two early ones
I've got stories from when I was 5, 11 etc. but they're not very entertaining.

When I was an insecure teenager at school who tried to keep quiet and avoid getting a beating but I was a nice kid and I've always had a smile that knocks women for 6. So one morning the friends of this really cute malaysian girl came over to ask if I would go out with her. I said no for three reasons (a) I have nightmare parents and the thought of them finding out I had a girlfriend was more than I could take (b) at the time I had an inherent distrust of girls and thought they were lying and (c) I was fighting with one of my friends as he wouldn't let go of my bag.

In spite of being severly distracted by point (c) I managed to respond to cute girls friend's comment, "She really likes you." with, "Well that's her problem then."

The joke was truly on me a couple of years later when I became obsessed with this woman but by that time I think she liked her men a little nastier. Laugh, I nearly did.

And on to story number two. At uni I met this cracker of a girl who was really nice, had gorgeous long hair and had an hour glass figure. I was slightly less insecure but the technique of being really nice but never actually asking her on a proper date (or whatever it is people do) didn't seem to get me anywhere.

Things were looking up though when we started spending more time together after I introduced her to my best mate Andy. What a wingman, my best mate was really helping me out. Went home for the weekend just before my 18th and when I came back I found out he poached her. Bastards! This story has lots of interesting turns but eventually I'm glad to say that me and best mate patched things up and a few months later she broke up with him.

We consoled ourselves by coming up with the not at all offensive mantra: "Women, they bitches. They all bitches!"

The highlight of the awkwardness between me and this second love came when she visited me to during the summer of 1998. We watched Scotland vs. Brazil in the world cup, got pissed off at being beaten and then got pissed (more than any time before or since). Falling down the stairs at my house my mum was apparently disgusted to see me so drunk and shouted, "Do you think this is funny?" to which I replied, "Yeah, it is."

And when I was seeing my second love off on to a bus home I told her that, "I donnn't lllove you (hic) any more. I ushuued to llove you ... but I don't nowwww." She ran anyway and we never talked of it again.

Ah well, women they bitches. They all bitches.

(oh and my mum threatened to throw me out of the house if I ever got that drunk again)
( djtrialprice, Thu 20 Oct 2005, 17:42, Reply)

my first love
and still is a box of jaffacakes. Its true profound love.*sighs" if only jaffacakes had female bits.
(jaffacakes, Thu 20 Oct 2005, 17:40, Reply)

Bitter as a Pickled Lemon
Wonderful girl called Melanie, who after a complete lack of interest from girls in the 15 years previously, suddenly announced she had fallen head over heels in love with me - result, I thought, and something in my teenage brain kicked in and pushed me over the edge of being head-over-heels in love with her, too. Fantastic. wonderful. Mills & Boon stuff. She might have been a bit fat, a Good Charlotte fan and a rampant psuedo-feminist (the Sex and the City type), but I thought the chubby was cute and blamed the rest on a rather harsh upbringing and thought I could help her through it, or whatever my teenage Jesus complex convinced me I could do. It lasted two months. It took two years for the last of the suffering she decided to inflict on me to pass. A twelve-fold return of pain for happiness wasnt the utopian future I envisioned, let me tell you.

I went to stay with her for four days, which quickly turned into a week. On the fifth day some other bloke turned up, clearly for her, though her mother quickly jumped on board to rescue her daughter from this faux-pas (or me from the rejection) by claiming the guy was there to see her, despite him being about 20 and her being a rather ugly 45, and him having rung my girlfriend's phone to announce his arrival. Spent all her time talking to this guy and quite literally stopped talking - at all - to me. This went on for two days, after which I decided I wasn't standing for it anymore and decided to up and leave. Soon after, she found her voice again and told me how much she missed me, etc, to manipulate me into going back. I didn't.

After I told her she really was dumped, she started trying to turn my mates against me, by telling all and sundry that I tried to rape her, had hit her, stolen her stuff, etc - all of course untrue. All *real* mates believed my side of the story, assorted cnuts and most mutual friends ventured off with her (though several of them have since been fucked over in the same manner, with at least two or three being accused of trying to kill her - I'm not sure anyone listens anymore). She was a thick cow, too - Failed all her GCSEs cos she 'didnt like the teachers telling her what to do' and succeeded to get herself sacked for being too useless to work in a shoe-shop. Thanks to her skilled manipulation I spent two years blaming myself for all that went on. Cow.

I got the last laugh though, last I heard she was shagging her way through assorted late-40s blokes (she's now... 18-ish) from the base of her grotty Kentish council flat, and I'm happy in a stable relationship and am heading off to uni next year.

Mel, you are thoroughly pwned. If I ever end up in eastern Kent again, I'll make sure I run into you.. and then back up over your broken, still-twitching corpse.

