I have found
that no one is particularly impressed by the statement that actually it's ephebophila not paedophilia.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Fri 13 May 2011, 13:39, 9 replies)

Disgusting myself....
One afternoon at work our manager gathered us together to inform us of some bad news. R's wife who hd been about 8 weeks pregnant had lost their baby. I thought I said it in my head 'has she checked the back of their sofa'. Apparently not. No-one was angry just dissapointed.
(Bababoon, Fri 13 May 2011, 13:34, 7 replies)

So she was beautiful, sophisticated, and had hinted that she was really quite open-minded.
As we stared from the balcony across the evening city lights, she asked in a voice like velvet "What do you fancy doing now?", twirling the glass of champagne in her hand casually.

"Well, killing you, raping your corpse and skinning you for a suit might be fun" I said.

*cringe!*
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 13 May 2011, 13:31, 5 replies)

Same story as the others....
I came into the office and my colleague was rather glum. So I asked who died. He looked at me forlornly and said "My mum". Obviously I was feeling a bit awkward at that point and he let me stew in my guilt for a while before a shit eating grin spread across his face and he said, "haha, tricked you! My mum isn't dead. It's my nan!!".

Turns out his nan was dead. Funniest person I ever met.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Fri 13 May 2011, 13:29, 2 replies)

Somebody I know is the most boring and lonely human being on planet earth.
I'm sat waiting for something to happen with my PSP fired up, playing a game. A colleague walks over and goes "Oh, I just got a PSP. I've ben playing Ridge Racer", and we discuss the merits of that game. Another colleague walks over and says she's been borrowing her boyfriend's PSP, but she prefers her Nintendo. We all start discussing what systems we prefer to play.

Most boring and lonely human being on the planet walks over, says "Why are you playing games. That's sad. I prefer to socialise."

All conversation ceases. Awkward silence while everybody resists the urge to say "FUCK OFF"
( Kung_Fu_Russ ran out of amusing signatures on, Fri 13 May 2011, 13:26, 7 replies)

Teachers
Back in the days of my sixth-form history class we had a supply teacher for half of our final A-level year. (The original one resigned after an incident involving a year 10's mobile being thrown out of the 4th floor classroom window.)

He was a Brummie, Mr Whyte, and in hindsight he was probably younger than I am now (mid-20s, cheeky buggers). Nice bloke and, being in Kent, his accent was the source of much amusement. He also hadn't quite got the hang of the teacher-student relationship yet - not in that way! Stuff along the lines of not turning up one morning after going out on the piss with the head rugby coach the night before (and telling us all while reeking of booze that afternoon), and buying us beer on the train coming back from a field trip etc.

One moment still sticks in my memory to this day. We were sat in class when out of nowhere he started laughing to himself.

"Sir, sir! What's so funny?"

"Doesn't matter. Get on with your work"

A couple of minutes go by and he starts laughing to himself again.

"Come on sir, what's so funny?"

Realising that we weren't going to get anything else done otherwise he sighed and explained.

"Right, last night I was in the pub with some of the other teachers and out of absolutely nowhere Mr F (rugger buggeresque Physics teacher) asked Miss K (fit for a boys school, probably not that striking in other surroundings, English teacher) 'So K, what's the biggest cock you've ever had?'. She looked thoughtful for a bit and then said 'Length or girth?'"

By this point he was in convulsions of mirth, tears were streaming down his face and he could barely get the words out. Gradually he realised that there was now deathly silence in the room as fifteen 17/18 year olds were all looking at him (some admittedly cross-legged) with various expressions of awkwardness on their faces.

He regained his composure and the lesson was concluded in a most unnatural stillness. The incident was never referred to again. I never did find out what the size of the biggest cock Miss K had ever had was. Length or girth.
(Milo Minderbinder, Fri 13 May 2011, 13:02, Reply)

"Hi I'm a /talker on b3ta"
Oh, you mean real life conversations as opposed to on-screen rubbish. Well, that'll never be said as /talkers don't ever have real life face to face conversations.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Fri 13 May 2011, 12:54, 9 replies)

Vicar's wife
My dad answered the door, it was the vicar's wife who had a son who was at the scout troop my parent's helped to run. She was just about to ask whatever question it was that she came round for when the dog started frantically sniffing her trousers.

"oh she must be able to smell my pussy" she innocently blurted.

silence... apart from the thunder of my feet stomping up the stairs and the slamming of my door as I threw myself into my room and cried with laughter.

it was a good 10 mins before my dad could extricate himself from the situation and join in the uncontrollable giggles with me.
(Ross McBingobangobongo bingobangobongo, Fri 13 May 2011, 12:44, 1 reply)

'Educational' school trip to Barcalona
Thinking back to this excursion, the only thing even slightly related to Business Studies in the entire trip was a tour around the SEAT factory to see the production process, and all i can remember from that was the bickering over which nation drive on the right side of the road.

