My friend is royalty - well a total queen
Hello honree ! muah
(The_artist_formally_known_as_alz0r, Sat 5 Aug 2006, 2:02, Reply)

Dry humped by royalty
I had a fling with a minor member of the Royal family, back in the late 1980s. I was about 18 at the time.

We never consummated the romance fully, but he did dry hump me on the side of a hill on the Balmoral estate. Afterwards, he excused his behaviour by saying that all the fresh air must have gone to his head...

Until fairly recently, we exchanged Xmas cards, but I haven't heard from him for a couple of years.

He was my only titled boyfriend. I am now married to someone very common but who, at least, has managed to have take his trousers off before attempting sex with me...
(Pantyliner, Sat 5 Aug 2006, 1:10, Reply)

Princess Di
The Princess of Hearts was to open a new old folks centre in Byfleet. This was about 1984. It was to happen in the middle of the morning on a schoolday. We were told that anyone bunking off school to go and see the House of Windsor's future black sheep would be in considerable trouble. I chose to heed the headmaster's warning, attending double physics instead, and hence have no interesting royal-related anecdote to relate to my children or to internet message boards.
(se8card, Sat 5 Aug 2006, 0:14, Reply)

My mum............
.......shares a birthday with The King - January 8.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elvis_Presley
(veniceboy lives in California, Sat 5 Aug 2006, 0:01, Reply)

Twatted by Lord Snowdon
Royal Ascot, 1999: I'm on the inside of the course with all the great unwashed, the ones you don't see on TV. Thing is, Lord Snowdon was slumming it, in his suit, because we had a better view of the finish line from there. (The press gallery had an even better view, but he wasn't in there for some reason.)

So, it's a big race, we're all jostling for a place at the fence, his poncy Leica versus my working class Pentax. Well, he may have been near 70, but he'd been doing that for a lot longer than I had. He's bigger than me, and knows how to use his elbow. Ow!
( bnt what, me worry?, Fri 4 Aug 2006, 23:53, Reply)

The Queen Loves Swansea
She visited Swansea with His Royal Highness Phil of Germany a few years back. Once they got off the train, they boarded thier Royal bullet-proof-glass-wagon and paraded down High Street, passing a shop where I used to work in.

What with it not being everyday that the Queen passes the store, we all pile outside and are treated with Phil waving like mental at us, so we wave back. The Queen, however, can't really keep up with the happy smile side of things as she was too busy watching some tramps shitting in a hedge on the other side of the road.

Her gob-smacked face will remain in my memories forever.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 4 Aug 2006, 22:42, Reply)

I've never met a real person of royalty
but I do know a bloke named Gerrixxxx (that IS his name) who is an ENORMOUS QUEEN.

that count?
( Scoopzilla http://www.slapwatch.com now get to fuck, Fri 4 Aug 2006, 22:11, Reply)

Mainly second hand stories
My brother was in hall with Prince William in his 1st year, so I heard a few stories about him. The best one involved the Uni Sunday league, where I think he played left back for the Strokers (top division team natch). The guy playing directly against him was having an awful game and was losing his rag slightly. Now when HRH was in town occasionally you would see police in body armour or men in black wandering around going about their daily business, so whenever he was playing football you could see men in suits standing in the trees (obvious enough that they were there but not standing in the foreground). So when William starts hacking at this guy's ankles trying to win the ball he forgets that he's playing against the air to the throne and turns round and yells something along the lines of 'Fuck off you hacking little cunt' and is about to lamp him when all of a sudden the football pitch is surrounded by very serious men in black suits and there was a very long pause before the guy deliberated on the wisdom of following through with this threat.
The Prince was apparently quite embarassed about this. He was quite decent I'm told, but his friends were arseholes.
(thePontificator, Fri 4 Aug 2006, 21:27, Reply)

