Flaming balls of shit!
I have a mate. He's a bad influence. When he and I get together, we're positively chaotic. This episode tells of a time shortly after he was blessed with his first child. Sit back and enjoy.

So my mate lives on a fairly remote farm. Not served by regular trash pickup, he is quite canny with his rubbish. Once their little crotchfruit came along, however, he and the missus quickly (within three days) tired of terry-towelling nappies, and bought disposables. All was fine for four months. To deal with the disposables, he simply tossed them into a 55-gallon oil drum outside the house.

Well, the inevitable happened and one day, the drum was full. This happily coincided with a hot autumn day, a visit from yours truly, and less happily, after quite a lot of beer had been drunk. What to do, what to do?

Burying? Nope - not biodegradable. Can't take it to the tip, we're all too pissed. No more drums, so can't start another load. I know; let's burn it! It's, after all, a metal oil drum. That'll work great! Ah, but the drum is full - to the very brim - with sh*tty nappies.

So Dumb and Dumber dug out a drill and cut a hole about a foot from the bottom of the drum. We then dribbled, over the course of the next two hours, five (FIVE!) gallons of petrol into the top of the barrel.

Then - and we both thought we were SO very clever - we used some detonation cord, and ran it through the hole in the bottom of the drum to light the petrol from the base of the fire.

Now - picture this in slow motion - the following things happened. The det cord lit. The burning ACME-like spark travelled prettily along the cord. It vanished into the freshly cut hole in the drum. There was a rumbling sound. That was the oh-no-second. We turned around and began to run. Behind us there was a sort of squishBOOM sound as the tragically explosive mixture of petrol and festering, rancid nappies exploded.

So here's what happened next. It turns out that (who knew?) 55-gallon oil drums are stronger than nappies, especially when the top of the drum is missing. When you ignite a tightly packed drum full of nappies from the bottom, you have created a superb nappy cannon. As we found out. After the squishBOOM, there was a louder FLOOOOOOM sound. I looked over my shoulder to see a huge tongue of fire leaping out of the drum, and balls of fire above that.

The balls of fire turned out to be flaming, shit filled nappies - which flew about 300 feet into the air and then started raining down on the house, the cars, the tractor, us and everything else. We also found out that stamping on them to put them out isn't nice.

The smell was truly incredible. Some of those nappies had been festering throughout a British summer, at the bottom of the nappy cannon. The sound of the molotov shittails thumping down around us, along with the smell of roasting piss, shit and rotten nappy will stay with me forever.

The final crowning glory was when his wife came out of the farmhouse, looked around at the still-unfolding carnage, muttered "fucking hell" and went back inside - not knowing that at least 30 flaming balls of shite were setting fire to the roof above her head.

We eventually got the fires put out, with not too much damage to property, but I was banned for a LONG time.
(lustfish, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 0:56, 24 replies)

Oh dear god
this wins... every QOTW.... ever.
(LickOutTheJamsMotherfuckers!, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 1:37, closed)

^
is correct.
(TheColonel, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:19, closed)

The people in my office thought I was
having a heart attack I was making so much noise trying to withold hysterical laughter!


I agree, this is one of the best ever
(MichaelS wasn't picked again, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 18:05, closed)

I have just gotten in, very drunk.
Thank you for making me laugh like an absolute loon.
I shall go to bed with an enormous silly grin.
*click*
(Sundayturkey has the biggest mug of tea, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 2:02, closed)

Alcohol! Fire! Explosions! Raining four-month-old used nappies!
This is QOTW gold - something for everyone, from alcoholics, through pyromaniacs, to scatologists.

Epic Win. FP this at once!

(edit: And of course, I have to say "Goodness Gracious!")
( The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 2:22, closed)

Nice,
although i am interested to know what you thought was going to happen. Did you think it would just quietly burn away like a warming brazier of rotting shit?
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 2:37, closed)

*Clicks*

Shit cannons FTW
( Stu71 ....bad money dies, I love the scene, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 8:01, closed)

that is horrendous
that's worse than the time some local scrote put a bunch of firework innards in a milkbottle and set it off in one of those dogshit bins. and that was fuckin BAD.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 9:24, closed)

It's 1:13 a.m. ...
and that's the funniest darn thing I'm going to read all day.
(FleetlordVT, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 10:13, closed)

hahahaha
click click boom
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 10:15, closed)

I'll be amazed if this doesn't win
and we've only just started the QOTW!
( Sonic James Doom forgetting the date since... umm..., Fri 13 Feb 2009, 10:42, closed)

A bit of wee came out!
If this does not win by the proverbial country mile then the world is broken!
( RadG Drinking Mojitos in the sun, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 13:24, closed)

Thank you!
My first ever real-life office LOL!
(Colonel Santiago Introduced surprised kitty to the world., Fri 13 Feb 2009, 14:28, closed)

Best QOTW ever!

( BulldogUgly Visit my profile to see what's between my legs, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 14:55, closed)

You, Sir.....
.....are a futhermuckin genius. This, as many people have already said, must win QOTW this week, and I personally think it should be reposted at least every week for a year irrespective of the topic so it can win again, and again, and again.

Click clikkity click click.
(NoveltyCondomHead Clanks Wams., Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:11, closed)

Would you please...
... tell the police that you were brutally beaten by a gang of hooded strangers in the midst of this, just so that we can all see the Crimewatch reconstruction.

Only been registered three days and you already owe me a mouse - broke this one clicking "I like this"!
( Ugi , it's a game of give and cake, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:48, closed)

Genius!
*clicks*
( Jimbuktu See? Right here, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 18:57, closed)

My word...
Tears of silent mirth. God, my belly actually aches from trying to hold that laugh in. Awesome
(badfiremonkey, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 20:33, closed)

Utterly
Topper.

Be Clicked.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 23:03, closed)

Clickety click
Brilliant couple of opening lines and it just got better from there... My stonking hangover is now so much worse for laughing like a loon. Cheers!
( ForecastMonkey, Sat 14 Feb 2009, 9:12, closed)

Outstanding!
Just *clicked* when I realised that you also wrote that excellent story about the bombed oak tree.

I am choking at my desk trying not to laugh. Tears are running down my face. My body is convulsing with the sheer force of constrained hilarity. Never post again - the next one might kill me.
( Scrumper, Mon 16 Feb 2009, 15:57, closed)

Jesus Christ
That post is full of win. However remind me never to invite you round to my 'crib'.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 22:28, closed)

Brilliant!
Wonderfully written. I can see the nappies flying in the air. The smell must have been terrible, and the clean-up...doesn't bare thinking about! You have my vote.
(Woofie, Wed 18 Feb 2009, 20:17, closed)

Had to be done
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q60mmwOrIxs
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 0:53, closed)