Just thought I'd pass this on.
I was listening to radio 4 late one night when they re-ran "moneybox" or some such thing.
I gleaned an interesting quote from it which I think bears repeating here.

"Just remember that this economic downturn, credit crunch, recession, whatever you wish to call it, WIll cause unemployment. However, most of the people listening to this programme will still be in employment in a year's time".

Don't panic.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Tue 27 Jan 2009, 0:13, 3 replies)

Burberry
No great loss this - the factory that's just near my office in Rotherham has closed - woe is chavdom....
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 23:52, 4 replies)

Cheers, Deloitte!
I worked for Woolworths. Well, someone had to.

When we found out about our closing down sale, Deloitte (our administrators) sent out an e-mail strictly forbidding employees to hoard stock for themselves during the sale.


"Well, fuck that" says I, and promptly start stashing all the good PS3 games, DVD's, CD's, etc.

December 27th rolls around and it's our final day of trading. At 3pm, everything is 90% off. I'm rubbing my hands with fucking glee at the bargains i'm about to get.

End result? £950 worth of stuff for about £70, after my staff discount. I also got Guitar Hero: Band Edition for the PS3 for £17 (should have been £169.99.)

Took it down to my local games shop the next day where they gave me £105 for it.

Nice.
(Dell_Zincht, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 23:48, Reply)

Primark
Fuck, they had a sale!
(Plucker, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 23:23, Reply)

I don't get it.
Was there a bad harvest at the money fields this year?

When that sort of thing happened in the olden days, they used to sacrifice people to the Gods to appease their mighty wrath.

I suggest Kerry Katona. She'll keep God full for ages, and we can bes sure of a plaentiful money harvest this year.

I've never understood econonomics at all, it all sounds suspiciously like a load of old cobblers to me.

Edit: I forgot! I HAVE noticed the ex-missus and her fella are down to just the one car now. Result! Long may it last, I say :D Economics..... great thing, that!
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 22:42, 2 replies)

...
As a student in Norway, I already live below the povertyline, as "all" students in Norway do. The credit crunch has not yet affected me directly. Its harder to find a job, offcourse. And the grocery-prices are skyrocketing. The rental-market for apartments are still high (inflated on could say). I get a scholarship for full time studies of aprox 6400,- nok a month. After paying the rent, the inet, the bus-card and my phone, I'm left with 2000,- nok. This is supposed to cover food, electricity and books for my studies.

2000,- equals 217 GBP. electricy is about 1/4 of this. I really need a job. If im going to be capable of being a full time student.
(Spng, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 22:27, 2 replies)

Not at all, but not for the same reason as previous posters...
I owe stupid amounts to my bank and work a job which has traditionally been badly paid since the dawn of time. Credit crunch or not, I still wouldn't have a pot to piss in.
(A Nonny Mouse, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 22:02, Reply)

yesterday
a woman who was clearly born with a whole silver cutlery set in her mouth asked me where Primark was.
(deadly_sinners, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 20:46, 5 replies)

Alot of chavs have been affected by the credit-crunch down 'ere in Swansea.
Due to bankruptcy and multiple store closures there are less places for the chavs to shoplift from.

They're practically unemployed. Again.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 19:38, 1 reply)

What Credit Crunch?
Is it just me or do most of the smug "what credit crunch" posts sound like a load of old bollocks and lies? Also do people who refer to themseleves as being in unsackable positions really think that? Surely they can't be that dilussional, no job is 100% safe.
(Mr Teatime, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 19:19, 6 replies)

It's bloody ace!!!!
I got a 22% pay rise this year, plus 10% bonus, my mortgage has plummeted, fuel has dropped so i've got a new hot hatch, and everything is getting cheaper in the shops!

I'm off to buy some shiny stuff!
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 18:02, 1 reply)

Lets be honest
Woolworths was shit anyway.
( Mr Nerdy-Speccy-FuckNuts Ouchy ouchy wa wa!, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 17:55, 1 reply)

HBOS can suck my sweaty cock
I went £1.14 overdrawn on Saturday. The impending £35 charge has put a real downer on our wedding anniversery this Saturday.

