diamond !
I found a diamond in a 5+ star hotel in saudi arabia once.

brought it home, cubic zirconia innit.
( squid head, Thu 6 Nov 2008, 19:16, 2 replies)

Working as a proctologist in Penge..
.. I was performing an inspection of the puckered chutney chute of a septegenarian male (which smelt for the world like Bovril), when there sprang forth from this aperture, a shiny 20pence piece.

Thinking that I'd hit the jackpot and this patient was paying out, I hastily gathered a bowl to catch any further coin of the realm which might spring forth, but sadly I was only greeted with a deluge of feculence so foul smelling that it curdled the milk in the fridge.
(Vic Flange, Thu 6 Nov 2008, 19:10, 8 replies)

I don't have a thing about bra's, OK?
This has absolutely nothing to do with my wife or stepdaughter, in fact it happened years before I met them.

I have two daughters with an ex partner, at the time I'm talking about they'd been living with me for a few weeks but had just gone back to their mum.
Because I'd had to leave work to look after them I was very very lucky to be given my job back when a friend mentioned that I was now available, but it was going to be about a month before I was getting paid, and (of course) the DSS stopped giving me money when the kids went back.
So I was literally down to loose change with a week to go until payday. I knew I was going to have to have at least a couple of days without food, and would be walking the two miles each way to work each day.
Then, I was going home that night and kicked a carrier bag. It felt like there was something in it, so I checked and there's a brand new bra (38F if its of any interest) and a M&S receipt, for cash, for almost £40.
Too late to go in the big Manchester branch that day, I rang the next morning, said my sister had bought it for my mum but she didn't like it, could I return it and get the money back?
"Yes, of course Sir"
I could eat and buy a weekly bus pass until payday.
So, unfettered big breasted lady in 1999 in Manchester, sorry but thank you.
(paof2 Nude might not be rude, but rude could be nude..., Thu 6 Nov 2008, 18:59, 1 reply)

this qotw
ive found many things in the past so il not list all of them..... however
i found 50 quid in a tin can in the park once

i once found about 8 ounces of bluberry weed in a flat a mate was moving into( good weekend that turned out to be)that was recently ive still got most of it left good shit too

thats about all for now
(imgunnabesick rawr ^ \_/ ^, Thu 6 Nov 2008, 18:44, Reply)

Big money....
When I was 11 and living in Germany, I found a DM 500 note in the NAAFI, in a little plastic folder, just lying on the floor.
It would have been worth about £125 at the exchange rate in 1982.
Shoulda fucking kept it but like a twat I handed it in. Mind you I'd have struggled to spend it as I think my old trout would have noticed me handing over 500 marks/buying tons of crap I couldn't have normally afforded on my five marks a week pocket money. Still, at least I got the warm fuzzy feeling of being honest. Yeah coz that really made up for it.
( Sallyrsm, Thu 6 Nov 2008, 18:42, 1 reply)

Another post has just reminded me of the time
I accidentally* found some porn in my very seedy, dirty, smelly housemate's bedroom, and decided to see whether it was any good.

The film title was 'Dirty Anal Debbie Does Rome', which really ought to have put me off already, but I continued. I watched (read skipped on 16x speed) several minutes of Debbie taking all sorts of things into what can only be described as the most slack rectum in the multiverse, and the worst thing about it was that she really didn't seem to be enjoying it at all.

Anyway, the next scene begins, and lovely Debbie is sitting in her Roman villa with some lovely, if slightly odd-looking, gal pals. The scene continued the way that they always do, the girls started kissing and stroking each other, they all took each others' tops off and sucked happily on all the lovely boobies. My little brain was happy to have stumbled upon what seemed to be a fairly normal section of an otherwise very nasty video.

Debbie then bent down, kissing one of her girl friends as she went, seductively peeling away her tight, flourescent pink dress... only to go and reveal that her female comrade actually had a very BIG cock, and I really do mean BIG . It would have put GIGANTACOCK to shame.

I felt dirty and disgusted with myself, I felt as though I was going to be sick. It was horrible, and it took me at least two minutes longer to come than it usually does.

*shudder*

*ok, I was snooping for porn, I knew he had it
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 6 Nov 2008, 18:40, 3 replies)

when i was in halls at uni
i found a good luck card belonging to a former tennant down the back of the drawers in my room, the creepy part however is that we both had the same name
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Thu 6 Nov 2008, 18:34, Reply)

I once found a plectrum
that someone had left on a table at my old uni hall. It was the best plectrum I've ever owned. Such a lovely sound with an acoustic.

