Mark "bloody" Goodier pocketed my booty
My crappy "win" was about 5/6 yrs ago when Mark "bloody" Goodier was just about cool enough to present a Radio One show (albeit the Sunday mid-morning shift). I entered a compo whereby he played 5 songs, you had to name the artists/titles and the "link" between them. I rang up and left my details and blow me they rang me back to go on air. Hooray. After the usual crappy banter (eg "Whaddya up to today then?", "...er nowt much", "Great" etc etc) and me giving the correct answers, he asked on air for a song request. After a lot of thought, I said Talking Head's "Once in a lifetime". Then, off air he duly took my address to send the assortment of CDs/Videos/Books etc that was the prize. One week past, then another, then another....nothing arrived. Wrote to "The Goodier", no reply. I can only assume that he pocketed my booty.
My faith in british broadcasting was in tatters.
Actually, thinking about it, he wasn't on Radio One for much longer after that so perhaps he got rumbled.
Mind you, I shouldn't have expected much seeing as though the twunt got my request wrong as well and played Texas' "Once In A Lifetime" instead of Talking Heads.
Bring back DLT* that's what I say.
*Not to be confused with the sandwich filling of the near-same spelling.
(leo sayer's left nipple, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 16:14, Reply)

When i was nine
I came second in a 'be like Tarzan' competition at a scummy kids club in Prestatyn, Wales.
I had to scream like Tarzan, then make chimp like noises, flex my nine year old biceps, and then dance to some crappy mini-pops song.

In a pair of red Speedos.

I won a stupid plastic snake and a leopard skin print headband.

sigh - shakes head and hangs it in shame
(nappy rash, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 16:14, Reply)

Off Topic
For all you b3tards out there - do the sums when you see a tombola - 20p a ticket * 2 or more books of tickets = £whatever. Quick summary of prizes (book tokens, theatre tickets, wine, etc. Discount the bath salts.) = £whatever +/- £some. It can work out rather favourably!

At the day's end, when a few panda pops have gone but rakes of decent prizes remain, *haggle* - you seem generous offering 15-20p a ticket to buy the fucking lot (assuming it isn't a fix and all the prizes are in the ticket bin), but you've done your sums... you can even abandon the panda pops and leave them for the kids.

I guess this depends where you live - Oxford is rich pickings ;-)
( 0nyx, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 16:08, Reply)

Quick! Change the rules!
When I was 8, the head of my primary school left and was replaced by a wet, pc woman who'd been a nurse but had left because she 'didn't like cleaning out the bedpans'. Hmmmm....

She always tried to make everything fair and equal, which is difficult in certain circumstances - like with a lot of competitions, the whole point of which is that someone WINS and someone LOSES.

We had a competition for building miniature models. I'd won the year before, and this year mine was the best again. It wasn't my fault the others weren't as good! To avoid me winning two years in a row, they then announced at the end that everyone would get a prize for taking part, so no one won. Because the whole school had basically taken part, we all got something so crappy I can't even recall what insignificant piece of crap it was.

Then, the head organised a reading competition. Whoever read the most within I think it was a month, would win. This was held for ages 6-11 (quite a difference, no?) and there were kids with learning disabilites in the school. We had to hand in slips saying how much we'd read the night before, signed by our parents.

In assembly, the head said to everyone "Well done to Yoseph, he read 32 pages last night!" Yoseph was one of the brightest kids in my class, not exactly a struggling reader. I put up my hand. "Miss, I read 32 CHAPTERS last night". I hadn't had any homework, so there'd been nothing better to do. Soon after this, the competition was soon not a competition, and it was roundly denied by the head that it ever had been - it was just an exercise to get the kids to read more. She'd finally realised that it wasn't exactly motivational to set kids of low ability directly in competition with those of high ability when they had no chance of winning. Stupid twunt. The whole thing just really pissed me off.

To cap it off, my annoyance only increased when I got given a merit certificate written by her which said 'For trying very hard at reading'. Made it sound like I'd only just managed to finish a Meg and Mog book with help from my teacher. I wasn't sorry to leave next year when we moved...
( Hampster Squared has stuff at www.tilla.co.uk, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 16:05, Reply)

Football Jersey
I live and work in Switzerland and went on a company sponsored event to see France Vs Switzerland in Portugal (Euro 2004). The trip was being organised by a big and wealthy bank. While on the coach from the hotel (same as the Danish national team stayed in so all very nice) we were asked to fill in a form with our guess at the final score and the time of the first goal.
Game finished and, waahey, I won the competition. I was told my 'siginificant' prize would be posted. So excited I even called the girlfriend saying it could be a weekend away for the two of us!
3 weeks later and a package arrives, I rip it open to find I am now the owner of a Swiss national shirt signed by whole of the Swiss team. oh joy.
Told the g/f the bad news. She was fine about it.
As I'm not Swiss I decided to give the shirt to a girl in work for her nephew.
Never thought to mention this to the g/f. Few days later the g/f rings me to tell me that all is not lost, she's phoned a sports memorabilia shop and checked on-line at sports memorabilia websites and the shirt is worth about £100.....