The nice country pub meal we were planning on in Swaledale somewhere will now most likely be the £3.50-a-head carvery from the local pub.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 17:52, 13 replies)

Never lend what you can't afford
In May of this year I was (rather unfairly) kicked out from a bank I worked for - the old scapegoat routine - I believe a token for my bosses failure to provide what he promised the board - anyway that's another story, but after a couple of months of panic, by luck I landed a cracker of a job for a small bank in the heart of Amsterdam and proceeded to not only enjoy myself, but shine. Got on well with the crew and the boss, was given lots of scope for broadening my skills and with it being just a few minutes walk from one of my locals, proceeded to look forward to a long and prosperous career and plenty of evening fun after knocking off time (little on call support meant I could really enjoy myself)

Then one day in September, when checking the statements for dispatch the next day I noticed a couple of large loans to a certain American well known bank, which 2 days later promptly folded. Now they are a global player with thousands employed worldwide - us - well we were a little niche bank with about 160 employees worldwide, and those 2 loans were enough to put us out of position with the Dutch state bank, and almost immediately we were under an emergency supervision order. Then in December, after all efforts to secure a paltry amount from our shareholder (paltry in what they could afford and minute in banking terms) I had to endure standing in the boardroom whilst several directors, men in their 50's I might add, broke down and cried as they told everyone that the bank that had been in existance for over a hundred years was no more. That was excruciating I can tell you.

So now I find myself a couple of months short of my 40th birthday very unemployed, with little chance of finding anything in the near future, plus with a certain Lady supposed to be leaving the US to come live with me, the chances of sponsoring her are diminishing rapidly putting the kybosh on our future happiness. Add to that my last salary slip has not yet appeared, the debts are mounting and the rent check bounced this morning. It's not looking pretty at all....

So if anyone needs a very qualified IT consultant who just wants a regular job where he will be able to assure his possible future other half what he promised her, and make us both happy, I'd love you forever, but right now the only thing that looks like a roof over my head is a possible bridge by one of the canals. Not fucking good I tell you......
(Waynster James Joyce is fucking my sister!, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 17:36, 1 reply)

i think this 'credit crunch' is a blessing in disguise.
there's been a lot of talk about how it's media broo-haha,spinmongering and fearspinning,but to be honest,if it gets people to spend less money,reuse old crap and ...oh,what's the slogan, 'reuse,recycle,etc.' rather than become the material whores we all were beforehand...the world will be a better a place.
Welcome to a better tomorrow,1954 style.
(Fuckpig "That's not even a pound a midget.", Mon 26 Jan 2009, 14:03, 13 replies)

Bear Grylls' Trousers
My friend jusat said "I can't afford to buy clothes that fall apart any more, I need good quality stuff that's going to last. So I've looked up Bear Grylls' trousers".
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 12:49, 3 replies)

‘A clinch in a crunch’…(or 'Pooflake’s attempt at light relief in a crisis')…

Only last year, I was stood by the bar nursing my pint, and chatting with my mate about the dire financial crisis…when she walked in…

Something in the way she moved…told me she was looking for some Hot Stuff.

She was a brown eyed girl, but also most definitely an uptown girl.

With a secret smile I gesture towards her and whisper to my mate: “Don’t look now, but she’s amazing! - Bootylicious!”

My mate recognised her and advised hauntingly: “She’s a devil woman…Dont Be Surprised If She Asked Where The Cash At Where The Where The Cash At, Where The Cash At?”

(Quite why he chose to repeat himself so many times I don’t know – perhaps he wanted to hammer the point home)

“Obviously, she’s out of my league” I replied, “But something tells me I’m into something good…I’ll take a chance…”

Even though I’m a charmless man, I sauntered over towards her and enquired “Hey ya!...What’s goin on?”

“Ain’t nothing goin’ on but the rent” She spat derisively, dragging me down.

After blowing the cobwebs from my cheesiest chat up line I continued smarmily:

“If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?”

“In your dreams...Creep!” she replied.

I fixed a perplexed look across my face as she proceeded to coldly launch into some sort of bizarre ‘sales pitch’ to explain in no uncertain terms exactly what she was after:

“I’m looking for a partner, regardless of expense” she said before proposing: “I've got the brains, you've got the looks, Let's make lots of…”.

“Stop right now, thank you very much” I interrupted before announcing in an everso ‘high-and-mighty’ way…

“I believe” I began to argue “The best things in life are free…can’t buy me love and all that jazz?”

