If people don't reply to these posts
Does it mean they've answered the qotw properly?
(maggotriddendirtbox fast, feral and sharp as a tack since, Fri 13 May 2011, 22:13, 4 replies)

i was once
invited to some drinks with some of the senior folk from work. They decided to bring along some potential new clients too. All the drinks were paid for etc.

Anyway, one of the clients starts telling dirty jokes, everyone is laughing at them so he ups the anti - with each joke dirtier than the last.

There we were standing in a circle in our suits, about 8 of us. We were now up to the level of paraplegics being spaffed in the face, when i decide to tell a joke.

Every one hushed- even saying stuff like - "hey DAN has got a joke, shhh, lets hear it, it can't be dirtier than the last, no way"

so I begin.

MAn in a bar says to another man, "I can have any girl in here if I want"
"really ?" says the second man "hows that?"

"because im a rapist"

At that point there was noises of "oooohhh" and "ooooof" at that point everyone decided that they either needed the toilet, needed to make an urgent phone call, or get another pint.

I stood there as the circle dispanded with the look of WTF strewn across my face.


"
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Fri 13 May 2011, 21:31, 1 reply)

Dinner party snobbery.
When I was young and first married, my then husband and myself were invited to a dinner party. The host and hostess were fine, but the other couple were stuck-up pains in the rear. They had been everywhere, done everything, and did a good job of making the rest of us feel inadequate. The discussion turned to the antiques this couple owned, and in particular to an antique globe-of-the-world they'd recently purchased. The wife went on at length about the globe, where she had bought it, how much she paid for it and what a wonderful addition it made to their lovely dinning room. At this point I was pretty much sick of their bragging and decided to add a few comments of my own. "Well we have an antique globe too, " I said. "In fact, it's so old..it's flat."

Well that shut her up!
(Woofie, Fri 13 May 2011, 21:01, 4 replies)

Not me but a friend
Her friend (lose connection I know...) was in a bar and had gotten lucky. Pressing his new found lady friend up against a wall he was engaging in some passionate tongue tango. For reasons that I don't understand, he then pulled away and said "Urrrgh, you kiss like my mum".

Apparently, this was not a good thing to say though, if it was true, that was probably best for everyone.
(Robin of the Hood isn't into the whole brevity thing, Fri 13 May 2011, 20:59, 2 replies)

Another nose stud stopper
Blonde(!)student turns up at college one morning with a newly fitted nose stud. Wittily I ask "doesn't it chip your nail varnish when you pick your nose?" Her totally serious riposte was " I don't wear nail varnish . . ."
(The Jannie, Fri 13 May 2011, 20:02, Reply)

This never happened
I was interviewing someone for a job once and the interviewee said 'I'm looking at 40+'.

'yes' I replied, 'the pornographic magazine if that erection is any indication'.

That was that conversation well and truly killed! But I gave him the job and now he's a top bank manager.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Fri 13 May 2011, 19:11, 2 replies)

back when I was at college...
I did the usual student thang of working for Maccie D's.
My colleague was a bit of a cunt, it has to be said.
After his break where he'd stuffed his face with more food than he was technically allowed moneywise, he came down and said to the assistant manager, Jan, "I've just eaten more McNuggets than Peter's got blackheads in his ears"

Peter and Jan had just got engaged after keeping their relationship quiet for work...
( Sallyrsm, Fri 13 May 2011, 18:21, Reply)

Swallows
The other day at work, the school dinner ladies were talking through their lunch break (when don't they) when we were talking about birds. Some one mentioned the swallows in the eaves.
A normally sedate 60 year old dinner lady suddenly blurted out between chewing her food, " I always spit and never swallow, its tastes so disgusting" put her head down and carried on eating leaving stunned fellow workers aghast!
(drewpy, Fri 13 May 2011, 18:11, 1 reply)

that reminds me
A mate of mine was in the honesty zone that can only come after a long night of boozing in the company of old friends.

"Dont you think it would be cool to shag a transexual?" he asked us."it would just be like a woman, but with a cock!"

"Uhm, like - a 'bloke' with tits?" we replied, starting to laugh.

Poor bastard, it must have sunk in as soon as he said it. After a week or so we had to stop teasing him about it as we thought he was gonna cry.

