I've often wanted to fart so terribly, that it set of the co2 alarm.
Managed it the other month, and like most fantasy's come to life, it was fucking terrible. I know people say that your not meant to be offended by your own guffs, but this was fetid.

Still, don't reckon you get a fart like that more than once in a life time. I am both proud and disgusted by my actions.
(yeswehavenopasties, Mon 17 Feb 2014, 21:59, 10 replies)

Threesome...
...I haven't had one either.
( TheMattInAHat has a particular... odour..., Mon 17 Feb 2014, 21:32, Reply)

I had a great wank once. Fucking awesome.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Mon 17 Feb 2014, 19:58, Reply)

Something well edgy involving theft, killing and statutory rape lol

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 17 Feb 2014, 19:32, 3 replies)

Boiling A Baby
For a long time I harboured a fantasy about boiling a baby slowly to death, and one day I got to act out this fantasy, only to be disappointed.

Obtaining the baby was the easy part. If you go to the right places, the poorest estates with the highest levels of drug use, such a thing is no problem and not even that expensive.

In my basement, I set up a large electric element and procured an industrial cooking pot from a local hotel, big enough for my purposes. As the baby slept in its cot, I turned the element on, as I did not want to plunge the baby straight into cold water and distress it. Its distress, and its agonising death, would come later. Lush!

Eventually the chloroform wore off and the baby woke up. It immediately began to cry so I fed it some warm milk and put a video of the Teletubbies on to placate it. Once it had calmed down I took it and placed it, naked, gently into the lukewarm water, making reassuring sounds to it.

Then I turned the heat right up.

Baby seemed to enjoy its bath time at first, splashing around and laughing. It was interesting to note its reactions. When the water became too hot it began to cry, and as the temperature increased it began to jerk about as if electrocuted. When boiling point drew near it began to shriek most thrillingly, a piercing sound I did not think it possible for a human baby to produce. One lives and learns.

Unfortunately as the water boiled steam obscured my view of the baby's death throes, though I was able to hear its voice dissolve into a kind of drawn out warbling gargle which subsided into the bubbling of the water as it died.

I was disappointed however as the experience didn't excite me as much as I'd thought it would. I barely even got semi on.

So it was with a heavy heart that I fished the blistered remains of the baby out of the water and sold it to the Chinese takeaway next door.

Lesson learned, fantasies are best left as just that, fantasies in the mind, not acted out for real.

Oh and for those of you upset that I killed a baby, don't worry it had cancer and would have died soon anyway. And if you are still upset, don't worry, it was ginger and deserved to die.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Mon 17 Feb 2014, 19:20, 12 replies)

I've been reminded of a very peculiar incident that happened some years back
I'd gone out to a shitty "alternative" club with two women: my ex and her friend. Now all night they were telling me that they were going to take me home for a threesome. This was almost certainly a big fib for the sole purpose of winding me up, but it was fun to play along (plus you never know, hey readers? *wink wink*).

So I'd gone off to the gents for a piss, and when I went back down the stairs into the club I couldn't see the girls I was with. So I wandered off towards the dancefloor looking for them, and as I got onto the edge of the dancefloor some girl I had neither seen nor spoken to grabbed me and started kissing my face off.

Confused but not about to look a gift horse in the mouth, and not wanting to risk finding out that she actually was a horse, I allowed this to continue. Shortly she was groping at my belt, much to my further surprise.

She then got the little general out, dropped to her knees and started to fellate me. On the dancefloor. With a semi-circle of people all facing away from us pretending not to notice what was going on. I glanced over at the bar and saw the two women I was with wagging their fingers and pulling the sort of smirking disapprovalface that you usually only get in films starring Kenneth Williams or Robin Asquith.

Being thoroughly confused by the whole incident, I quickly pulled away from my new friend, did myself up and wandered off to try to explain myself.

I did not speak a single word to the fellatrix, nor did I even see her face.

Recounting this tale now, I am no less confused by the whole affair.
(Eukanuba, Mon 17 Feb 2014, 18:43, 4 replies)

Fantasies, eh?
Well there was this one time Margaery Tyrell noshed me off while Cersei and Danaerys had an oily naked catfight to see who got to do me next.

