my sister
will kill me if she finds out i posted this, but she was dating a chap in his late twenties when she was a mere seventeen. he was absolutely delightful to everyone in the family, and had our trust.
then he shagged her, after five months or so of courtship.
then he suddenly got very busy, and didn't have time for my poor, heartbroken, sis.
you know who you are. if i ever see you again, i'm going to do bad things to you for making my big sis cry.
( the brass moustache putting the ass moust in brache since, Tue 9 Dec 2008, 21:47, 1 reply)

A guy told me
the other day, he'd been having sex with my mum...

even took her up the bum a few times.

I said "I think you've had enough to drink now Dad!"

sorry for being slightly off topic but it tickled me
( slapdash flying through the cool clean air since, Tue 9 Dec 2008, 20:58, 3 replies)

sad but true
i had a thing fur older men when i was younger -when i was 14 my first proper boyfriend was 21, that lasted 3 an a half years. then there was some minor skirmishes and random funky rumbles and then, at 19, i hooked up with a 30 yr old and that lasted 13 years... until the shockin revelation hit me at 31
i've never shagged a teenager :-(
(lady macbez, Tue 9 Dec 2008, 20:39, 7 replies)

I met her atop Fleshfang Spire, my time machine having triggered a causality spike from my admittedly lackadaisical degaussing of the drive magnets, which
designated an arbitrary ejection point some 66,238,003 years
BC. As I stumbled from the delivery system, still unaware of my
surroundings, I managed - with a skip of the heart - to glimpse
something gleaming beautifully to my right. An ancient jewel? A crust
of particle resonance upon a shattered reaction chamber lamplet from
my machine?

No, 'twas the obsidian eye of my newly beloved.

Her face spoke of curiosity, illuminated by the cupric effulgence of
the brilliant caldera below. Orange light upon her green skin, she
was jet black, and I was unable to discern any details save for two
moist nostrils, and a panting tongue.

"Baroooo!" she bellowed, "Wannuuuurg-hoooo!"

Again my heart fluttered. What was this melodious sound?

"Choff-choff-nuueeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!" she beckoned me closer and OH!
how my fancies took flight.

She took my hand 'twixt her teeth, the delicate flesh of my armpit
tearing under the strain. The agony would have been unbearable, were
it not for the occasional ecstatic brush of my knee against her
leathery breastbone. I dangled happily and wondered as she galloped
through the thicket of gymnosperms...what plans might she have for
me?

She had children. This came as a surprise, but I was happy to meet
them. I could feel their little teeth gnashing and chomping at my
extremities as I writhed admidst oversized egg shells and oily piles
of excrement. Within minutes I had been entirely devoured save for an
eyeball and four hairs. My love raised her head to the sky, a hellish
and beautiful scream of triumph emanating from her resonating sinuses,
as if to challenge the gods themselves.

And, though dead, I dreamt many a dream that night, my spirits lifted
by the warmth of dinosaur kisses and time machine dreams.

THE END.
( Digeridude Lord Wellington's Beef Trapeze, Tue 9 Dec 2008, 20:12, 4 replies)

My wife...
I'm 25 and shes 20, we met when she was 17! I forget how old that makes me!

it didn't seam to bother anybody..not even her parents, not saying its a huge gap or anything, nor was I seeing her for the kicks of seeing a 17 year old gives (Lots of fuzzy felt, stacks of lego and crazily balanced hormones women have at this age)..

But someone could of said something! not even an angry mob...gutted.

strange thing is I met her in the middle of a field.
(zenzeypher, Tue 9 Dec 2008, 19:48, 4 replies)

Second post
Ok, this is my second post on this subject. I've just remembered that my current beau is EIGHT years younger than me, being 19 years old. To me, the age gap is irrelevant because she's relatively mature, a good laugh and v good looking. It's only when I realised the fact that when I was starting University she was still in fucking PRIMARY SCHOOL that the age gap starts slapping me about the face and yelling "what the hell are you doing, you paedo!"

We're both bona fide adults tho so it's alright.
(BeardyMat, Tue 9 Dec 2008, 19:41, 2 replies)

Not me but a friend...
Hello! Years-long lurker, first time poster, so be gentle...
We had a house party at my mate's house a while back where his mum and friend came back pretty late in the evening, nicely pissed.
Her friend as very lovely for a 50+ year old, and my mate took it upon himself to pull her. Mission was wholly successful (especially for a dude who was just 18.
We found out the next day she had three kids and a husband. Good times.
(I also woke up in my mate's mum's bed. But I don't think anything happened.)
(I hope)
(Affero-Dolor made noodles using a cuppa soup on, Tue 9 Dec 2008, 19:08, 1 reply)

My 22 year-old daughter
is engaged to a bloke of 30. This doesn't worry me, but the fact that she's 5'0" and he's 6'5" does, a little.