But then I lost it.
(Le Moribond is not dying, clearly., Thu 6 Nov 2008, 18:28, 2 replies)

Jehovahs witnesses
I found on the weekend that they don't like the following questions.

1. So, on what day of the week did God create the dinosaurs?
2. The truth you say. What physical evidence do you have that your bible is in fact "the truth"?
3. Is says in the bible that Lot's wife was changed into a pillar of salt. Could you please explain the chemical processes that she went through as I don't believe it is physically and chemically possible?
4. As only 144,000 can get into heaven, wouldn't converting me, a top salesman, make it less likely statistically that you will enter heaven?
5. Why do you wear those leather gloves?
6. Would you mind if I shat out of the upstairs window while you wait here underneath?

Please feel free to add a few suggestions for me to try..
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Thu 6 Nov 2008, 18:02, 13 replies)

There was this eccentric known as The Procrastinator...
...ah balls, I shouldn't have put off telling this story for so long.

/sorry
(Prohibition69, Thu 6 Nov 2008, 17:34, Reply)

Free pron
I found a pirate DVD of some hard core porn.

I watched it, made a copy, wrote "free porn, please watch it and pass it on", on the front of the DVD and left it on the seat of a bus.

I wonder who has it now?
(Andy-Bhoy I'm here all week, try the veal., Thu 6 Nov 2008, 17:28, 4 replies)

Just porn?
I once found a penis extension!

Walking to school one day, this strange "thing" attracted my attention. It was a fleshy coloured two inch block of dense foam. Only after turning it about in my hand I realised it had a sculpted helmet.

It was disgusting, so I did want any school child would do. I threw it at a friend.
( Weejock, Thu 6 Nov 2008, 17:28, 2 replies)

When I was at Uni I lived in a bungalow

As such the living room was in the centre of the house with rooms all around. This was good: Big room, this was also bad: no windows except a rubbish skylight into the loft. (which had a sklight on the roof)

Anyway the only light was a very special looped flurescent bulb that invariably blew within a week. Our landlord was a pikey scumbag and never got around to fixing it, but as resourceful students we found a way!

We saw it on the way back from the pub on a sunny Wednesday afternoon, peeking a cheeky little corner out of a skip outside a different pub that was being refurbished.

We could hardly believe our eyes when we got close, such a thing of beauty had never been within reach of mere students!

It was the enormous, electric, lighting up sign from the pub! It was 2 meters long and more than one meter high. On it were the imortal words "Bar Oz" and a lovely picture of Australia.* It was pretty messed up, but we had faith!


Getting it home was to be fair a bit of an issue, it weighed a ton and we were'nt allowed on the bus. But to cut a long story short many swear words, gallons of sweat, 1 broken toe and 2 irate pensiors later we got it home to the bungalow.

It took up an entire wall of the living room. Perfect!

The next day was spent cleaning, rewiring and generally fixing the behemoth up. After some toil, many electric shocks and a good quantity of beer and biftas, it was ready.

Blackpool can lick my hairy pouch, it was amazing. Well I say amazing it actually gave off fuck all light, but through a smokey haze it was a thing of beauty.

*this was later used as a refrence for some Geography coursework, this may explain my Desmond.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 6 Nov 2008, 17:27, 1 reply)

I found flares
Not the trousers, but the bright, burning projectiles traditionally used to signal distress at sea and attract the attention of heat-seeking missiles.

I was walking to school and they were lying by the side of the road. It was a row of five tubes in a plastic casing, with a sliding trigger on the side. Olive green, so presumably it was military.

I did what any sensible schoolboy would - stashed them for later. We took it down the park after school and gave the responsibility of firing them to the most irresponsible child, then stood well back.

Nothing happened.

It was a disappointing end to an exciting day. The appointed gunner took them home, promising to remove the flares from their casing with his dad's tools. He wasn't missing any body parts the following morning and gave various excuses for the whereabouts of my impotent flares. Despite his earlier bravado we assumed he got nervous and threw it away.

I just hope he discarded it in the road for someone else to discover.
(Happy Harry Hard-On is naked and wearing only a cock ring, Thu 6 Nov 2008, 17:13, 2 replies)

I went to sit down in my favourite chair in Ikea a few weeks ago
And found two pounds on the seat. Profit! In Ikea? Unlikely!

