Catterick in Autumn
Can't verify the veracity of this one as the chap who told me it is a notorious teller of tall tales, however, I'm inclined to believe it.

Princess Anne is the Colonel in Chief of the Royal Corps Of Signals, and was visiting Catterick to inspect the troops. For days the appropriate barracks were aswarm with soldiers cleaning, brushing and painting. Our tale teller, along with one or two others, was charged with sweeping up all the leaves which had fallen from the trees.

On her journey into the barracks, Anne is supposed to have said how much she enjoyed seeing Catterick in the Autumn, all the colours of the fallen leaves and the like. This was urgently communicated to the powers that be, who ordered all the leaves that had been swept up to be scattered beneath the trees again.

On a seperate note, my daughter was picked to be in a line-up to meet Prince Phillip when he visited her company. She was a fairly lowly member of staff and not at all important and apparently was only picked because HRH has a penchant for attractive young ladies.
(lardyboy Next stop, Fissplap Central, Wed 9 Aug 2006, 14:53, Reply)

I met two members of the Tongan Royal Family

They were surprisingly abrasive. Some people have even suggested that they might not have been royal at all. But the man clearly said "Yeah an' I'm the fuckin King of Tonga mate".


(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Wed 9 Aug 2006, 14:13, Reply)

jane asher
at my first year at middle school (aged 9) we had a school fete and Jane Asher was to make an appearance.

None of us new who the hell she was, and so wasnt that bothered,

...that was until our teacher told us she was royalty and was looking for a princess!

Thus getting our attention!

On the big day, all us girls lined up to meet her and get her autograph. She was suprissed that we all wanted to meet her!

found out later that day the truth. I 'acidently lost / set fire to' the autograph she gave me! shame that..
(chixor, Wed 9 Aug 2006, 13:59, Reply)

i nearly walked into charles and camilla the other week
they were walking the opposite way out of a cow shed at the great yorkshire show.

that is all.
( swaza I'm bad, I'm bad. You know it. I'm bad., Wed 9 Aug 2006, 13:52, Reply)

lord of vodafone
I once worked in a call centre for a couple of months as a customer service advisor who helped people figure out how to use their mobile phones.

I dealt with many strange people, but not as strange as some guy insisting I call him Lord 'Williams' (williams not his real name).

So I says "how can I help you today Lord Williams"?

he complains that he's had to replace the battery on his new mobile phone 4 times so far!

I says "thats doesnt sound right" and ask him many technical questions to try and get down to the problem.

eventually it dawns on me that he hadnt been charging the battery when it was flat, but was simply just replacing the battery!!

F**k Wit.
(chixor, Wed 9 Aug 2006, 13:48, Reply)

'the moron' indeed
Apart from your own, just one in the last 50 posts (and quite probably more) features the phrase 'I digress'.

I'm wondering if you had some childhood trauma you associate with Ronnie Corbett's monologues.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Aug 2006, 13:31, Reply)

Awful Weather...
Back last year I was given the task (as part of a charity representative do-darr that I was) to introduce Princess Anne to a group of 16-25 year olds.

Now i'd been given the chat..

"Call her Mam"
"Nod your head, not your whole fucking back"

and last but not least

"Don't mention the bloody dogs"

But not the immortal "Wait to be spoken to before speaking".

So there we are - she askes me what im doing in my real life so we talk slightly about being a student - Im thinking the words AS'es and A2's mean absolutly nothing to that woman due to the gormless "I have no fucking clue what youre talking about" face she pulled.

Anymahoosa, I introduce her round these little horseshapped groups of people I decide that I should make conversational chit-chat.

Putting on my best "Im not really from Dudley, Honest" voice I make a comment about the torrental rain followed by blinding sun followed by torrental rain that had plighted the day.

"Awful weather today don't you think ma?"

And she just looks at me, looks at me as if Ive just killed her dog or shoved a cucumber up my ass and started singing "I hate Royality and down with Government" (the unreleased song by Blue).