I started to suspect that in these times of recession, she might have indeed developed some sort of cash-addiction issue, because she cackled insanely as she mercilessly continued:

“Money, its a hit. Dont give me that do goody good bullshit”.

I grew tired of her single minded attitude and questioned her ethics: “Money Money Money!”, I stated despondently, “Is not my first, my last, my everything! Yes, I suppose it must be funny…in a rich man’s world, but as far as I’m concerned…Money, (like my arse), is too tight to mention”

“But I’m a Material Girl” she professed, “I want handbags…and gladrags…diamonds and pearls*”

I questioned: “Nothing else matters?”

She replied: “Don’t get me started”

At this point I decided to give it ‘one more try’.

‘I’ve never met a girl like you before” I ventured “But we’ve gotta get out of this place. …Let’s spend the night together!”

Incredibly, she said: ”Sounds like a Masterplan…”

Next thing I know, we’re off down to her place (on Baker Street), and after one hot minute, we’re rolling like thunder, under the covers.

Suddenly she stopped. “Think twice…” she stammered. “We don’t have to take our clothes off to have a good time?”

…

Understandably, my (Norwegian) wood began to rapidly deplete and I could only reply: “but…but…What-I-got-I-gotta-get-and-put-it-in-you…?”

“Whatever” she said, and then she skilfully manoeuvred her posh panties to one side before formally introducing her Glory Box to my Rocket Man…thankfully, in no time at all, we were back ‘Gettin’ Jiggy with it’

“Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm” she began to sigh, “Deeper and deeper”

As I tried to pick up the pace she cried out: "Give give give me more more more!” then to my total surprise she popped me the ‘old shocker’ by forcefully inserting a chubby digit into my quivering ring of fire.

On experiencing the immediate sensation of burning love I screamed “Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeey Baby! Ooh! Ahh!” before whimpering: “Now…I will do anything for love, (But I won’t do that)!”

“Don’t stop me now” She screeched, twisting and shouting like a epileptic kangaroo with a jetpack attached: “I’m havin’ such a good time…

I’m havin’ a…”

And with that, she reached down and firmly gripped on the roundest of my gentleman’s vegetables…

“WOW! WOW! WOW! WOW! WOW! Wow – Unbelievable!” I screamed – then I say a little prayer as I leap higher and higher into the air before starting to feel some distinctly good vibrations…

As we started to come together I began to feel a peaceful, easy feeling (and the occasional ‘careless whisper’) as she mewed: “This is my moment….this is my perfect moment” before we metaphorically exploded into a mutual tidal wave-like exchange of bodily fluids.

“It’s a kind of magic!” I said. “You’re simply the best!”

And with that, she was now head over heels…her once tough-as-nails, greedy exterior had slip-slided away into a tender embrace as, breathless with spent passion she cooed:

“I’ve had the time of my life. (now) I’m never gonna give you up….

…Never ever”

And as time goes by…we two are one.



So, lovely reader, even though your credit is being crunched, your recession gives depression and you think ‘it’s the end of the world as we know it’, all I can say is…Have a little patience…Don’t worry – be happy, and most importantly…




All you need is love.



*Apologies for the Prince reference. Lest we forget that he is a stumpy cumbubble cock-face.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Mon 26 Jan 2009, 12:43, 11 replies)

I discovered
Envirofone

Which is Fekkin ace.

I got everyones presents from argos on the money i made from 3 mobile phones.

GREAT!
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 12:16, 4 replies)

You know the recession has hit
when you can only build half a Death Star...

Yrs,

Emperor Palpatine
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 11:28, 5 replies)

On voucher code store
They still have woolworths vouchers?
Is it buy one store get the second free?
I mean, why?
Can someone please tell me.
( monkeyboyalpha jumping on the bandwagon since, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 11:22, 1 reply)

The Sweeney... (midget style)

This one happened leading up to Christmas, its just occured to me it has a Credit Crunch theme...

There's an estate agents across the road from where I work.

For the last couple of years I've watched the fuckwits who work there high five each other and do little dances of joy to celebrate another obscene commission for doing, essentially, fuck all. The estate agents share the same pub as my company, so every friday evening for the last couple of years I've had to endure the most tasteless display of abject wealth since Caligula decided to invite a few mates round for drinkies, nibbles and to take it from there.