Singin' for royalty.
We in the National Barbershop Youth Chorus were comissioned to sing in a major charity concert at the Natural History Museum in London. It was a good laugh with all costs paid-for by the charity.
I travelled down by train with a mate of mine (another member) and it was a disaster, mostly due to his lack of organisation. We arranged to meet at Luton Station at 12.30 to get the 12.40 Midland Mainline. 12.30 came and went. I was getting worried at this point about navigating the city alone. a few calls later, I jump on a train and get off at Kings Cross when who should appear from the carriage behind me? Mr Disorganisation, shortly followed by his catchphrase "shit, where's my ticket???" We proceed to the rendez vous point and the immortal phrase was repeated at each and every station.
We arrive, warm-up and generally get ready. The time has come.
The guest list is excellent, including the likes of HM Queen Sylvia of Sweden, Crown Prince Abdullah Al Saud, Grand Duke and Duchess of Luxembourg etc etc. Shame the entire audience was crap and unresponsive.
Still, we got lashed afterwards and it was generally a good laugh.
(moffatt, Fri 4 Aug 2006, 21:00, Reply)

I once bought the Queen off eBay.
I bid £20.31 at the last minute and arranged for me to pick her up from the owners house.
So I drove down to london to a pokey east-end flat. I found the guy's door and knocked. He asked me through the letterbox who I was. I replied that I was Ross and had recently purchased the Queen.
The chap then unbolted the door. and lead me inside. He took the Queen out of the cupboard and handed her over, assuring me that she was now my property and he had no legal responsibility over her.

So I took her home and things went OK for a while. We would have tea and biscuits every afternoon and I would occasionally take the bag off her head so she could make pretend speeches. Oh the fun we had.
I used to take her on long walks in the countryside and we'd have a great time. She would tire often but I would always stop and wait for her to catch her breath again.

Then one day I thought it was safe to let her off her leash. She instantly made a break for it. I tried to catch her but tripped over a rock.

I never saw her again.

Disclaimer: Event may truly be based upon fiction.
( Butters and his titanium codsocket, Fri 4 Aug 2006, 20:03, Reply)

princess margret, or anne....the one that is still alive
i met a year or so back. i was dressed up as a member of the gentry from around the time of the battle of trafalgar in a historical recreation scene at the international festival of the sea in portsmouth. anyway, she came down to see things, and she came over to say hello to me and this girl i was supposed to be marrying in this little reinactment. she then proceded to talk to the girl about my facial hair, which i think was a pair of long sideburns and a little jazzpatch, and concluded with saying 'well, i certainly wouldnt like to kiss him, good luck'.

nice one your highness, you certainly made my day with your pleasant manner! but i diddnt come away feeling too bad, by the end of the week the girl i was with had cheated on her boyfriend with me, so yah boo sucks to you, your maj, she was only too happy to dish out a few kisses. you cunt!
(justjuice, Fri 4 Aug 2006, 20:01, Reply)

Charlie
I met Prince Charles a few months ago, we talked about 'cellos and saxophones. He was quite pleasant and enjoyed the nice spread.
(Lozhead, Fri 4 Aug 2006, 19:46, Reply)

Were all related
Indecisivephotogirl and Miharu - Robert the Bruce's wife was Isobel of Mar, daughter of Donald Earl of Mar.

How awfully DULL it is to be royal. HIghlight of my day is when the corgi craps on the Persian Rug.
(Peelmytangerines, Fri 4 Aug 2006, 19:41, Reply)

Miharu
I am indeed. Cool.
(and now for someone completely different, Fri 4 Aug 2006, 18:56, Reply)

Indecisivephotogirl
Hey,are you really decsended from William the Conquerer or was that just an example? If youre are,so am I. That would make us related..
(Miharu, Fri 4 Aug 2006, 18:53, Reply)

Family tree research
is very boring when your parents are constantly nicking your laptop to update their trees and going on about it constantly etc.

It's interesting when you find out that you're descended from William the Conqueror and that your ancestors were the Earls of Mar and possibly Scottish royalty. I can't remember the exact details but considering there is a place in Scotland named after us (Erskine), it's probably all true.

It's also interesting that when you go further down the tree (down to the proles like us) and find out that your parents have a common ancestor, making me, possibly technically, inbred. Woo!
(and now for someone completely different, Fri 4 Aug 2006, 18:34, Reply)

where I used to live in Sydney

There was a man who called himself 'King William - King of Australia'.

He used to put up royal proclamations near the train station, which were written in texta on lined paper. They included what was presumably his royal symbol, and a declaration about how the Premier should do something about aircraft noise.