Why me?
( sneep used to date Freddie Starr's hamster, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 15:52, Reply)

oh, the crap I have won...
I guess I had entered a raffle through Lucky magazine (an American magazine about shopping/fashion- they have loads of giveaways in the back.) I didn't remember entering said contest, and when I received my fabulous prize, I was quite bewildered as to why I would enter to win such an item.

I was the proud owner of an electric hairbrush! It had a gigantic handle, about a foot long, and a round, bristly hairbrush at the top that rotated. It looked vaguely smutty, actually. Being a good sport, I tried it out, and got my hair completely tangled in it. However, it did serve one purpose... my friend's cat was mesmerized by the rotating bristles.

Funnily enough, a few months later, I was contacted by Lucky Magazine and asked to send in a photo of myself with my fantastic winnings, and write about it. I very nearly sent in a photo of myself brushing the cat.
(emgee, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 15:52, Reply)

well...
at summer camp a few weeks back, we had a little halloween. We all got into costumes and they were giving out prizes. I won funniest costume (I was dressed as an american chav, with baggy pants, bling, jersey,cap,etc.)I go up on stage all happy to collect my prize, expecting a candy like every one else...I got a crappy 6 cd cd holder made of orange vinyl...
( Killerkitti Like my coffee black, just like my metal, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 15:42, Reply)

Tony Hart is a lying cunt.
Anyone remember that crappy art program 'Take Hart'? Y'know, the one with Morph, Tony Hart and his inept assistant Mr Bennet? Well, when I was six one of the pictures I drew ended up in 'The Gallery', a collection of shite pictures sent in by the kids who watched the program.

The prize for this? A fucking £5 book token. Oh, and a signed letter from Tony passing on his congratulations and a signed mini-certificate to stick in the book you bought with the token. Disappointing yes, but so far hardly 'crappy'.

Spin on a few years and I'm telling the missus the tale of one of my scribbles being on national telly and she asks to see the book and letter. Next time we're round my mum's I ask her if she kept it and off she goes up the attic and returns with said items (my mum's one of those who keeps EVERYTHING).

So I'm sat there beaming with pride at my 6 year-old doodling magnificence when the missus points out that the autograph on the letter and the one on the certificate in the book don't match.

I was shattered. Not only had I won a crappy book token but it turns out it was even signed by Tony Hart but by some BBC researcher or some such. Cunts.

I, like Tony Hart, have a massive cock.
(R. Jimlad twitter.com/sirmarkymark, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 15:41, Reply)

The only thing I ever won.......
Lord of the rings (return of the king) on DVD.
SHIT




Oh. Did win QOTW about weddings though. Still the high point of my life.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 15:36, Reply)

Eat My Shorts
I grew up in a really sleepy market town in Buckinghamshire, and in an attempt to "give the kids something to do" during the Summer holidays, the local swimming pool used to stage "Beach Parties". There wasn't a grain of sand in sight, so I think "Pool Parties" would have been a more appropriate description, but I'm perhaps being a little pedantic... The atmosphere they TRIED to create was one of a Californian beach party.

Aaaaanywayyyyy, as part of the experience they used to hold various competitions... Mostly diving and swimming based, but with the odd wacky contest thrown in for good measure, to include the less sporty kids.

One particular evening, I watched every 1st prize winner emerge with an annual cinema pass, which I thought was a very cool prize, so was delighted when they announced that the next competition would be for sexiest boxer shorts. At 12 years old, I somehow seem to have obtained a pair of boxer shorts bearing images of cartoon couples having sex in lots of different positions, so I dropped my kecks for all to see. OK, they weren't sexy, but they were quite shocking, and for sheer novelty value alone I won first prize... "Yes! Free trips to the cinema for a whole year!" I thought. But what did I get???
The bloody 7" single of Aswad's 'Don't Turn Around'.