"Yes...Indeed. April Showers Don't you know"

And then she storms off - thinking shes holier than thou...

I mean, seriously, who does she thing she is? The Queen's Daughter or something...



pfft.
( Grinned2Death knows what Willis was talking about, Wed 9 Aug 2006, 12:23, Reply)

completely off topic..
But I've just found out I got my mate fired from his Job in a call centre thanks to my emails full of jokes from the sick jokes book. not only that but I was indirectly involved in half a dozen other firings due to him forwarding them. In his words: 'well done mcdanger, you managed to deeply offend everyone with children, all the women, the metally retarded and the gays.'
So pats on the back all round people, we have increased the unemployment levels in nottingham substantially! anyone whos out of work, I hear they are now hiring at the sky call centre...
apparently the huntley jokes went down a right storm too
(luckymcdanger, Wed 9 Aug 2006, 12:08, Reply)

Phoning Buck House
Never met a royal before, but spoke to their flunkies at Buckingham palace several times while working as a telephone operator: inevitably having reverse-charge calls (that's "collect" to you Mer'kans) politely but firmly refused.
Respect due, unwanted calls from the great unwashed to the number were quite regular, but the number remained the same for the 3.5 years I did the job.
(kiki chunt now available in blank, Wed 9 Aug 2006, 11:25, Reply)

i digress, i digress, i digress, i digress, i digress, i digress, i digress, i digress, i digress, i digress, i digress, i digress, i digress, i digress, i digress, i digress, i digress, i digress, i digress, i digress, i digress, i digress, i digress,
this phrase is causing me physical pain as it's in nearly every fucking post but i digress, the royal family are a bunch of cunts. yes even that one who gave you a blow job in tesco's car park.

edit:"monty boyce" if that is your real name. that's because everyone who used it realised that I'm right and thoughtfully edited it out.
Go on, prove me wrong. I dare you.
(you FUCKING *BANG* BANG*BANG* AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!, Wed 9 Aug 2006, 11:22, Reply)

Prince Edward

is a very popular figure in my house.

Such phrases as

"Who's left a Prince Edward in the toilet"
"Check your shoes, have you walked a Prince Edward in?"
"Change the channel, this Hollyoaks is absolute Prince Edward"
"Whoever's farted better get themself to the toilet before they Prince Edward themself"

have become part of the Queens language for me and my family.
(Lt Columbo, Wed 9 Aug 2006, 1:11, Reply)

Prince William stole my job
I had just finished a Masters course & was desperate to get work experience on a research project called Shoals of Capricorn, based somewhere idyllic in the Indian Ocean. They were studying marine plankton ecology out there, and I had just received a distinction for my 6-month MSc project all about marine plankton ecology. My MSc group was a small one, so I have little reservation in saying I was probably the best qualified graduate in the country for the position. I am also a qualified SCUBA diver.

They turned me away, saying they wanted ‘someone better qualified’. Imagine my surprise then, when 4-weeks later, an 18-year old Prince William got the position as part of his Gap Year. He was the perfect candidate – the Sun newpaper told me – ‘because of his A-level geography qualification’.

But I’m not bitter. No, wait! Yes I am.
(daytripper, Wed 9 Aug 2006, 0:36, Reply)

I might get some historical jargon wrong, but
My Great Grandmother, as a child, was an official non-royal friend of the Tsars children of the Russian Royal Family, just before the Russian Revolution. I am led to believe she survived, while the royals were all killed.
(Arsenic, Fri 13 Jul, 2:73 and, Wed 9 Aug 2006, 0:35, Reply)

Prince William naked
I saw Prince William naked once. My school swam against his school. He had a very small penis. But then again he was only 13 at the time and it could be down to shrinkage.

Oh I probably should add that is was not a naked swimming match, it was in the changing rooms afterwards (obviously).

My penis is large and powerful.
(veniceboy lives in California, Wed 9 Aug 2006, 0:07, Reply)

HRH The Duke of Kent
A month or so ago I was at a fairly posh lawyer-type dinner. This particular evening was fairly special, as instead of being relegated to separate ends of the hall, the Benchers and the students were seated amongst each other. This not only results in a massive amount of brown-nosing (hey, everyone wants to be liked by the Judge) but also a significantly improved menu for us students.