But as for a *thing*, easily the best thing was when, aged 7, I found a 2ft high ammonite fossil on a beach in Devon. My mum's "friend" said she'd look after it, and never passed it across to me. Ever.

I still want it.
(niceandwarmandhot vive la résistance, Thu 6 Nov 2008, 17:10, Reply)

tenner
Went to see ET with my sister. I was 9ish, she 16ish. At the end I spotted something in the aisle in front after it had cleared, ran round, it was a tenner!

Picked it up and foolishly brandished it in front of my sister who promptly whipped it out of my hand saying 'we had better hand this in'.

Then the stupid bitch marches out and hands it to this geezer standing outside the theatre saying 'I don't know if you work here but my brother found this and I just wanted to hand it in'.

'Don't worry, I'll take care of it' he says and promptly pocketed it.

She still thinks she did the right thing, bitch.

Every now and then I wonder what I would have made of myself if I had sensibly invested said tenner, then I come back to earth knowing that I would have blown it all on sweets or buying a mate's rain-lashed hedge porn...
(mersault, Thu 6 Nov 2008, 17:09, Reply)

Busted ! (Not the group)
After leaving the girlfriend in the house by herself for several hours, I returned to find that my entire porn stash had been used to 'wallpaper' my bedroom. Naked ladies spread eagled everywhere !!

I personally thought it was a great improvement, she on the other hand.. went through the fucking roof.

Thank fuck she didn't find my stash of 'Disability Porn'.
(TheRiddler Hmmmmm... I concur., Thu 6 Nov 2008, 17:02, 8 replies)

I found this mugging
I was out walking one afternoon and come across a right palava. Some thugs were mugging a kid who was sprawled across the floor. I came over calling for help and they legged it, leaving this kid on the floor and these two servers next to him. He must've been taking them somewhere and was spotted; it's well known around here for people to be mugged for their shoes, let alone two computers. So there was no-one about to call for help, so I helped up the poor kid and got him and his hardware back to me shack.
I got him rested and after while he comes around. Apparently he knew me from around here (some rumours or bollocks about me causing some trouble a while back) and was happy that I found him when I did. He was more happy to see that I'd retreived the servers too, but one of them seemed to have taken a knock during the attempted mugging. I knew a few things about them, so I offered to see if I could clean it up. We managed to power one up and he got an email message on the server from this woman client, asking for some help on a job as long as he could get there as quick as possible; it was cash-in-hand so it was a priority. I'm into I.T. a bit myself, so I though "anything for a hobble" and offered to give him a lift. He'd had a rough day so he was happy for the offer. We loaded up the car and sped off towards town.
As we get just outside the city-centre we get unexpectedly stopped by the police as a routine stop. "Oh ffs" I think to myself as I go through all the reasons why they'd pull me over. The kid's looking at me nervously too, as if I'd done something wrong. I mean I'm just giving him a lift, he's the one going for the hobble. The copper asks for ID, so I wave it off telling him I don't need to produce me details for 7 days. Before him or the kid can mutter anything, I can't be arsed to waste our time here so I tell him straight "These aren't the droids you're looking for" and pull off, ready to find my hobble. Seemed to work, we were not followed for a while.
Got a nice hobble with her, although the life insurance policy didn't cover for saber-related deaths. I was gutted, literally.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 6 Nov 2008, 16:58, 3 replies)

found a tangled mess - IN MY MIND.
OK, this story is actually true. In fact it happened just this afternoon.

I was sleeping, and I dreamed that I met up with Tammy Williams, the best-looking girl at my high school. Anyway, somehow I ended up forming a budding relationship with her, but in the manner of dreams the details of this weren't clear. I went over to her house, and it turned out that her flatmate was my ex-girlfriend, Julie Vella.

And then it was really awkward, because I really preferred Julie, but I'd made a promise to Tammy, and I was kind of hoping that she'd break up with me or find someone else or turn out to already have a boyfriend...

Yep, even my wet dreams are dysfunctional.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 6 Nov 2008, 16:37, Reply)

Train fun
Do you ever do that thing on a train where you turn your bluetooth on and see which funny phone names are on there? In a carriage frequented only by very smart, quiet, sleeping businessmen, I found a phone with the name "Goat Sex is Fun!"
(GONEism, Thu 6 Nov 2008, 16:36, 14 replies)

Stash Bonding
I'm sat here at my desk on this gloomy November afternoon contemplating an economic outlook as piss poor as the drizzly grey weather. I won't dwell on the current climate (economic or meteorological), instead I'll invite interested readers to join me as I reminisce about warm carefree summer evenings, long, long ago...