*edited for pedantry*
(EvilMeister, Fri 13 May 2011, 18:05, Reply)

We'll just leave it there then
I was drinking in a bar off Leicester Sq with some ex work colleagues.
After several pints I got into that happy place where you can talk to pretty much anyone who's there (or maybe I'm deluded and I turn into a weirdo guy who starts conversations with strangers).

Anyway, at some point in the night I got separated from my friends and started chatting to a Chinese girl at the bar. The conversation was light and amicable until she asked me what I wanted to be in life.
I replied with something suitably droll and asked her the same question.
"I just want to be accepted."
I thought this was a rather odd reply, until I realised that she did have rather large hands for a girl and, ahem, an adams apple.
Now I have nothing against transexuals at all, but my mind went completely blank. I had to say something as it was obvious I had realised what she meant.
In retrospect, I wish I had waited a moment until I'd thought of something kind or considerate.
Sadly, the result of an evenings drinking left me thinking it would be a good idea to be cheeky.
"So, do you still have a willy?"

Moody cow never did reply.
(EvilMeister, Fri 13 May 2011, 18:01, Reply)

jimmy_mann's post below reminded me of a less than suave moment a few years back.
This lass introduced herself as Portia. I loudly quipped, "What, like the car?!" (I'd been drinking for a couple of hours, it seemed funny at the time.)

She looked at me as if I'd just shat in her handbag, then neatly edited me out of the scene for the rest of the evening.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Fri 13 May 2011, 17:22, 4 replies)

That lass off CBeebies...
the one with one arm that ends at the elbow...
Anyway a mate of mine saw her at a train station trying to get her kid's pushchair down the stairs. He really likes her as his kids love her and he wanted an autograph for his rugrats...
So he went up to her and asked her if she needed a hand.

*facepalm*
( Sallyrsm, Fri 13 May 2011, 17:22, 9 replies)

In the vein of the sample WTF, my flatmates and I were at a bar
chatting away about girls and sex etc when one of them says "Yeah, having a butt plug in your arse is quite nice. It makes cumming way more intense."

He may be right, he may be (various kinds of) wrong, but it certainly killed that conversation.
(ElusiveCamel, Fri 13 May 2011, 17:17, 1 reply)

First impressions
At a party once in my younger days, when I thought I'd pluck up the courage to talk to the prettiest girl in the room.

"Hi, I'm Rob," I said.
"Hi, I'm Zilla," she replied.

I stood there for about 10 seconds feverishly thinking of something to say before blurting out:

"So Zilla, have you ever seen a film called Driller Killer?"

She gave me a look like she'd just trodden in dogshit, and wouldn't even be in the same room as me for the rest of the evening.
( Mr Mann I love pigs, best of all the animals, Fri 13 May 2011, 16:53, 3 replies)

Don't talk to pregnant women about abortions
they don't like it
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 13 May 2011, 16:19, 3 replies)

Wedding Balls
Groom: So, are you having a good time?

Me: Well I was, until your mum tried to shag me in the gift room...

Depressingly, this is a true story. She was about 60...
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Fri 13 May 2011, 15:59, 6 replies)

Nose stud blunder
At a 50th birthday party and fancying a woman I was in conversation with.
"You have a really lovely nose stud there"
Leaning forward to get a closer look it turned out to be a wart.
I got my coat.
(tonyhrx, Fri 13 May 2011, 15:45, Reply)

The best things in life
I was once sat with a group consisting of a mixture of good friends and more recent acquaintances having one of those rare, late night, drink-fuelled, emotional heart-to-heart conversations that stay printed on your brain forever.

The subject was simply, what is the happiest moment of your life. As we went round the group there were a variety of tear-welling, heart-affirming tales about love and family and friendship.

Then all eyes turned to a guy in the corner that no-one knew very well. He paused, cast down his eyes, shuffled his feet and looked thoughtful. This is going to be some story we all thought, silently.

He cleared his throat and said "well, I suppose it'd be the first time I took crack cocaine. Fucking awesome high".

And that was the end of that.
(MattDP (Squiggle), Fri 13 May 2011, 15:44, Reply)

Sitting at an indeterminably dull, posh dinner party with a friend.
The talk was all of how gifted Sarah is for a three year old, and how Jacob's started playing the flute.

My mate says to me across the table, "Vagabond - you were in a band - do you remember what you wanted to call your first album? What was it? Oh - that's right, 'Have a foetus', with a picture on the cover of a foetus in a teaspoon."

