how does gravity work?
it's quite baffling
( revolution now 👊, Fri 16 Oct 2009, 0:06, 2 replies)

Blunt pencils.
I mean, I don't see the point?
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 16 Oct 2009, 0:05, 2 replies)

I get everything.
Seriously. I get everything. I understand the attraction to absolutely every single bloody thing everyone has mentioned. I don't LIKE Little Britain, RnB music, Oysters, Idol or Jordan, but i can understand why other people do.

BECAUSE THEY ARE FUCKING STUPID!

People are idiots. They see crowds, shiny objects, long lines or price tags with a few extra zeros, and they're all over it. Extra points for deafening music.
If there's one thing I don't get, it's how we, as a species, have survived so long, and come up with the technology needed to power all the sub-woofers, iPhones, fake tits, glow-sticks etc.

Of course, I'm a heavy smoker, so perhaps I should get off my high horse and back on my iron lung..
(r0ach, Fri 16 Oct 2009, 0:03, Reply)

World of Warcraft
or any MMORPG, i really can't imagine spending all that time wasted playing countless hours on these type of games.

i do however wish i had shares in blizzard, with countless millions of players all paying £££'s each month, money for old rope.
( Thor_sonofodin has done things, terrible things on, Fri 16 Oct 2009, 0:03, 1 reply)

Summer
Ok, I know we haven't had a proper one for a few years but I call that a blessing.

The simple fact is it's easier to get warm when you're too cold than it is to cool down when you're sweating like John Prescott walking up four flights of stairs. Jumper, mug of Bovril, open fire, glass of brandy, lovely; but what can you do when it's boiling?

Open a window about 1/10th the thickness of a human hair and you'll have swarms of big fuck off wasps and bluebottles rattling round your house until November. Switch on a fan and you just blow hot air straight into your face. Spend a fortune on fancy air conditioning and you just dry out your eyeballs before realising you won't even need to switch the thing on again for five years and then it'll break and the warranty will have run out two days before Michael Fish starts giving the weather forecast in gas marks.

You have to drag the head of your bed right under the window and have it open all night just to try and get a breath of fresh air with which to go to sleep on, then just as the temperature drops enough to let you drop off the bastard sun comes up...in the middle of the night.

Then you get the daytime which turns into full on sensory GBH. The air is permanently thick with the smell of incinerated pig and every chav in Christendom decides to worship that big, yellow glowy thing in the sky in the traditional manner, the playing of 'Ibiza Anthems vol 42,609' at full volume through open windows all day.

I could continue (and I will)

-Wimbledon fortnight - and the assorted fucknuttery that goes along with it.

-Festivals - Yay, your favourite artist is playing a show. Unfortunately you've got to pay hundreds of pounds for the privilege of seeing them play for 40 minutes from four miles away while surrounded by a bunch of Tarquins and Ruperts, drinking a warm, plastic glass of £6 Carling, with your bowels backed up to the back end of buggery, in the mud and in the fucking rain.

-Ale - Rather than a nice, dark, spicy, chewy winter ale you get that horrible, citrusy, gassy, pale-as-a-witches-tit nonsense that is a summer ale. Worse than that, it sells so well in the summer that they keep it on sale all year. Funny enough I don't really want a bottle of 'Summer Lightning' with my Christmas dinner.

-Cricket - Actually I love cricket, but summer is the time that I tend to spend £10 a day watching Glamorgan play cricket like the Keystone Cops. If there was no summer I wouldn't have to do this. Of course, I could just hope for Glamorgan to have a decent cricket team...but even in these days of global warming I think it's more realistic to wish for the year to switch straight from April into October.

-Grannies in sandals - put them away dear, please. The last time those things were even semi-presentable was when Hitler was still known as 'That nice man from Germany with the funny moustache'.

It's three months of hell every four years.
(Dai Napoleon, Fri 16 Oct 2009, 0:00, 3 replies)

Breakfast in Bed
The crumbs from the toast inevitably go all over the sheets and so the next night it feels like you're bedding down on sandpaper. Just shit.
(Hansdown, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 23:57, 5 replies)

Hello! We're the black-eyed peas
We make the kind of music a five year old would find insulting. Whats that? A new single? Can we in anyway tie it in to some form of commercial? We can? Brilliant

Right, lets get a meaningless statement..."Where is the love" or "I gotta feeling that tonights gonna be a good night". Great. Repeat it about fifty times over a dull beat that sounds like it could have come from garage band.

What's that? More time needed...shit. Throw in some words that barely rhyme. Fergie can do her "thing" for a bit, whatever it is she does.