When they argue he picks her up and places her on the nearest work surface or table and walks off.

He's a lovely bloke though and I'm sure she has the situation under control.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Tue 9 Dec 2008, 19:04, 5 replies)

I met this guy through my sister
He used to buy my sister ANYTHING she wanted, you name it, he bought it in the hope she'd like it. New phones, glamorous nights out, everything.

One of the first things he said to me was 'I have a LOT of money!'

When my sister 'dumped' him (she never shagged him), he rang me up, asked if he could talk. Took me to a countryside pub, told me to get anything I wanted, so I did. Went back to his mansion in the middle of nowhere. Sorry, did I say mansion? It was a terraced house in Eston.

He'd been trying to get into my sister's knickers by making himself bankrupt, it seems.

And no, I didn't shag him.
( Methylene Blue - electrohead, Tue 9 Dec 2008, 18:59, 3 replies)

so i'm rollin with my sk8tr boi's down the park when this middle aged type lady walks up to me( you know the type, powersuit powershoes powerbun) we're listening to MXPX and its late, but what of it
she's all like "TURN DOWN THAT NOISE" but then i power slide all up in her face and be like 'gimme some sunny d bitch' and she knows whats up, i tell her

"you dont fuck with the skate-punks son its like animal houseup in here"

any way i invite her back to my house she agrees and we were listenen to that new FACTION album i while im totally bustin' 360's and telling my mum to fuck off

then we do it

hifives, nay?
(hot white cum, YEAH! i will show you 0wnage in a handful of posts, Tue 9 Dec 2008, 18:46, 9 replies)

Kinda relevant....
My grandparents had a 13 year age gap. Not bad considering it was the 1940s.

The only everso slightly odd thing about it was that 10 days before the wedding my nan turned 17....and 10 days after the wedding my grandad turned 30. Five months after the wedding my uncle was born (shotgun, anyone?)

The marriage lasted 60 years so the age difference couldn't have bothered them that much.
(ninja chinchilla, Tue 9 Dec 2008, 18:34, Reply)

a very sorry attempt at being a slag
I had recently broken up with long term boyfriend and had, somewhat reluctantly (it was cold, I was comfy on my sofa and could just as easily get drunk at home) gone out to a colleagues leaving do. Said colleague did a rather sexy dance, I figured that I may as well embrace the dream and be a bit of a slag and take him home with me. No problem I think. He is way too old for me (16 years my senior) this wont develop into anything serious.... fast forward two years to now. We have a small daughter and are getting married in May! The conclusion I have come to is that I am a rubbish slag...
(birdwoman pissed herself at least once on, Tue 9 Dec 2008, 18:06, 1 reply)

My wife...
...first met her when she was about 15 - she was my mates sister. I didn't really notice her until she matured into a lovely 20 year old which was when we started dating.
I'm 7 years older than her and have been married to her for 21 years now.
Age seems to matter less and less as you get older...
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Tue 9 Dec 2008, 18:03, Reply)

I've noticed
a lot of people mentioning how they've met, and evidently went on to have biblical relations with, people who turn out to be a lot older than they are.

Well, I find this extremely distressing. I reached the grand old age of 31 a few months ago, and yet still get asked for ID at least 50% of the time I try to enter a pub, the last time going a bit further as he obviously didn't believe it was my ID and asked me my date of birth. I was at a party on saturday and was assured I look around 20/21, which made me feel a bit better. I wish I did look around 21 though, as when I was 21 I looked almost exactly the same, but without the strange double chin that has appeared, despite only being ten and a half stone.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "Weyhey! Eh? Eh? I bet you get all the young girls throwing themselves at you! Eh? Eh?" Well, you don't know me very well, do you? Now I have to admit, I tend to attract the younger variety, as ladies my own age think I'm a "wee boy" (as one frightening creature bellowed in my ear once) but even when I do manage to ensnare one with my wiley charms, my body has developed a defence mechanism to get me out of any of that embarrassing sex carry on. It's called my brain.

I've had the brain of a fifty year old man for most of my post-primary school life. While my friends were all out drinking thunderbird and discovering why girls sat down to pee, I was playing Space Ace on my atari ST and watching Have I got News for You?

I never learned to talk to young ladies. I can manage it those closer to my own age, but they avoid me in case they get themselves arrested. It is the perfect example of a catch 22.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Tue 9 Dec 2008, 17:38, Reply)

Child Girlfriend
My husband is turning 30 this year, I'm just about 24. Not too bad of an age gap, but when we started dating (I was 20) I overhead his mother asking him to "get some milk for [his] child girlfriend" at a family dinner.

