Speaking of flogging a dead horse...
Do you think we need a lovely sweet QOTW like the second one down on pg99 of the QOTW suggestions page?

(Thought I'd try raising it from the dead)
( e.m.m.y. foxtrot uniform charlie kilo india tango, Thu 28 Feb 2008, 12:13, 1 reply)

Aroused.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 28 Feb 2008, 12:11, Reply)

Never seen a dead person
Once I saw a baby pigeon, though. A dead one.

We put tinsel and streamers on it, it looked very festive.
( Queen of Cheesecake, Thu 28 Feb 2008, 12:09, Reply)

Dead bodies?
It sure feels like I've slept with a few.


*ooh that doesn't sound right does it?
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Thu 28 Feb 2008, 12:07, Reply)

Where have you been Clive?
Well I was talking to my old buddies Chris, Teddy and Vern, and it turns out that Verns brother knew the location of Ray Browers body.

So we lied to our parents and went on an adventure. We all joked, talked about cartoons, sang songs. When we did find the body who should show up but Jack Bauer calling himself 'Ace'

Well he was quite frightening and said he was going to report the body, then he threatened Chris, So I grabbed Chris' gun and threatened Ace who eventually left. We looked at the body and decided an ononimous phone call was the best way to handle this. I think we all learned a little about life over that summer which is ironic as it started off on a journey looking for death.

...and that darling, is what really happened

length? Biggest one in four counties!

(apologies, sheletered life, can't remmember any bodies)
(Snuffy114 demands a cyber razor cut, Thu 28 Feb 2008, 12:02, 3 replies)

dragon fly
I had a king-dragonfly hit my windscreen before - these fuckers are big and don't have much structural integrity. felt really sorry for the little fella.
I think the worst I have seen was my poor old kitty pebbles, she died in my arms at the age of 17 :( I am upset now

edt: This QOTW is shit - why the hell did anyone choose this? sick bastards.
( SiX and his hat, Thu 28 Feb 2008, 11:56, Reply)

Not me, but...
When my father-in-law was in Malaya sticking it to the commies, they were digging foxholes on the side of a hill. He thinks 'Christ, this is easy going' as he's digging and as he gets to the bottom, he realises why. The earth had been recently turned and there, at the bottom of his foxhole, was a freshly-buried corpse.
So he filled it in and dug a new one.

edited for poor spelling...
( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Thu 28 Feb 2008, 11:50, Reply)

Koh Samui Thailand
More than once but this stands out for me.
25 Jan 05 a speedboat sank coming back from the full moon party in the early morning, killing about 15 or so. As the morning went by they started to recover the bodies and bring them back to the beech. They were not taken quickly away in a coroners van, oh no. They were layed out on the beech behind the locall 7-11, uncovered.

news.bbc.co.uk/1/low/world/asia-pacific/4208703.stm

And the speedboat, the one in the picture? still in use this very day.

Btw, i dodged the Tsunami by two days a month before. Mum was well pleased when i finally came home last year!

Length? a long time dead.
R.I.P
(incredible wrongun, Thu 28 Feb 2008, 11:48, Reply)

yep I think I got this one covered.
I saw 3 dead bodies in about 6 months of each other.
2006 was a hellish year we lost my nan in january my dad in april my mom in september (the day after her birthday) and my grandad 2 days later.
Dad's was the very first body I saw and it was a very sudden death. He was grey just like grey bloke! He also had to have a post mortem, so that we didn't see the scars his shirt coller was pulled right under his chin. Me and my sibblings stood round crying and after a while my big bro grabbed my hand a put it on to dads (later I was to find out that he wanted to touch him but was scared and made me do it first) All the while I was cring I kept thinking why had they filled him with so much embalming fluid! It gave him a round look! So my final look at my dad had him in shirt and tie with big round belly and my last thought was how much like the fat controller from thomas the tank engine he looked!
My mom clung on for 4 days while we were all around her hospital bed she was very peaceful in dying until the nurse on duty lifted her arm which was broken and she sat up in pain and shock and had to be sedated. I don't think I've ever wanted to punch anyone as much as that nurse. When she died her eyes went rather sunken and I was promptly sick. The week after we trotted off to scotland to see Granded who in all fairness looked ok. I think all the deaths gave me a sense of surrealism and I couldn't resist saying at the funeral how Grandad had very much won the beauty padgent of the corpse parade. Hmmmph not really a funny story and that's the longest answer I'll ever give to a question.

if you've got this far down thanks for sticking it out.

