Happened about an hour ago...
One of the guys in my dept (who shall remain nameless) called David was offering round some "treats" brought back from a trip to Germany.

"Sorry, couldn't get any German chocolate - would you like a sausage?" he enquired, proffering said miniature delicacies...

"no thanks", says I ... "They're famous for sausages you know" says he..

"Yes, famous for Pork sausages" I replied. Long pause while I wait for him to get it.

"And I'm still Jewish".

*heh heh heh*
(zarf, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 12:19, Reply)

cinema...
A group of about 15 friends went to see Matrix Reloaded and half of us went in to get seats whilst the others got popcorn, however on entering they went to the otherside of the cinema. Any normal person would have just walked over n got them but it was a big cinema, so I decided to half stand, wave and shout one of the guys names, not thinking it would actually work. "Wiilll!!!" the whole cinema stopped talking and looked round (i'm talking 500++), I even managed to time it so that the music stopped! to top it off someone else in the cinema having quick timing decided to shout "I love you!" of course it appeared to have come from me, even worse the friend was gay! hmmmm
(anudeglory, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 12:19, Reply)

Woke up at a party...
...to hear some hardcore breakbeat music playing right in my ear. I was trapped in a hot, stuffy basement and wanted out, so I loudly complained about this "music of frankly abysmal quality". Everyone went quiet, and Stu pipes up "actually I wrote that". Oh crap.

I stuck to my guns though and declared it to be poo and said it needed guitars. Oh dear...
(gavD, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 12:10, Reply)

just thought of
another one.
my flatmate's sister and her boyfriend work with autistic kids. we were in the pub with them once and they were talking about what it's like working with people who suffer from autism. i suddenly said, again for no reason whatsoever, "do thay have any special powers? can they, like, fly and stuff?"
they both take their jobs very seriously and were not amused.
( krang, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 12:06, Reply)

Common Mistake But..
The usual spell checkage foul up happened to a mate of mine while she was the PA for a very high up person in a government department. Sent out an official email with "Sorry for the inconvenience", which of course got changed to "incontinence".
Only it went to someone with crohn's (?) disease which apparently causes control problems with the old choccy starfish.

Oh, and walked in the pub, sat down next to my mates girlfriend who had her back to me and asked Why she'd dyed her hair. Turns out no bugger had told me the old one had been recently ousted for a newer model. I did finally realise when she turned to look at me and a very awkward silence ensued.
(CactusBert, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 11:57, Reply)

i was at a party
with my new flatmates. i was chatting to one of them about travelling, she told me she'd been to the world trade centre a few years ago.
for some reason i then said "did you go on the day they had that special ride on?"
there was then an awkward kind of silence. for the rest of the night.
( krang, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 11:50, Reply)

Walked into work one day...
..and there were more long faces than an aardvark convention. Even the boss, who was so chirpy you wanted to strangle him, looked glum.
"Bloody hell- who's died!" I quip, to lighten the mood...
"Well, you know C--- ..." - a quiet girl in the office.
Apparently she dropped dead the night before...

wah.
( hplasm, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 11:45, Reply)

Shit happens
In front of my friends (including gay couple) my Mum turned to my Dad and said “The dog’s done a poo in the garden……… best you get out there and do some turd burgling”.

Naïve Mother insists that she was unaware of the connotations.
(Jenska, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 11:41, Reply)

This happened last week!
I was round my friends boyfriends house with the two of them and he was showing me a funny text message on his phone, but i was laughing about the fact that 'anyone' had been spelt 'eneywone'. I kept giggling about 'first time i've seen 'one' spelt with a w!' and such like until my friend quietly said 'Yeah...he er has a bit of trouble with spelling'. It was then that i remembered he is dyslexic...

And i've known since the first day I met him last year...

I spent the rest of the evening wishing i was somewhere else and it never ever happened!
(Mogg Questioned her own sanity on, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 11:40, Reply)

I was once online talking to mates
through an instant messenger.. and my mate Holly had some guy on her msn list , i cant remember his name.. but anyway we were in a 3way conversation and i didnt know anything about him .. and so i said in a joking way.. whos ya daddy... and he said "my parents both passed away in a car crash when I was a small child.." i felt so bad.. but to make it even worse, he carried on with his 'boring' heartfelt story of how he was raised by his aunt and uncle and how theyd spend their sunday afternoons and blaahhhh blaaaaah .. im never making that mistake again!
(pyramid_mindfuck, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 11:28, Reply)

The Horror
As a youth I had a friend by the name of Conor (well, he's still a mate even if the bugger moved to Oz) who spent a great deal of his time round my gaff. One particular day we and my parents were sitting in the front room chatting away...they asked where his girlfriend was and me, being the wag that I am, decided to make something of the fact that it was a Sunday and she was from a frighteningly religious family. What I MEANT to say was, "she's probably wearing hessian and kneeling by her bed praying for forgiveness". What I ACTUALLY said (and, for the life of me I will never understand why) was, "she's probably kneeling by her bed in tight black underwear." It was the worst freudian slip of my life. Parents looked gobsmacked, Conor gave me one of those looks which suggested impending violence and I, for my sins, could only compound the issue with a simple, "oh, fucking fuck.". The end.
(The_Bishop begged for death on, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 11:01, Reply)

summer job
I had a summer job in a supermarket while I was at university.

