Adrian Mole's Secret Diary
It was shit. He didn't even get to finger Pandora, or whatever her name was.

Length? Fuck knows, but he used to measure it a lot.
(Mozchops ... just not in the face, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 8:52, Reply)

Salaries
Back in the late 80's I was working for a broker in the City. Their computer dept were rubbish and I saw them at their terminals logging into other users terminals to sort out problems.
Ah, I thought. I can use this. It started quite innocently where I would change the directory to the root and log into my girlfriends Spreadsheet program(she obviously worked at the same Company) and leave her saucy messages.

This went on for a few weeks, until I discovered that I could log into anyones spreadsheets. Remember that this is before e.mail!!!

After cruising through general tat on the accounts users spreadsheets, I hit upon the Financial Directors files - yawn, yawn, yawn, hang on what's that? 'Salaries'?? Get in there. Yep, he had everyones salary and proposed pay increase.

Information is Power, so with this little secret tucked up my sleave I chose to tell one of my mates what his payrise was and I was getting more. He didn't believe me until he got his review then promptly grassed me up. Tosser.

I got a bollocking, but IT were dragged over the coals and given a huge dressing down about lack of security protocols etc.

Thing was I still knew everyones salary for the next year! They tried deleting my memory with copious amounts of alcohol but I kept a print out at home! Ha Ha.

Made plenty of people .....
(Suck it and Sea, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 8:51, Reply)

frankspencer
I've read his stories and confessions - they make me blush.

Oh wait, they're not private are they??

Bring it on frank - I can only assume that you're dredging the deepest recesses of your soul for that great story. I wonder if you're really Barbara Cartland?

Size - big, but it gets bigger ;-)
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 8:43, Reply)

I found out...
... after going through a recently fired Sales Director's email, that he had been fucking a pre-op tranny.
(LunarJim, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 7:50, Reply)

Not recently
Years ago, my 2 younger cousins showed me their older sister's diary.


Apparently she was quite acquainted with the boy down the street's pet rooster.


I didn't even know he had a pet rooster.
( Kittenpants, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 7:22, Reply)

Mildly sinister
At uni friends and I noticed a computer that had been abandonned without being logged off. A friend of mine had left it displaying an email from the christian union (of which he was a member) about how to approach people and indoctrinate/convert them. It was only mildly sinister, but that's sinister enough for me.
( evil_chutney, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 7:16, Reply)

Haven't read anyone else's diary, but had mine read by both a brother and a boyfriend ...

My diary was kept locked in a box, that I kept under my bed.
Nice idea, except for the fact that my brother was quite good at picking locks.

I found out about it when a friend told me that he'd shown her younger brother pictures of my boyfriend & I that I kept in there ... yeah, my brother pinched his own sister's home-made porn ...

The boyfriend's solution was for me to keep the box under HIS bed, at his house.
Once again, neglected to consider the fact that the guy had impressive locksmith skills ...

Found out that the boyfriend had read it when he commented on how good at drawing I was.

Having never shown him any of my *cough* "art", I was kind of confused - until I went to make the next entry ... and found the diary was left open to the page where I'd drawn a (quite complimentary and exaggerated) picture of his pecker ...
(Celerydemon, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 6:39, Reply)

Ex husband's email.
Due to a football (American football) pool at work, I had to get me a yahoo ID.....and realised that ex-hubby has a Yahoo email address.
Him being him used the same password for years, and knowing his email address it didn't take long for the light bulb to switch on.

So, I found out:

As an illegal immigrant (technically it's a simple overstay - not too bad in terms of US immigration), he married his 19 - yes, nineteen year old girlfriend (he's 36) to get a green card. None of the family either side know.
They all flew out from various places (won't say to protect the innocents) to attend their "wedding" last October.
I would say it was 4 years too late.........