No one but us found the memory funny.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 13 May 2011, 15:39, 1 reply)

Not me but the old man.
He did an Open University degree when he was knocking on 50 years old, and part of this entailed a week of Summer school. So every night was basically out on the piss.
Anyway the first night out, he held the door open for one of the wimmin students, and got a long-winded lecture on his patronising, sexist, dated, foul rapist attitude. It really upset him, he was just doing what guys of a certain generation were brought up to do. Anyway for the rest of the week, almost none of the wimmin, and even some of the guys wouldn't speak to him.
It buggered the poor sod's week. Bastards.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Fri 13 May 2011, 15:17, 14 replies)

At a wedding recently
I was standing in a large group, and a friend said to a woman she'd met about 2 minutes before "yes the bride looks beautiful doesn't she? A bit of an upgrade on the groom's last girlfriend so I've heard!"

The look that everyone gave her made it clear that she was talking to the previous girlfriend. So, determined to save the situation, my friend said loudly:

"IF EVERYONE'S HEAD WAS A VEGETABLE, WHAT VEGETABLE WOULD THAT BE!?"
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Fri 13 May 2011, 15:13, 5 replies)

Speaking the truth
When I was in the military, a friend and I were at the NCO club consuming large amounts of whiskey when two lovely young ladies came in and sat at a table near us. We decided the cool thing to do would be to send drinks to them and see what happened. After the drinks were delivered, they called us over...Yay, us!

My friend, being from the Deep South, had a habit of calling all women "Ma'am". One of the young ladies took great offense at this for some reason and began berating him..."Don't call me ma'am, I hate being called ma'am, there is nothing I hate more than being called ma'am" and so on.

I looked at her and the whiskey told me to say, "Well he is from the south and it shows better manners than what they would use where I am from"

"Whats that?" she asks...

"Bitch"

Surprisingly, we didnt get laid that night
(SgtWilk, Fri 13 May 2011, 15:03, Reply)

A couple of years ago I was waiting in line for a club when 2 scantily clad teenage girls walked up to me
One started going on about how she's lost her purse and can't get into the club blah blah blah, maybe I could help her (cue playing with hair and fluterring eye lashes). I replied:

"You'd better start walking home then"
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Fri 13 May 2011, 14:55, 3 replies)

Not a topic of conversation but a person
Have you even been with a group of friends/acquaintainces, with one oddball in the fringes of that group? Freaky Tom was that oddball. During my MASSIVE DRUGS period in the post-graduating period of my life, my friends and I were all sharing crappy flats and working McJobs, or trying our best not to, while often ingesting large amounts of weed, the odd pill, vat of mushroom brew and etc. We had a pretty big social circle of about a dozen-twenty people, and we'd go round to each other's flats to smoke dope, making buckets, bongs, and bagpipes and generally getting shitfaced. (Groovy, huh?)

We often went round to my mate Stuart's flat, and he had two flatmates: Bill, a paranoid delusional who owned the flat and installed cameras in the hallway (for "security"), and who slept with a machete under his pillow, and Freaky Tom, who made Bill look normal. Freaky Tom was a programmer (inevitably), tall and skinny from hours hunched over his computer and existing on Coke and Doritos, who seemed to have zero social skills. He would come into Stuart's room, where a bunch of us would be monged out discussing the finer points of Stephen Hawking's black hole theory or singing Junglebook songs, but he would just stand in the corner, like a big awkward potted plant. Intially I felt sorry for the poor bastard, figuring he was just shy and needed a bit of coaxing, and would invite him into the room, away from the corner. But no, he'd decline and just stand there.

Okayy... After several attempts at friendliness, we eventually came to realise that he wasn't just shy, he was actually rather strange. When we went out to the local indie fleapit nightclub, he wouldn't come with us, but turned up later, alone; when dancing to the Stone Roses or whatever generic late-90s tunes, he would suddenly appear, which would the prompt for the girls to edge away, then everyone else to do so, one by one.

Later, he decided to re-arrange his bedroom. He moved his bed so it prevented the door from closing, and slept with his head at the door-end of the bed. Anyone passing by at night time (which was of course the kind of hours we were keeping), to go to the toilet or bravely venture into the doss of a kitchen, would see his head lying there, as though disembodied, looking as if it had just rolled there from a guillotine. If you passed by, he would open his eyes and say "Hello" - you can imagine how disconcerting that was, if you were massively stoned.