I’d been to one of these events about 6 months before and managed to avoid talking to anyone able to help my career, so I wasn’t too hopeful this time. Lo and behold, I was sat on the furthest edge of the “main” table, completely surrounded by other students equally determined to out-drink the benchers.

Just as the first course was served, the Butler (no, really) comes up, grabs my place card and tells me to follow. “Zeppelin” methinks, “I’m about to be kicked out of the hall for wearing the wrong cut of robes”. I’m taken to the centre of the table, where the Butler swaps my card with that of an empty seat and almost forces me into the chair.

So, as you do, I introduce myself to my immediate neighbours. Opposite: female student from a rival school, right: a professor from Queen Mary Uni, left: an old gent, very polite but didn’t quite catch his name when I introduced myself (by first name, of course).

It’s only some time later that I glance over at this rather sweet old gent’s place-card and spot the tell-tale HRH at the top. Trying to discreetly peep over his shoulder I can just about make out “Prince Edward, Duke of Kent” below.

Obviously, it would have helped a lot if we hadn’t shared the same first name. So…I met the Queen’s cousin, shook hands and greeted him “Hello, Edward”…and managed to avoid calling him “your highness” for the entire evening (wasn’t too sure if I was supposed to…I was).

We had a good chat about the plight of student lawyers these days, the highlight of which was Rival Girl asking his majesty “So, are you a lawyer then?”. The treasurer’s (sat next to HRH) reaction was priceless…pity he couldn’t really swear in the company.
(nancyboy Oooh that tickles, Tue 8 Aug 2006, 23:14, Reply)

Let's see...
Played rugby against Prince Eddie (previously mentioned in a QOTW)

Encountered Prince Charles half way up Lochnagar. He was sitting doing a watercolour, and I chatted to his (rather bored) minder. Didn't actually speak to Chas, but he was within eatshot and I guess he didn't want to speak to this warm fish.

Fergie dropped in at "my" hotel to collect some Hooray Henrietta (to bugger of to the Craigendarroch, probably.)

But best of all, I shook Willie Miller's hand, and polished the UEFA Cup. True Royalty.
( Tepid_Halibut felt like a cold, empty shell of a human...until, Tue 8 Aug 2006, 22:31, Reply)

Prince Charles
So yeah.. My Mum and Dad go to Scotland to visit some relatives a few years back. They loved a good ramble they did, so with Scotland being a rambler's wet dream, with fields and sheep and stuff, they decide to spend an afternoon walking over a hill.

So anyway.. they're walking over this hill when who should come trotting into view but none other than Prince Charles, on a horse! He slows down, gives a hoity toity royal wave, what what, and actually stops to have a chat. Like, a real, actual conversation.

Can't recall what he said, probably something about the weather and, um.. scotland maybe. Anyway, he trotted off after a couple of minutes happy that he'd, like, 'connected' with some British people. However, for the following few weeks after they got back my Mum turned into Hyacinth Bucket from Keeping Up Appearances, convinced that Prince Charles was now a close friend of the family and casually dropping her encounter into conversation whenever she could. Thank God that phase is all over!
(BeardyMat, Tue 8 Aug 2006, 22:27, Reply)

Havent met any as such
but have listened in to a lot of their phonecalls
( BadBadman saw an incorrect comma placement on, Tue 8 Aug 2006, 22:11, Reply)

In the weeds
After I dropped out of university, I moved into a farmhouse north of town, about halfway to the airport. I did a little indoor farming myself there, and became enamoured with the lifestyle.

I began to enjoy the emptiness and quiet of the neighborhood. We were only 45 minutes from a small city in the wilderness British Columbia, Canada, but at certain times of the day, traffic ceased and one could feel all alone in the world.

I wore Salvation Army store clothes, and drove an old pickup. With the secrecy of my particular type of farming, I became a caricature of a backwoods yahoo.