I went home after that.
(codenamebonkee, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 15:36, Reply)

Pub Quiz
Our pub quiz team once won a rather fantastic £2.30 as a 4th place prize. We felt like it was unfair that only one person should benefit from this sudden windfall, so did the only logical thing that would enable the prize to be split equally between our large group:

A pint and 10 Straws
( Trijian, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 15:36, Reply)

School Disco
First ever record i owned

Black Box - Ride on Time

fuck that was gash
(woo_yay_houpla loves teh sexy tiem, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 15:35, Reply)

The first and only
time I won a dance contest (don't ask) at the ripe old age of 8, thanks to a heartwarming brother-sister team effort (again, don't ask), I stepped up to claim my prize and was handed a rubber (pencil eraser - I was only 8 after all) with an initial on the top.

And it wasn't even my initial.

Dance contests suck.
(spacecowgirl, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 15:32, Reply)

well
every time i go on the interweb, i find little windows appearing on my desktop assuring me i have won a prize




shame i just close them, i wonder what i could be missing out on..............
(VashTheStampede http://www.b3ta.com/features/howtopoachanegg/, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 15:31, Reply)

Thought Of Another
My ex-wife won second prize in a beauty contest.....

The winner was pig.
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 15:20, Reply)

5 numbers on the Lottery
800 quid, lowest ever surely ??
(Andy Pipkin, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 15:18, Reply)

I never win anything...........
but I once won the top prize on the White elephant stall at a school open day thingy..I won the box of shite groceries that my mum had kindly donated as a prize.
Her face was a picture when I turned up with all those cans of Artichoke Hearts she had been trying to get rid of
( bigmeuprudeboy is using powerpoint or paint...have MERCY, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 15:16, Reply)

My best (worst) raffle prize.
One (1) can of low alcohol beer.
I was 8 (eight), So I kept it in the fridge for weeks unsure what to do with it.
I then took two (2) sips of it and threw it away.
(freddiestarfish, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 15:14, Reply)

Shit week at uni
Mate turns up from home town and we scrape up just enough money for a 8 pack of some cheap beer which we drink most of and go out for a bit. No pulling luck later, we come back safe in the knowledge that at least there is 1/2 a beer each before bed. As I open the can, fittz, up pops a tube from the ring pull hole. What the Fuck? quickly read the side of the can, and there are prizes of £5000, £10000 etc. RESULT! we plan the weekend in about 10 seconds and then open up the prize tube. A fiver, a fucking full five hundred pence.
Not a terrible prize, but it is when all of the off licenses are closed until morning and all you are left with is a specially packed beer can to avoid weight detection, i.e. no beer and an impotent five pound note.

Fuck the length, it's the girth that counts
( Ulic hissing slightly, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 15:12, Reply)

Stupid Prizes
I was 7 years old. It was a fair for my baseball league and I was very excited to go. Mom gave me $5 and I figured I would come home with duffle bags full of prizes.

I did not.

I spent a great deal of time attempting to win this prize: A Mark Fidrych poster. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mark_Fidrych

He was a quirky pitcher back in the 70's and an absolute loon. $5 for a stupid poster of an idiot who talked to the pitching mound. I anticipated being the envy of all my friends, inviting a select few into my inner sanctum to view it on my wall...noone even wanted to see it on my walk home.

On my way home, I thought about demanding my money back when the ice cream van drove by, playing his music loud for all to hear.
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 15:11, Reply)

I once also entered a competition at a school fete, aged about 7,
where you tied your name and address to a balloon and let it go, and whoever got a reply from furthest away within two weeks won a full football kit. Most people's never came back, but one kid got a reply from an English couple who'd found his balloon on a beach resort in Portugal - he got the prize.

Mine was presumed lost, and forgotten about. Forgotten about, that is, until about three months later, when I received a shockingly abusive letter threatening legal proceedings from some redneck dickhead in South Carolina. Bizarrely, he reckoned I owed him about $4,000 in recovered medical bills.

Turns out he'd fallen from his garage roof and shattered his pelvis while trying to remove the remnants of my balloon from his TV aerial. :)
( grey kid is breakdancing to save a community centre, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 15:08, Reply)

lego . . . . ya smart chap

a good bit of 'thinking outside the box' there , genius . . . . got the phone back though . . . . the nice people in the pub are used to folk leaving bits of themselves behind . . . they still have my sunnies though, one of the staff borrowed them . . .
(The Cats Twat, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 14:58, Reply)

School raffles
they really are full of utterly wanky prizes.

aged about 8 i was delighted when one of the raffle tickets from my school summer fete was a winner. what did i win? a jar of bloody (in both senses of the word) meat pate which i am pretty damn sure had reached its expiration date some time when the ancient egyptians' forefathers were alive. it actually had different layers of gunk all the way through it, with a pool of oil at the top. considering the mere sight of it made me feel queasy i asked the nice lady on the raffle stall if it was ok if i didn't keep my prize but she insisted if i didn't take it i would be breaking the law of england or somesuch and locked away.

