It's not all bad
I didn't, for example con/rob a caff near my gaff (see what I did there?) of a quid when the fish-wife behind the counter gave me a quid too much in change.

Granted, I'll rob most people, but there is something about a haggered old bint in a tabbard........ I don't know what it is... oh, yeah, I do. She's about to ask her mate to cook me the monster breakfast, 2 sausage, 3 bacon, 2 eggs, fried bread, toast, black pudding, hash brown, beans, tomatoes and of course, that crucial breakfast article.... CHIPS!

I think that if this didn't come with a free tea or coffee I'd have probably kept that quid.

As it happens,I had a coffee - even though I can't stand coffee (I love me tea!) as it was 20p more expensive as a single item on the menu.

As always happens, I left at least half of the breakfast uneaten, I just feel like more of a man ordering the biggest breakfast they do. :-(

I ought to get out more, a happy relationship might help, rather than the farce of a marriage I'm in.

Mullered.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 21 Oct 2007, 21:38, Reply)

naughty fake prozzies!
i went to a pub with a friend of mine once, many years ago. i had no idea what kind of place it was till i got there.
it was a prostitute's bar.
i really, really didn't want to be there, but she was paying, so i stayed.
before long, 2 really ugly guys came over and started chatting us up(or so i thought). they bought us many drinks and, after a while, they seemed less vom-inducing than i'd first thought. suddenly, my mate asks me to get her some tissue from the ladie's loo. when i came back, she was deep in conversation with the ugmo twins, but stopped talking once i got there. i was a bit annoyed by this, but didn't really think much of it.
more drinks happened.
eventually, captain ugly and the boy putrid both needed to pee, so we were left alone for a couple of minutes. my friend uses this time to whisper at me "i'm not touching these two!" i agreed that i didn't plan on letting either of them wash his winky in my kitchen sinky, either. "i've got a plan" says she, "when i tap your leg, go to the loo and stay there until i come and get you." i was about to ask for more details, but unfortunately, the brothers grim had returned.
i waited for about half an hour, when suddenly, a size 7 stiletto shoe whacked me in the shin. realising that this was the "tap" i'd been waiting for, i made my excuses and hobbled off to the bogs.
after about 20 minutes, my friend arrived. "stay close and do what i say" she whispers. we begin walking back towards the bar but, as we passed the front door, my friend yelled "RUN!" and proceeded to do so. i had no idea what she was up to, but i followed her out of the door and down the street. we'd only gone about 150 yards before we heard our erstwile escorts chasing us. fortunately, a black cab was passing, so we flagged it down and jumped in, speeding off before they could catch us up. trying to get my breath back, i stared at my friend, who was almost hysterical with laughter. i demanded to know what was so funny, and the truth came out.
our drinking companions had thought we were prostitutes. i can understand it with her, but i do not look like a prozzie! anyway, when she sent me for tissue, she had negotiated a price for a "date" with the both of us. they had paid upfront. having no intentions of doing what she'd been paid to do(and knowing that i would want no part in it), she waited until i'd been in the loo for 20 minutes, then volunteered to come looking for me, thus facilitating our escape.
she'd ripped the poor buggers off to the tune of £150.
i didn't know which offended me most, her offering me up as a buyable shag, or the fact that she'd only asked £75 each. talk about cheap.

length? 14 years and i still feel guilty.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sun 21 Oct 2007, 21:19, 3 replies)

asda.
Back in 2000 I brought a dvd player from asda for about £100. A year or so later they had a cheaper model with mp3 support. I took the player back claiming it was skipping all the time. The result: Better dvd player and £20 profit. A year later I did the same trick because the other players tray was sticking very slightly. Another £20 profit (price had fell again), score.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Sun 21 Oct 2007, 20:20, 1 reply)

Curry's
I can remember when I was younger, my dad bought me a portable cd player which came with portable speakers. Was so chuffed but the cd player soon broke so we went to return it. Being honest, I returned everything in the box. When we got back to the car, my dad asked me if I'd kept the speakers as they didn't check the box. When I said no, he returned to the shop (Curry's I think) and claimed he'd left something in the box. The bloke on the desk led him to the store room to look for it and sneaky sneaky, my dad took the speakers out the box and returned them to me as a 'free' gift! Not his problem if they didn't check the box and didn't question my dad walking out with 2 speakers in his hands!
What a con! What a dad! :)