I suggested we should form the Loyal Knights of King Richard, but this didn't happen.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 4 Aug 2006, 18:10, Reply)

I am royalty - well kind of
I recently became interested in my family tree and started doing some research.

Amazing what you can find out on-line - illegitimate kids, shotgun weddings, unknown adoptions - all good family dirt.

Anyways. It turns out that I'm 100% verifiably descended from Robert the Bruce - the bad guy in Braveheart. And he's the grandson of Henry III of England. And after that they're all related to eachother from shagging their cousins and siblings.

If anybody would like a poo, it's 20 squid. I do take orders, but it may be a couple of days between deliveries.
(Peelmytangerines, Fri 4 Aug 2006, 17:43, Reply)

Fine Wines of the Prince of Wales
At the sprightly age of 13 I met Prince Charles after some charity work our school had done - was quite a sweet day, all expenses paid trip to London, free meal, free hotel, and of course the chance to meet HRH. Only thing was, I was just turning into a bit of a cheeky rebel, and the Prince came to our table just after I'd sampled the non-alcoholic wine. To which I said to him "Here, yer wine's pish man, there's nae alcohol in it".

He just chuckled and I got a detention.
(mcgandhi doesn't like flange, Fri 4 Aug 2006, 17:25, Reply)

The Queens poo - Part two
Maybe you could fashion the turd into a piece of neckware. Then you could pay enough dosh to the government and get a knighthood.

When you get knighted HM will obviously, seeing as she has to make a comment about you, gesture towards your strange bit of bling and will ask:

'That's an interesting necklace. What is it?'

You can reply:

'Your Majesty. It is one of your turds.'
(kevon45uk, Fri 4 Aug 2006, 16:57, Reply)

The Queen's Poo
Right, I heard this story off a friend of mine who swears it's true, though I reckon it's a blatant urban legend.

Apparently my friend's friend was in the Navy when the Queen decided to pop onto the boat he was working on for a nose about. Now as we all know Her Maj has to have a special toilet should she need to answer the call of nature which no-one else is allowed to use. My friend's friend was given the job of preparing this particular creper, and did what we would all do under the circumstances: unscrewed the pipe and inserted a stocking in order to catch a royal mudshark.

Queenie came, and duly Queenie went. And then left. Returning to his post, friend-of-friend discovered he had been successful. The Queen's movement was successfully extracted, dried out, varnished and allegedly takes pride of place on f-o-f's mantlepiece...

My nearest brush with Her Vagesty was on the Strand (where I work). I was halfway across the road when a troupe of old bill on motorbikes cut off all the traffic. Duly, a moment later Phil and Liz were driven right past me in one of their official Bentleys. 'Twas quite odd to see such an icon at such close quarters (less than 6 feet away) even for a diehard republican like myself.

Perhaps I should have told her that my friend's friend possesses her turd. But you lot will have to do instead (unless she reads B3TA of course)

HUGE cock.
(keeferreefer, Fri 4 Aug 2006, 16:42, Reply)

UK loves the Royals
You know, I've been reading this thread quite avidly and it has just occurred to me that for a QOTW that only started yesterday there are six pages of replies. This could be one of the most popular QOTWs yet. I reason that this is because, although most people I know are avowed republicans we are besotted by the royals.

My mum and dad work for charities - I mean have actual jobs in charities, not do a Fun Run every now and again - and my dad has met HM twice and commented on how small she is. My mum has met Princess Anne and said she was 'very forthright in her opinions' and the only conclusion I can come up with is that we are a surly bunch of subjects who while resenting the wealth and privilege of the royal family actually love it and would be devastated if it came to an end.

It's amazing.

So, let's not be a republic. We need these people.

And can I come to your next garden party, please Mrs. Windsor? I could do a Brian May and play riffs from Pop Will Eat Itself's back catalogue.
(kevon45uk, Fri 4 Aug 2006, 16:40, Reply)

King jaypeabey
My wife has a distant rello ...

Given a few King Ralph moments I could be the next in line for the throne of some far away land.

EDIT: Had the inlaws over this afternoon, so took the opportunity to ask some questions.