Still more? Really? Oh...Words in other languages. That'll do nicely. Plaster the whole thing in excessive amounts of auto-tune, then eat it, excrete it out onto a cd and go sell sell sell!

Number 1? Great. This means so much, its really important for us...HAHA no, just pass over the sack full of money.

Same time later this summer, yeah?
(Urban Hermit Exit, pursued by a bear on, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 23:54, 2 replies)

This QOTW
Seems to be just an excuse to get all ranty and shouty. Don't get it.

Bindun, surely?
( argyleblanket The man on the roof works for me, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 23:51, Reply)

Wolves
Such an overrated animal. They're okay, but they're just big dogs. Yet everyone loves them and says they're so spiritual and wonderful and shit.
( Bob Todd whee, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 23:43, 2 replies)

Mock the Week
Dara O'Briain: Hello, and welcome to Mock the Week. I'm Dara O'Briain, and I'm not doing a stand-up bit, presumably because it used to give away all the answers. The first round is called "If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?" Russell, pick a topic.

Russell Howard: Anything.

Dara O'Briain: Okay, the answer is "a ridiculously large number".

Russell Howard: Is it "how many times has this episode of Mock the Week been on Dave?"

Andy Parsons: EXTERMINATE!

Dara O'Briain: And I'm going to give the points to Frankie, Hugh and Easily Booked Guest #1. Okay, the next round is called "try to tenuously link an existing bit of your stand-up routine to a category I read out", so would everyone go and stand on the lowered bit of the set we used on Whose Line Is It Anyway? Okay, the first topic is "the congestion charge". Anyone?

Andy Parsons: So, the congestion charge, eh? George Bush is a bit thick. A joke about that.

Dara O'Briain: Well done, Andy, sit down. The next round is called "Between the Lines", where Frankie, you'll take the part of Gordon Brown making a speech, and Hugh, you say what he really means.

Frankie Boyle: Clever setup line for Hugh.

Hugh Dennis: I hate everyone.

Frankie Boyle: Clever setup line for Hugh.

Hugh Dennis: I hate everyone.

Frankie Boyle: Clever setup line for Hugh.

Hugh Dennis: I hate everyone.

Dara O'Briain: Well done both of you, sit down and I'll award one of you points for "winning" even though you're both on the same team. The last round is called "Scenes We'd Like To See", and the first topic is "Bad or Otherwise Unlikely Things for Someone with a Vaguely Newsy kind of Job to Say".

Hugh Dennis: Are you paying too much for your car insurance?

Frankie Boyle: Paedophiles.

Dara O'Briain: Okay, so this week's winners are whichever team I feel like. Well done to everyone. Goodnight!
(__, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 23:35, 9 replies)

Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer
Its not big, clever, or "Alternative". Its shite
(Sir Tainley Barking Ezekiel 23:20, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 23:34, 7 replies)

I forgot..
Goths who dress as Victorians

I mean, I remember it clearly..Bob Smith in his "I am an extra from Oliver" phase, all posh mourning clothes and affectations.

Wankers
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 23:23, Reply)

Travelling
OK, i dont mind a jaunt for a week or two, max, but the whole idea of backpacking round 'the wurld', or anywhere for that matter just doesn't appeal to me in the slightest. I have been on various foreign holidays and the highlight of all of them, has been arriving back home!

Why the fuck would anyone want to shuffle around poverty stricken/weird/dangerous/strange/annoying places pretending to 'see the world'. Fuck that. I live in Scotland, and people come HERE for a holiday, so if it's good enough for them, it's good enough for me...i live here goddamit. I like iving here, i like the way things work, it's familiar and i can navigate it with ease.

Fuck airports, fuck queuing, fuck discomfort, fuck chronic diarrhoa, fuck scenes of crushing poverty, fuck australians with their irritating accent, fuck people trying to rip me off or take what i have, fuck drinking FAR too much weak lager, fuck all the other cunts you meet who are having the same shitty 'experience', and attempting to bond on that basis alone and boring each other with small talk and tales of mediocrity.

Fuck.It.All
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 23:22, 3 replies)

Zooey Deschanel
You are welcome to enjoy her, but I just don't. There I said it.
( intesvensk can't recall when I last checked the newsletter, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 23:20, Reply)

keeping it short...
Friends, the US tv show; honestly, WTF?

The Apprentice...to misquote someone much funnier than me, if I want to see some power mad Jew and his 12 sycophantic hangers-on, I will watch The Passion of Christ.
I know people who watch this reality TV and think this is some guide to business leadership.

