I signed up for the same comedy message board as a celebrity nonce!
b3ta.com/users/profile.php?id=51853
( Muns, Mon 24 Sep 2012, 13:10, Reply)

Jim Reid once told me to fuck off

(macroscian (1 like), Mon 24 Sep 2012, 12:48, 3 replies)

recruitment Consultantcy
I once worked as a recruitment consultant for Foday Sankoh. Lovely chap, he used to take on lots of kids on work experience from the local schools.
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Mon 24 Sep 2012, 12:42, Reply)

The Lark Ascending
When he was very young my music teacher shook hands with The great Ralph Vaughan-Williams. He said he was a huge man even in old age.
(Mackeson_drinker, Mon 24 Sep 2012, 12:37, Reply)

One day I said that lobsters are all fascists, and that bivalve molluscs are Lib Dems.
That was my clam defame, too.
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Mon 24 Sep 2012, 12:25, Reply)

Anne Robinson once described Mrs Vagabond as "A very pretty girl" in one of her newspaper columns.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 24 Sep 2012, 12:18, 3 replies)

Not mine, but my wifes......
....she got pissed on a train and called John Hannah a cunt. He was not happy with this at all. She got asked to move to the next carriage down and was sat next to Ricky Tomlinson and his son. He agreed that John Hannah was a cunt and let her use his mobile to call me to tell me the story. She neither knew who John Hannah or Ricky Tomlinson were, and had to get Mr Tomlinson to explain to me who it was she'd just fallen out with. He thought it was hilarious, his son tried it on with my wife.
( The only Dave is pushing things forward, Mon 24 Sep 2012, 11:52, 1 reply)

I once pissed next to Telly Savalas at a urinal in a golf club in the eighties when I was about 10.
He might be dead now, I'm not sure and can't be arsed to Google it.
(FUXTIX Not my words, Carol, Mon 24 Sep 2012, 11:51, 4 replies)

I do clinical trials and once mistook Rik Mayall for a dirty old man.
and one such trial involved me not only pretending to be japanese for three weeks, but having PET scans regularly. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Positron_emission_tomography for those who'd like to read more. Considering the type of trial, I had to be escorted everywhere by a nurse. We're in the shop outside Hammersmith hospital killing time waiting for a scan and my nurse nudges me and points towards an unkempt, unshaven man in a long black coat staying intently at the top shelf of the magazine aisle. I said to my nurse god he looks like a ropey character". He heard us an looked around. I back peddled and he started taking the piss. He was there for brain scan after his quad bike accident. He was nice, very animated and called me "a mental" for being a human guinea pig!


Oh and Shane McGowan punched me in the face on stage in front of my mum, but i'll save that for another time!
(sunray18, Mon 24 Sep 2012, 11:13, 6 replies)

In no particular order..
I once had a half hour conversation with Maxim Reality from the Prodigy round a mates house. the funny part of it was I didn't recognise him (despite being a fan) until he had left and my mate told me who he was. I later went on to buy an Akai MPC drum machine from him.

I used to sit next to the girl who played Chrissy Mannering in Grange Hill (I think her real name was Sonia Kearns) in English on the few times she turned up to 'real' school. I think we even talked to each other once.

My mum used to work for Gerry Anderson of 'Thunderbirds' fame

My Nan used to make riding outfits for Joan Collins

Boy George played one of a very limited run of a vinyl track I made in 1999 on Galaxy FM. I have still to see the royalties cheque.

Kathy Burke 'gave me evils' while I was waiting for a cash machine in Camden once - I was only staring into space (as you do) - why would you want to stare at Kathy Burke?

I used to work in a games shop in Southgate, where Jon Ritman (Match Day/Head over Heels fame) was a regular (very nice bloke) as were Martin Shaw of the Professionals and some 80's cricketer who's name escapes me now..

My dad had some of the 70's period Tottenham football team round to watch some porn on his projector after the pub once.

Mark Lamarr bought my sister a pint of cider at the Camden Palais once.

I danced with Martine McCutcheon of Eastenders/Yoghurt fame at some basement party in east London once, she was very 'refreshed' to say the least..

Shit enough for you?

EDIT: I had a pint with Emily Lloyd-Pack a year or so back as well... A friend fell out of her ground floor window (into the basement though!) window putting up some blinds for her shortly after.
( DeadEyeDick, Mon 24 Sep 2012, 11:02, Reply)

My great aunt was Bud Flanagan's PA
Of Flanagan and Allen, if anyone else has heard of them.

Is that obscure enough?

Oh, and my ex girlfriend does several top snooker player's accounts.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Mon 24 Sep 2012, 10:56, 3 replies)

Oh and I went clubbing with James Lance off of things in the late nineties a couple of years ago
but it seems that everyone has.
(jennymnemonic, Mon 24 Sep 2012, 10:37, 1 reply)

Performing at the Edinburgh festival
So far this year:

I shared an umbrella with Paul Daniels, Debbie McGee and their rabbit. They are really very nice.

Stephen K Amos stood on my foot.

Richard Herring jogged past me on his way round the Meadows.

I shared some candyfloss with Zoe Lyons.

Sean Walsh bummed a cigarette off me.

Ewan Thomas picked me up and lifted me off an exhibition stand.