He also made up some fictional message to a certain Hull based band (not the Ugly North) who just split up within the last two days (who he's very good friends with and I have met them a few times) saying that I was a good person, and if he could do it differently he would.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 5:42, Reply)

I thought I was the only one who did it...
I used to get into lots of trouble around school for doing this. I thought I was the only one! But obviously lots of people have given in to temptation and had a bit of a look - especially difficult to resist if it's a girl you like! Maybe even kept it for a while, perhaps even had a guilty bit of a sniff...

wait...did you say diaries?
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 5:35, Reply)

He has sent a sign
In the name of ostentatious openness I once let Mrs Mudskipper have a look at my diaries from my single life. Not the smartest move ... she wanted to know what the occasional little hieroglyphics meant that were pencilled in next to "eventful" evenings. I managed to convince her that * means vodka consumed, # denotes quantity of beer etc.
Actually they're respectively references to successful bouts of buggery and fellatio.
(Since marriage the * has gone out of my life completely but the # is still good).
(mudskipper, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 4:23, Reply)

Rated R for drug use and depictions of sexuality
Been the victim on this one.

Back in the high school days, as a fit young lass of 15, I had a private journal containing private hormone-induced rants about my lack of a sex life and private drawings of hot naked chicks (not gay).

I spent the weekend at a friend's house, and on the first night aforementioned journal disappeared. Just *poof* gone. I spent half an hour in a panicky drug-fueled haze tearing through the piles of clothes and whatnot in her room. Couldn't find the fucker.

Two days later, my friend walks in holding my journal. Guess where she found it. Guess.

Under her father's pillow.

Shudder.
(Exempt OH WOW, VICODIN, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 3:16, Reply)

ive read anne franks
haha.... shes dead
( executiverocker only wears C&A, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 2:53, Reply)

x was a little strange
Now, I'm all for parents forcing their religion on kids. It's a natural process; what was shit for us is now shit for you.

Plus the Catholic guilt.

The boy was a born-again. His family, born-agains. The rules were born-again. Strict and ruthlessly secretive. He didn't drink, poor lad, or smoke [well, not a bad thing] but he kept house with his ladyfriend.

His ladyfriend, within my group of friends. They were often unhappy, or happy, or fighting or just plain rosy. Never knew what mood he was in. Weird kid.

The diary? Oh, right. Well, through my ladyfriend's bestest friend [also in my group of friends] i discovered that the lad kept a diary of day to day happenings. Nothing too unusual, you might think.

Except he kept score on everything people said to him. Ever. Ever. EVER.

There were, as to be expected, some comically sexually explicit entries. In fact, most of them were. And pertaining to his friends who were my friends etc.

I don't think anyone wants to know about how he'd like to cross-dress in some pseudo-psychological fantasy involving something a girl said to him. Or that he was erring on the repressed homosexual side.

He'll be teaching PE to high school kids in a few years - i await the Daily Mail spread (ho ho!).

No apologies for length or girth, because it always goes unnoticed anyways.
(Schumann makes awesome quiches., Fri 2 Feb 2007, 2:29, Reply)

When I moved into my current residence
the former tenant had abandoned under the matress some soft porn of a distinctly gay variety.
Nothing explicit, but all airbrushed and that, very much 'glamour' photos.
Two months later, he moved back in and now lives in the room next door to mine.
He voluntarily watches Big Brother, X-Factor, High School Musical and other things I find utterly vile.
He listens to Abba, latin American pop and dance music at an unsociable volume while I'm trying to get some work done.
Also, he often spends 45 minutes in the shower and wears scarves indoors.
But he appears to have endeared himself very much to a fairly new and not unattractive female housemate... should I tell her or not? Decisions, decisions!

Of course, there's a good chance she's turned on by that sort of thing and likes to watch two shaved jocks rutting the fuck out of each other, but still....
And yes, I know it's not about diaries, but it's about things he probably wouldn't want me to see.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 2:06, Reply)

I had a best friend when I was about 14.
I was staying at her house one night, and she had to leave the room to make a phone call/ take a shower or something. I saw her diary, and decided to have a read. The whole thing was about me - about how worried she was about me (I was going through a bout of depression), and how she wanted me to know how much she loved me. There were also details of some rather risque dreams she'd had about me, which took me by surprise, as I had no idea she thought of me like that at that point.