Length-Didn't like to look.
Can we have a more cheerful qotw i feel like I'm off to slit my wrists! ;-P
( Mrswoodbine finally has her own account., Thu 28 Feb 2008, 11:46, 2 replies)

Gran
It was Christmas. We were all basking in the afterglow of a slap-up dinner and Roger Moore was parachuting off a mountain on the TV.

"Want another mince pie, Mum?" my mother asked her mother.

No answer. Granny had died peacefully in her sleep, a half-eaten mince pie on her plate and a look of wrinkled serenity upon her septuagenarian face. We looked at each other in shock.

"Well, we can't afford a funeral," said Dad. "We'll have to dispose of the body ourselves." We all knew it was true - the cost of a coffin and a service on top of Christmas would have broken us. "Get that tarpaulin from the garage, Frank," said dad.

We rolled it out on the floor and tried to manoeuvre gran on to it. She hadn't gone stiff yet, so we were able to topple her off the armchair on to the tarp. "Don't break her glasses!" yelled mum, "We can get a fiver for them on Ebay." In no time, we had her laid out on the rip-stop nylon and trussed up like a salami.

"Right, off to the quarry," said dad and we all piled in the car (gran in the boot) to head out to the country. It was an emotional trip, as we seldom spent time together as a family. "Nice to be together," said mum. "Gran is with us, too, even if she's dead and wrapped in plastic."

At the quarry's edge, we manhandled gran out of the boot and dragged her to the precipice. "Should someone say a few words?" I asked.

"That tarp cost me £20," said dad.

As one, we all laid hands on the package and rolled it off the edge. It tumbled down the hill a bit and fell vertically to land with a delayed splash in the flooded quarry. "Goodbye, mum - you were the best," said mum.

"Right - who's for a turkey sandwich?" said dad, and we all piled back in the car for a slap-up supper.
(frankspencer, Thu 28 Feb 2008, 11:43, 4 replies)

I've seen loads
Working in a hospital does that.

However, the one which sticks in my mind is this particular one.

This one particular lady on a Care of the Elderly ward wanted to use the commode, which was given to her. The curtains were closed to preserve her dignity whilst she had to do what she had to do.

It was then an awful long time before someone realised that she hadn't said that she had finished. It turns out she had done what she had to do, then passed away. Unfortunately, it had been so long, that she had gone into rigor mortis.

I turn up to the ward, to find the men in black (the morturary guys) wheel this poor corpse out, still as if she was seated on the bog. I may have giggled a little bit.

NB: The classic way that people die is shortly after going to the toilet - some of my colleagues call it 'The Elvis'.
(witty_ditty has made multiple miaows since, Thu 28 Feb 2008, 11:40, 2 replies)

Ah right, tis all coming back to me now
I haven't seen a dead body but your mothers may as well have been dead, she lay there lifeless as I pounded my meat into her, didn't even make a noise, her glassy eyes staring at the ceiling, maybe it was the rohypnol, maybe it was the smack, all I know is that she was begging for it, the dirty dirty dirty dirty dirty dirty dirty dirty dirty bitch.

.....the haziness of that evening is now coming back to me, your mother may well have been dead as i pounded my meat truncheon into her time and again, my large heavy gonads thwapping against her undercarriage.......