The weirdest thing about her is that she suddenly became very friendly the day after the wedding. But she still only asks me and his younger brother (23) if we want milk at family dinners.
(b3kaMN, Tue 9 Dec 2008, 17:31, Reply)

JOKE: nearly on topic
Little Tony was 9 years old and was
staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the
other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,

'Grandma, what's that called when two
people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she
decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling..'

Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went
back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in
and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds."

" And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you!"
(bugboybeast, Tue 9 Dec 2008, 17:04, Reply)

Bah...
As I haven't had sex since dinosaurs roamed the earth, I don't have much to add to this week's QOTW. However...

By a quirk of genetics, I'm fortunate enough to not quite look my age, which is 34. I could pass for late 20s on a good day. I've just been to see one of the lecturers where I work, who I have never met before and have had the following conversation...

"Hi Dr A, I was wondering if I could ask you some questions about your spectroscopy course?"

"Certainly, are you in my first or second year group?"

"Erm, actually, I teach your second year course..."

Naturally, being mistaken for a undergraduate (*) put me in a rather jolly frame of mind. Eager to share my new found youthfulness, I stuck my head round my office door, recounted the prior conversation and finished by saying "So to celebrate, I think I might go out and fuck a 20 year old."

I probably should have checked that my tutees weren't standing behind the door before I delivered that gem. Tomorrow morning's problem class could prove interesting.

fucksocks.

(*) Because as I was informed, Dr A had forgotten his glasses today.
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Tue 9 Dec 2008, 16:19, 28 replies)

Now
I'm "going out" with a guy 7 years older than me who is getting divorced. Despite the fact that I don't know how I'm going to tell my parents, I KNOW he's the one.

On the other hand, my friend was going out with a 55 years old man (she was 25), then a 65 years old (she was 26) and now she's trying with a 50 years old (she is 28). She KNOWS too he is the one.

I hate when people in the office call me sugar baby.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Tue 9 Dec 2008, 15:39, 6 replies)

Horror
My first "experience" with an older lady occured when I was 21.

Played tonsil-tennis with said woman in front of a mate. She was in her 50s, and to my eternal shame I cannot really blame alcohol.

Following morning friend enquires "how her moustache tasted" - causing me to eject the contents of my stomach onto him.

Subsequent experiences have been more rewarding, but this one will stay with me forever. Yay.
(Mean Mad Mutski, Tue 9 Dec 2008, 15:28, Reply)

Adventures in babsitting
As a 17Yr Old I was hardly naive, yet hardly a man of the world. I was your typical late 90s, long haired grunger. I was also a poor student (poor as in no money, but also poor as in shit at studying). Throughout this time I had 2 jobs; one was dog walking for the landlord of my local pub, the other babysitting for a few people.

She was 32, respectable job, blonde, fine figure and mother to a 10yr old daughter. I met her in the pub and she mentioned she needed a babysitter so I offered my services. All was well and I got a tenner for my troubles. We then met again in the pub a week or so later. Myself and my mate went back to hers. Me and my employer ended up fucking (badly due to my inexperience)

Time passed and I carrid on my babysitting duties, for which I recieved:

1) A lift to her house (she picked me up)
2) £10.00 cash
3) 4 beers
4) About a teenth of squdgy weed
5) A good fuck, thus sex education
6) A lift home and a thanks for my help

Occasionly in rather than cash I'd be treated to a night out, sex and a taxi home.

Eventually it became a BF/GF thing with all the above stil going on (still getting paid for babysitting etc) but it sadly ended - the 15year age gap was a bit much and I wanted to practise what I was taught with other ladies.

She's still doing well, she lives with her fella (its been about 12years now) and for a few years we were still good mates. Sadly we drifted apart and I don't see them anymore, but the memories are good - not just the sex ones but the friendship and good times that I had with her and her new man; the drinking, smoking, sitting around with guitars til the wee small hours, laughing and being merry.

I miss her sometimes, she was ace.
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Tue 9 Dec 2008, 15:03, 5 replies)

closer to my mom's age
-- than he was to mine. Still, in a drunken stupor and the flashing lights, he was gorgeous. I'd just gotten out of the mashed crowd of drunk gays who jabbed their elbows into my very short girl friend (not girlfriend) we stood outside, looking sad as can be. Every guy I'd dubbed hot was paired up, and the alcohol was making me depressed. She and I were about to leave, when this guy caught my eye.