One day, I was driving towards town on the highway, and had stopped at a red light waiting to turn left. I felt a little goofy waiting there as there was no one else on the road, but I wasn't in a hurry, and it would be just my luck to have a cop come over the hill just as I was running the light.

Then suddenly, a cop did come over the hill. He was riding a motorcycle at speed, and quickly slowed down to come to a stop right in front of me in the middle of the intersection. He signalled for me to stay where I was. Then another motorcycle cop sped by. Soon after, a large new black limosine cruised through the intersection against the light, which had changed.

I suddenly realised this was a high security VIP being escorted by the RCMP. It was an almost surreal situation to find myself in. I was totally alone on the road except for these cops and the limo, and it happened so fast.

It wasn't until after the limo sped by, with the passenger giving the royal wave to the non-existent crowd that I remembered that Prince Edward was in town for a visit.
(DeepBlue, Tue 8 Aug 2006, 21:03, Reply)

Pikey Princess Anne
I've been in the same vicinity as Princess Anne twice, once when my college's new halls were opened, and again when I worked for a museum. There was 7 years between these brief royal encounters. Both occasions she was wearing EXACTLY the same outfit. How totally pikey.
(Elizabeth Duke at Argos, Tue 8 Aug 2006, 20:23, Reply)

smoked a Superking once......
but it turned out to be a dirty Regal.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Tue 8 Aug 2006, 19:31, Reply)

My Dad's old troop leader in the QoY was the Duke of Westminster in Chester.
I've met him, and been to his house (Eaton Hall) It's fucking huge and it has a model train running through the gardens!
(David Fishwick Minibus Sales - notmad.co.uk, Tue 8 Aug 2006, 19:30, Reply)

Every day I wash the Crown Jewels...

(David Fishwick Minibus Sales - notmad.co.uk, Tue 8 Aug 2006, 19:29, Reply)

Shut me right up
My brother works for an exectutive waitering (waiting?) company and once Prince William said 'thanks mate' to brother Pixel as he cleared the table. I went around telling people that my brother was erm...friends...with Prince William until somone uttered the immortal words;

"Prince William's a twat".

I don't tell that story anymore.
(Pixel, Tue 8 Aug 2006, 19:08, Reply)

This saturday just gone, me mate Mark (who I aint seen for a few years) met the Queen.....
...who does that Lottery program thing on BBC1, asking questions and that. He lost £25,000 too on the last question lol.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Tue 8 Aug 2006, 18:58, Reply)

Let them eat cake
*end lurk mode*

As many others on this board I am also related royalty and have known the horror of tracing family trees althought his was back in the stone age when all family records were kept at Somerset House and due to the royal houses of Europe acting like its a big game of musical chairs it turns out I have a link to no less than 6 different thrones.
Cool but no thick wads of cash to go with it as some Hungarian countess decided to do a runner with a sailor and spawn my blighted branch.
But I digress.
My first real contact with royals came from the wedding of Charles (jug eared hippy) to Diana (neurotic and self obsessed slapper). Now my aunty lives out in the sticks in some posh village and one of her neighbours is a friend of Earl Spencer (father of said slapper) and so everyone in the village got a chunk of there wedding cake. Now apparently thats not unusual as the cake itself was huge and bits were sent to anyone who had ever wiped a royal backside etc. but me an 8 year old with an attitude this was pretty neat. The cake was slit up and each member of our family got a tiny bit to eat so I reckon i'm pretty unique on here as the only person to have eaten the royal cake that we peasants are supposed to munch our way through.
Now let me tell you that cake was absolutly ...

SHITE!!!!!

Honestly soreen malt loaf would have been better. I've never eaten such a bland tastless collection of bat droppings in my life and my deflated disgust at this turned me republican overnight. From that day it became my mission to repay the royal family for making me eat SHIT CAKE!