....she had approached me in a bar earlier that evening, 'Do I know you' she said, 'Not as well as you will know me later on' I replied with a nonchalant smile and flick of my hair. Her perfume was intoxicating, and her ruby red lips glistened under the spotlights shining on the bar. I offered to get her a drink, which she readily accepted. We chatted about many things, it turned out we were from the same town and had been to the same school, all-be-it I had been a few years her junior. We also skirted around the topic of under performing schools and Maslow's hierarchy of needs. I told her how i once had shat myself after straining so hard to do a fart that my cheeks went beetroot red.
We continued on and had many more drinks and were eventually asked to leave by the bar staff after they closed up. We stumbled outside, and upon hitting the fresh air I hailed her a taxi and sent her on her way home, sometimes i still remember that night with fond memories, the carousel, the big wheel, candy floss by the bonfire, with the guy alight atop. the sweet smell of chestnuts roasting and the laughter of children as they danced and skipped around the motionless crowd, watching the fireworks as they made the most beautiful colours and displays in the night sky. The food was particularly good as well, pumpkins and furry eggs washed down with a sweet golden warm glass full of urine.
(little lord muthafuckin fauntleroy, Thu 28 Feb 2008, 11:28, 1 reply)

Quite a few really
Lets start at the start

My Grandad who died of Throat cancer when I was 13, He looked like an empty shell, there was nothing left of the man I knew and I was glad he was no longer in pain.

My Neighbor who hung herself aged 13 as "growing up wasn't any fun" that one messed me up good and proper for a while
cue therapy

My best mate in a car crash, I was driving and we hit a puddle on a corner, aquaplaned off the road and in the ensuing carnage broke his neck, He was to be frank in a fucking mess.
The crash wasn't my fault, the council had resurfaced the road and blocked the drainage
But for years I felt guilty for being alive and embarked on a huge live fast die young spree.
It was only when his Mother took me to one side and asked me not to waste my life because Simon isn't here. Cue rehab, AA and therapy (again)

I had a few death free years then until my wifes grandmother died a few days before Christmas sat in her chair watching the telly she looked peaceful.

In a perverse way I have no fear of death anymore, it just happens
(Barry Chuckle has gone out in the thong to feed the pigeons, Thu 28 Feb 2008, 11:26, 1 reply)

I've seen a dead body
She was cold, clammy and waxen. She looked like she would wake up but of course she would never. They hugged each other wiping away their tears. I watched it all. Miss you Gran.
(lincolnsmithvstheblackprince I'm up to my knees in lionel here, Thu 28 Feb 2008, 11:25, Reply)

Lady in the Water
Saw a dead body face-down in the local docks.

When I first saw her I thought she was wearing a nice mauve cardigan, very similar to this,

cgi.ebay.com/FIRST-ISSUE-Claiborne-Mauve-Cardigan-Sweater-PLUS-20W_W0QQitemZ310026161214QQihZ021QQcategoryZ63866QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

but with long sleeves.

Turns out she was naked and it wasn't a cardigan.

An elderly couple came over and after a few minutes of staring at the bloated, bluey-pink, bobbing body said, "Do you think she's dead?".

I replied, "No, just snorkelling".
( insignificantsnivellinglittleturd I Like Peas, Thu 28 Feb 2008, 11:23, Reply)

Frilly hat
Many moons ago I thought that it might be a good idea to train as a nurse. It wasn't, but of course I saw some colourful things while I was working in the hospital. Having miraculously completed my Elderly Care placement without seeing a single stiffy, I started my stint on the obstetrics (pregnant ladies) unit.
One hung-over morning, after a breakfast of coffee and fags, I stumbled merrily into the sluice room to see a surreal spectacle. A photographer stood grasping his camera and watching in disbelief as a nurse positioned the fat purple body of a baby on the floor. This baby had died inside its poor mother days before being extracted from her abdomen in an emergency procedure. The mother's immune system had reacted against the internal corpse and its skin was peeling and blistered and had the colours of rotting plums. Sad and horrible in itself, but it was the unit's policy to photograph all dead babies, in case the parents asked for a copy at some point in the future. For the hellish photo shoot, the little cadaver had been dressed in a frilly white gown and a tiny doily of a hat, adding just enough bizarre humour to sharpen the horror. The nurse and the vacant photographer were discussing how to keep the baby's blackened mouth closed long enough for the grotesque picture to be taken. [Shudder]
(835Rocks, Thu 28 Feb 2008, 11:22, Reply)

Following Agnostic Antichrist's lead
24th April 2004 1.45pm

In many ways I now consider myself to be very fortunate. On many levels, firstly to have been loved by such a wonderful, kind and gentle person. Secondly to have been privileged to have been able to help look after her at home for the final few weeks (it was very much a team effort).

