Mrs Spimf can’t do drugs...
not at all, she’s tried coke a few times and it always went like this...

"Want some of this coke baby?"

"No I cant, I cant, I really cant"

"Sure?"

"Well maybe just a wee bit"

Snnnnnnnnnnnnnnort!

FFW 6 hours... and we have a raging Hoover nosed maniac with one eye going to the shops and the other one coming back with the change - demanding more sex, coke,porn,sex,coke,porn - you get the picture. She even got so off her face on a bottle of poppers at T in the Park she had to be carried a good mile or so back to the bloody tent. But that's just the preamble...

A good few years back we went to a really nice hotel in a wee fishing village in Scotland - Portpatrick to be precise. With some time to kill before dinner, lolling around in our room, I decide to roll a joint.

"Want to try some hash babes"

"No I can't smoke"

"You can eat it though"

"Hmmm? Ok - not much though!"

A small piece of hash the size of a pea is consumed then we took the dogs for a walk along the beach. Drugs? No effect. An hour later there we are in the rather posh hotel bar, Mrs Spimf in a LBD looking leggy, demure and pretty damn hot.

"Would you like a drink before dinner darling”?

"Yes, sherry please"

Now I don’t know what sort of fucked up constitution my Mrs has but it would seem a tiny speck of cannabis can lie dormant in her tumblyboos until one small sherry is sloshed down there, then it begins...

Giggling - fair enough
Talking Pish - fair enough
Sudden loss of short term memory resulting is said pish being repeated on loop - fair enough
Attempt to get off bar stool and go to the loo resulting in KO style collapse in the middle of the room - erm no.

To make matters even better she had landed smack on the floor at the owner’s feet who was chatting with her daughter. Soon revived and seemingly now ok (ish) while rubbing a slight bump on her head, Mrs Spimf (brilliantly) explains to the hotel owner she might have had an adverse reaction to some prescription medicine. Owner promptly offers to call a doctor; she even offered to act as a witness in the lawsuit she had conjured from nowhere that was going to 'ruin' the 'idiot' doctor that would prescribe such powerful drugs without proper warning. Suddenly Mrs Spimf is fine and dandy again so we decide to proceed with dinner. She's now hungry - celle surprise! A sip of wine and a nibble at her starter and she’s off again. Talking pish, swaying about, stuck on a Groundhog Day loop - the lot!

Tits.

Quietly, I ask the waiter if he could sent the rest of the food up to the room and try to make as dignified an exit as one can with Ken Fucking Dodd in a cocktail dress waving and belming to a room full of bemused diners. So there we are back in the room - immediately Mrs Spimf strips naked. No idea why, the only thing I was intending eating at that point was my bloody steak, which was supposedly on its way up.

Knock knock - "room service"

"Come in" coos my idiot bloody wife, naked as a Tory MP in a boys dormitory.

The poor bloke trundles in with a splendid tray of delights, complete with comedy silver dome things on them. Give him his due he barely batted an eyelid as I hastily tried to cover my mad as a bat butt naked wife. He left with a smirk and large tip. After ten minutes of watching my wife struggling to use cutlery (she seemed to be knitting an imaginary scarf from invisible wool) I suggested at that point she might well be better in bed. So in she pops.

Thank. Fuck! Peace at last. Just as I finish my steak the convulsions start. Yes fucking convulsions.

Su-fucking-perb.

So there she is: Portpatrick's answer to Jon Belushi writhing around in bed like Linda Blair's epileptic understudy. After some 'discussion' Mrs Spimf decides it is in fact...

"Nothing to do with the drugs - it must have been when I hit my head"

She then panics - decides she has a 'brain clot' from her tumble earlier (I had a few choice words on that one). Nevertheless Mrs Spimf demands a doctor be summoned.

"Head injuries must be investigated!"

So there I am - no choice. I called the owner and asked if she could discreetly request a local doctor give us a quick call just to reassure my idiot wife she is not destined to spend the remainder of her days communicating with one eyebrow. Ten minutes later an ambulance with full blues and twos rocks up.

Fuck.

All too soon the paramedics enter the room, along with the bloody owner and her daughter as well for good measure. After I managed to tactfully ask them to get the fuck out I had a quite word with the paramedic.

"Don’t think its the bump to the head mate" (looks around conspiratorially) "she's actually eaten a little bit of cannabis"

Paramedic looks confused,

"How much"

"Erm maybe enough for two fairly miserly joints"

Paramedic scratches head.

"What’s she doing eating it - your supposed to smoke it, at least that's what I do (winks), having said that if she's had a bump to the head we should maybe take her in for observation"

Tits.

So they go to lift the pale and shaking Mrs Spimf out of bed

"Wait!"

"She’s naked"

"Oh right, fine where are her clothes"

I gather up the frilly black undies, stockings heels and LBD and realise the chances of getting her dressed without more drama were, to even the most optimistic observer, bugger all.