I don't have a blog, I post all my emo shit here! No linky for you!
( Shegetz Chris Kamara's comedy moustache, Thu 20 Oct 2005, 17:35, Reply)

I was a fool....just like everyone else
It took me until age 16 to ask a girl out. It must have taken over an hour to get over my nerves and dial the number that night. I must have rushed my prepared sentence, as she asked me to repeat it 3 times.

Decoding the reply still haunts me to this day - she said she couldn't go out this week as she had her GCSE 'mocks' on, but i should call again next week. We chatted for a bit so it seemed OK. But did "not this week" mean "yes" or "no" in reality?

So next week...What did I do? Agonised for hours, then finally admitted I didn't have the courage to call again as it got later and later. TWAT.
In my defence, a few days later I did manage to make myself dial the number...but it was engaged. And that was the end of it.
(Well, apart from mentally beating myself up over it every single day, and trying to avoid her gaze every Saturday at the sailing club.)

14 years later, happily married (to someone else) with 2 kids....I still want to kick myself. Philippa, I am REALLY sorry....whichever way round you meant it.

And no, I will not contact her on FriendsReunited. Even though I've seen her details on there.
(BourbonBiscuits, Thu 20 Oct 2005, 17:28, Reply)

a fickle child
first day at a new infant school (had just moved to the area). didn't know whether I fancied Charlotte or Alison then realised Charlotte's shoes were slightly scuffed so threw my lot in with Alison. Alison said "I don't speak to new boys". oh well.
Charlotte gave me some cocaine about 15 years later but made me ask in French (the language not the lesson)
(bluebiscuit, Thu 20 Oct 2005, 17:07, Reply)

Zipper Love
Friend of my mum’s daughter. We were both 5 and she was staying over night.

We were upstairs in our pyjamas mine was an all in one jump suit with a zip up the middle.

She had a great idea for playing doctors and nurses.

She was the nurse who was going to examine me.

She pulled down the zipper on my jump suit and promptly caught my toddle in the zip.

I screamed she screamed! Both sets of parents came up the stairs to see what the commotion was about!

There was me stuck in my jump suit ala Something About Mary!!!

After much fiddling by various parents I was set free from the zip.

We didn’t get to stay in the same rooms after that.

Although it brings a tear to my eye thinking back on it she was my first love!!!
(GGWRX, Thu 20 Oct 2005, 16:58, Reply)

Clown
I was about 7. He was the same age. He was called Daniel. Then he moved schools and I never saw him again. So I named a knitted clown after him. I have no idea why.
(tallulah kittiwake, Thu 20 Oct 2005, 16:50, Reply)

Love at first sight
When I was 10 there used to be this fat girl who lived next to me called Laura who was a complete cow. I absolutely hated her. We'd fight, squabble, steal each other's sweets and go tell each time we wiped snot on each other.

Then one day she pulled her knickers down and gave me a full glimpse of her camel's toe. For reasons that weren't clear to me at the time, I immediately fell in love with her.

Strange, that.
(Gilbo, Thu 20 Oct 2005, 16:39, Reply)

How I laughed
When I was 6 I was madly in love with a boy in my class who I'll call Mark, for that was his name. For several weeks we sat together at storytime, he with his arm casually draped around my shoulders, me smirking smugly to all the jealous girlies, for I was the only one who had managed to ensnare myself a man (yes OK, I KNOW he was only 6 but we ALL fancied him). Then one day he decided he loved someone else (it was always love at that age) and asked me if the letters F and O meant anything to me. Yes that's right, it was curtains for me and Mark. What shabby treatment. I was crushed.

Fast forward a few years and I'm in a cheesy nightclub with a few pals. One of them staggers gleefully back from the bar saying she has just met someone we went to school with... you've guessed it, I was about to come face to face with my first love, the one who so cruelly spurned me. I rose up to my full height and hastily checked my lippy in a nearby mirror. I was ready. I sauntered casually towards the bar. I trembled at the thought of wowing him with my new found sophistication, and then snogging his face off (we had not yet discovered snogging during our first liaison.)

A surprise awaited me. He was all of 5 foot and had shoulder length ringlets. Now I know why his mum always kept his hair so short.

Legless, I'm sad that I am not on your list :(

But I can't make your party anyway, I'm not in the UK that weekend. If Stusut turns up, kidnap him for me. I want him as a pet.
(Mad McMad, Thu 20 Oct 2005, 16:32, Reply)

First proper girlfirend...
In an early 90's secondary school.

All was going swimmingly, she was a pretty redhead, had nice norks and danced with me at the school disco!!!

So I pluck up the courage to ask her out after much to-ing and fro-ing by our friends. She says yes! I take the next three days off from having the FEAR! Finally come back to school and don't speak to her for a few years.