I never saw her in the same way, and I'm so disappointed in myself for invading her privacy - as it ruined what could have been a life-long friendship.
(Don Diasco, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 0:56, Reply)

Not really read anybody else's diary
But my diary has been read by others... I accidently left it round a friend's house (in 1997 I think), and he came up to me the next day and asked me why I'd written that his girlfriend had dumped him, but no one was remotely surprised. Cue much grovelling. There really was no way to recover from that major faux pas.
I also wrote prodigious amounts (in the same diary) about a girl I had a minor obsession with, and about half a year later, a girl I went out with read my diary whilst I was out at work. She wanted to know why there were pages and pages of heartache written over some strange bint, and not a word written about her. "It's because I'm happy with you, and I was miserable about her" I replied. Was that a good recovery? I have my suspicions to this day. I'm still single a decade later if that's any measure of it.
( ZoomZoom, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 0:16, Reply)

Not a diary, but
talk of poetry reminds me that for a while last year I had a habit, when getting back to my room after a night of drinking, of writing brilliant little bits of Haiku about my admiration/irritation regarding my friends and acquaintances. These were usually written in bouts of extreme anger or frustration, and thus contained a fair ammount of swearing, and a lot of stuff that was mostly the drink talking.

Fun though they were, I came across them one day whilst cleaning (and sober) and made the incredibly wise decision to get rid of them. I could forsee a friend or family member finding them and a whole world of embarrassment resulting. The fact that you'd need to be a certified cryptographist to make sense of my drunken handwriting is beside the point.

I will however, share just one with you, entitled simply 'Emma'

She can make me smile
But is also annoying
For God's sake woman.

Hardly award-winning stuff now is it?
(Uncle Comrade, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 23:54, Reply)

I had a friend who used to keep a dream diary...
so he could remember his dreams and stuff. Apparently a lot of the time he would wake up in the night, write in his dream diary, then go back to sleep. When he woke up the next time, he would quite frequently have no recollection of waking up and writing in his diary.

So one night when I stayed at his gaff, I waited 'til he was asleep, then induced a nosebleed (something I've been able to do for as long as I can remember) and scrawled "SATAN PLEASE LIBERATE ME FROM MY MEANINGLESS EXISTENCE" in his dream diary using my blood.

Unfortunately he woke up before I did, which is a shame. I woulda liked to have seen his face when he discovered it.

Edit: I've been informed that my story is actually quite a popular one online. I've been telling it for the last 10 years. Seems it "caught on." Fuckers.
bash.org/?451603
( MarkyH feels like the H in Bob Hoskins' name, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 23:44, Reply)

weird kid at school
probably would of went better a few weeks ago but anyway.... this kid writes poetry, and is a little on the weird side... with current perversions including a weird love of comics and a girl in school who despises him.
so this week we went on the website he posts his "poems" on, and found 2 dodgy poems... one being erotic to the point where the teachers eyes pop out... and the other indirectly declaring his bisexuality (something bout king arthur and his lance, work it out yourself)

cunny funt

hurry up frank! cant wait to read this one
(Adam Mack, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 23:28, Reply)

just remembered
not a diary, but i used to live in london, and once when in brum visiting the family, i crashed in my younger brothers room, he stayed at his girlfriends.
being the nosy bitch that i am, i spotted a jar next to his bed with little folded bits of paper in
i of course looked, and to my horror, found a little game that my little bro had been playing with missus
Example:
Tickle peter
Suck peter(yes his parts were called peter *shudder*)
as they got more graphic i had to stop as i was getting very wrong images!

length? fuck it im drunk
(kellogg going slowly insane, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 23:25, Reply)

I read my little brother's text messages a couple of years ago
Most were from his girlfriend, asking if she could "meet Bruce" again. Yes, my brother's nicknamed his boy-parts "Bruce". I would've left them in eace if they were older, but as she was 13 at the time and he was 14, I felt obligated to take the piss out of it as much as possible. Even to the point that when we got a new dog I suggested the name Bruce.

Length? He's my brother, how would I know?
(EasilyRecognisable I’m back baby, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 23:17, Reply)

Weston Super Mare
I was young. And impressionable. So I watched Harriet the Spy and went "woo, I'm going to write a diary and bring it with me everywhere! Including school!"