... The summer of 1986 means two things to me. The first of these things is the genesis of my apathy towards football thanks to being the only 12 year old boy playing in the street during the first week of the summer holidays as everyone else was sat indoors watching England predictably lose.

The second memory is of the fleeting bond of friendship that was forged in adventure by three twelve year old boys and ultimately broken apart by mutual mistrust. We've all grown up now and gone our separate ways. However, I daresay they both remember the events as vividly as I do for the same reason. We all learned a lot about human emotions that summer.

Firstly, we'll introduce the awkward geeky kid with long gangly limbs who's curly hair was forced unwillingly into an unflattering side parting - me. Then there was the somewhat spoiled cocky and assertive leader of the trio - Robin. Lastly there was the portly ginger haired kid trying hard to assert himself - Neil.

Misfits one and all, we spent the long and languid summer days talking about Raleigh bicycles and girls. The latter discussions were charged with languid and exotic promise as the harbingers of puberty coursed through our veins. None of us had ever kissed a girl, although each of us sought to outdo the others with embellished fanciful stories about the objects of our affections.

All very innocent now but back then the delicious whiff of salacious scandal hung thick in the air as we trudged along the footpaths bisecting the big grassy fields adjacent to a large gravel pit near our homes. Portia Clemence had once shown me her nipple (this was in fact true), Susan Jones had saucily flashed her pants at Robin, Neil was trying to find the words that would draw an adoring Liz Foster into his arms for keeps - or the end of the summer holidays at least.

And then we happened upon something which would change our lives forever.

A few feet away from the seldom used footpath, amongst the bare earth and gravel was a makeshift shelter. Our territorial instincts piqued, we investigated further and discovered three empty packets of Hula-Hoops, a red tartan blanket and two glossy magazines bearing a scantily clad lady on the front which hinted at the treasures which might lurk contained within the pages.

"They belong to somebody! It's wrong to just take them!" I protested.

"But it can't hurt to have a look?" said Neil

"We can't hang around here. What if it's some nasty bloke who made this shelter and he catches us?" said Robin.

With myself as lookout, Neil and Robin picked up a magazine each and slipped it up their shirts carefully. Giddy with excitement, we scrambled back to the footpath and made our way carefully to a small copse nearby, fearful that an adult we knew - a teacher, a next door neighbour perhaps - might approach us and find the forbidden bounty we were smuggling away.

And thus the most deliciously scandalous afternoon was had, pouring over the full page photographs and reading aloud the stories, interspersed with gasps and sniggers of delight.

"Clarissa cooed with delight as I finally parted her lips and slid my cock into her inch by inch as she demanded that I fill her hungry pussy..."

Wow. This is what sex must be like.

Some of the women in the magazines were in their early twenties the thought of the private company of such mature women made us yearn for adulthood. Oh yes, we were aghast that twenty one year old ladies only ever wore stockings and lacy underwear underneath their daily clothing.

The onset of our approaching dinner times meant that we had to return the magazines and run home before we were missed. Robin had other ideas though.

"Hide them in the hollow of that tree. No-one will find them there and we can come back later and have another look".

"Yeah!"

We agreed to keep this a wonderful secret between the three of us. A vow of self-satisfied silence about our find was quickly made as we departed for home, wearing great big shit eating grins on our pre-teen faces. We'd finally seen naked ladies. We were practically men.

A week later, with the first flecks of gold starting to bite into the green leaves that marked the approaching end of the balmy summer holidays we went back to check our secret stash for one last look before returning school. Once again I was lookout as Neil and Robin groped into the hollow of the tree and retrieve the bounty.

"They're gone!" Robin cried with anguish.

"Which one of you is playing a trick on us?" I hissed in reply scarcely believing that someone could find them in that good a hiding place.

"Somebody must have followed us here and taken them" said Neil

With that, the mood began to turn sour. It had to be Neil who'd taken them. It had to be. Robin hurtfully threw charges of pilferage in my direction. Our indestructible bond of friendship was breaking apart amongst the mutual mistrust and ultimately shattered as the accusations turned into an exchange of blows.