The "distant rello" is my mother-in-law's cousin. Met some prince while on holiday, married him, had a daughter. He's from Austria, not Africa.

Doesn't look like he's in line for any throne though.

Here's his Dad's Wikipedia entry: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ernst_von_Hohenberg

And here' m-i-l-c's entry in some peerage reference: www.thepeerage.com/p3941.htm#i39407

Apparently, they're now divorced or separated or something, so it's even less likely I'm going to end up king. Even if he did have a claim to the throne and a dodgy photographer.

My apologies to all those who sucked up looking for future favours, er, voted for me.

On the upside, his granddad was Archduke Franz Ferdinand, who not only has a decent band named after him, but whose asassination just happened to start a little tiff known as World War One. So, that's nice then.
( Udderbelly A tale of four titties, Fri 4 Aug 2006, 16:14, Reply)

Princess Anne and a paedophile
When I was about eight I was taken by my fairly elderly next door neighbours to see Princess Anne open Huddersfield Sports Centre. She swept past in a big black limo and waved royally at all us plebs. I thought it was great as I was too young to understand the whole royalty/aristocracy/land-owning/parasitic nonsense that we love and die for.

Thinking back it was totally cool of my mum and dad to refuse to go themselves but they obviously thought it would be my kind of thing. I expect they saw it as an opportunity for a bit of nookie.

Anyway, some years later, I heard that the next door neighbours' son, who used to run a miniature train ride at the park got convicted for molesting little girls. Thank fuck I was a boy.
(kevon45uk, Fri 4 Aug 2006, 16:10, Reply)

A brush with royalty
I called Charles Windsor a "fucking parasite" a few years back. I half expected arrest but nothing was done.

Charles looked disappointed at me, nothing more.




My cock is enormous.
(Rhye, Fri 4 Aug 2006, 15:59, Reply)

Famous
I'm Lord Lucan so you all know royalty.

Ba dum tish

/Leave by the drain
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Fri 4 Aug 2006, 15:40, Reply)

The Chairman of the Board
The CEO of a management consultancy I used to work for liked to be treated like royalty. I had the misfortune to bump into him in the Sydney office, and he acted like a spoilt brat whilst all around him acted as though Jesus was riding through galillee.
He complained that the bottled water was warm, he moaned about the sunlight shining on his face, and was ushered out by his entourage of sycophantic fucks.
He was also about 5ft tall and never failed to make you want to thump him.
(LunarJim, Fri 4 Aug 2006, 15:32, Reply)

had a wank in the queen's special toilet
Last year I was 'lucky' enough to be picked to visit ten downing street for a day. We had a guided tour, cups of tea and cake, and a jolly good time etc.
anyway, there was rather a large queue for the toilets, so one of the skivvies (i'm sure they have a proper title, I just don't know what it is) led me to the 'superloo', usually reserved just for the queen. So obviously it would have been a crime not to wank in there.

Don't blame me, blame the system for making me feel it is my obligation to be a teenage rebel.
(tom the astronaut, Fri 4 Aug 2006, 15:31, Reply)

Enough near brushes with Royalty
I don't think I have ever met actual Royalty (although I've fucked enough queens in my time) BUT I have a catalogue of 2nd hand encounters with the real thing:

1)- a colleague used to be some kind of millitary person, and he had to carry Lady Di's suitcase from the back of their car to the waiting yacht when her and Charlie were off on a holiday or honeymoon or something (the bags were surprisingly light, he remarks)

2) - my ex-landlady got a job taking bus loads of piss-stinking old grannies around Clarence House to see The Queen Mum's old bits of china and art collection (which grew considerably during the years 1939-1945). While working there, she did pilfer half a slice of Prince Charles' fruit cake (a wonderful afternoon energy booster, apparently), so she practically met Royalty.

3) - my ancestor, Simon, was quite good friends with Henry III until he decided to make Henry hand over control of England to the newly formed parliament that Simon set up (there were only 15 members of parliament back then).
(mountfoc, Fri 4 Aug 2006, 15:26, Reply)

Met the queen at some school related thing when I was 9 ish
And I showed her how to press wild flowers. My mum has a framed photo of us somewhere.
(deadly, Fri 4 Aug 2006, 15:18, Reply)