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This is a question B3TA fixes the world

Moon Monkey says: Turn into Jeremy Clarkson for a moment, and tell us about the things that are so obviously wrong with the world, and how they should be fixed. Extra points for ludicrous over-simplification, blatant mis-representation, and humourous knob-gags.

(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 12:53)
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No smartphones in pubs!
First offence is a warning.
Second offence is a fine.
Third offence you gets you set upon by rabid badgers.

And anyone found to be using a smartphone to cheat at a pub quiz will be summarily executed.

I'm not some horrible fascist. Since I got a smartphone, I've been as guilty of this as anyone. And I'm afraid rabid badgers are the only way I'll learn.
(I've never cheated at a pub quiz, of course. Anyone who does this is a cad, a bounder and a rank bad hat. Shooting's just good enough for them.)

There are some exceptions of course:

1: Taking out your phone to answer an actual phone call is acceptable. Unless you've got a crazy frog or similar novelty ringtone. In which case: badgers.

2: Checking football results online is similarly excused, as this will ignite hearty conversations. This is only allowed on Saturdays, in a pub without a television or radio.

3: Using youtube videos to keep a small child amused whilst you drink.

4: Using a smartphone to find the way to the next bar, kebab house, strip club or taxi rank.

There are also some exceptions that work in the opposite direction: Offences so dire that you jump straight to rabid badgery, no matter how many blots you have in your metaphorical copybook.
These include:

1: Using a smartphone to put an abrupt stop to a promising round of pub-based bullshitting. Nobody's actually interested in how many caps Nobby Stiles got, damn it. The argument is the point!

2: Using a smartphone to check stocks. In any context. No arguments. Now shut the fuck up, finish your croissant and get out.

3: Posting to any social network whatsoever.

There you go. Simple, commonsense solutions for a blight that has plagued us for too long. And of course, building up business for my rabid badger dispensary. Cushy government contracts here I come!
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 15:39, 10 replies)
I agree on many points here, with the exception of the final point
As I don't always remember who would want an invite to the pub, I find posting a status on Facebook to be a far easier method of getting the word out.

But as for those who cheat at quizzes by using their phones, can they skip the warning system, and simply get their fingers broken?
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 15:41, closed)
I changed it from broken fingers to rabid badgers.
But pub quiz cheats can get both. Then they will be shot.

Facebook is an acceptable tool to get people *to* the pub, but once they are there, its work is done.
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 15:43, closed)
I agree.

(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 15:45, closed)
Perhaps get some otters to bite their fingers off Terry Nutkins style.

(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 15:47, closed)
I like the way you think!

(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 15:48, closed)
Agreed on most points except 3)

And yes, that includes the beer garden.
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 15:49, closed)
Not even if they're cage-fighting for your amusement?

(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 15:51, closed)
^^^ THIS ^^^
Idea of the century, bar none.

It'd get people back into pubs.
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 15:53, closed)

Children cage-fighting rabid badgers?
(, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 0:44, closed)
(, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 1:15, closed)
Clicks for both
"In which case: badgers", and the almighty phrasing "rabid badgery".
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 15:52, closed)
You are definitely on to something ...
... I like the rabid badgers idea.

I was attacked(*) by a badger once ... evil little fucker.

(*) when I say "attacked", I mean I was fishing early one morning, and it advanced down the bank a-hissing-and-a-snarling (think: cartoon Tasmanian Devil in a Newcastle United football shirt), intent on snaffling my packed lunch and my bait. I did the courageous, manly thing, and ran like fuck.
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 15:58, closed)
I, too,
have clicked for "in which case: badgers".
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 16:04, closed)
Please send badgers to The Fox and Hounds in Caversham, please
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 16:14, closed)
Would sir care to investigate our money-saving combo offers?
Three free tuberculotic weasels with every score of badgers purchased.
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 16:18, closed)
Didn't realise you were from Reading Scary, I know the Fox very well. I live about 10 mins from there.

Not that I frequent, it was a shit hole 10 years back, sure it's better now though.
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 17:16, closed)
Lennon and McCartney played there in 1960
Paul's cousin owned it. Is this part of the folklore there?

Also: CLICK!
(, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 0:08, closed)
Surely ipads fall under these rules?
I was once traumatized by seeing two, yes TWO, separate people using ipads in a pub. I even think one of them was on a date with (and ignoring!) quite an attractive woman. Sickening.
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 16:18, closed)
Absolutely. Shooting, broken fingers, badgers, weasels, otters, the works.

(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 16:20, closed)
The full Mustelid Monty, eh?
I like the cut of your jib
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 18:26, closed)
Even the gunmen will in fact be highly trained stoat assassins.
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 21:13, closed)

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