RomComs

Lady Gaga

Irving Welsh...I never ever got him, and I am Scottish

and whilst I am at, people talking in Scots..."ooo! it's a language!" "fuck off, it is a regional English dialect, you're just doing it to sound different and alienate people wot talk proper"

Born-again bikers

other peoples kids...I have some of my own but why should I give a toss about yours
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 23:15, 2 replies)

Cars
Not any particular car, just cars in general.

I've owned cars for 20-odd years and never become attached to one, or felt proud of it.

It's a car, ffs - just a means of transport. About as interesting as my 'workday' underwear.

I always run bangers, because I wouldn't waste money on anything better. Even if I could afford a posh motor I wouldn't buy one.

If I were to write one off I could replace it next day for £200, from the scrapyard or that dodgy bloke up the street who always has one for sale with a cardboard sign in the back window. Sorted.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 23:14, 2 replies)

dArren Brown
and it IS Darren Brown, however much that cunt makes anyone think its derren its not o.k.!

Hes just rubbish. Its plant after plant after plant.

its a stage show of scripted bullshit hes not even got a stage presence, he just sucks balls.

End Of!
(bruxia, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 23:01, 2 replies)

I Kind of Understand
Why teenager girls wear slogans on their ass, after all, they're not likely to have that fine booty forever - might as well show it off. I can even understand 20, 30, or (heaven forfend) 40-somethings wearing track suits that advertise how "JUICY" they are. Trying to be in style and look younger, plus (hopefully) show off all that work on the Stairmaster. Got it.

What I don't understand the attraction for is younger teens, preteens, and children wearing these provocative sayings - On Their Ass! Who is buying this crap? Who is manufacturing it? It's just plain wrong and disturbing to see a 11-year old whose ass says "69". I don't need, or want to know, or even think about that, OK?

20 years ago, Jerry Seinfeld had a routine about the Olympics where he advocated slapping advertisements on the gymnasts asses. It was pretty funny, until you realized most of the gymnasts were like 15. Still, I never imagined it would become commonplace, much less extend to little kids. I mean, for chrissakes - I saw a kid of about 6 the other day, whose ass said "FRESH". That's clearly inappropriate.
(danalan Pretty good, for an amateur., Thu 15 Oct 2009, 22:51, 3 replies)

Lack of awareness of your surroundings
I don't get the attraction of standing in a big group that is blocking everyone else's way. You see these groups all the time in London (especially on the underground) - these are the people who stop and chat at the top/bottom of stairs/escalators or in front of the doors to a lift or in doorways. It also happens on the pavement outside museums which is really annoying because that's generally kids on a school trip and the teachers make no attempt to prevent this happening and you need to walk in the road to get past them (I work near the Natural History Museum so I get really pissed off by this).
I really don't understand how people can do this let alone seem to enjoy it because whenever I'm in a group that are in people's way I get really stressed out about it and keep trying to get everyone to move to a more sensible spot. It seems that when you are in a group you become impervious to dirty looks and not so discrete comments about your lack of consideration.
(mmm....beer, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 22:50, 1 reply)

300
Yes, yes - I KNOW it's not meant to be based on history and to have a cartoonish feel.

But that doesn't stop it being monkey jizz.

I'm generally the sort of person who WILL watch a film to the grim death because I've paid my money, but I walked out of that one.
(Audax Victor, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 22:44, 6 replies)

Why the fuck
is it called a blowjob ?
( SpankyHanky, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 22:43, 11 replies)

Laughter
It's overrated, omnipresent and irritating. I swear, every time I hear/see someone laughing I am reminded of our simian cousins; all bared teeth and aggression. Simply not socially subtle.
(roysin, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 22:38, 1 reply)

Crap music at social occasions..
When I was young, I used to be really po-faced about music. Mostly 'cos it was all really bleak stuff like The Smiths, Joy Division etc.. Apart from the charty stuff that ALWAYS got played at weddings, family functions etc. And sure enough, all of my family members, and assorted friends (who were otherwise fairly cool) would shriek like toddlers and run towards the dancefloor, in order to either sit on the (sticky, grungy) floor in rows and pretend to compete in some sort of rowing race. or do enthusiastic "actions" to whatever horrible Black Lace tune was playing. Awful, Awful, Awful..

Now that I'm a grown up (or so my passport says) I work at various social functions, and whilst Black Lace have fallen out of favour (Thank Fuck!) They have been replaced by fat middle aged women teetering around flailing madly "Macarenaing".. or... or .. the God-Awful Whigfield's sickly ickle girly "Saturday Night" and it gets worse... they always, always without fail, play some ABBA. They never seemed to torture us with it much in the 80s, but the horrible cringey close harmonies of "Dancing Queen" always fills the floor up faster than a sale at Fecking Primark, and with the same participants. I really really don't get cheesey music. I have tried, and tried doing the dancing with my young colleagues, but it just gives me the headaches. Give me some Techno, Accoustic Blues, Ska, Metal, anything.. Just not THAT!