We were all there - Dad, my 3 sisters, me and the dog. All sat around the bed where my mum lay dying of pancreatic cancer. Bit of background - 10 years or so previously Dad had had cancer himself and had retired from general practice. Subsequently he went to work for McMillan as such he was able to ensure that Mum was able to stay at home for as many of her final months as possible.

There is a lot a other stuff going on at this time (me made redundant in the same week as being told of mum’s illness, my relationship breaking down a few weeks later). Still, all in all it meant that I was free to be with my family for the time that I need to be.

Right back on subject – 24th April, 12.30-ish, all in Mum’s room. Dad suggests a drink, I volunteer to put the kettle on; not what he actually meant. 15 minutes later, we all have very large gins inside us, which helped. Still watching, Mum’s breathing getting more and more laboured and shallow. Eventually, finally it stops and she just settles - silence only punctuated by gentle tears from us all. We all file downstairs leaving Dad to say goodbye. After a short time we have all taken our turn to bid our individual farewell.

Attention turns to what do we do now? Dad knows about these things; there is a need to call the GP and a few local relatives. This is duly done. Nothing left to do other than to retire to the garden and toast Mum. By the time that the undertaker arrived, we had toasted Mum - a lot. Best thing we could have done. In fact I still have an empty champagne bottle from that afternoon on the windowsill in my bedroom.

Regrets? – that she knew that my then relationship had broken down and that she never met my wife whom I met a few short months later (she is a nurse who used to work with Dad). I also am saddened every time I have a reflective moment with my 1 year old son – she would have been the best grandmother.. ever.

However the bit that really gets to me is that Mum always said that she didn’t want to be an old lady and be unable to look after herself – be a burden on us. She died at 63, just as she and Dad were about to start to enjoy retirement.

It just makes me think that you should be very careful what you wish for – her wish was granted

Apologies for lack of funnies, it being my first post ‘n all.
Now re-read AA's post again as well as some of the other responses I have found this whole QOTW thingy very cathartic. I think about Mum virtually every day, especially when something happens that I would like to have shared with her - marriage, birth of boy etc etc. There are often times when I want her advice on stuff.

I am acutely aware of the fact that there are many other folk here who have had it far far harder that I have - lost parents at a far earlier stage for instance. However, I am now a very different person to that which I was nearly 4 years ago. The final lesson my Mum taught me was not to waste time worrying about the inevitable - carpe diem
(conanow, Thu 28 Feb 2008, 11:19, 6 replies)

Yes
i used to work in a hospital - in procurement (buying whizzy scanners and all sorts).

The procurement team always got the best spot in the hospital, either by the incinerator, goods inwards or the morgue.

I always used to go get a bacon and stilton baguette at 10am and would wander to the ospital shop. I knew a lot of the porters and probably twice a week would be wandering back chatting then to one of them and as i went down the final corridor to my office i would notice that they had been pushing a trolley with a cadaver alongside my baguette.

After a while it becomes normal. I did always wonder if it was the stilton i could smell or something else...........
( bazza van der trance , ooh baby baby, baby baby. Get up on this., Thu 28 Feb 2008, 11:13, 2 replies)

This is why I LOVED working in pathology
Though I've never seen a whole dead body, I've seen enough parts to make up plenty.
The highlights?

Eyeball, thigh-down excision of leg and at least two brains per week.