I was packing people's shopping on the tills once when this woman turns up with absolutely tons of party food in two trolleys - all little sausages and vol-au-vents etc.

She was thoroughly miserable and I was in quite a jolly mood, so I said to her (by way of cheering the miserable bitch up)

"I think I can see a party coming!!" (imagine big grin across face as well).

She replied "Actually, its a funeral".

(now imagine the speed of disappearance of aforementioned big grin)
(bodger, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 10:57, Reply)

mate of mine
popped into the office. The secretary was heavily pregnant, and as a result of this, I suppose, had a hUUUUge arse.

He was coming in as she walked out of the door. He said loudly "Cor, your bums getting big isn't it!" we all creased up and she went red. He (apparently) had meant to say "bump"...yeah right.
(teasus likes tea, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 10:40, Reply)

My Gaffe
A comedian friend of mine has a big part of her show about how useless Rape alarms are if you are attacked by a deaf rapist. One night, after imbibing far too many drinks post-show, I, unable to conjure coherent sentences, quoted the immortal arting gesture....

"Don't run into any deaf rapists on the way home".

She still talks to me. I'm Stunned.
(domesticterrorist, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 10:31, Reply)

When I were at college
I congratulated my English Language teacher on her pregnancy.

Only she wasn't.

Also, at school I got caught trying to write translate "Mrs Wood (my form teacher or summat) is a bitch" into french by my French teacher. There were rumours that he was her secret boyfriend. He was certainly very upset.
(teasus likes tea, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 10:25, Reply)

twatberries
i was hanging around outside my mates house waiting for him to have a dump when 2 kids and a mother came along. the kids had spears made of tree branches and were stabbing anything in range. kid A says "mum, im hungry" doofus A (me) says "you could go catch your dinner with the spears. a nice juicy rabbit" mother A says "we're vegetarians, thank you very much" and stomped off with kids A and B in tow.

cue me shouting after them "well, you could stab some berries" in a pathetic attempt to not be a twat
(speedymarks, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 10:17, Reply)

Hot off the Press, and wasn't me
I was just having Friday work drinks, and a mate came to meet me. I introduced him to Pete - hello Pete, says my friend. And continues "so which one is your twunty Kiwi boss, the one you hate?". Ah. That will be Pete. Can't wait for next week...
( Strangey is present at, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 10:08, Reply)

I have a mate
called "Brain Dead Brian"
which was all fine and dandy till his dad died of a brain haemorrhage.
I managed to remember not to call him by his nickname for about a week.
Then, one night, not long after the funeral, a group of us were in the pub, and in walks Brian.
"Ey-up, here comes Brain Dead - where've you been hiding ?"
says I.
We're still mates.
( The Mighty Gusset Doesn't Care - And Doesn't Care Who Knows It !, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 9:50, Reply)

Dead person
Years ago at school, we knew this guy who's best mate had topped himself. We all retired to the pub to act uncomfortable and symapthetic. He was sat there, and suddenly said

"I just can't believe it, he's my best friend"

I piped up

"You mean he was your best friend"

Luckily, he saw the funny side of it. Christ, it was touch and go for a second.....I am a twat
(fried gold, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 9:44, Reply)

Football
My name is Ron Atkinson and at the end of a Champions League tie, I stated that I thought that Marcel Desailly was a lazy f**king n****r.
I thought the microphone was off at the time but it appears people watching television in the middle east could still hear me. As a result, I have lost my job.
Oh how I wish I hadn't opened my big, fat stupid mouth.
(keify34, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 8:41, Reply)

Renee Zellwegger
A couple of years ago, a firend of mine who was a drama student managed to blag the two of us onto the set of the first Bridget Jones film as extras. It was the big Public Schoolboy bitchfight scene between Firth and Grant and we were background diners in the Greek restaurant.

What had originally seemed like a world class blag became pretty boring after about four and half hours of watching two fops fumble at each other.

In a long break between takes, my mate and I got round to the inevitable conversation of whether or not we considered the divine Ms Zellwegger to be up to our lofty standards of procreation.

Bored and ratty, I responded just a tad too loudly, "Zellweger? No way mate - I'd rather shag your mother than that tubby cunt."

We were removed from the set very quickly to a stunned silence including a puce leading lady.

Apparently they had to reshoot some scenes because we'd fucked up their continuity. Good.
(Greatest Bloke, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 7:16, Reply)

This makes me smile actually...
We have group meetings every Tuesday evening. One evening as we're all gathering, it's mentioned that a former group member took it upon himself to take attendance whenever the boss wasn't there.

