
It worries me that you've implied that had the security guy been smaller than you you would have twatted him.
The fact that you're easily provoked into physical violence towards those who annoy you and are smaller than you does not at all bode well for your baby.
(, Mon 30 Dec 2013, 23:40, closed)
It'll very quickly learn not to argue with its parents.

(, Tue 31 Dec 2013, 0:13, closed)
Until the day it's taller than its dad..

(, Tue 31 Dec 2013, 1:24, closed)
At about three years old.

(, Tue 31 Dec 2013, 10:42, closed)
And also suggests that he's a fucking coward and, ironically, given that someone on this thread is whining about 'the usual cunts', a terrible, terrible bully.

(, Tue 31 Dec 2013, 0:52, closed)
if his missus has any sense she'll a) leave him for someone who isn't a council estate scumbag, b) get him to foot the bill for all future childcare via the CSA

(, Tue 31 Dec 2013, 0:53, closed)
Terrible bullying of vinegar Strokes and Battered.

(, Tue 31 Dec 2013, 1:25, closed)
CSA don't exist no more.

(, Tue 31 Dec 2013, 8:12, closed)
this happened

(, Tue 31 Dec 2013, 0:48, closed)
How about a nice cup of ANGRY INTERNET AUTISM?

(, Tue 31 Dec 2013, 10:49, closed)
Do you have any bitter short biscuits to go with it?

(, Tue 31 Dec 2013, 11:13, closed)
Sorry, I smashed them all to crumbs with my bare fists earlier when some people on the internet didn't believe me.

(, Tue 31 Dec 2013, 11:46, closed)
Those were crumbs, I thought it was spilt angry amphetamine powder.
No wonder I am all bunged up.
(, Tue 31 Dec 2013, 13:14, closed)
Only snort powder off an NHS-certified hooker's arse.
(, Tue 31 Dec 2013, 13:43, closed)

(, Tue 31 Dec 2013, 13:28, closed)

fuck off cunter
(, Tue 31 Dec 2013, 14:36, closed)
we'll have none of your aggressive trolling here, thank you very much

(, Tue 31 Dec 2013, 15:17, closed)
There's something sexy about being ranted at in drooly lower-case.

(, Tue 31 Dec 2013, 15:37, closed)
The terrible queen has put me on lolignore 2.0
Sad times.
(, Tue 31 Dec 2013, 16:58, closed)
Won't someone think of all the other shopkeeps who probably would have been glad of the custom.
Not like those fascists who SHUT at FIVE meaning SHUT and not about 5.15 while you get your fucking baby formula. Happy New Year PRICK, learn to wet yourself like your child - it is probably the only way that you will ever experience a warm feeling.
(, Tue 31 Dec 2013, 16:05, closed)
Seems to me like you have anger management issues.
Hope your wife leaves you, for the kid's sake, otherwise God help it when it starts crying and you're around.
(, Tue 31 Dec 2013, 21:37, closed)
Shake it shake it baby now, twist and shout etc.

(, Tue 31 Dec 2013, 22:43, closed)
Damnit The LOVELY Infidel, now I've got Derek And Clive's Bo Duddley stuck in my head again.
(, Tue 31 Dec 2013, 22:57, closed)
An angry post about Tescos receives some responses accusing him of being unreasonable and a bully, then a further 50 odd to say his wife's an incompetent breastfeeder and will allow you to impregnate her for a can of Skol, he should drown his child to save time, and implying that he's Scottish?! Wuurl you couldn't make it up could yaaa! It's political correctness gone mayd, literally maaaaayd!
(, Wed 1 Jan 2014, 12:37, closed)
Shut up, virgin.

(, Wed 1 Jan 2014, 12:52, closed)
Sorry Dr, sorry, I'm really sorry
Sorry about my opinion Dr, I'll shut up. Really sorry. Sorry
(, Wed 1 Jan 2014, 13:22, closed)
Carefull now. don't question his all encompassing authority .
He does own this website you know. ( well it comes across that way at least)
Or just tell the twat to fuck off. It's easier.
(, Wed 1 Jan 2014, 13:56, closed)
^ butthurt and bitter ^

(, Wed 1 Jan 2014, 16:58, closed)
I'm apparently quite a big deal amongst the butthurt inferiority complex community.

(, Wed 1 Jan 2014, 18:26, closed)
Sorry sweetcakes
my back door only lets traffic move in one direction. Let me know and i'll send you a piccy to have a good tug to.
(, Wed 1 Jan 2014, 20:12, closed)

(, Wed 1 Jan 2014, 20:40, closed)
His gay what?

(, Wed 1 Jan 2014, 20:57, closed)

(, Wed 1 Jan 2014, 21:35, closed)
Glad that got cleared up.

(, Wed 1 Jan 2014, 23:43, closed)
Alright Rick Fathelme.

(, Wed 1 Jan 2014, 18:09, closed)
looks like the mods are gonna have to IP ban another entire country :(

(, Wed 1 Jan 2014, 18:37, closed)
I have enjoyed this thread, immensely.
Happy New Year, everyone.
(, Thu 2 Jan 2014, 10:17, closed)
Lies on the internet.

(, Thu 2 Jan 2014, 11:15, closed)

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