The rest of the time was generally spent drinking with the resulting memories a wee bit hazy.
At one particular point, me and a female 6th former took a breather from going from location A to B down Las Rambla and had a sit down next to an old Spanish bloke that we wouldn’t have gone anywhere near if we were sober, not much room so the lass had sat on my knee. He started talking to us in Spanish and finding the language barrier funny I replied in a mix of English and Czech. For a few munities We had a nonsense conversation with the Spaniard that seemed pretty funny until he realised he wasn’t getting through and started miming out his intentions to buy the girl off me, take her to a disco and then do something very crude.

I was still clueless tho she wasn’t as her face fell to one of disgust and dragged me away, Don’t think she was too happy for being mistaken as a prostitute.
It wasn’t until sometime later I twigged why the chat had been abruptly cut off, and I’ve only just now while typing it out related it with prostitution, not just a daft old twit trying to buy someone
Makes me feel like I’ve lived a clueless, sheltered life... No. actually, it just makes me feel stupid
(MaxZero ZeroMax, Fri 13 May 2011, 12:40, Reply)

So I'd just started my new job, and was chatting to a girl at Mrs Vagabond's birthday party
and we're back to the "saying something dickish, trying to be funny, and failing" territory.

"So you've just started your new job I understand" she opened with.

"Yes, but it's just a faceless, grey job in a faceless, grey company, working with faceless grey people" I replied. "But it was quite funny today, though - I was doing some filing, and accidentally filed some B-Run topsheets ... under the A-Runs! Hahahahahaha!"

"Right ... " she said, "I'm er ... just off for a pee." and took her drink with her.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 13 May 2011, 12:19, 2 replies)

Let me tell you about Bob...
...he was the master of the non-sequitur. I never figured him out. He had a proper job (as an estate agent) and could dress and feed himself. He seemed normal, but maybe lacked conventional social skills. In the pub, he'd hover next to a group of people in conversation, and at a suitable lull would throw in a question or statement that had nothing whatsoever to do with the current topic. Bob was too big and 'useful' to take the piss out of, but one of the regulars started to collect 'Bob-isms' for posperity.

A few examples:

"Are dolphins really mammals? You never see their tits"
"I wish I had antlers"
"I think I'm addicted to Immodium"
"So where will you be when World War Three kicks off?"

If you showed any sign of being on your own in the pub, he'd come up to you and stand uncomfortably close, eyeball to eyeball, and ask some deep question or offer a few words of wisdom. The one that sticks in my mind was:

Bob: "You know what, Mr Punch? When I get married, I'm going to really love my wife."

Me: "You're getting married? I didn't know you were even dating anyone..."

Bob: "Errr, no, I'm not. But when I do get married, I am going to really love my wife."

Me: "OK then. That's good."
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Fri 13 May 2011, 12:18, 2 replies)

What the...
So you're 'heading up' a meeting and you need to borrow a laptop off one of the attendees to be able to show everyone a website you've been working on. Now let's say the person whose laptop you borrowed has set google up to automatically display a list of the six most visited sites when they open their browser.

Imagine everyone's surprise when, on the 60-inch LCD display, the 15 or so attendees are suddenly presented with most visited sites including Gaydar and others around the same genre. Basically large penises everywhere.

Cue the silence and then the horror of then having to fumble around the thumbpad in an attempt to click a tiny little cross in a javascript popup window which appeared just above one of the large penises.

In an attempt to break the deafening silence someone speaks up. "GAYDAR???", at which point the aforementioned owner of the laptop lunges forward, grabs the computer and frantically announces "Yes, but not in work time". More silence and bemusement then follows.

Absolutely the weirdest meeting I've ever attended.
(ed-z, Fri 13 May 2011, 12:15, Reply)

Someone looked sad
who died I said?

Someone, they said.

Oh, I said.




There, now that one has been done we need never see it again.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 13 May 2011, 12:10, 3 replies)

Covo killer, ultimate foot in mouth?
One of the few periods where I've said something, only to one to vanish or just punch myself in the face.

While working a Sainsbury's a collegue came into work, a little early for his shift, with a face so glum and sad.

As you do I said what people always do for a laugh,

"who died?", with a slight grin on my face. My collegue was normally up for a laugh and was just normal banter, until he replied

"My dad"

I instantly wanted to dissapear, make harm upon myself for saying something so stupid.

In my defence what was he doing comming into work?

Turned out his dad had died of a heart attack in the night, but was so upset and depressed that he just wanted to get out the house (he still lived with his parents at the time), so came to work.