Obviously, I lost it, it was found and read, oddly parallelling the film up to this point.

Unfortunately, I'd revealed a rather odd habit for me: whenever someone said "Weston-Super-Mare" I'd burst out laughing. For no reason. This was at the time, uncontrollable. And incredibly irritating, because I'd have no strength to hit the person who just said it.

This meant I had to endure at least 3 years of boys yelling out "Weston-Super-Mare".

So, if any members of the generation above mine ever heard that yelled by people in school uniform, you'll now know why.
(mmmm curry doesn't really understand this sig lark, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 23:07, Reply)

glad i looked
I hacked into my ex's e-mail to find various sex sites and that he was cheating on me! YAY for me!!!!!

tosser
(kellogg going slowly insane, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 22:59, Reply)

Wiggledance
Why would you click the pictures link? Why?
( JimmyD I let my best ideas go to waste, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 22:31, Reply)

Not a diary but an interesting history.
My mother went out one day to the shops, like a normal mother would do. She didn't sign off the PC as she is practically computer illiterate, like a normal mother is. I looked through her history and saw she has visited some very mundane games sites, featuring things like solitaire, games a normal mother would play.

I also saw and then proceeded to click on a site which had 'swingers' in the URL, surely she had clicked on it by mistake, this is not a normal mother like thing to do?!. I was the only one that was mistaken. Handily her username and password filled themselves in automatically so I proceeded to look around, her inbox greeted me with such delights that the memories have been erased for my mind forever. I did find out that she likes anal, oral sex, voyeurism, s+m but is not into waterplay.

Then I saw it..that tiny link, the link that would scar me forever, it read 'Pictures'. Cue me staring at my size 20 mother in latex and a small forest....*shudders*. I viewed a variety of pictures including one of her with household objects placed where they should not be placed.



Kill me.
( Wiggle nom, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 22:24, Reply)

Not exactly a diary
But other peoples most private conversations.

I currently work in a pub where we have walkie talkies to buzz barstaff when food is ready(I'm a kitchen monkey). Just up the road is a "health retreat" run by some fairly odd people. Often they somehow end up on our channel as they keep rotating theres for some unknown reason. We often hear the receptionist flirting with the grounds keeper and other innocent things. Nothing really bad but annoying for waitresses when they're trying to serve food and someone is hitting on the customer from their pockets.

One evening my boss was doing the rota or something in the office and had a walkie talkie on her in case she was needed. One of the womens voices comes on with something like "...Dave... you there... I've run a bath I was wondering if you'd like to join me..."
The conversation progresses further but my boss refrained from giving me details. At first she was in a state of shock at what she was hearing but then she got some balls and picked up the walkie talkie and said "Alright if I join you?"
The Health center stay off our channel now.

Sorry for length for such a little story but my mental image of their faces takes me to my happy place
(Monkeyofspong, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 22:07, Reply)

Support your local Dyslexic
My diary come in bottles marked Unigate.

Is there something I'm missing here?

B*llox to length and girth, it all gets stuffed there in eventually.
(johnhee, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 21:11, Reply)

i want to read the diary of our admin girl
As we have just found out that she has been systematically embezzling the accounts for the last few years, taking several hundred pounds a week! didn't suspect a bloody thing!! Honest, you couldn't write it!

anyway, she's been handed over to the police so I can't say much about it, but I want to read her diaries from the last few years and any she writes in prison.
(downhill without brakes . It was the worst day of my life, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 21:05, Reply)

Accidentally On Purpose
While helping out with the family spring clean, my mate discovered a box which he found was full of his mum's old diaries. Rather than put it back he 'inadvertantly' knocked it onto the floor, spilling them everywhere. Furthermore he 'mistakenly' leafed through them as he was putting them back in the box hoping to find some juicy family related gossip.

What he in fact discovered was that he and two of his brothers were unplanned 'accidents'. God does indeed have a wicked sense of irony.
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Thu 1 Feb 2007, 21:04, Reply)