anyway, i remember putting the pate down by a car's back tyre in the carpark and running away feeling a mixture of relief and guilt.

moving on a decade or so when i was at uni, i won a gnome from a pub, which wouldn't have been so bad except i was wankered and when i woke up the next day i had no recollection of the gnome-winning. i was greeted by the sight of a big grinning gnome holding a rake and being hungover i was rather confused. needless to say eventually the events of the night before came flooding back and i gave the gnome away as i didn't like it (its eyes followed me around the room making me paranoid).

more recently i won a fish pun competition which involved coming up with 'hilarious' fish-based band names. jamirokoi, shrimply red, gills aloud - just a few of the gems my mind conjured up. i won an osbournes dvd and nearly a year on it's still in its original wrapping. should flog it on ebay really...that's if anyone would buy it.
( The Helpful Bear, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 14:54, Reply)

hey y'all
for dilligent attendance at my place of employment for three straight months (after being threatened with the sack for missing two days in eight months, cuntz) I won . . . I won . . . roll the fuckin drums bernie . . . I won a piece of digital shit that holds your sim card details , , handed to me the monday after I lost the shaggin mobile phone whilst boozing, and a zip up blanket for the back of my car that might wrap a small cat or dog should I run one over and be in a saint franciscan mood . . . . the lousy swine.

your stories of woe and joy are the biz ! big up yerselves . . .
(The Cats Twat, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 14:48, Reply)

When I was at Uni, some stupid club was promoting itself by holding an evening firewalk
in the car park of a pub just off campus. Contestants had to walk barefoot down five-metre runway of glowing, white-hot charcoal wearing the society's t-shirt, and have their picture taken halfway along it whilst doing their best not to let the sheer agony of audibly searing flesh make them gurn like a mong on a spacehopper. Those who successfully made it to the end of the carpet of pain were entered into a random mystery prize draw.

Being pissed and at the pub where it was all taking place, my mate and I decided to go for it. Several terrible blisters, a lot of girly screaming, and two photographs of drunk, terrified idiots standing ankle-deep in shimmering flames and gurning like mongs on spacehoppers later, my mate walks away clutching a crate - that's six one-litre bottles, detail fans - of Knob Creek bourbon.

Me?

The Mr Blobby single. On CASSETTE. With a cracked box.
( grey kid is breakdancing to save a community centre, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 14:45, Reply)

Lego
My friend Chris entered a Lego competition when he was a kid. The idea was to build something cool out of Lego and I s'ppose the winning design actually got made into a proper set or something.

Anyway, Chris got through the regional heat with his amazing creation, and went onto the national level competition. Each kid got an hour or so to build their Lego thing out of the bricks supplied, and you were allowed to take all the bricks you used home with you.

However, there was a snag. Chris had built his thing out of the rarer Lego bricks (space stuff or something) and only standard bricks were available at this event. He couldn't build his regional-award-winning creation out of these, and he knew he didn't have a snowball's chance in hell of beating the other kids without his special Lego.

So what did he do? He built a huge box out of Lego and filled it with bricks. And took them home.
(Pachey, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 14:42, Reply)

Spanners
At some sort of dinner (about 8 years ago) the raffle at the end was pretty standard fare - wine, liquer chocolates etc etc. However, there were always some oddballs who's bring any random junk for the last prizes, and that year was no exception. My number was called, and I went to receive my prize - a box of spanners.

They weren't even new, either - secondhand, rusty spanners :(

Still, next year I got alcohol AND some Celebrations, which was a little more enjoyable
(insert username here, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 14:34, Reply)

Lager
I was playing at a gig in a hotel in the middle of nowhere one night, and my mate's raffle number came up. When he went to collect his prize, he spotted two tins of lager so took them. Only to be told, "Oh no, sorry. That's two prizes."

Tight fisted bar stewards were giving away a single can of Tennent's Export, worth about 50p, for a £1 stake!

I once won a £600 mixing desk in a free prize draw though. That was nice.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 14:34, Reply)

Fizz
When I was very young I won a cherry flavoured Panda Pop in a raffle. I have yet to best that moment.


( Dr.A, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 14:30, Reply)

My amazing tally includes...
- The crappiest of crappy calculators when i was around 10, from Clarks or some other shoe shop.
- A wonderfully phalic pink candle at a uni ball. Think that one's still at my parents place, two feet of wax inuendo.
- 8 pints of beer in a pub quiz (there were around 10 of us on the team).

But i see from this scratch card that i'm guarenteed to win one of a selection of wonderful prizes if i phone this 1.50 a min telephone number, so i guess i'm on the up!
( ChiefWiggum typing random stuff, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 14:24, Reply)