Everybody Get Up Sing It!!
After a night out I stopped off at Tesco and Five's Greatest Hits had just been released.......I bought it.....Why!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?
(ceejaytee, Fri 11 Apr 2014, 16:19, 3 replies)

Not Ebay....
A few years ago I was completely wasted, then on the way back from the pub, I went to the 24 hour Tesco's which happened to be on route. I got an all day breakfast sandwich and a bottle of Pepsi.

Crazy or what?
( Muns, Fri 11 Apr 2014, 16:02, 3 replies)

I was refused entry to Moomin World in Finland
after a boozy lunch in the Naantali sunshine. They're canny though, the old Finns, because rather than call security on the loutish Brit with the loud voice they simply steered me away from the hordes of vulnerable children and towards the gift shop.

Ten years later I am still giving away Moomin branded tat. If anyone wants a small t-shirt or a pair of slippers, drop me a line.

I am keeping the towel though; it's adorable. And barely has any sick on it.
( pineapplecharm D d M Y, H:i, Fri 11 Apr 2014, 15:36, 2 replies)

The evils of gastropubs
At the end of the road on which I used to live there was a traditional pub. It wasn’t the most earth-shatteringly amazing pub in the world, but it was handy when you wanted to be able to go out for a few jars and know that home was two hundred metres away. After I’d lived there for about a year, they sold out to some ghastly gastropub chain, which wasted no time in stripping down all the seasoned wood and replacing it with enough glass and burnished steel to rebuild Docklands.

Just to give it the benefit of the doubt, I did go there one night to see what they had to offer. The real ales had been replaced by whichever Eurolagers were trending at the time, but at least they had weißbier. They also had a range of dishes involving rocket, cracked sea salt and sun-dried tomatoes, and it was early summer so I had a poncey salad. The chemical interaction between alcohol and bruschettas was beginning to react, and I started thinking what a shame it was that I never cooked anything really adventurous at home.

Several pints of weißbier later, I returned to the flat and fired up the internet, determined to stock up on the most exotic and gourmet ingredients. Hark, what Amazon from yonder Windows breaks? Is that organic sea salt I see? Better get a whole fucking 1.5 kg bucket of it for all the haute cuisine I’m going to be making from now on. Let’s see…what else can I add to my magical basket of mail-ordered superfluousness? It’s summer now; what if, rather than jetting off somewhere expensive and sunburny, I actually got a paddling pool for the garden and invited my mates round? Brilliant! We’ll have barbecues and beers and there’ll be girls in bikinis (with a bit of luck), and paddling pools aren’t that expensive. Proceed to check-out, no gift-wrapping, enter card details, bed.

I was jolted awake the next morning by the sober light of day and was struck by the cold, hard realisation that there was no place in my life for either a bucket of salt or a pool. Twitching and gibbering with rage at having thrown my hard-earned money away, I threw a massive attention-seeking hissy fit on my favourite message board on the other side of the world.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Fri 11 Apr 2014, 15:31, 8 replies)

My wife purchased a vegetarian cookery book.
Fuck knows what was going through her head, I can only assume she was pissed at the time.
( Muns, Fri 11 Apr 2014, 15:23, Reply)

Long story short
I bought something while drunk.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 11 Apr 2014, 13:58, 9 replies)

my mate one bought a house in Greece during an afternoon on the lash
It cost about five grand. Probably worth about eighteen pence now. And his name isn't even Albert.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 11 Apr 2014, 12:29, Reply)

I won Bruce Forsyth's skull.
Thought it wisest not to ask how it had been obtained.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 11 Apr 2014, 12:22, 1 reply)

Whilst incredibly drunk once I lost a bit of self control.
I spent a fortune on dental products on Ebay.
I then went out and ate a hideous kebab.
I insulted the man serving me with some disgusting language.
The man then punched me in the teeth.
I was then sick.

Long story short, I was too pissed for my own mouth.
(The Magic Number is neither magic nor a number, Fri 11 Apr 2014, 11:15, Reply)

Mail order bride
Well, not really. Someone once asked if my (obviously forrin) wife was a mail-order bride, so I told them "Yes. In fact I found her on eBay".