I'm off for a sit down now, take the weight off my slingbacks...
(Beer Elf Thought this was like a campfire, anyhow, on, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 22:32, 5 replies)

I don't get
World of Warcraft - you might as well tattoo VIRGIN on your forehead and save yourself £££'s on the subscription fees

dub step - it's just listening to a nice slice of dub, with someone banging a bit of two by four on the side of a van

Jeremy Kyle - hates the unemployed, anyone with a criminal record, underage single mothers, alcholics, basically anyone that sits around watching ITV on a Wednesday afternoon

vegitarinism - cow tastes good. pig tasts good. panda tastes good

sky diving - 'don't worry about landing the plane mate, I'll just get out here'

Heat magazine - if you fire bombed their head office, Jorden will fade away ino dust, like if she drank from the wrong Holy Grail

Micheal McIntyre - no real jokes, just shout something and skip across the stage like a suger-crazed child coming out to his parents

N-Dubz - somewhere in Essex there's an understaffed Burger King

Harry Potter - just fuck off

that Scottish bloke from the Basingstoke CDG Job Centre course - 'you's ever been to the north? you's don't know how gud you's got it in the south ya pansy'
I'm still signing on, sleeping on a sofa, living on a diet of Tudor Rose and noodles and giving handjobs for my crack fix you smug stuck up git
( Captain Tripps is your taxloss lover from Liverpool, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 22:22, Reply)

Family Guy
Ok it is a bit funny but come on, Simpsons is numero one
it goes like this:
1 simpsons
2 south park
3 family guy
I get shouted at because of this. I know people with every FG boxset who never shut up about it and I think it's a bit sad.
(xwoody01, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 22:17, 5 replies)

Maybe it's just me...
...But I really don't get why people stop supporting/listening to a band because they "got too big". Seriously, what's the point of listening to unknown bands, only to stop liking them when everyone else starts listening to them too? What is the attraction there? Do they get their kicks from it? I know a few bands that I think shouldn't get too big as they'll end up playing in arenas and their music will sound shit in such venues (Porcupine Tree springs to mind, if anyone here knows them, especially after their recent show at the Hammersmith Apollo/Odeon), but that's more a case of live musical quality being degraded as opposed to stopping supporting any band when they make the big time, simply because they've made the big time. By definition, I'm also confused about people hating anything that makes it big, such as games and films and suchlike.

I also really don't get the Twilight books. They are bad, bad literature, written around the premise of one woman's erotic dream. If it wasn't for the fact that I borrowed the first book off a mate, I would have happily burnt it regardless of the fact that my parents brought me up to be respectful to books. They make me rage and die inside a little every time I hear anyone talking about them.

I also don't see the attraction of U2. I want to break Bono's face every time I see it.

Lastly, I'm confused about coffee shops. Why the fuck are there so many, and why are there so many fucking varieties of coffee? If it's big, brown, comes in a mug and requires a minimum of two sugars, that is coffee for me. The only vaguely sensible thing about the fucking various chains of coffee shop (and for that matter, why the fuck do we need so many that all sell the same fucking types of coffee under different brand names?), is the fact that they offer different sizes of coffee. That, I can understand. Some days I fancy a big coffee, other days I fancy a little coffee. But to have so many fucking different kinds of coffee with fifty fucking toppings and different shit that goes on it is taking it too fucking far. You may guess I am a tad annoyed about the existence of such things.
(Ghost Atreides enjoying incontestable health benefits on, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 22:14, 10 replies)

I don't understand the attraction of...
Honda Accords.

Well someone had to.
( Kovacs Slogan free since 2003, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 22:12, 1 reply)

'The Sun'
If you're too retarded to read a real paper then just buy the fucking Beano.
(powermonkey poo is a weapon, monkeys use it, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 22:11, 11 replies)

Three Fingers
The unbridled joy of stupid fucking drinking games. I once went to an evening billed as an evening of drinking games with a load of good mates. So strict was the 'chief chairman' that all conversation was prohibited. Mercifully, the evening took place in someones house rather than subjecting innocent pub goers to our 'mad' antics.

By the end of the evening I had been bollocked by the chief more times than the naughty kid on an off day and I was pissed and ready to puke having been ordered to down more cider/beer/cheap wine than an AA clinic on an away day. It felt like school where I was forced to drink the milk and eat the cold, lumpy, grainy mashed potato.

length - a yard, too much to swallow.
(Hansdown, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 22:09, 2 replies)