*first post virgin
(Something funny, Sun 21 Oct 2007, 20:17, Reply)

rachelswipe reminded me
Of a story my cousin told me of when he went down to London. He had booked some tickets for him and his mates at one of the big night clubs (don't ask me which one, I have no idea). He said he waltzed in there, had a few bevvies and had the cravings for some Charlie. Obviously in places such as these, this can be easily requisitioned and he walked away from a deal £50 lighter with some prime Chalk

Or so he thought, when his mate tried snorting some, he said his lungs felt a bit odd, and then started bleeding from nose and mouth. He had just snorted crushed up glass

Don't do drugs kids
(The_Reaper, Sun 21 Oct 2007, 19:40, Reply)

Conned
I said I wouldn't cum in her mouth !

She was conned.
(kickstandrich last had sex with your mum/sister/wife/daughter on, Sun 21 Oct 2007, 19:36, 2 replies)

Grandma vs Grandad
My Grandad (God bless his scoundrel soul) was always on the make - after a few pence for his next pint of bitter. My dad recounts with a smile of disappointed admiration at the time Grandad broke open his Queen's Jubilee framed coins to spend down the Legion. But this next con was ingenious.

Back in the sixties, when my dad was a teen still living at home, my Granny would, in between her 'big shops' once a week, look in the larder, find they were low on food, and would ask Grandad to pick up a few tins of their usual fayre.

Grandad would come home some hours later, present Granny with a few supplies and she'd give him the few coins to reimburse.

This arrangement happened for a few weeks when the weather turned colder and my dad went out to the coalshed to fill the scuttle. Imagine his surprise (or not) when he also scooped up a tin of beans! Rummaging around, he found some corned beef, and some tomatoes. He took them in to show his mother, who promptly marked an X on each one with a pen and asked him to return them to the coal shed.

My Grandad returned from the pub, and brought with him...a tin of beans, one of corned beef, and one of tomatoes. Each marked with an X. Outstretching his palm to his wife, he was reimbursed not with coin but a whack round the head with a cast iron frying pan!
(Northern Lovely, Sun 21 Oct 2007, 19:19, 1 reply)

I just put Blades of Glory in
and for some reason, its playing Transformers.
(abignumber, Sun 21 Oct 2007, 18:23, 5 replies)

Big Issue (again)
I always bought (still buy) the big issue if i have spare change, even through my skint student years.

So this one day, i get approached by a vender begging me to buy his last copy so that he could finish for the day. I only had 2 quid on me (on my way to buy some milk) but I figured this guy probably needed the 2 quid more then i needed my milk. So I handed over the money only to have the man ask if he could keep my money AND the last copy to sell again because he needed more money then he had copies to sell.

So flustered by the his cheekiness, i blurted "um yeh ok", turned around and wondered back home milkless and big issueless. It took me a full minute to realise he was probably conning everyone with this 'last copy' scam, but by the time i returned to where he was, he had gone.

I actually really wanted to read that week's issue as well. And i couldn't even have a cup of tea to console myself 'cause tea without milk is just plain disgusting.

:'(
(it's not hash mixed drops, Sun 21 Oct 2007, 16:38, Reply)

one of many. i'm too bloody trusting.
Years ago i was in Victoria station, meeting up with my grandparents who i hadn't seen in a couple of years. As they had not seen my parents or siblings for quiet sometime as well, i obliged by taking out my brand new (birthday pressie) digital camera to show them pictures of said family members.

All of a sudden we were approached by a very distraught looking girl, around about my age at that time (15/16) who asked if she could stand with us for a little while, as she had just run away from an argument with her boyfriend and she was scared he would violently come after her. Being good samaritans, we said of course she could join us and we all sat down, repeatedly asking her what we could do, what her boyfriend looked like, was she ok etc.