These estate agents are unbelievable. Quite frankly, their bragging about ripping people off and squeezing thousands and thousands out of their clients was really starting to piss me off. Yeah, do it by all means. But why the fuck do you think that a complete stranger in the pub will really be interested in how much money you made today for stretching the truth, you bastard? And their endless disapearing to the toilets to deposit half of what they'd just 'earned' up their nose just made them even louder and even more obnoxious, if that were at all possible.

To make matters worse, the estate agents started letching over the girls in my office. This is not on. This is quite clearly my job.

It all really came to a head when a fleet of Smart cars appeared outside the estate agents office. So now whenever I walk down the street I feel like I'm in fucking Toy Town. Sight of one of those 'cars' sends me into a rage instantly. Basically, I hate them and everyone who drives one of them. Saving the environment? Like fuck you are, you smug fucking prick...

So, its been quite a pleasure to see the number of estate agents dwindle (they're down to three now), and see the high fives dissipate. Its been lovely to look out the window and see these three fuckwits wander aimlessly round their office as if their stuck in the Big-fucking-Brother house with nothing to do. And its been especially nice to go for a hard earned pint on a Friday without having to listen to how these shits had legally fleeced some fucker out of thousands, and how they were gonna blow their 'hard earned' cash on yet another ski-ing holiday or another oject d'art...

Just before Christmas I found myself looking after the office. I had the place to myself and seemed to spend most of the morning looking at the three estate agents mulling about in the office opposite. It was better than London Zoo. I don't know what came over me, maybe it was the season of goodwill, maybe it was the fact I'd just watched The Muppets Christmas Carol on my Ipod thing, maybe it was the fact I was taking a cheeky swig out of a bottle of Baileys for most of the morning to make the day go quicker... But I actually started feeling sorry for these people...

Without thinking too much I picked up the phone, glanced across the road to the estate agents sign, and dialed their number.

'Hello, ****** Realty, how may I help you?'

'Guuud morne - innggg, I have house to sell, yesssss?' Said I. 'In REEEE - gents PAAARKKK. Given to MEEEE by my fat - herrr, King Solomon Olijawala...'

I could see through the window the estate agent stiffen.

I proceeded to give the fella an address of a really expensive house up near Regents Park that's on my twatting-about-on-a-skateboard-route in this really peculiar accent.

'I AMM in NOOO-WWWW, you CUM IhMM-EDDIATELY, YESSSS???' And *click* I replace the receiver...

I sit back and it was nice to enjoy the displays of high-fives, I'd sort of missed them in a way. And it was even nicer to see two of the three tear-arse out of their office and scramble into their Smart cars, like some Lillipution version of The Sweeney, and piss off up to Regents.

Bless um...
( SpankyHanky, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 11:07, 9 replies)

"Your MX 1000 Laser Mouse's batteries are critical"
This message pisses me off EVERY day.

OF COURSE they fucking are!! It wouldn't bastard work without them!

Stupid fucking Logitech.

/Rant

No. this has nothing to do with Credit crunching... but Sweden isn't hit so hard and life isn't changing.... hey ho.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Mon 26 Jan 2009, 7:47, 3 replies)

Not me, but...
My other half got laid off by Microsoft before Christmas. She's finally just landed a new job with a firm that does support for Foreclosures.

So, should be alright for a while then.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 7:45, Reply)

RENT!!!
The worst part of the credit crunch is the rent. I'm in Brisbane and the rent prices have doubled in the last three years. I know some people who have gone from paying 90$pw to 200$pw. Couple this with rising unemployment and the city has big problems......I've given up on the idea of ever buying a flat as I will never have a job that is secure enough to get a bank loan, and as I have just finished paying off two university degrees I have no money for a deposit.
(rattus, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 3:56, Reply)

I give him credit, he survived the crunch!
Many moons ago when I was new to the South, I worked for a civil engineering/surveying/land development firm as a draftsman in the department that did water and sewer. Being a drafter doesn't pay much, so some of us had to come up with other ways of supplementing our meager income.

One of the younger guys, Scott, chose to tend bar in the evenings at a local restaurant. He wasn't exactly the brightest character, but he was a hard worker and could move quite quickly. He had put in a stretch in the military, and was tall and lean and quite physically active.