I've always sucked at starting relationships it would seem.
(mehmeh 0% witty, Thu 20 Oct 2005, 16:32, Reply)

But of course...
in line with everyone else's posts, I need to add that my new wife, Mrs M, is of course the only true love I've ever had.

/sentimental
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Thu 20 Oct 2005, 16:28, Reply)

Ahem...
She was:
A depressant,
Into the Offspring and Good Charlotte,
Shyer than an abused kitten,
A self harmer,
Self-centered,
A cheater...

but worst of all, she was from Hull.

Didn't I do well?
( Butters and his titanium codsocket, Thu 20 Oct 2005, 16:24, Reply)

I can't remember how old I was...
...but it was Primary School, back when I was still living in Devon, so I was less than 10.

Me & my friend both liked her - Charlotte, her name was. One day, at playtime, before going our separate ways, she gave me a little childlike innocent kiss. Walking on air, I told my friend at the earliest opportunity (as you do). He then leapt forward with the speed of a striking snake, and kissed me.
"There, now we've got half that kiss each" he proclaimed, to my abject dismay.

Sadly, that was as far as that particular threesome went...

Still, at least he didn't turn me gay. Not sure about him though.

I saw his entry on Friends Reunited a while back, and he's a copper now.

/relevance
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Thu 20 Oct 2005, 16:21, Reply)

Congratulations, magictorch!
I'm getting married in two days! Not to my first love, though. (That was Danielle. She's a horror these days.) Not even to my second love. But hopefully to my last.

Altogether now...Awwwwwww!
(stusut79, Thu 20 Oct 2005, 16:19, Reply)

Charlotte Hall
St Peters infant school, circa 1983/4.
she made me a valnetines card - it was big (for a five year old) with a a glittery heart on the front.

to be honest, im not sure the feeling was reciprocated.

she's a female redcap now (thats militarypolicewoman)



proper love tho? after many false starts, the future Mrs magictorch. (nothing to do with her loaded father shelling out oodles for the wedding.)



apologies for love-in nature of post
(magictorch, Thu 20 Oct 2005, 16:12, Reply)

First love
I was 12, she was 11. I think she's a lesbian now.
(Tarhun, Thu 20 Oct 2005, 16:12, Reply)

The ravages of time!
"Show me your widgy and I'll show you my twinkle," she squeaked. To my delight, pretty little Danielle was not shy behind closed doors. We were five. The wendy house in the school classroom was a favourite place for amorous young things like ourselves, keen to learn about the opposite sex. Of course, the wendy house wasn't entirely private. The windows in the wooden walls were not glazed and there were no curtains, so any passers by could easily have peered through to witness what would, in hindsight, appear to be either very cute or rather disturbing. They could even have reached in for a fiddle. For these reasons, I never did manage a twinklglimpse or offer a widgyglance, and the option of a swift jimmynudging was years away.

There was another little lass called Heidi who always wanted to drag me into the wendy house. She was wildly jealous of Danielle's relationship with me. I spurned Heidi's advances, fighting her off tooth and nail until she simply gave up and moved on. Imagine my sense of self-disappointment then, when, ten years later, Heidi blossomed into a thoroughly attractive, respectable yet foxy young nymphette, and Danielle turned out to be a filth-ridden, pot-bellied, greasy-haired, acne-riddled, mean-spirited, hook-nosed, gorilla-armed witch of a bearded munter with a voice like a peacock having its neck stamped on and who was as thick as sweet Jack Fuckery!

Bless her.
(stusut79, Thu 20 Oct 2005, 16:10, Reply)

I was 4, and so was she...
...she was called Sarah, and for christmas i wrapped up a plastic ring that i got in a christmas cracker and gave it to her... i got nothing in return though!

typical bloody woman!
(A Hospital Carpark, Thu 20 Oct 2005, 15:50, Reply)

She was called deborah and lived two doors up when I was about seven.
She was very dim and not the prettiest pig in the pen.

But she allowed me to tie her to the back fence of the garden and stick things down her knickers.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 20 Oct 2005, 15:45, Reply)

My First Internet Love
Was IRC,then as I matured, alt.tasteless newsgroup until the signal to noise ratio got too small to tolerate and finally B3ta.

Fell in love with B3ta through a link from The Register publicising the Introducing Monday spoof. Been here ever since.

But I've never been to a B3ta bash. So to try and put that right I've decided to organise one in London for 26th November, venue to be arranged.

A few people who I'd really like to attend are:
The Ginger Furher
Mr Trinder Esq
Rachel Swipe
Wascally Weasel
Scary Duck
Stusut79 - I'll even buy you a pint
Mr And Mrs Pachey
Soapy Norris
Mad McMad

Fuckit - anyone and everyone. Add your names to the calender - venue will be sorted out by next week.

www.b3ta.com/calendar/event/763

And I *know* this is the wrong place to do this. I'm sorry.