After about 5 minutes she abruptly stood up and rushed off mumbling "ive gotta go". It didn't look like there was anything else we could do as she disapeared from sight pretty quickly, so we continued on our way home. Sitting on the train i searched in my bag for my camara to continue where i had left off, only to find out, yep you've guessed it, the little bitch had stolen my brand new camera.

Bitch.
(it's not hash mixed drops, Sun 21 Oct 2007, 16:17, Reply)

foam party
"bad old johnny b managed to score from that black dude at the station," the bedshitter crooned loudly, waking me up. he crashed onto his bedroom floor and looked up at me, blinking owlishly.

it was 4am. on a sunday night/monday morning. i had been fast asleep and hadn't even known he had gone out. i blinked back at him, huddling under the covers.

"oh go on, have a line and then we can have a fuck," he promised romantically, pouring an enormous mountain of suspiciously fluffy white powder onto his laminate flooring.

unseduced, unsurprisingly, i told him to fuck off and dived back under the covers, although it's not actually like me to turn down sex in the middle of the night... but something about the appearance of that shit made me keep one eye on him.

the bedshitter bent down and shoved a blood encrusted note into the pile. several enthusiastic sniffs later, he grinned and then immediately froze in horror.

"it burns, owwww!" he moaned, cannoning into the bathroom. i jumped out of bed and followed him. his eyes were streaming, his nose was red, and he was pulling his nostrils apart, trying frantically to flush water up them.

biting my lip so i didn't laugh hysterically as i wanted to, i wandered back over to the "charlie" and tasted it. i am no expert, but i am guessing he had snorted around a 1/4g of sherbert and baking powder.

he had bubbles and froth coming out of his nose for the rest of the night... hilarious.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 21 Oct 2007, 15:50, 2 replies)

In a hotel....
get a room with a two digit number...IE 74 when ordering a late night drink at the bar show them your key ring with the other number covered by your thumb so it looks like number 4...Then get drinks free all night...Only really works if bar staff are very busy...Other variant--If in room 9 charge to room 6...
(archstanton The gold is next to me....leave me be, Sun 21 Oct 2007, 14:39, Reply)

Scottish Pound Notes...
Are great...Go into a busy shop in England, pay for something with a Scottish pound note and bingo -:nine times out of ten they will give you change from a fiver...
(archstanton The gold is next to me....leave me be, Sun 21 Oct 2007, 14:34, 6 replies)

I live in Sheffield.
Which means if I haven't been mugged, shot, raped, flooded, stabbed, died of heart disease (worst afflicited city in the UK apparently) or had my house burgled, I'll be conned by the City Council for paying a tax which doesn't seem to do anything about the crap roads, the rise in gun crime or the decline in education standards.

I could be worse though! I could live in Liverpool! Look after yer car, mister?

/rant over.
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Sun 21 Oct 2007, 13:30, 1 reply)

Hospital car park
When my better half was giving birth I had no choice but to use the carpark. This is charged at £1 per hour!!(robbing fucks) upto a daily maximum of five pounds a day.

Having been there for 2 days my ticket was now going to cost me ten pounds.

I'm so worked up about the fact that you even have to PAY to park to go see your sick/dying/birthing loved ones that it's all I allegedly go on about whilst there.

But wait. On the ticket machine where you pay your fees and get an exit ticket I spy a sign. Lost tickets are charged at the full day rate of five pounds. Woo Hoo half price.

I press the buzzer and speak to the monkey on the other end.
'yes?'
'I've lost my ticket for the carpark'
'okay just go to the barrier and press the call button'
'cool'

I get there press the button, speak to the monkey again and teh barrier magically lifts in front of my eyes.

FREE

Woo Hoo

Apparantly I couldn't shut up about that either.
(never-right -getting it wrong since '78, Sun 21 Oct 2007, 12:36, Reply)

'shrooms, the grocer, and why they taste like shitake
We decided to play a prank on our friend Gene back in the college days. We were having a big get together for Halloween, and Gene would be late as he had to work.

Told him we'd managed to score some 'shrooms, but we'd save him some for when he got back.