Afer that, any time he appeared, a dread silence descended; church bells tolled and wolves howled in the middle distance. And that is Freaky Tom the conversation killer. Wonder what he's doing now.
(McChinaman banned, Fri 13 May 2011, 14:55, Reply)

Miss Talkalot - not so much
I was quite a shy child and hadn't had much luck with the ladies yet, but in my head I was obviously a great Lothario but just hadn't had the chance. All I needed to do was have some conversations with some girls and they'd fall head over heels and my suspicions about my inner sex beast would be confirmed.

So at one of the school social events I got talking to a rather lovely, chatty girl who's nickname was 'Rabbit'. It seemed to be going fine until I asked her why she was called rabbit.

"is it because you've got big teeth?" I said (as I was a larger toothed tweenager myself it seemed an appropriate comment)

"No, it's because I talk a lot"

She didn't talk much after that though.
(zegatron, Fri 13 May 2011, 14:52, Reply)

I've just murdered David Bellamy.
Does that mean I'm a Conservation Killer?
(bekowsquap Was raptured on, Fri 13 May 2011, 14:23, 6 replies)

After a dull lecture
a few of us decided to grab a drink. One of the chaps on my course, Ryan, was a local lad and he suggested going to a boozer just outside of town.

Four us decided to join him and we stood propping up the bar loudly chatting student bollocks. After a couple of pints and old, dirty looking man came stumbling over from the depths of the pub. He looked us up and down and then stared directly at Ryan for what seemed like ages. Finally he spoke.

'I fucked your mother last night.' He stammered at poor Ryan. 'I fucked her good and proper, I fucking love your mother I do.'

Ryan didn't say anything, he just shifted his gaze and stared awkwardly at his shoes, the rest of us also stunned into silence.

'Your mother is the best fucking woman in the world,' the old man slurred, 'the best fucking shag I've ever had, I fucking love that old bird.'

Slowly Ryan stood up, he put his arm round the old man's shoulder and began to usher him away from the bar.

'Alright Dad,' said Ryan, 'I think you've had enough. Come on, I'll walk you home, Mum will be wondering where you are'.

And with that he slowly escorted the old man out he pub.

Fucking Northerners.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 13 May 2011, 14:18, 14 replies)

Hats & all.
An acquaintance of mine, FourBalls (now a pilot incidentally), was wandering through the School grounds many-a-year-ago when he espied a student bearing illicit head-gear - namely a beanie.

My School being what it was (very private and with an extremely strict uniform code) and FourBalls being what he was (an over-bearing, self-righteous Prefect) there was only one possible resolution to this state of affairs.

"What the fuck are you wearing that for? Have you got cancer or something??"

Cue the removing of said hat to reveal utter baldness caused by recent chemotherapy......
( Hunter Stockton was murdered by a bicycle wielding axolotl,.,.,.,., Fri 13 May 2011, 14:12, Reply)

Back when computers belonged only to geeks
ie around 1980, I was in the computer club at my college. Yes, I know, I might as well have been a train spotter.*

Anyway, one evening a group of us social misfits - overweight, spotty, bespectacled and wearing clothes chosen by our mothers - were working on our project, trying to write Space Invaders in TRS-80 Basic or whatever. But it wasn't working properly; something was wrong with the timing.

Suddenly, I realised what the problem was: we hadn't included the seconds variable in the equation. So, just as the teacher and deputy head walked into the room, I shouted out "We need secs!"


* I've always been afraid that people will realise just how sad and geeky I really am. I call it "anoraknophobia"
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Fri 13 May 2011, 14:11, 2 replies)

Surrounded by women
At a conference I once had the pleasure of chatting with a group composed entirely of nice young ladies, except for myself. It being a conference the drink was flowing freely and so eventually it came to my turn to get a round, so I went to the bar.

I arrived back just in time to hear one lady say to the assembled group that "it was lovely, except for the salty aftertaste" so naturally I assumed they were talking about oral sex and asked whether or not it was an entirely suitable subject for them to be broaching with a man they'd only met an hour before.

The stony silence that ensued was broken only by the commentator making the effort to explain from between tensed jaws that they'd been talking about Scandinavian liquorice sweets (salmiakk).

They all ignored me completely for the remaining three days of the event.
(MattDP (Squiggle), Fri 13 May 2011, 14:01, 4 replies)