One of the hard and fast rules at that restaurant was that no one, not even the managers, were allowed behind the bar during business. And so it was that Scott came hustling through with a rack full of glasses one night, hurrying to get them put away, and didn't see the waitress squatting down behind the bar getting something from one of the refrigerators. The corner of the door was about three feet from the floor, which happened to be the exact height of his testicles.

Scott was unconscious when he hit the floor.

The impact was enough that it flipped him in the air and crushed his testicle badly enough that it had to be removed. The tale of this was told in hushed tones throughout the office, but was soon followed by comments along the lines of "Wouldn't you give your left nut to have seen that?"

Me, I didn't join in with this, of course. Instead I left him two of these, unwrapped, on his desk with a note that said "Spare Parts".

Apparently he was not amused.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Mon 26 Jan 2009, 2:49, Reply)

The Other Half...
...is probably being made redundant tomorrow - or possibly not. We've been waiting to find out since Thursday. We spent tonight arguing about money. Yay.
( Bozo the Clone will work for chocolate., Mon 26 Jan 2009, 2:28, 2 replies)

Did you ever say anythin that you 9(possibl wot you sober ut) REGRET!!!
ok balh shit fufx say init yah
( Jamnog Sardines in her eyebrows, lobsters up and down, Sun 25 Jan 2009, 23:46, 4 replies)

saw it coming... kinda
About two years ago, it was becoming clear to me that the IT market was in trouble, my employer was going to be downsizing and outsourcing even more than they already had. I was getting dissatisfied anyway, so I applied to a university as a mature student, got a place to study Structural Engineering, and started that September. I'm now halfway through a degree course - my first, since I didn't get to go straight from school.

The irony is that I know that my employer hasn't done most of the things that concerned me at the time, my former colleagues all still have their jobs, and the company shares are holding up better than their competitors. A good thing too, since those shares are going to fund the rest of my degree, and possibly a Master's. Currently I have no job, no salary, and would be shoppiing at Lidl anyway, crunch or no crunch.
( bnt what, me worry?, Sun 25 Jan 2009, 23:42, Reply)

Another Sad Woolworths Tale
Think Woolworths and you think Pic-n-Mix. Anything else in Woolworths, you could take or leave. The gloomy racks of children's clothes, the 'Singles Chart' updated less frequently than Rod Hull's Myspace, none of it could hold a candle to the Pic-n-Mix. And whilst it was prohibitively expensive to the average punter who maybe didn't have £5.42 to shell out on a dozen pink shrimps and a scattering of generic sugar-coated chocolate beans, everyone has a happy memory of the Pic-n-Mix.

So imagine this; Ms Costas visited a branch of Woolworths on its penultimate day of trading to see what bargains remained. She spotted the Pic-n-Mix. Picture it if you will - The two rows of clear plastic tubs, each with their accompanying scoopy box below. The bargain hunters had pretty much drained each one.

However, that didn't stop one particularly keen shopper. The missus could only look on in astonishment as a stout woman approached the Pic-n-Mix, spotted some stubborn sweets clinging to the tubs and began pounding the Pic-n-Mix with her fists, punching and hammering the icon of many a happy childhood, belting it until it finally released a measly shower of jelly worms.

It was tragic; The Pic-n-Mix had provided joy to children for over thirty years, and now the Credit Crunch had reduced someone to beating the shit out of it.
(costas, Sun 25 Jan 2009, 23:32, 4 replies)

Living in rural Australia
I can say that we have the same thing going on here.

I never had the money in the first place, but the wealth(ier) kids at my school are outraged that the three international exchange trips have been brought down to just 2 a year, and that we (shock horror!) have to pay for our year 11 trip instead of having the school pay half.

There are a lot more kids bringing home made lunches to school, lots of the plastic bimbos and chav's complaining they can't afford the newest style of $350 aud jeans (big fucking deal - the most expensive pair I've ever had were $39.99).

For families like my own - where we've never had heaps of money, and where one parent is unable to work while the other is a student, things have gotten considerably harder. I'm bringing home more letters for the parents from the bank with red stamps and threats.

My job has become considerably more important then it would have been 18 months ago. I don't begrudge paying for the car registration on my mum's old car, or helping out with the shopping and the bills etc - but it shows how tight things are when I do that and still try to save money to go backpacking at the end of next year and find that so far - i'm not succeeding
(Poppet some assembly required., Sun 25 Jan 2009, 23:27, 1 reply)