To the waiter
in the Oriel brasserie, Sloane Square. Circa 1997.

It wasn't me that knocked the bottle of St Emillion over on the table, making you have to move everything off the table, change the linen, put everything back and mop the floor.

It was the girl I was having lunch with. She was one of our brokers, we were meeting to discuss business. I was fingering her under the table, and she knocked the bottle over when she came.

Sorry.
( Not Pineapple anymore, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 10:58, 80 replies)

I hope it wasn't
a decent vintage
(Psymon_Spark Jesus Saves! The rest of you take 4d6 damage, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 11:01, closed)

.
It wasn't bad. Full bodied, floral bouquet.

The wine was OK too.
( Not Pineapple anymore, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 11:02, closed)

Are you talking about the broker you fingered, or the wine?
(Maclir, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 15:14, closed)

No,
I didn't finger the wine.
( Not Pineapple anymore, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 15:43, closed)

I fingered
her in there too!
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 11:51, closed)

This is my favourite story that really happened.

( WormuIus, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 13:08, closed)

If this did happen, and it's possible.
I still think that it's a shit reply to the question; designed purely to boast about how you touched a girl and she liked it.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 13:15, closed)

Psst.
Are you expecting a Katy Perry reference in this response?
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 13:18, closed)

And your mum tastes like lemon chapstick

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 13:19, closed)

lemon chapstick would sting so much!

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 13:43, closed)

Your mum is a broker?

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 13:17, closed)

his mum, I broke 'er

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 13:20, closed)

Needs moar croissant

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 13:18, closed)

I hope you tipped him one of your many Ferraris because you felt so bad.

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 13:18, closed)

Needs MOAR AUTISM

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 13:23, closed)

pfft

( zulu eh?, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 13:59, closed)

How were you sat?
Were you opposite her and using you Go-Go-Gadget arm under the table?
Were you beside her and therefore very obviously fingering her?
Or were you knelt under the table? (In which case, why didn't you just lick her out, seeing as you were down there?)
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 13:23, closed)

And you called me a dirty bastard for the chip shop bukkake comments?
Women! *rolls eyes*
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 13:26, closed)

I'm just curious
Reach under your desk now, attempt to finger the imaginary woman opposite you.
Your hand won't pass much further than your own knee.
Unless, you get down under the table or you're actually sitting right up next to her, and then your arm will be crossed over her and you will evidently fingering her for all the restauraunt to see, unless it was a pathetic little swipe with your little finger, and that isn't going to cause her to knock the booze over, is it?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 13:31, closed)

the lady makes a valid point
maybe he has a fing-longer
futurama.wikia.com/wiki/Fing-Longer
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 13:33, closed)

He should have mentioned that
and then we wouldn't have wrongly doubted him
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 13:34, closed)

He could have had her sit to his side.
Or maybe they were in a booth?
Who are we to doubt him?
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 13:36, closed)

Nobody
We're absolutely NOBODY to doubt him.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 13:45, closed)

might as well have touched her vadge with a stick.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 13:40, closed)

A finger-shaped stick though
Maybe this is just a question of terminology
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 13:45, closed)

(__, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 13:27, closed)

Sometimes Friz
sometimes you are SPOT ON THE MONEY
( WormuIus, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 13:28, closed)

that is superb
the facial expressions on the last panel are nothing short of brilliant
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 13:30, closed)

(__, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 13:37, closed)

haha
I've drawn the fateful moment but the b3ta uploader is too slow.
( WormuIus, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 13:39, closed)

( WormuIus, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 13:41, closed)

Love the arm tattoo detail.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 13:42, closed)

It's like one of those political commentary cartoons in the broadsheets
Where people are labelled "vested interests" or "liberal guilt"
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 13:53, closed)

Or a bear with a hammer & sickle on its flank

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 14:31, closed)

Haha.

( Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 13:43, closed)

Fantastic.

( Harold Bishop's Love Child some sort of terrifying sex magician., Fri 27 Aug 2010, 13:40, closed)

I'm almost crying at these

( WormuIus, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 13:42, closed)

Friz has got to show how the wine really got knocked over yet.
Looking forward to it.
( Harold Bishop's Love Child some sort of terrifying sex magician., Fri 27 Aug 2010, 13:46, closed)

(__, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 13:44, closed)

YES!

( WormuIus, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 13:46, closed)

better and better :-D

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 13:47, closed)

these are excellent.More please.

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 13:47, closed)

Is that drool or lady juice I see dripping onto the floor?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 13:50, closed)

(__, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 13:52, closed)

YES!