We danced, made out heavy and hot, and he took me outside. We practically ran to his apartment and had hours upon hours UPON hours of hot buttsecks. Upon waking up in his arms, I went to ask for his name.

A week later, I was back later for more shagging. I asked for his age -- I was a 21 year old college student. He gave me his ID. Holy mother of God, 41 years old? I proceeded to text my mother, sought her approval. Seems ok with it, she was, so I went back to having sex with my newly found sugar daddy.

We've been "together" for three months now. I'm going there tonight to give him a blowjob and to receive my monthly allowance!
(yourworldwontcollapse reminds you, it isn't incest after second cousins!, Tue 9 Dec 2008, 14:55, Reply)

Sorry but this must of been done
your mum.
(BlueFlyer, Tue 9 Dec 2008, 14:38, 12 replies)

Quite a difficult one
I first saw D walking in the park near my house with her boyfriend and I was smitten. She was younger - a lot younger - but there was something about her that I just couldn't resist.

It was how she moved. It was her gorgeous hazel coloured eyes. It was her boundless enthusiasm. I was instantly captivated and I knew for the first time that I was in love.

I didn't know where she lived, and with slight reticence I'll admit that I became a bit of a stalker.

She was always in the park at the same time so it wasn't too difficult to make sure that I'd be able to get near. My plan was to gradually make eye contact, get closer, make her aware of my existence and hope against hope that one day she'd speak to me. Pathetic, I know, but I was never that good with women.

Gradually, she became used to seeing me there and we'd occasionally acknowledge each other as we passed on the path. A few times she even came up to me when her boyfriend was a short distance away. She never spoke - but she didn't need to. I just knew from the look in D's eyes that she felt exactly as I did.

One day at the height of summer we even ran off together for a short distance, but her boyfriend called her back and then chased me across the park. He seemed a violent man and not worthy of her affections.

I started to see them out in town on a Saturday night and her boyfriend would refuse to let her accompany him with his mates in the pub. Sometimes he'd even leave her outside while he was inside cavorting with other women. She always looked so sad and mournful sat out on her own, and when I realised how unhappy she was I knew that I had to act, and that it was right to do so, if only for D's sake.

One day, while her boyfriend was in the pub I spirited her away and took her home. Not a word was necessary - she knew that something was changing in both our lives and that from now on, nothing would ever be the same again. The age gap didn't matter - we were in love.

That night we made love for what seemed like aeons and woke up the following morning fully committed to spending the rest of our lives together.

Unfortunately, a short while later she got sick and so the vet had to put her down. I've got a new dog now.
( rofl harris, Tue 9 Dec 2008, 12:02, 2 replies)

That would have to be granny...
but not mine... (shes dead).

Besides these days it's not beyond the realms of possibility to find a granny in her 30's :-)

That reminds me of a conversation with another friend of mine who has a penchant for the older ladies. He has a porn collection with titles like 'Nifty Fifties'. We went on a lads road trip snowboarding holiday and he was asked to do one simple thing. Bring the porn. I didn't know people that old could be so flexible!

Anyhoo the conversation was about conquests and he told us of his dealings with a lady 20 years his senior. I will spare myself the details but it involved her ass hole and the immortal line 'It tasted like a penny'
( z0mb13e has a bee in his botnet, Tue 9 Dec 2008, 11:30, 11 replies)

This does raise an age-old ( but slightly off-topic) question...
which would you rather shag; Tranny or granny?
(The Oscillating Gibbon is eating curried squid, Tue 9 Dec 2008, 11:08, 33 replies)

Back to the future...
A past friend of mine who referred to himself as 'The Legendary Swordsman' (idle banter after a few beers, but entertaining stories none the less) proclaimed that he wouldn't shag any one who broke the 'Back to the Future rule' which basically means anyone born after 1985 when the film was made.

However that rule started to look a bit arbitrary after about 2003...

From what I hear he is propping up the bar and occasionally the young Ozzy barmaid at a local so I guess he has a new rule now. Maybe the 'Back to the future part III' rule?
( z0mb13e has a bee in his botnet, Tue 9 Dec 2008, 10:41, 1 reply)

I don't have a story this week.
_{Any allusions to truth in the following are grossly misrepresented.}

Was but a boy of seventeen,
Still innocent, and still so keen,
The physics that this teacher taught,
The laws revealed, equations wrought,
The scientific method made,
The new altar at which we prayed,
The woman with the deep dark eyes,
With short brown hair and full, firm thighs,
In someone twice as old as me,
An unexpected fantasy,
I told myself this was not right,
...but why I else did I think about physics each night?