Spin time on a few years and I was at the paradise that was Alton Towers waiting for a ride on the enterprise when who should pop out the woodwork but the royal slapper with inbred progeny in tow. Well does she have to have to wait for an hour behind a stinking drunk Brummie to get 30 seconds of joy? Noooooooooo you just come right on in your royal legspreadersness and never mind the line.
well here was my chance and with all the anti royal bile I had been saving up I let rip an almighty "F*CKING LINE JUMPERS".
I got some stern looks from her bully boys but since I was surrounded by muttering and tanked up proles who were all thinking the same thing no action was taken.
So while I struck a blow for equality she ignored the incident (probably wondering if there were any carny types to nail behind a shed somewhere) but the two boys looked embarressed enough to die.

Result satisfactory.

Let that be a lesson royal scroungers....

NEXT TIME BETTER CAKE!



*reengage lurk mode*
(Ozwald, Tue 8 Aug 2006, 18:03, Reply)

Gibberish
Growing up in New Zealand, you tend to not encounter that many upper-class famous folk. And in a country where everyone pronounces things as 'Fush ind Chups' (for Fish & Chips) and 'Iggs' (when you mean Eggs), you tend to not get overly involved in foreign-speak. So anyway, Princess Anne is due to visit our school (which is a big deal for little ol' us in the back woods), so we're all read the do's and don'ts (like don't eye-ball the secret service - they don't like it, and dont pretend to 'reach' for anything in your pocket). Anyway, I'm sat at the back of the class thinking that if I'm one of the poor unfortunates that'll get spoken to, I'll need to mind all my P's and Q's. The door opens, two monkey's in black suits with wires hanging out of their ears come in, skope the place out and in comes HRH. The teacher walks up to greet/escort her through our humble classroom. As I'm sat at the back of the class, closest to the door, she zero's in on my direction and decides commence her 'meet and greet' with me.
'Faw, faw faw faw, faw-faw faw-faw faw?'
What the...? I'm thinking... What the hell was she on about?
'Faw-faw faw-faw faw?' she says.
Is she speaking English (I'm thinking)? I'm seeing her mouth move but hearing nothing but unitelligible mumbo-jumbo come out...
'Faw faw?' she queries....
She's speaking with such a posh accent I can't identify a single word coming out of her mouth! How do I answer without getting myself shot? I stall: 'Well, I er.... um... errrrrrrrr.... arrrrrr..... hmmmm.... errrrrrrrrrrr....'
She, blinks, looks somewhat confused and moves on.
I got blanked by royalty because my only response to some incomprehensible gibberish, was more of the same. And now if Princess Anne could cast her mind back to the royal visit of my school she'd feel a pang of pity for the poor retarded boy she once met in the back of a Physics Class.
(Simbo1, Tue 8 Aug 2006, 16:15, Reply)

poker
so diana, gianni versace and freddie mercury are all waiting to get into heaven.

st peter approaches them and says he is very sorry, but there is only room for one. each of them must prove his/her worthiness and the winner will be allowed in.

gianni versace said, "i gave things of beauty to the world."

freddie mercury said, "i entertained millions."

diana said nothing. instead, she pulled some evian out of her little bag, removed her underwear, squatted down, and washed her lady bits.

st peter applauded and let her straight in. he slammed the pearly gates shut in the disbelieving faces of the other two, who were clamouring to know why diana had been allowed in for that.

"don't you know," st peter called as he walked away, "that a royal flush will always beat a pair of queens?"

sorry...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 8 Aug 2006, 15:37, Reply)

Barging Camilla
My Housemate's parents barged Charles and Camilla out of their way while C+C were doing one of their god-awful meet the people wanderings in Borough Market last year....hmmm retireds are violent you know & Camilla apologised! hurrah!
(twiceydrinker hmmm is it pint time?, Tue 8 Aug 2006, 14:17, Reply)

Prang!
It's a few years ago now, but one time I was out driving and, embarrasingly, had a bit of a bump with Princess Di's car.

Not only was it embarrassing, but I wasn't insured either!

I've never driven out of Paris so quickly!
(fogbat, Tue 8 Aug 2006, 14:17, Reply)