Are these stories suppose to be funny? *Shurg*
( retrofly How about a link to a picture of something funny.., Fri 13 May 2011, 11:58, 4 replies)

Nazi
When me and The Lovely Mrs Ring of Fire were visiting the US a friend of ours described her as ‘African American’ which was a giggle as she’s definitely not either. She is, however, most certainly black.

The first time my brother met her we went down my local for a Friday night experience. At one point I was return from the bogs, and I stopped off at the bar to help my brother. As we picked up the drinks and started to turn my bruv said, “So, when are you going to get yourself a proper white girlfriend then?” and we found ourselves face to face with The Lovely Mrs Ring of Fire and her sister, who’d also come to help with the drinks.

My brother looked like he was going shit, I plumped for silence and wide eyed innocence as the best approach. Took a while for the atmosphere to recover from that one.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Fri 13 May 2011, 11:57, 2 replies)

One night
I walked into the pub I frequented regularly one night many moons ago, spied my mates and walked over.

"Hello" says I.

Silence.

Went to bar and bought a drink.
(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Fri 13 May 2011, 11:41, Reply)

The school assembly
I think the intention was good, when the headmaster introduced the WWII veteram and survivor of the Japanese POW camp as a reminder that we must never forget the sacrifices made on our part. And the awed silence that fell upon us as he told his tale would certainly have stuck in the memory for a long long time, had it not been ended with the phrase 'Obviously, I still can't stand the Japanese, evil little people'

Which probably would have been bad enough and stunned us all to silence for a moment, but after the headmaster recovered his composure and asked us for questions, one of the sixth formers started an eloquent question about whether it was acceptable to dismiss an entire nationality on the basis of the behaviour of a select group of individuals a long time ago.

Our guest bluntly stated 'yes, and if it happened to you you would feel the same' and in a cowardly attempt not offend him, the headmaster long windedly and circuitously somehow managed to agree that yes, this was accetable. At which point, the usually quiet Nigel from my year stood up, pointed at the Jewish music teacher and yelled 'That's why I hate him for killing Christ'.

Conversation, assembly and all thoughts of Nigel as the harmless shy boy were killed stone dead.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 13 May 2011, 11:27, 6 replies)

While instructing Mrs Vagabond recently on what a lucky woman she is to have me, as I reached a particularly salient, lucid, almost poetic turn in describing my wonderfulness, I realised
She'd left the room to go and watch television.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 13 May 2011, 11:12, Reply)

My dead mother-in-law
my wife's mother died 11 years or so ago. She had cancer, all very tragic, blah blah blah.

What was a good giggle for my missus for a good while after her mother shuffled off this mortal coil was when sales people rang the house, looking for the dearly departed.

The conversation would normally go:
Sales person : "Hi, can I speak to Mrs. xxx?"
Wifey: "Sure,, but you'll need a shovel"
Sales person "Eh? Why?"
Wifey "She's dead"
Sales person "..."
(ScousersPet, Fri 13 May 2011, 11:09, 2 replies)

Plus three lightening attack to all locations
Many, many moons ago, I did a really rubbish IT apprenticeship that I eventually got sacked from. There were about 25 of us IT apprentices. The everage age of just about everyone on the course was 17. in fact, 23 of them fell were 16, 17 or 18. Except for me and one other. I was 23, the other bloke was pushing 25. It's amazing how immature you find teenagers when you're in your early-mid twenties, so me and the other older bloke kinda gravitated together - not least because we were the only ones who actually wanted to be there or pass the college course.

Anyway, the poi nt of this post - the other bloke was a LARPer. I don't have a problem with this, I play far too much in the way of computer games and frequented Games Workshop in those days. Howevere, this bloke was utterly obsessed with LARPing and I do mean UTTERLY obsessed, there was nothing else he would ever talk about. Ever.

So he was The King Of The Conversation Killers. No meatter what we were talking about, he could kill the conversation stone dead with a few choice sentences.

For example, one lunchtime, we were all debating whether the Nova SRi or the Fiesta XR2i was the better car. In an ever so slight pause in the heated debate, LARPer chimes in with "I found a new weapon last night that does plus three lightening attacks to all locations". Silence followed.
(ScousersPet, Fri 13 May 2011, 11:02, 5 replies)

Weddings
I was at a wedding last weekend. Drunkenly chatting to the groom's mother and to a random Merkin, I asked my American acquaintance how long they'd stayed in the bar the previous evening.

"Until 4am", he replied "We were double-fisting"^*
"You must have a bleeding anus" I spluttered back at him, without thinking

And then the rest of the evening is lost in a fuggy-haze and the next thing I know it's many hours later and I'm attempting a Russian cossack dance in the gazebo outside.

I love weddings.