I've seen more tits than a page 3 photographer, shame they weren't on people really...
( DarkSideOfTheSpoon is 100% back, for now anyway., Thu 28 Feb 2008, 11:10, 1 reply)

Seen a dead body? No.
And thank christ for that.
Unless you count the pigeon that I was watching as it pottered about between the back wheels of an artic.
When the truck moved, it didn't.
It did, however, spread out across the road in quite a spectacular fashion.
(Big D, Thu 28 Feb 2008, 11:10, Reply)

I saw a guy jump from a massive ledge
About 300 meters to the floor. He was a squish.
( Methylene Blue - electrohead, Thu 28 Feb 2008, 11:07, Reply)

yes, lots
My degree was anatomy (therefore invilved dissection) and I'm a forensic scientist now, so I see photos of crime scenes, attend them with the body in situ, visit PM's and am generally well aquainted with the more criminal side of death.

You quickly get over the inital shock of "someone's dead" and it becomes part of the job, but every now and again one will affect you on a personal emotional level and there's often little rhyme or reason as to which it will be.

I've learned a few things:
1) It's incredibly easy to kill someone. I've seen cases where a drunken shove between friends (just playing about, not even fighting) has caused a death as the shove-ee falls and hits their head.
2) Conversely, people can also survive an amazing, horriffic level of damage sometimes and go on to make full or nearly full recoveries.
3) People are astonishingly complicated inside and out and the changes they go through after death thanks to the actions of microbes, animals, insects and such are deeply, wonderfully fascinating and unbelievably varied.
4) Don't have tuna for lunch if you're going to attend a PM.
( Mockingbird Practitioner of SCIENCE, Thu 28 Feb 2008, 11:04, 2 replies)

The worst day of my life.
Was the first week of april 2005. I got a call off my mum whilst at my bf's house saying my baby Oscar was sick. They had rushed him to the emergency vet. Three days later i got the call i dreaded most. It was time to let him go. He was 9 years old and his kidneys were failing fast. I held him close as they injected him with barbiturates, and all those programs and care sheets which say its just like going to sleep.... you all fucking lie. He screamed and he screamed and then lay down in my arms and went limp. We put him in his favorite blanket and into a little coffin and took him home. I took off his collar and hung the name tag from a silver chain which even to this day still hangs around my neck. Ill never take it off.

His body was so peacfull in the end it took me months to come to terms with the death of the little guy who was my best friend from the age of 10. We had grown up together, and later as i got older and got sicker Oscar had saved my life on two occasions.

I know Oscar is up there now, but i also know ill never be over him and every so often i look forward to the day ill join him. He might have just been a cat but i wouldnt be here today if it hadent been for him.

Sorry for the sad post people, ill just go off and cry quietly now.

Length? i dont think thats appropriate under this post.
(Serbitar Has a furry shit canon called Whitey., Thu 28 Feb 2008, 11:03, 11 replies)

A few
My first was a climber ‘soloing’ some height above me and a mate while were preparing for our own climb. I was actually watching him as he slipped, hung by a couple of fingers for a split second, said ‘shit’ and fell. The face hasn’t quite vertical and every time he hit the rock his body became more and more rag doll like. There wasn’t any point going over for a closer look, so I didn’t. My mate stayed with him while I walked for 45 minutes to get ‘help’ (no mobile phones kids, imagine that). The sounds rather than vision of it have made the strongest memories for me, particularly that one word ‘shit’, said with no fear, just a resignation that a fuck up has been made.

On a lighter note, the second one was a dead Scouser in Bournemouth. Those who know the town well will be aware of the Scouser problem.

I was walking through one of the public gardens early one morning and came across a group of council grounds men gathered round an obviously dead probable Scouser (both facts later confirmed by the local paper). I can report that one of the council workers was indeed poking the body with a stick in the form of the handle of his rake.

.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Thu 28 Feb 2008, 10:58, Reply)

Dinner with Mavis
When I was about 18 I had a terrible, terrible asthma attack. The usual nebuliser plus steroids and antibiotics did nothing, and so I was admitted to the chest ward. The chest ward also appeared to double up as the geriatric ward. I was surrounded by old pneumonia victims and the odd woman suffering from dementia. The coughs, splutters and "Get back into BED Edna!" soothed me to a restful sleep every night. As my asthma is often tied up with stress I remained in God's waiting room for 4 nights.