He got back and was pleased to see we had in fact saved him a good portion. He duly ate them all, complaining all the while - "man these taste terrible!" - "oh they're supposed to!" -- later ... "are you guys feeling anything?" - "oh yeah we are w000 [cue chorus of giggling and sillyness by the assembled crew]"

We held off on telling him until he told us a half hour later that he was beginning to feel it, said they were strong, and asked us where we got them. "The grocery store you mong! Bahahahaha! If you need more they're just $5 a bag"
( teknikl, Sun 21 Oct 2007, 12:27, Reply)

Pop pap
In the early/ mid 1990s, a single was released with the refrain "If you buy this record your life will be better". Yeah, right.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Sun 21 Oct 2007, 12:17, 1 reply)

The ! Coolest ! Con ! Ever !
Oh how i remeber with such glee, that day when I at 15 years old bnought a packet of 10 Silkcut with a Tenner. Then saying it was a 20 and getting the extra change. Yay and Woo ! ..Straight down the beer shop for cider and thunderbird
(xewill is an M$paint purist, Sun 21 Oct 2007, 12:05, Reply)

I Fell For This One..

( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Sun 21 Oct 2007, 12:04, 2 replies)

Conned
By an international 'TV Replay' referee.

That WAS a try.






in my eyes anyway


then again tho I remain
(never-right -getting it wrong since '78, Sun 21 Oct 2007, 11:20, 8 replies)

The kind of car parks...
where they have the gate at the entrance/exit and you take a ticket as you enter, and then when you return to your car, you put the ticket in the machine and it tells you how much you owe, you pay it, then get your ticket back and put it in the machine to lift the boom gate on the way out.

ANYWAY...

The scam is you drive in, take a ticket, then go park for aslong as you like.
When you return (by foot) to your car, at the entrance of the car part take another ticket. (The have gaurds, but they are hardly vigilant) Use the second ticket in the boom gate as you leave, and it will let you through for free, as if you came in, but decided not to park after all/as if there were no spaces left.
(woo who?, Sun 21 Oct 2007, 9:12, 1 reply)

I don't have any stories that relate to this question
neither does anyone at my Amway group.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 21 Oct 2007, 6:31, 1 reply)

808 State
Back in the day, i was down in Madchester to see 808 State at the G-Mex, supported by the flaccid Utah Saints. After a few in Dry we headed down, ticketless, but hopeful.

On arrival a few touts proffered some £50 tickets which were well beyond my meagre budget. Me and mate shuffled about a bit up and soon enough this guy and his bird had a ticket for sale, i saw them first, i had the ticket. £15.

My mate was gutted,. However i was concerned about the lack of a 'stub' on the ticket i was about to buy for £15. he insisted it was fine and that was the way the ticket was when he bought it. i was under some mild pressure, i could hear the bass and feel the riddims emenating from within. I agreed, we exchanged paper.

I said to my mate that it was time i went inside, with my ticket. and that he should hang around and wait for a similar transaction.

i speed off to the door, clutchin my circumcised ticket. I had been to a fair few gigs before and had always had a stub of some description...

Sure enough, the ticket i had was invalid, no stub. The cunt must have gotten hold of a useless used ticket and sold it to me.

Shattered, i headed back to my mate who was in the process of buying a stubbed ticket for face value....

So off he trots with an actual ticket, explains to me that its the right thing to do, the same conversation i had had with him not 4 minutes before.

He gets in.

I, was standing outside, thinking about how to get back to my mates flat but not wanting to go, but not having anymore money to buy another ticket, when all of a sudden these 2 yardie rasta types push open the gmex fire doors, in the bar area on the left hand side. So quickly that the folk who where sitting with their back on the doors simply fell back onto the paving stones outside.

Within 5 seconds i was in the g-mex, absorbed into the crowd in the bar, me and about 14 others. It was mental, folk just jetted towards this, momentary tear in the g-mex security.

I arrive in a corridor mixing with folk who are just in the door. I see mate coming towards me, he cant quite believe how i can be in, in front of him. Neiher could i.

Gig was mediocre, i seem to think bjork was on stage as well, not so bad.

Wen't back to the flat and my mate who worked in manchester had bought a sheet of purple ohms he thought were duds. He took three and i took two.

