I have city and guilds....
I have city and guilds qualifications in reading tachograph charts (things lorries have in them to tell how long and how fast the drivers been going).

....and yes I am a lot of fun at parties.
(Lord_Of_The_Wild_Frontier, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 15:17, Reply)

Not exactly an expert but spent a year studying
green flourescent protein and worked on genetically modifying frogs to flouresce
( abandonnship, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 15:14, Reply)

Hey you!
Im an expert in Gonzo impressions, I discovered this when smoking loads of hash with my friends when I was younger.

Cue me ringing up directories a few years ago in my best gonzo voice asking for the number of "big bird" and having the police ring me back for making obscene phone calls.
(Fran, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 15:13, Reply)

Budgerigars. They crap everywhere........................
In my early teen years I was an expert on Budgerigars, or was until I grew bored of the little annoying shits and gave them away.

Anyway i'm an expert as I'm the 1987 Llantrisant and District junior Budgerigar breeding champion so there and yes I know it's sad.

I won £10 and spent it on sex mags which my father later found under my bed and gave me a hammering, although I dont know if he ever threw them out himself the dirty bastard.
(If it could happen to me like that i'd shit my pants, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 15:12, Reply)

pH electrodes and solid state gas sensors
and swinging the lead at work posting on the internet
(Sir Tainley Barking Ezekiel 23:20, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 15:12, Reply)

5-HT4 mediated dopamine release
Yep, you read correctly. It's all to do with 5-HT4 receptor subtypes in the nigro-striatum don't you know.
(Chicken Amygdala, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 15:10, Reply)

Dammit!
I've been waiting all bloody week for a crack at getting first place... i'm busy for a second and look what happens... Arse!
Yes i'm a student,
No i dont have anything better to do.

Expert? Well lets just say i'm the best procrastinator there is!
(The Duke of Pontefract, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 15:10, Reply)

Murder
And law enforcement.
( Lightguy hail satan, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 15:10, Reply)

Sex

( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 15:08, Reply)

I can also
Blow little bubbles off my tongue that float away, it's rather cool and looks like one of those cartoons where a character eats a load of soap and burps bubbles!
(I R Advertiser How can you live like this you're out of control?, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 15:06, Reply)

I can
Dislocate the ball joint of my knee and pop it back into place on command, hurts like a bitch though!
(I R Advertiser How can you live like this you're out of control?, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 15:04, Reply)

I'm an expert barman...
I've even started encorperating flair like a gay Tom Cruise.
( mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 15:04, Reply)

I'm an expert
at drinking Ribena. but only the blackcurrant flavour ones. The others are sacreligious and horrible!

***end transmission***
( Redsushi! Whoop! Whoop! Yes, that one!, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 15:04, Reply)

Absolutely
Fuck all
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Thu 23 Jun 2005, 15:00, Reply)

residential lettings
residential lettings and property management with particularly localised knowledge of the south manchester and cheshire areas.

but that one's bloody dull. i'll think of something more interesting...

.... ooh and proper linda lovelace style deep throat technique. a dodgy older man meant i mastered that at 14 and have been putting it to damn good use ever since!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 14:59, Reply)

I'm an expert at...
critical thinking. That's what my qualification is in. Theoretically, it's the science of winning arguements In practice, it involves drinking tea, eating fondant fancies, and talking about speed cameras, and how there should be more of them, really. I'm nigh-on an expert at owning *seven* cats. Each one is fluffier than the last.
(HawkerTyphoon, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 14:56, Reply)

origami
im rather good at rolling paper cones and filling them with herbs and leaves.. does that count?
(inspoken, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 14:54, Reply)

definition
I consider myself an expert
ex= Has been
Spert= drip under pressure

eyethankyou!
(1st team orc, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 14:54, Reply)

Black Belt in Origami
I started messing around with Origami at a very early age, and now I can make allsorts of paper malarkey.

My favourite is the Triceratops, I'll put a pic up if I can be arsed/find one :o)

I can also crack my knuckles/knees/elbows/neck at will - its great fun to do in the quiet bit just before the film starts in a cinema...
( B00gle-H00ps Looks like a horse, in a man costume..., Thu 23 Jun 2005, 14:53, Reply)

Local history resarch...
...In hull.

Go on, hate me. I can take it.
(matthyaouw, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 14:53, Reply)

I've been an ex-pert since my boobs started to sag.

( Malchick, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 14:53, Reply)

Vegetarians
I was sat in one of those pasrties where none of the blokes, bar myself, had decided to turn up. Me, and 7 lasses.
We started to talk about many things... one being why the HELL are you lasses all vegetarian?? I asked one my one, ad just before I got the the last lass, I proclaimed that I knew for a fact (and I DO) that not having the minerals that essential meat gives you is tempting osteoperosis and other fun bone problems....
Last Lass, and I ask her why SHE has decided not to eat meat. "for health reasons"
Ahhh says I... you want to be careful through, it could REALLY fuck up your bones...
It was then as I said it that I noticed how strangely deformed her hands were. Dammit I felt like an arse.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 23 Jun 2005, 14:52, Reply)

Drinking
Copious quantities of lager :)
(HoBag (TM) <-- Fookin' legend, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 14:52, Reply)

So close but no sticky bun
Winding up my wife, but that's easy.

Actually my wife's good at growing an arse, just a shame she's not as good at growing tits.

I'm also an expert at laughing and pointing at fat people.
(Yellow Car is now red, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 14:52, Reply)

4th
Woo!

I'm also an expert at lunchtime boozing, and heading back into the office to surf b3ta all afternoon. Hic.
(ColdLazarus, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 14:50, Reply)

first!
oooh first, yay!

well, i'm an expert at wanking while listening to headphones and eating ice cream while rubbing chilli on my cock and...

edit: dammit, humpty. 2nd is good tho :)
( mr_wicksy is.... old., Thu 23 Jun 2005, 14:47, Reply)

First for the day...
I have the dubious pleasure of being the company's Pneumatics Guru.... This means that whenever anyone has a minor problem, (or a major one) or a query, or a suggestion or wants thier arse wiping or ANYTHING.... They come to me. IT sucks. Especially as I have 101 other things that I'm meant to be doing.

On the bright side, I can make a 200mm pneumatic cylinder cycle so FAST that it gets too hot to touch, and has a motion that makes all the lasses blush and all the guys giggle... and STILL honestly say I'm working.

As yet, I've not taken my work home...

Edit: obviously I didn't type all this in the first "post" but I did sit here like a twunt and hit "refresh" a few times once I noticed the old Q was closed.... Never again. The rush will never be beaten. well.. not today anyhow.

Apologies for being so quick... it's never happened to me before... honest...
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 23 Jun 2005, 14:47, Reply)