( Harold Bishop's Love Child some sort of terrifying sex magician., Fri 27 Aug 2010, 13:55, closed)

:D
That's beautiful
( SugarSpunSister Yeah, whatever, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 13:59, closed)

(__, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 13:59, closed)

I've put this on /board. They should love it.

(__, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 14:04, closed)

It's superb.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 14:06, closed)

Keep 'em coming!
Wish I had an actual mouse and not some shitty touchpad thing on my laptop.... I can't draw in paint at all with this thing.
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 13:45, closed)

I'm drawing these with a touchpad, actually

(__, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 13:45, closed)

Either you're more skilled with touchpad stuff
Or my laptop is realy, realy shit. I'm thinking both....
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 13:46, closed)

Out of all the things you could have made up...
THIS is your fantasy?
( Harold Bishop's Love Child some sort of terrifying sex magician., Fri 27 Aug 2010, 13:29, closed)

calling AB... calling AB... archive alert

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 13:37, closed)

I'll Gaz him in a bit

( WormuIus, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 13:47, closed)

he really shouldn't miss this all time classic

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 13:48, closed)

Can't say I've ever fingered anyone in a restraunt...
But, Like Roota the logistics of the entire thing are a bit confusing... I mean unless the tables are REALY close together, she was rather large (as in large enough to clear the gap between two tables) or she went into some kind of epileptic fit as she came......

Yeah I'm thinking maybe you tried it on and she slammed her chair back into the other people's table by accident in shock and revulsion.
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 13:38, closed)

This story is 100% true - I was there.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 13:40, closed)

What a chin!
It's like an ironing board!
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 13:46, closed)

All the better to finger you with, my dear.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 13:52, closed)

chingering

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 13:53, closed)

'I like this'

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 13:54, closed)

You dirty bastard.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 14:00, closed)

See Monty's pic on OT

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 14:03, closed)

on OT below
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 14:04, closed)

Roota, earlier:

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 14:04, closed)

Bitches keep hollerin', Mont

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 14:09, closed)

He appears to be smelling his fingers in that pic.
Rather apt under the circumstances.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 14:10, closed)

He's wafting them dry
She leaks like a broken Zanussi
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 14:11, closed)

what would
be the point of making up a story like that?

It was slightly arranged. We had been there before, and had fumbled about. She sort of bet me I couldn't make her come in a packed restaurant.

The tables are small, we where sat on a benchy type of seat, next to each other. The table cloth was quite big, so it covered both our laps quite easily. She wore a short skirt and no knickers.

Before you get bored of reading, I must add those cartoons are fucking brilliant. If I still knew how to get in contact with her, I'd send them to her.

And by the way - whoever wrote the ferrari comment, Oriel Brasserie is FAR from being the most expensive restaurant in that area. It was chosen because it was always busy, making the challenge worthwhile.
( Not Pineapple anymore, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 14:25, closed)

I call that bold talk
from an internet autism
( WormuIus, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 14:28, closed)

Plausable enough I guess...
Still sounds like a "I had sex once!" boast though. True or not it's a bit ummm... pathetic?
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 14:35, closed)

.
I'm pretty sure I'm not the only person who has engaged in smutty behaviour in a public place.

It's just a vaguely amusing story. Or at least it was supposed to be. It's not the worst I've read on QOTW.
( Not Pineapple anymore, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 14:39, closed)

I also thought it was quite amusing
and this is meant to be about confessions, right?
( nivoser tangos with the devil, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 14:43, closed)

RIP the Oriel
On an entirely non-sexual note, I was most disappointed on my last visit t'Smoke to discover the Oriel had shut down. Those of you wishing to relive or imitate this lunch had better go to the Botanist opposite, which is definitely one of the most expensive places in the area, but at least the service is good, it is busy, and they have long tablecloths to cover the deed!
(Classic Ray, Sat 28 Aug 2010, 5:32, closed)

I've just imitated the true happenings in this lunch by sitting at home in my pants, eating a sandwich.
Alone.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sun 29 Aug 2010, 14:41, closed)

I just imagined that being said with the voice of Clive from "Monkey Dust.
'and that's what really happened'
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sat 28 Aug 2010, 10:52, closed)

That's the plot of the A-Team, series 3, episode 5, Clive.
Where have you REALLY been for the last 3 days?

"I lost a bet in a dockside bar and I've been tag-fucked by Russian sailors"
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 30 Aug 2010, 10:12, closed)

( mr.dogshit The world's premier anthropomorphic canine faeces, Sat 28 Aug 2010, 16:07, closed)

I think this
was an episode of Mad Men
(meepmeep is, Sat 28 Aug 2010, 17:18, closed)