Yet one day as the class did go,
She asked, "Do stay a moment, Crow,
She smiled and said "No need to fear,
Why, no one even knows we're here."
I pondered every variable,
If we were caught, there'd be such trouble,
Such thoughts flashed by in but a second,
As her experienced lips a-beckoned,
Common sense could not prevail,
My variable resistance failed.

She climbed on me and made to straddle,
I stroked the contours, found the saddle
point between those buttocks firm,
And probing fingers made her squirm.
In a quantum of uncertainty,
Clothes disappeared quite rapidly.
Her eyes lit up as she disrobed,
My swollen, sweating, young Hall Probe.
I begged, "the pressure is too great,
"I'm going to...supersaturate..."
She smiled, "Well, let's relieve that first,"
Opened her mouth and let me burst,
And swallowed then so artfully,
My column's potential vorticity.

She did not gag, she did not gurn,
But kissed my neck and said "Your turn,"
And begged that I should use on her,
My huge interferometer.

And so I found myself a-rising,
Beyond her moist event horizon,
Trapped inside so tight a hold,
By the pull of this black hole.
She goaded me and cried for more,
As she enticed me to explore,
And find within this no-pants dance,
A frequency of resonance.
Our sinusoidal oscillations,
Hurried on a strong sensation,
Wishing it would not be over,
But soon this mass went supernova,
And with a gasp, she seemed to lift
Up on my violent Doppler shift.

And the woman with the deep dark eyes,
With short brown hair and full, firm thighs,
This psiren, twice as old as me,
My unexpected fantasy,
Just caught her breath in time to say,
"Why can't they make all men this way?"

...Well, how else do you think I got an 'A'?
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 9 Dec 2008, 10:39, 19 replies)

Romantic dinner
At the age of 26, my friend Neil went out with a 19-year-old girl. For their first date he took her to a Chinese restaurant. They were getting on well and the food was lovely. Just as he was about to pop into his mouth a battered chicken ball covered in glistening sweet & sour sauce she said, “That looks just like my miscarriage did”.

Oh to be young and in love.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 9 Dec 2008, 10:03, 12 replies)

Ruby Ruby Ruby Ruby.
To be honest I wasn’t going to post a really personal story here but having seen the bravery of some of this weeks posts I thought maybe it would be cathartic. Brace yourselves (length).

In the sweet summer of my 17th birthday a friend of the family asked whether I would house sit for them. I had no really wild friends and wasn’t one for partying so this was not as entirely stupid as it may sound. We agreed a fee (a fraction of the cost of having a security system fitted in those days) and I house-sat for a fortnight. This involving me mainly living at home but sleeping at Ruby’s house; no effort, monkeys for nothing really. Obviously the first thing was the pron search which revealed nothing worse than a few copies of Mayfair and a couple of Forum, a medium\small dildo and some lubricating stuff (KY I think it was). Quite tame. Anyhow house was sat, fee was paid and ways were parted. Until. A phone call from Ruby asking if I could pop round and see her. No problem. Off Porky trots.

I arrived to find a relaxed Ruby who offered a lager and a proposition.
“I know you found my sex stuff. You’re a fit young man (I was, a few years of martial arts will do that) and I was wondering if you could do me a favour. Will you fuck me?”

To say I was taken aback is to underestimate the flow of lager from my nasal orifices. To help you understand why I will describe Ruby. She was average height, unstyled mousy brown hair, plain of clothes and pleasant (but reticent) of demeanour. An unremarkable 36 year old housewife. Never in a million years could I have imagined this. She and her husband were a perfectly happy pair and I could see no reason for such an offer to be made. She then went on to explain. Bob had been in an accident at work. This I knew, it was a rather horrific accident but he’d been lucky and recovered from the broken back he’d sustained (no spinal cord damage just crushed bones and ruined discs). What most people did not know was that as a result of either the stress or associated nerve damage, Bob had become impotent. This had not stopped them having a sex life of sorts but Ruby had got to the stage where she needed a good seeing to. As a trustworthy chap (and fairly tight-lipped) she had decided to ask me! So of course I agreed and we embarked on a well hidden affair which lasted until I went away to university.

Ruby didn’t teach me much as such but she was a kind and generous lover and we became quite curious together and tried things out regularly whenever Bob went on his fishing trips. She never said whether Bob knew about the arrangement but looking back on it now I think he must have had some idea. Knowing her as I do I can only surmise that as tough as it was for him, he did it for the wife he loved and the sexy woman he remembered. We were both sad when it ended and she still retains a special place in my heart. Ruby: older, wiser and someone I’ll never forget.

Oh and son, if you read this, it’s all made up so don’t go upsetting your mother.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Tue 9 Dec 2008, 9:04, Reply)