But it's a works night out tonight and I'm already

MOD EDIT- All replies to this on this board will be deleted - reply on the calendar link please!

LEGLESS EDIT - I knew I'd get spanked for this but he's right. Reply on the calendar please. Still, it's been *weeks* since I've been in trouble here......

MOD EDIT - Who says I'm a he??

LEGLESS EDIT - OK. I'll bite. "You're my favorite mod. I've always liked you. There's something in your aura, in the way you write that just lights up the world.... Why don't you come to the bash I'm arranging and, afterwards we can go back to my hotel and talk about B3ta, about writing and how you came to be so incredibly attractive...." (Now I hope it bloody is a woman or people might talk....)

Another MOD EDIT - if it was a woman she probably can't reply. No doubt she's feeling nauseous. Keep your chat ups/conversations for the other boards please.
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 20 Oct 2005, 15:40, Reply)

Kingpin - A True Story
Was a young 10 pin bowling champion. Average score of 250, highest score 282. Not bad at all... until a beautiful girl - let's call her Sandy - joined my team.

I was transfixed, mesmerised, besotted for the first time in my 11 years on the planet. Suddenly I couldn't hit a pin anymore. Left gutter - bingo. Right gutter - bingo. The pins? Nada. So much so I left the league to go and get a life.

Didn't see or hear from 'Sandy' until my first term in year 1 of secondary school. Yes, 'Sandy' was there. She was dog rough, from the local estate, and nicked my Art homework to get good marks. Still 'urts.
(Error 404 - Username Unknown, Thu 20 Oct 2005, 15:38, Reply)

Her off t'telly
Lynda Carter as Wonder Woman may have turned my young head - as it were. I clearly remember watching a scene where she'd been running and was breathing heavily (if you remember her costume you'll understand). "Wait a minute, young Calgacus me lad," I said to myself as I experienced a most unusual feeling. "I think we're on to something here."

Vive la difference!
( calgacus Non sum qualis eram bonae sub regno Cynarae, Thu 20 Oct 2005, 15:30, Reply)

Spitroast
Matthew and Stephen Briggs. Identical twins. Grade one (ie aged about 5/6). Why??!!

I never did get to have two guys at the same time (curses).
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Thu 20 Oct 2005, 15:23, Reply)

I never had much interest in girls
until I was about 15 when I realised there was more to life than Hasegawa and Games workshop, discovering instead the delights of beer and loud music leading to the inevitable women. One friday, I finally had the chance to go to a real all night party, along with a group of blokes who were all 18 and thought I was a little turd to be tollerated. After having my beer nicked, a very attractive, older woman called Vanessa started talking to me saying how good looking I was and how it was so bad the way everybody else treated me, and after half an hour of chatting had my first bj and then all night sex. So she really was my first love in all senses of the word. Lasted 2 weeks though and left me thinking that all women were as accomodating. Took another 4 years to realise they weren't.
( The Beast can't help looking at womens breasts on the tube, Thu 20 Oct 2005, 15:21, Reply)

Fay
She lived a couple of doors down. We would always hold hands and sit on the swings together. We always talked about how we would get married and have lots of babies.

We were only 6, so we had no idea where they came from.
(jimi.vicious regrets criticising the American electoral system!, Thu 20 Oct 2005, 15:06, Reply)

james lowe...
i was 5 and he was 6 and although we didn't ride on horses made of sticks, we lived in buckinghamshire and he was lovely with blue eyes, freckles and strawberry blond hair that was nowhere near ginger.

i nearly died of embarrassment when my then best friend grabbed him in the playground and said, "james, rswipe really likes you." but he went very very red, clashing with his pretty hair, and stammered, "i like her too," before running away. we moved up to manchester the next day and i never saw him again.

if only i'd known that was as successful as my love life would ever get!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 20 Oct 2005, 14:59, Reply)

Debbie Harry made me realise I wasn't gay.
I thought that because I didn't madly fancy girls at age 9 that I might be gay. Then I saw Debbie Harry in Blondie on Top of The Pops, singing Denis Denis. At this point I knew I was heterosexual. Only constricting trousers and the lack of onset of my puberty by this age prevented everyone else in the room from realising this too...

Edit: Um, I did't mean that liking Blondie music means you're straight, I mean I looked at Debbie Harry and thought "Ah, so that's what the fuss is all about about girls. I'd like some of that when I'm a bit older and not so socially awkward*"

*This was some time.
(Wascally Weasel now with 100% fewer jokes., Thu 20 Oct 2005, 14:47, Reply)