I deliberately burped at Jamilia Jamil.
(jennymnemonic, Mon 24 Sep 2012, 10:35, Reply)

Beck

When I was out of town, Beck and his band stayed at the house I was sharing with a bunch of co-workers. (Dot com startup rented a huge place we could crash at until we found ourselves somewhere permanent)

Beck stayed in my room.
Slept in my bed.
Made a complete mess.
Rummaged through my drawers.
Got coke all over the walls. (the sticky fizzy kind)

.
( gp_guineapig, Mon 24 Sep 2012, 10:31, Reply)

I once saw Matt Di Angelo on the tube.
Well, it might have been him.
( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Mon 24 Sep 2012, 9:49, Reply)

Oh yeah.
One of my friends sisters is married to Phil Tuffnels brother.
(username failed moderation, Mon 24 Sep 2012, 9:39, Reply)

I had a shit
in Jonny (Radiohead) Greenwood's toilet.
It was special... so fucking special.
(Bocboy, Mon 24 Sep 2012, 9:33, 1 reply)

Eye pod Copperfield encounter
My brother and I once shared a London Eye capsule/pod thing with David Copperfield (not that one..the one from 80's comedy thing Three of a Kind). He seemed like a lovely bloke and said that Tracey Ullman still calls him. Lenny Henry doesn't.
(fur q, Mon 24 Sep 2012, 9:20, Reply)

Coincidence? I think not...

If you take my real name, and change the letters around…

Then remove some of the letters, and add some different ones…

It spells: ‘Dame Vera Lynn’!

Fuck me, every time I even think about it I need to have a sit down.
(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Mon 24 Sep 2012, 8:45, 1 reply)

Should have gone to PC World
I once fixed the computer of Glitter Band drummer Tony Leonard
(the_icks has the sweet essence of giraffe, Mon 24 Sep 2012, 7:29, 2 replies)

Show business and Royalty
Once had post show drinks with Cliff and the Shadows, unfortunately Cliff the keyboard player not the singer. Came across Eddie Izzard in midst of intense discussions before a show in Hertfordshire, decided not to interrupt him, met the late Max Bygraves who wisecracked his way through a hotel restaurant fire in Bristol, went to school with Ian McNeice, star of Doc Martin, Ace Ventura, Rome etc.

But to top it all, my great or maybe great great Aunt was Archduchess Sophie who got assassinated in Sarajevo with her husband and precipitated the First World War.

Not much to show for over 60 years is it?
(Classic Ray, Mon 24 Sep 2012, 6:32, 2 replies)

I went to school with Jeremy Hunt
Not the infamous Tory MP, but another one. He was a twat too, though, so I think that this counts.
( Pope Shax XIII uses Visio for picture editing, does it show?, Mon 24 Sep 2012, 5:13, Reply)

I've also signed autographs with the band Bennet.
They were playing a titchy venue, The Frog On The Front, under the Portsmouth Pyramids.

After the gig, the band came out a side door, and stood and drank at our table. People were asking them for autographs on posters and shit. I had a marker pen, and lent it to the band. They were passing stuff to me to sign too.

The band were well cool and we chatted for a while. Then they made their excuses and left.

I hope I fucked some OCD collector's shit right up.
( Pope Shax XIII uses Visio for picture editing, does it show?, Mon 24 Sep 2012, 4:29, 2 replies)

Work sent me to a project in Stockholm for a few weeks. (It's a wonderful city.)
One morning in the taxi to work, the driver told me I was sitting in the same seat that Bob Dylan had sat in the night before when he had been in town on tour.

I wish I could say something funny like he had eaten a ball of string and puked it up, and I got Tangled Up In Spew, but he didn't, so I can't.
( Pope Shax XIII uses Visio for picture editing, does it show?, Mon 24 Sep 2012, 4:13, Reply)

My ex-wife slept in Noel Fielding's bed.
He wasn't there at the time.
( Ambegris likes his tea stirred anti-clockwise, Mon 24 Sep 2012, 3:20, 3 replies)

I went to Iceland yes the country no not the supermarket
And when we went for a fry up one morning at this cafe in Reyjkaviavvaik Bjork was just leaving and i got to sit where she sat AND IT WAS STILL WARM FROM HER BODY HEAT!!!

As shit claims to fame go, it's right up there. Still gets me off from time to time, when I think about what might have been.
(CADmonkey rollllllllled another one, just like the other one, Mon 24 Sep 2012, 1:14, Reply)

The Berlin Wall
My shit claim to fame is that I was at the fall of the Berlin Wall in 1989...with Timmy Mallett.

The mental children's 'personality' was there, sensing that history was in the making, and that he could be there with a TV crew to get some free airtime.

Me. I was there upon instruciton from my dad, chipping away at the wall with a hammer and a screwdriver (as you do) and I noticed Mallett in the distance - he was harassing German children who didn't have a clue who he was - and stupidly shouted his name out and waved (I was young and stupid, I realise my mistake now!).

Hearing me speak English, he (and the camera crew) raced over, and he proceeded to be mental. He was hitting the wall with Mallett's Mallet (a big foam hammer, for those who don't know), and then hitting me over the head with it.
I was 6. I was being hit over the head by a mental patient with a foam hammer.

I burst into tears and ran to my mum...live on TV.

I had nightmares for years, and even now I get a cold shiver down my spine when I see that bastard's face!!
(Kezmo, Sun 23 Sep 2012, 22:07, 2 replies)

Googlewhack
I was in the crowd at the filming of the Googlewhack DVD. I don't think you see me that often as I kept looking at the camera thinking "Am I laughing in a way that doesn't embarrass me?"

Also I know the comedian Noel James who came around our house once and does gigs for my housemate.
(WiggZ, Sun 23 Sep 2012, 20:45, Reply)

Sade has seen my cock

( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Sun 23 Sep 2012, 18:48, 9 replies)

Shit claim to fame
Got my photo taken with Philip Schofield, one very nice man who put up with lots of people asking for photos with him, why do people do it, I did it because someone I was with set it up without asking me and I felt very sorry for him. Oh and the Queen and Prince Philip were there
(leilaferguson, Sun 23 Sep 2012, 18:17, Reply)