"Fuck it, wrap her up in the duvet, I’ll take the clothes with me"

And so they did. Then popped her on a little chair with wheels affair and lifted her up....

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cries my lunatic wife - "I'M SCARED OF HEIGHTS!!!!"

"Erm your only about 6 inches off the floor love"

"OH? ...Well it felt a lot higher"

*faceplams*

So we process through the hotel lobby - the entire staff and guests it would seem had now lined up to see the drama unfolding with 'my lovely wife' now back on a high waving like a mong on a day trip to a window factory.

Kill me now, please God - end this now.

So we sat in the ambulance - it was at least 40 minutes to the nearest A&E. Mrs Spimf cracking jokes all the way. Me sitting there with a face like thunder. They treated Mrs Spimf and I like we had been up all night smearing methadone on a baby, they grilled me on what she had 'actually taken' then eventually they let us home at around 3 am. So on top of the cost of the fancy hotel, meal and a ruined LBD, the taxi back to the hotel cost nearly 50 quid - about 15 years ago.

I don't allow my wife drugs anymore. Muppet.
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Thu 13 May 2010, 13:33, 21 replies)

GEET BIG MASSIVE DRUGS!
BOOOYEAH!

MOTHER FUCKER!

NEATO GANG! NEATO! SUPER DOOPER!
(likeajackhammer, Thu 13 May 2010, 13:37, closed)

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

(likeajackhammer, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:20, closed)

and...
i shall line fucking break all i like
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Thu 13 May 2010, 13:37, closed)

Still as great as the first time I read it.
"waving like a mong on a day trip to a window factory" is bloody poetry.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 13 May 2010, 13:39, closed)

^This.

( girlinthehole, Thu 13 May 2010, 13:45, closed)

Totally this ^
Magical.
( Ugi , it's a game of give and cake, Thu 13 May 2010, 17:50, closed)

^ This,
and the Ken Fucking Dodd bit too. Brilliant!
(WillI'mNot logs in twice a year, every year, Fri 14 May 2010, 1:06, closed)

^this

( Tom OBedlam I have control of a tank, Fri 14 May 2010, 16:28, closed)

Superb...
Dunno how many times I've read this, but I'm always holding in the office LOLs while I do.

*click*
( snee held his breath since, Thu 13 May 2010, 13:44, closed)

Reminds me
of the words of a famous philosopher I once knew -

"wimmin, they just aint ardcore are they"

v.page
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Thu 13 May 2010, 13:48, closed)

Read it before
and its still funny.
( SigmaX0 Dear Die Hard. You rock!, Thu 13 May 2010, 14:00, closed)

Oh wonderful
We have a winner.

*clicks*
(Archeleus hates cabbage, Thu 13 May 2010, 14:05, closed)

A worthy pea
have a click!
(Happybara The jungle came alive and took him, Thu 13 May 2010, 14:15, closed)

Women on coke is a terrible idea when you think about
They fucking talk enough as it is when they're sober.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Thu 13 May 2010, 14:39, closed)

Loved it
the first time. The second time was pretty good too; I fear I may have ruptured something keeping the giggles in.
Have a click.
(berk, Thu 13 May 2010, 14:58, closed)

Ken Fucking Dodd in a Cocktail Dress...

Genius!
(Senora Veranos cannot and will not so ner..., Thu 13 May 2010, 16:15, closed)

I like this loads
have a click
( SpankyHanky, Thu 13 May 2010, 17:16, closed)

Pity...
... you can only click once.

Possibly the best post ever, even second time around.
(groover j lazerus, Thu 13 May 2010, 19:39, closed)

"Brain Clot"
Brilliant, I feel your pain. Well worth a click.
(Rsoles, Thu 13 May 2010, 20:48, closed)

Still as funny as the first time
I read it!
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Thu 13 May 2010, 23:04, closed)

fucking excellent!
i sympathise with your wife, though. i can handle booze, i can handle weed, but space cakes and vodka had me seeing triangles, hugging my knees and begging my bloke to get me a lobotomy
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 13 May 2010, 23:43, closed)

I Like This
and it made me giggle
(maggotriddendirtbox fast, feral and sharp as a tack since, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:25, closed)

Truly an epic tale. I giggled.
(CrouchingHamster,HiddenElvis, Fri 14 May 2010, 14:53, closed)

god that had me giggling like a loon in the library
christ, "waving like a mong on a day trip to a window factory". thats fucking beautiful"
( Tom OBedlam I have control of a tank, Fri 14 May 2010, 16:29, closed)

Absofuckinglutely ^
"one eye going to the shops and the other one coming back with the change"

Pure genius!
(all my scars face forward possesses 2.5% of a hyperalloy combat chassis, Fri 14 May 2010, 21:37, closed)

Have a w/y/h!
*clicked*
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Sat 15 May 2010, 11:57, closed)