(It was a dead heat, so they had to take turns on me.)
( Mr. Tea dole-nonce-amuser extraordinaire, Mon 17 Feb 2014, 15:45, 7 replies)

roses are red
violets are best
i've done a threesome
i like 4 breasts
( broadsword now that's fresh, Mon 17 Feb 2014, 15:44, 2 replies)

Me and 4 friends (2 male, 2 female) ended up back at a friend's house after a heavy session at the pub.
Once we were all upstairs in his bedroom, I proceeded to pass out/go to sleep suddenly.
I woke up on a bunch of beanbags on the floor the next morning. In the bed are my 4 friends - all naked having fucked each others brains out the night before. Apparently, a few minutes into said orgy, they realised they were going to be needing the bed (which I was sprawled on), so they woke me up and (whilst completely naked) told me that I'd be sleeping on the beanbags. I didn't bat an eyelid, nodded and bedded down obediently. No memory whatsoever.
( Fray Brentos *mega-belms*, Mon 17 Feb 2014, 15:12, 2 replies)

I had sex once.
It was OK.
( Mr. Tea dole-nonce-amuser extraordinaire, Mon 17 Feb 2014, 14:36, 11 replies)

I fell asleep with my lad in a lady's front bottom
true story
(Sebastian Dried-on excreta bull goose loony, silverback shitposting alpha, Mon 17 Feb 2014, 14:16, 2 replies)

Imagine my surprise, when...
As a man who is, shall we say, well past the first flush of youth, I have to admit that I sometimes find the endless parade of nubile teenage flesh in pubs and clubs rather distracting. Naturally I sometimes let my mind wander, conjouring up unlikely fantasies, credibility-straining scenarios which would make them interested in a raddled old wreck like me - complete with the beer-gut, receding hairline and the dress-sense of a fight in Primark. But fantasies were all I expected them to be.

Except just once, the fantasy came true. A cute, doe-eyed brunette, maybe 19, started dancing with me - and I mean really with me. Amazingly, and against all previous expectations, I managed to keep up with her, trading moves which, for once, didn't have people around pointing and laughing. Even more amazingly, she didn't spin away into the crowd, but stayed with me, dancing, laughing, chatting, then eventually strolling with me back to her place.

It doesn't count as a one-night stand, simply because we didn't leave the bedroom except to grab food, tea or a piss, for the next two days. As I lay there, after another marathon session, I knew that this was probably a never-to-be-repeated moment, something to treasure. Nothing, I thought, could top this.

Until she told me that she was normally exclusively gay, but had broken up with her long-term girlfriend a few days ago. And had wanted to check that she wasn't missing anything...

"And, um, I didn't know men knew how to do that," she finished.



Ok, I know this sounds like a total wank-fantasy. Hence the title. But all my stories are basically true. Others are far better at inventing stories; I like to see how I can write about the true stuff.

And I also know that I've mentioned this before. But hell, wouldn't you?
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Mon 17 Feb 2014, 14:11, 6 replies)

Roses are blue,
Violets are red.
I'm colourblind.
Let's fuck till we're aquamarine in the face.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Mon 17 Feb 2014, 13:24, Reply)

Generic naughty schoolgirl
I picked her up outside her school* in my japanese car** and took her back to mine, with a strong and unmistakable smell of minge filling the car as she got in. At this point the first of only 3 minor hiccups occurred; I walked through the my door into the living room with her, hand in hand, to find it full of one of my housemate's*** friends that I didn't know were visiting, cue awkward "Hi, this is ****" and awkwardly rushing past them into the kitchen.

Once safely ensconced behind a closed door, she grabbed my hand and pressed it to her crotch. At this point I regretted not having taken any condoms with me when I went to pick her up as porking her in the kitchen with a living room full of my annoying housemate's friends would've been megalol. Instead, we retired to my bedroom.
[The bedroom, camera pans from window across to bed] The first thing she suggested we do was fire up my webcam***** and make a little recording, causing the 2nd minor hiccup, I declined this idea as it would've taken about 3 minutes to start up my PC, about the same to fire up the shit webcam software and another 5 painstaking minutes to get the bloody thing in focus, giving a total of up to 12 boner-killing minutes. I felt this would ruin the mood a bit and I didn't really want to see a recording of my own naked arse either so we carried on without.