^* Apparently something to do with knocking back drinks
( rofl harris, Fri 13 May 2011, 11:01, 7 replies)

Last night I'd just finished the book Legion by Dan Abnett
Overcome by its climax, I turned to the missus and started to say, "Oh, that was brilliant! The Cabal contacted the Alpha Legion and showed them the future - if they stayed loyal and sided with the Emperor then humanity would spend the next 30,000 years slowly descending into Chaos, but if they rebelled against the Emperor then humanity would be wiped out utterly, thus depriving Chaos of its victory...but of course as we know, they do rebel against the Emperor and the bad future happens anyway! Man, it's all so tragic!"

...by which point I was alone in the room.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 13 May 2011, 10:56, 13 replies)

In a restaurant with a group of friends...
We were talking about restaurant scenes in films where a slo-mo sequence of a couple eating and exchanging meaningful looks is a prelude to a sex scene. My mate Jo (aka The Friendly Dolphin) was with his attractive but 'unhinged' girlfriend.

At a lull in the conversation she loudly proclaimed "There's nothing erotic in watching someone eat, I'm much more turned on by watching Jo taking a shit."

Cue a prolonged silence and most of the diners in the whole place frozen with a fork almost in their mouth.
(Barnetboy, Fri 13 May 2011, 10:55, 1 reply)

So - back to my public school days:
My mother taught at the school (it's how I got in - I'm a Prod, and it was a Catlick school, and she bust balls).

My mother and I had an agreement that she would have absolutely nothing to do with me other than teaching, and certainly any trouble I got in to was strictly my own affair.

She was my mum, though, and at the beginning of Michaelmas was happy to come 'round and collect me and my luggage for the term - my suitcase, books etc.

A week later, and I was sitting at lunch with the boys, and the New Kid was with us. He was a long, lanky, very ginger lad, and he'd found a couple of mates and was starting to feel comfortable and confident.

As we ate, he started a conversation: "Hey I'll tell you what, lads - Mrs Kirkwood, eh? She came into science today with a serious left-nipple erection, if you know what I mean!"

The table went quiet, and there were glances at me to check my reaction. I had an intrigued expression.

"Seriously, though - Mrs Kirkwood's alright, but she's pretty hard work - she's given us shit-loads to do and she won't let us off on any deadlines ... and I don't know why everyone goes on about her being fit I reckon she's well rough ... "

Gradually, he started to garner the silence of the table.

"What?" he asked, "What?"

"That's my mum." I said.

"Fuck off, you little prick - why is this guy being a prick?" he asked.

Slowly the table nodded their agreement with me, "Yes she is" said a couple of lads, backing me up.

...

It was just at that moment that my mum happened to come over to ask me whether or not I'd unpacked and whether she could take my suitcase home.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 13 May 2011, 10:54, 4 replies)

Should've guessed before I asked really...
I bumped into a friend in town outside the shoe cobblers one day, conversation goes a bit like this...

"What are you up to?" asks I
"Getting the heels fixed on my shoes" says she, and shows me the shoes
"Ahh, they're nice, where did you get them from?"
"They're the shoes my mum got married in"
"Oh, that's nice, why doesn't she want them anymore though?"
"Because she's dead"
(bomb, Fri 13 May 2011, 10:41, 2 replies)

I made a joke about a friend's mother dying.
He looked at me and said
"actually, that joke died a few pages ago."
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 13 May 2011, 10:35, 1 reply)

A friend's BBQ
A group of us had gathered one sunny afternoon for a BBQ at a friend's house.

One friend, who we shall call Debbie - who is genuinely lovely but can sometimes be a bit loud, was regaling someone with the latest health stories of a mutual friend.

Meanwhile our host announced that the food was ready. We all piled in and headed back outside to the large table, where we all sat down to eat.

Silence - well almost - fell upon us as we started to eat. My beautiful Aberdeen Angus burger had just commenced it's journey from my plate to my gob just as Debbie's story reached it's loud and poignant crescendo....

"Yes, so apparently her bowels just exploded".

Ew.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 13 May 2011, 10:28, 3 replies)

A mate of ours...
Was down the pub with us a while ago. He announced he was seeing this girl called Alice. We all knew Alice and she was of Asian origin. So after announcing he was going out with Alice another mate of mine pipes up, "So, can she shoot ping pong balls out of her pussy?".
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Fri 13 May 2011, 10:15, 8 replies)

A corpulent and oddly hirsute co-worker
and her husband had briefly been mentioned in a bit of post work pub banter when my mate Steve said in front of a table of about ten, 'I wonder what it's like to eat a mars bar from [corpulent and oddly hirsute co-worker]'s arse?'. Silence...
(jonhimself, Fri 13 May 2011, 10:07, 2 replies)

The drunken bloke sat down next to me, indicated the girl I was talking to, gave the horn sign and said "Phwoar! Your girlfriend's alright!"
"That's my sister."
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 13 May 2011, 9:55, 9 replies)