Unexpectedly, they totally believed me, and left that night still believing it. They must have told others, as we still get asked if it's true many years later...
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Fri 11 Apr 2014, 11:07, 4 replies)

Woke up skint after a night out , next day I went into my cupboard and found a Barbie tea set and vaguely remembered a charity auction at the pub . Feckle-doodle-do .
(Helikaon, Fri 11 Apr 2014, 10:33, 1 reply)

Had a few beers last week, bought some chips on the way home.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 11 Apr 2014, 9:46, 8 replies)

OH MY GOD
STOP USING OLD QOTW!
(bumless The man with the hole in the middle, Fri 11 Apr 2014, 9:23, Reply)

I must be old
I just wasted 15 minutes trying to think of a funny story about being pissed in a supermarket.
(lurkylurklurk swings more, Fri 11 Apr 2014, 8:22, 4 replies)

It wasn't ebay, but
around 10 years ago, the ex wife had been out to one of her many girl's nights out. She staggered upstairs extremely drunk to find me similarly pished, sat on my PC. I can't remember exactly what I was doing, probably playing Dopewars, or looking at ebaumsworld, or some other thing that people did back before the internet filled up with douchebags. A night chucking down red aftershock and vodka had rendered me in a fit enough state to consider a bit of drunken bonking, which after a mere 3 years of marriage was probably the only kind of shagging that remained even slightly sexy, so I retired to the boudoir... my ex, however, had suddenly become interested in the internet and was farting around looking at online shops. I have no idea how she resisted my manly charms, but as I lay waiting for her to come to bed, I inevitably conked out. When I woke up the next day, she was up before me as usual and life went on as normal.

Normal, that is, until the following tuesday, when the postman knocked on the door. He had a parcel that wouldn't fit in the letter box. I took it in, it was addressed to the ex so I gave her it and her face immediately went red as the memories rushed back.

Yes. It was one of them.

'The Jelly Green Giant' was the name on the box. It looked like the incredible hulk's arm, complete with realistically rendered veins. Whoever it was modelled on was obviously some kind of a genetic freak, even if their's wasn't made of transparent green rubber.

It was not particularly useful for the job it was supposed to do. Remember, the thing didn't fit in the letter box, so fitting it in my ex's box was only marginally easier. It mainly lived in a drawer, where it would glare ominously at me whenever I went for some socks.

I remember having a plan to plant it in the front garden for all the neighbours to see when we split up, but the locks were changed before I could do it. Probably for the best, if it had toppled over it could have squashed a small child.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Fri 11 Apr 2014, 5:16, 19 replies)

Woke up with the laptop next to me in bed, and several shopping sites still displayed on the screen.

Over the next few days I was presented with a game called 'penguin pile up', a giant gummy bear, a functional ex-soviet gas mask and a multi tool. I wish I knew what my drunk self was planning to construct from that array of objects.
(rikku_dreamer, Fri 11 Apr 2014, 0:51, 3 replies)

Bought my Welsh girlfriend
a massive photo of Barry John.
( Jimminy_rickets was at Grills Gone Wild on, Fri 11 Apr 2014, 0:32, 4 replies)

I bought Teddy Sherringham for 5 million
2am championship manager along with a lot of larger was a shit idea. All my careful planning was ruined as I woke to find all my money blown on a 38 year old Sherringham who just to top it off, retired a month later.
(snarf81, Fri 11 Apr 2014, 0:31, 2 replies)

I was drunk once and bought a breathalyzer on Amazon
I forgot I bought it, but when it showed up, it was somewhat sobering.
(drunksteve is not drunk, Thu 10 Apr 2014, 23:39, Reply)

My younger brother
got really pissed, went on the internet when he got in, and then forgot all about it. Over the course of the following fortnight, he received around a dozen parcels. Inside each one was the rear badge from an Austin Allegro.
(cs1ca, Thu 10 Apr 2014, 21:45, 4 replies)

I got pissed on Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters
whilst out on the lash with, oh, some Sontarans, and I drunkenly bought a

M A S S I V E
J A R

of PICKLED ONIONS.

Oh WHAT DO DO with them. WHAT TO DO.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Thu 10 Apr 2014, 21:36, 8 replies)

I spent $2500 on a dinner with Sarah Palin
when for an eight, a six pack of coors light and some pampers i could have knobbed her daughter
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Thu 10 Apr 2014, 21:17, Reply)

i once got my dick out in tesco and got asked to leave by the security guard
i wasn't drunk
( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Thu 10 Apr 2014, 21:04, 2 replies)

Got drunk. Bought a Thai bride.
Embarrassing. I hate women and foreigners.
(Andrew Avetoom, Thu 10 Apr 2014, 20:56, 4 replies)

I'm a bit sunburned.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 10 Apr 2014, 19:27, 13 replies)

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 10 Apr 2014, 19:16, Reply)

I bought a shed once
Why the fuck do we bother having a suggestions thread when alcoholic nonces just pull this shit out of their arse?
( Peej, Thu 10 Apr 2014, 18:56, 2 replies)

Went to a large car boot sale in sussex after an all night party still tripping on 2ci
The first thing I bought was a pair of sunglasses. I then proceeded to buy pop-up-pirate, A toy koala in a basket, a clown that sort of drives itself around erratically with a red led flashing light inside a balloon on a spring...Good times
( Glovington, Thu 10 Apr 2014, 18:37, 2 replies)

The things I buy ...
... when I'm sober are bad enough.
(uncle_bud is not the jelly roll king., Thu 10 Apr 2014, 18:24, Reply)