With nudity and sexytimes commenced, she produced a double-ended dildo****** that she'd been walking around with all day in her schoolbag. I wielded this upon her and smote her ruin on the mountain and, with patience and persistence, made her cum so hard she went red in the face. This produced minor hiccup #3 as I found her going red in the face to be exceedingly funny, forcing me into a desperate situation of trying not to snigger while the girl I am connected to by a double-ended dildo is having a massive, heaving orgasm.

Moar sexytimes continued, including revelations that a week's cunt stubble looks weird but won't give you a stubble burn, my knuckles were too big******* to successfully fist her and that pelvic floor muscles can be enormously strong.


As proceedings came to a close, she had one more surprise in store; she was a smoker so I expected her to signal completion by compulsively lighting up. Instead, she demanded chips, which I complied with and was rewarded with her dildoing herself while I drove her to the chippy and then to her home********. She also offered to blow me on the way but I decided that negotiating Bradford's Inner Ring Road was dangerous enough without that distraction.


*after it had finished and I'd finished for the day so nobody was milling around, she wasn't in uniform as 6th Form/Y12&13 didn't wear uniform at that school. Also, I'd started seeing her a week before when she picked me up a club we both frequented.
**a K11 Micra
***I was at Uni
****how do you pronounce an angle bracket?
*****Again, it's Uni so my PC's at the end of my bed
******floppy, blue. I know you wanted to know. Length? About 14". Bit of a surprise when she pulled that out of her schoolbag...
*******even though I only take a small size in motorbike gloves
********I waited a few weeks before telling my housemate that he was sat in that seat while I was driving the housemates to Tesco.
(squigbobble existed, Mon 17 Feb 2014, 13:03, 12 replies)

My threesome was great!
One Friday night...

I was drinking with a mate in an over-priced haunt on Wardour Street. We'd been on it all day and our quest for quim had dragged us to this place. After a few espresso martinis and some neat moves on the dance floor, we caught the eye of very well preserved forty something lady in a tight red dress.

We got to chatting and flirting and suddenly, within 10 minutes of small talk, she came out with an outrageous statement:

'I want BOTH of you to come back with me now.'

A long cab-ride later and the three of us were deposited outside a lovely detached house in Barnes, right on the river. It was lush. All marble floors and modern art with a gorgeous terrace over-looking the Thames. This girl was loaded. A high-flying banker. No time for husbands or children or other such horrible things.

Once inside she didn't beat about the bush. Rather she got us to beat about the bush. Or rather I started to beat about the bush whilst my too pissed mate looked on despondently. Poor chap couldn't rise to the occasion.

But me and the banker-chick were going at it full steam on the sofa. Meanwhile my partner in crime had taken to pacing up and down the living room floor, muttering to himself audibly, '...get up you fucker, why do you always let me down...'. I blocked him out of my mind and got down to business.

Then she made another wonderful statement:

'I want you in my arse NOW!'

No need to ask me twice. I flipped her over and attempted to fulfil her request. But it wasn't happening. Try as I might I could not get the old fella up there. Every angle and every position was met with absolute resistance from her tight sphincter.

Dammit.

'Oi, do something useful and find me some lubrication.' I yelled to my poor, droopy mate.

He staggered off to the kitchen and returned with a bottle of some sorts.

'Oil ok?' he asked

'Fucking anything!' I yelled back.

He lurched over and began liberally dousing us, with what I thought must be olive oil. Not the cleanest of lubricants. Probably be a bitch to get off the couch. But fuck it. It wasn't my couch.

It did the trick. Boy did it do the trick. I slipped in magnificently and my lady friend squealed in delight. Then she even squealed louder. Then she really fucking screamed. Then she leapt of the couch, ran smack into the wall, hit the floor and lay there writhing around in a greasy mess, wailing in deafening agony, all the time clawing violently at her behind, tears streaming down her face.