We listened to Ex:El for about 10 hours on repeat. No duds.

A strange night, and that was the last time i remember being blatantly robbed.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Sun 21 Oct 2007, 3:53, 1 reply)

How to Half your mobile phone bill.
Every year, I phone my mobile phone provider to enquire about an upgrade - which I have no intention in taking as I'd rather get £100 on my account. I usually ask for an expensive model which is being offered to "New" customers, and they always reply, "that's not on offer for upgrade". I say I'll go and have a think about it.

Few days later, phone again and say I'd like to end my contract as well, I'm not happy about the restriction of new handsets and another provider is giving much better deals and I think it's disgusting that there is no provision for customer loyalty and I can get get it much cheaper elsewhere.

This is the crunch time, I get my contract price halved and £100 credit on my account.

My mobile effectively costs me £20 a year, and they thank me for this.

Aiming to eventually get them to pay me for using my mobile.
(bazboy69 making it up as he goes along, Sun 21 Oct 2007, 3:17, 1 reply)

An unintentional con
I've always been a massive fan of Derren Brown, and after hearing he had brought out a book I rushed out to buy it. Don't worry, this isn't a predictable 'I paid £x for it - what a con!' type of post. It was actually pretty good. Although I was gutted to find there were no instructions for mind-control techniques. My plans for world domination had to be put on hold as a result.

Anyway, the book taught me many things, among them an easy yet impressive card trick. So, on my next pub trip I made sure to take a deck of cards with me.

After a few rounds of drinks, everyone was at the right level of drunkiness to fully appreciate my Mad Magic Skillz(tm). So I produced the deck of cards, no doubt with a drunken flourish, and asked for a volunteer.

My mate Scott stepped up to the mark. Now Scott's a great guy, but he ain't the sharpest tool in the box. This is a guy that managed to split his head open by falling up the stairs. While sober. But I digress...

So I shuffle the cards, and tap them on the table, glancing at the bottom card as I do so. Let's say it was the four of diamonds. I then place the cards on the table and ask him to cut the deck anywhere he likes. He takes the top card, and, like all good card tricks, I tell him to show everyone his card, making sure I can't see it. As he does this, I pick up the two piles, making sure the pile with the four of diamonds on the bottom is in my right hand.

Here's the clever part - he places his card onto the pile in my left hand and I put the right hand pile on top, so his card is right after the four of diamonds.

For added effect, I get him to shuffle the cards. Now when most people shuffle, the cards don't really get that mixed up, and to make sure I ask for them back after only a few shuffles.

Then, I begin to deal the cards onto the table one by one, looking him in the eyes the whole time. In my peripheral vision I notice the four of diamonds being dealt, and continue to deal the cards. After four or five more, I stop, and say, "Now, I'm willing to bet you that the next card I turn over will be your card."

He looks down, slightly confused, then a broad grin creeps across his face. "Okay then, I bet you a fiver it isn't."

I'm slightly taken aback - I hadn't set out to fleece him. He obviously thinks this is easy money, the fool. So I try and scare him off. "Tell you what, let's make it a tenner."

If his grin gets any wider, his head might fall off. "You're on!" he says, and actually rubs his hand together, still thinking he's onto a winner.

I shrug, look him in the eye, then reach down to the table and turn the Jack of clubs onto it's back - his card. The grin is wiped off his face in an instant as he sits motionless, staring at his card lying face down. Then the whole table bursts into laughter.

As I'm not an evil person, I use the tenner to get the next round in. After a few more drinks, I am finally persuaded to show them how it works.

The best part is, he tried to show it to his brother the next day and ended up ballsing it up, costing him another tenner.

Some people just shouldn't be allowed to breed...
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Sun 21 Oct 2007, 3:14, Reply)

I am slightly ashamed of this
Once, when I was 6, I told my 4 year old sister I was dying, so she would give me my birthday present early.

(I was a lot more evil in those days)
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Sun 21 Oct 2007, 1:49, 1 reply)

Yeah, it's another image. Screw you.

(Uhmfhshhghd, Sun 21 Oct 2007, 1:35, 3 replies)