There was an old frail lady in the bed opposite me called Mavis. She was sweet and we did the morning wave to one another, and the lunchtime roll-of-the-eyes as the nurses handed out the dog food disguised as shepherds pie. One morning there was a huge kerfuffle around Mavis' bed. The curtains were whipped around her section and doctors and nurses converged, and then left. About an hour later, a middle aged man approached the bed with one of the nurses, fought with the curtain for admittance and left again. The curtains remained closed.

"Lunch" was served. I poked at it for a while, ate as much as my poor taste buds could manage and then it was taken away.

At about 6 O'clock some porters came - and strangely, I don't remember the next bit - they must have taken Mavis' body away but I remained clueless. It was only after the curtains were pulled back and the bed was being stripped did the penny drop. I remind you that I was 18, and a bit traumatised by all the terrible sickness around me.

So, I didn't see a dead body, just ate dinner in the same room as one - which believe me freaked me out for months afterwards. It was my first real brush with mortality.

Cheerful topic – I don’t think I’m going to be reading many of these this week!
( my_cat_has_no_shoes meh meh meh MEH MEH, Thu 28 Feb 2008, 10:55, 1 reply)

Unlucky Dad - unluckier patients
I saw a fella drop dead in the street from a heart attack once, but that's the only one I've seen.

My Dad on the other hand works as a carer in sheltered accomodation for the elderly so sees more than his fair share. Unfortunately for him, there hadn't been any deaths for a couple of months before he started the job and then there was 4 in his first week. He's at another place now and luckily his 'Shipman' nickname hasn't followed him.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Thu 28 Feb 2008, 10:49, Reply)

Dead biker
Weird this should come up now, but just last Friday, on my way to work, I saw a dead motorcyclist.

We were just approaching a particularly sharp bend in the road which seems to be a bit of a blackspot- the wall alongside is full of holes where cars have gone through- when I saw a smashed up motorbike on the verge. And sure enough, about 10 ft away was the dead bloke with all his biker gear on. A woman had pulled up and was presumably calling an ambulance, but it was obvious he was dead. It looked like we'd just missed it happen.

I felt cold at first and then sick by the time I got to work.

I also saw a dead tramp once when I lived in France, but I didn't feel anything about that.

Hmm, this QOTW is bound to be a laugh riot...
(Crayola Oblongata Is it Monday?, Thu 28 Feb 2008, 10:48, 1 reply)

My Ex's granddad.
Her Granddad died of a stroke and she took it really hard as they were very close, saw each other everyday etc. In the days up to the funeral his body was kept at the funeral home, where the family had a key and could visit any time they wanted.
She wanted to go visit him but she was VERY upset and really struggled to go into the room. One step at a time for what seemed like ages, shaking like a leaf (it really was hard for her but she stuck it out and I was very proud of her after). Once there she sat with him for a while but a fly had made its way into the room and was hovering about.
This set her off and she wanted it out... cue me chasing the thing around after it. She left the room as she was getting really upset about all this.
Then as if chasing the fly around the room wasn't bad enough the sodding thing landed on her granddads lips. No amount of arm waving would move it so I had pretty much flap my hands over his face to get it, then killed it with a magazine from the waiting area.

I kept my mouth shut and never told her it was crawling over his face. I don't think she could've coped with it.
( Maffers I flow kinda strange like Spina Bifida footprints, Thu 28 Feb 2008, 10:48, Reply)

My cousin
Found a body floating in his local pond and threw bricks at it, thinking it was a mannequin. When it didn't sink, him and some mates fired air guns at it for a while. The police pulled it out later and my cousin was interviewed by local TV, though they didn't use the footage because he's an utter moron.
(frankspencer, Thu 28 Feb 2008, 10:44, Reply)