And thus we returned to school the next day, each of us coldly acknowledging the others, unaware that the mood was a foreboding warning of the jealousies and Machiavellian misdemeanour that would eventually rear their ugly heads when we did eventually start dating girls for real.

Ah, the summer of 1986... We found treasure but ultimately we lost our innocence.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 6 Nov 2008, 16:27, 11 replies)

Ah, more porn, found and left to be found
My brother and I would occasionally go dumpster-diving in back of the shopping center across the street; there was a bookstore in the shopping center and I think everyone knows of that lovely bookstore tradition of ripping the covers off of books and tossing them out.

One day while in search of more free reads, we found that the store had also tossed out a bunch of magazines--including the ever popular porn. What a find! Even better--we then spent the next 2 hours rampaging through the neighborhood behind the shopping center, ripping out naughty pictures and placing them where other people would find them. I'm sure many a businessman was happy upon going to his car at 6am and finding porn plastered to his windshield. I'm sure many a housewife was confused upon going to her mailbox at 4pm and finding porn slipped in between the envelopes.
(fai is rocking khaz modan server as of, Thu 6 Nov 2008, 16:23, 2 replies)

I've found
that fat birds are more likely to swallow because they're always hungry.

Sorry.
(w4I4q1O1 was hard at work on, Thu 6 Nov 2008, 16:17, 10 replies)

I was in Thailand
and took one of the bar girls back to my hotel.

After some kissing and foreplay, I found she had a dick and balls.

So I bummed her and refused to pay the twenty dolla.

Good find?
( The Scrunt Wants a Dozen Pints, Thu 6 Nov 2008, 16:14, Reply)

When I was in engineering school
I was walking across campus to a class when I found a dollar bill.

"Cool!" I thought as I picked it up.

Then I noticed another. And another.

Then I noticed that they had blown out of a dropped wallet under a car.

I picked them all up and opened the wallet. Inside was a couple hundred bucks, a couple of credit cards, a driver's license and a student ID.

Aww, fuck. This girl's gonna be freaking out.

I could take it to the campus security office and let them sort it out...

...yeah, and a bunch of cash would likely go missing.

Fuck.

I put the wallet in my pocket and took off my backpack and dug out paper and pen. I wrote: "Hi. I have your wallet- you dropped it under your car. Please call me at (804) 123-4567 so I can get it back to you." And I stuck it under the windshield wiper.

When I got home there was a message. After a bit of phone tag I agreed to meet her at one of the classrooms the following morning. I recognized her from her ID photos and handed her the wallet. She smiled and thanked me, then looked inside it- and her face lit up. "It's all here! All of it!" She pulled out a twenty and pushed it into my hand. "Thank you! Thank you!" And she hugged me before taking off.

That was one of my better finds, really...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 6 Nov 2008, 16:13, 7 replies)

One more, then I'll leave this alone for the day
I found myself in Edgware once after a long drunken night out.

I'd stayed out all night and hopped on the Northern Line as soon as it started up to get to Balham.

Now, I have on many occassions woken up in Morden. Most people have.

But this time I went into such a deep sleep that the next thing I know its about 2 hours later and I'm in Edgware, at the wrong end of the Northern Line.

Pissed off at myself, I got off the train and went to the shop to get a paper and some lucozade.

I got back on the next train, settled down to read the paper and finally go back to Balham.

And two hours later woke up in Edgware again.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 6 Nov 2008, 16:13, 1 reply)

Grandmotherly treasure
Rooting around in my nan's house when I was a kid I found a box of ace old games, including a Stylophone, with a picture of Rolf Harris on the box and everything.
It had the sheet music to "Jake the Peg" in it.

Just in case you don't know the wonder of the mighty Stylophone: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dubreq_Stylophone

Quite possibly the most horrific instrument known to mankind. And perfect for pissing off narky grandads.
(The Apeface Cherub is not a cunty-uber-cunt, Thu 6 Nov 2008, 16:11, 8 replies)

Mondays at school.
We used to charge out for lunch every break and our school had some rather expansive grounds. I lost count of the number of times we found used condoms. This was junior school so each find was treated with much excitement and it invariably ended up on a stick being thrown at some unsuspecting kid.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Thu 6 Nov 2008, 16:11, Reply)

LOST
Several copies of my modelling portfolio.

May have been around a public park.

Contact Mindy Melons, c/ apeloverage.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 6 Nov 2008, 16:09, Reply)