What the fuck was going on.

I looked around. Grabbed the 'olive oil' bottle off my knobhead friend and examined it.

Oh dear. Oh deary me.

'Waitrose Finest Chili Oil, made with the fieriest, spiciest chilies of Southern Mexico.'

Then I felt it too. The worst, most intense pain ever, slowly spreading through my nether regions. Like razor blades slicing me internally.

But I'd got off lightly. Our new friend had real problems. But she wouldn't less us hang around to help. She screamed at us to get out. And we did. I hobbled down an unfamiliar street clutching my crotch, my mind bursting with fireworks of pure agony. I could hardly see a thing. But we were near the river. And that's where I ended up. Knee deep in water on the banks of Thames, allowing the foul, polluted, heaven-sent H20 to slowly ease my pain.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Mon 17 Feb 2014, 11:29, 7 replies)

I nearly had a threesome
one was gorgeous the other one wasn't. So it was more two people shagging while one frigged herself for a bit, then left
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Mon 17 Feb 2014, 9:29, 4 replies)

Girls are from Venus
Boys are from Mars
I'd shag Davina McCall
Up the arse
( Mastarbeiter came into your mind on, Mon 17 Feb 2014, 5:24, 4 replies)

Roses are loud.
Violets are crunchy.
I've got synaesthesia.
( Ambegris likes his tea stirred anti-clockwise, Sun 16 Feb 2014, 23:18, 1 reply)

Three pages of threesomes and nobody's mentioned lemonparty?
I'm disappointed
( Ghoti Fingers, Sun 16 Feb 2014, 17:15, 3 replies)

Threesomes are dull. Five is a better number for sexual activity.
DP is fantastic BTW.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Sun 16 Feb 2014, 16:30, 18 replies)

Actually posting after 9 years of lurking*

*having only de-lurked previously to 'shed' overwhelming angriosity at knob farthelm.

Oh, and I did a threesome once ... twice, even. Both arms got tired after that.
(Howland C. Pousiccat sailed away, Sun 16 Feb 2014, 6:00, 2 replies)

Acting
In an effort to spend less time at home being anti-social and spending my nights with only a bottle of vodka for company, I started taking acting lessons.

Now the acting coach was very much into improvisation and would regularly give us silly tasks such as acting out random situations or playing the part of household items, and then grade us on our performance.

I remember one time when I found this rather difficult, after all it's not everyday you have to "act" the part of a soft drink. I was really dreading receiving my marks for that performance, but was pleasantly surprised when I checked my grades on the notice board after class and it said "Acting out you are Fanta - C"
(danishbacon is haram yes?, Sat 15 Feb 2014, 20:32, 1 reply)

I had a threesome.
But some kid burnt my neck. I didn't like it.
(Roger McGough-Pipe, Sat 15 Feb 2014, 20:26, Reply)

I've had a threesome.
It was brilliant. I feel like such an anecdote king right now.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Sat 15 Feb 2014, 19:43, 2 replies)

I had a threesome
Was alright. Would rather have just slept with the less pretty one.
( A Rory Borealis here under duress, Sat 15 Feb 2014, 18:59, 2 replies)

I have fantasies about beating my partner of 15 years to death. Six months ago I was diagnosed
with terminal cancer, so unless they are involved in an accident or a violent crime it looks like I win.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Sat 15 Feb 2014, 10:44, 1 reply)

Roses are red
An often violent hue
So please mind your head
As I swing this pool cue
(mustardtiger108, Sat 15 Feb 2014, 10:13, Reply)

friends FB post. Retarded child fantasy.
"A year 1 child took pity on me today when he asked if I had got flowers for Valentines Day and the answer was a no. "I will get you some invisible biscuits Miss" Thank you very much. " you can eat them and they will make you biggerer". Great, high calorie invisible biscuits. Thanks. "
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 14 Feb 2014, 23:24, 8 replies)

Roses are gay
Violets are gayer
Fuck this poem
And listen to Slayer
(Eukanuba, Fri 14 Feb 2014, 22:23, 3 replies)