"What kind of an ass-kissing shithead would do that?" I asked rather loudly. No one really answered and the topic was quickly changed.

Later that night I realized the guy that had been sitting next to me had started taking attendance after the other guy left.

Meh.. He was an ass-kissing shithead.
(hairyfro, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 7:10, Reply)

not me, but my friend, and it was brilliant.
since my friend and i were in junior high, we've been calling our circle of friends our "people". well, we grew up and she got herself a First Nations (is thet the pc way to say it these days?) girlfriend. so anyway, the long and short of it is that the girlfriend's old circle of friends (a group made predominantly of HUGE native men) came to visit. the girlfriend was off getting ready so my friend answered the door. she greeted them politely, then yelled "Sandy! Your People are here!"

the room went silent.
(raggedy anarchist, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 6:22, Reply)

eatin' burritos
and me and my two friends were talking about what our parents would have named us had we come out the opposite gender than we are today (my friend John narrowly missed being named Octavia- hee hee). My other friend was awfully quiet, and I chalked this up to the fact that she doesn't have the best relationship with her parents. So I asked "What would you have been named if you were a boy?" to which she responded "My parents weren't really expecting a boy." Exuberantly, I loudly proclaimed "Well, it's a good thing you weren't a disappointment, then!"

At which point I realized she had actually said "my parents weren't really expecting a *child*."

Still, expected or no, they had nine whole months to think of both boys and girls names. Lazy cunts.
(Mabel DelTaco, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 4:55, Reply)

Not really a personal gaffe, but.
A few years, ifnot decades ago : I was playing pool with my friend, in this really great coffeeshop (I'm from the Netherlands, so no drinking coffee in there *wink wink nodge nodge*), which was just across the street of where i was living, and i used to hop in once and awhile to shoot some pool.

This coffeeshop used to be full of black people, but we (being white as white) never really minded, as we never had any problems with them, or they with us.

Playing pool wasn't charged per hour, but you could insert coins to retrieve all the balls : Thus , making the 8-ball kinda holy, as when it went in, the game was over (or lame switching to 'purple whole is the 8-ball now')

So halfway the game, my friend almost knocks in the 8-ball, and , in horror of seeing the game being ended so quickly, and thus kinda losing your money, i shouted out :'WATCHOUT, FOR THE BLACK ONE !'

Almost as in a movie i imagined the barmusic to stop immedeately , every black dude in there looking at us two whities :)

Did not go back for a game of pool for some time ;)
(NoSoup4U, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 4:01, Reply)

friend of a friend....
...was driving into town after a long trip with some friends. Excited to be in town, and spotting a shitfaced woman staggering down the sidewalk, he yelled to his friends in the car and out the window with increasing volume, "tonight we're gonna get WASTED!!!" Yelling the last word very loudly, of course, at the moment they passed the woman, whereupon said friend of friend realized she was not drunk but severely disabled and struggling simply to walk down the street.
(Mabel DelTaco, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 3:45, Reply)

I love my local pub.
Was just in there having a couple of beers, and the bartmaid and I (who happens to be black) got talking about family stuff. My brother is gay, so I was telling her this.
She's all yeah, my brother's gay and handicapped........at which point I quipped "bet he has no problem finding a job then"

She just looked at me.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 3:23, Reply)

i'm 20 now but when
i was in reception class at primary school - i used to know a lad called david gotheridge- being a curious young chap i once caught sight of his jabba whilst he was taking a pee - i noticed there was something different about his beast and i said "what happened david?" - he explained something about an operation...

Fair enough - i realise now it was circumsised.

But being 4/5 i made the mistake of telling my brothers of my discovery- to THIS DAY they still say "what happened david?" to get on my wick, oh and it works. oh yes....

The only redeeming point about the story is me discovering that david gotheridge (when we did in time fight over something irrelevant in primary school) twisted slightly is david got-no-widge.

Ahh happier times.
(stomm, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 2:45, Reply)

Just a few weeks ago, actually...
Before the professor had arrived to class one afternoon, a friend and I were chatting with a few of the other students. I forget exactly what the conversation was about, but at one point we were teasing someone else for a previous incident in which they'd been particularly shocked at something or the other - “We thought you were going to have a seizure!” as one of us cleverly put it.

“Yeah, we thought we were going to have to put a spoon in your mouth to keep you from biting off your tongue!” I added, thinking I was being, if possible, Even More Clever.

“It's actually very hard to pry apart someone's jaws to do that, you know,” said my friend. And continued, completely nonchalantly: “I've had to before – for my mother ...” [who has multiple sclerosis... a fact which I had *known* before, but somehow had managed to completely slip my mind...]

I haven't stopped cringing since.
(hortensius, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 1:33, Reply)