If at all possible, try not to be Welsh.

( riverghost servicing your mum since, Sat 22 May 2010, 11:58, 3 replies)

One of my favourite ones:
Shurely bindun?

Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you do criticise them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes.
( Snappyuk gets BIGGER with free sample., Sat 22 May 2010, 11:26, 1 reply)

Don't trust...
Anyone that carrys a dog. Or go out with a girl with smaller underwear than you. Or wears a hat when they drive. Hey, I don't make the rules!
(beatpig understands subliminalesbianmessagaying., Sat 22 May 2010, 10:45, 5 replies)

Never
Never let your ability to fuck up outweigh your ability to blame some one else for it.
(Captain Spacker I lick windows, Sat 22 May 2010, 10:31, Reply)

Magazines
My advice for a happier life is to stop buying magazines.On the face of it they may seem an interesting or enjoyable read, but their subversive message is that you are inadequate, your stuff is crap and you need to spend more money you don't have.

I used to buy lots of magazines, I used to want lots of stuff, now I don't want stuff I don't know about and so I am much happier.

Magazines are always selling stuff to you. There are the obvious adverts, then there are the advertorials - advert that look more like editorial, those are pretty obvious too. Then there are the reviews, news, top 10s etc that totally look like objective editorial but are all, in fact, influenced by advertising spend.

Take any computer, car, or random hobby magazine. On the front page it might offer 100 tips on how to make the most of your kit in the recession. Inside it will tell you how crap your stuff is and that if you were SERIOUS then only the super-duper brand new top of the range kit is good enough. What you previously enjoyed will now seem second rate.

Womens mags are the same. They suggest fashion tips to get that designer look on the cheap - but it is still that expensive designer look that you'd crave. All hung on super-models photoshopped to perfection and then they sell you boob jobs and laser eye surgery.

Don't buy the magazines, save money, be happy with what you've already got, you don't need then to tell you what you need.
(funkmotor is not the droid you're looking for, Sat 22 May 2010, 10:17, 6 replies)

Words to live by
Never trust anyone who says "Trust me".

I find it generally means they're trying to convince themselves as well as you and don't know what they're talking about.
(xanthine, Sat 22 May 2010, 10:16, Reply)

Sharks will only attack you if you are wet.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Sat 22 May 2010, 9:59, Reply)

"Real men don't eat quiche"
From my uncle Steve who uttered this when I was about 13. I've stuck by it ever since and it hasn't let me down once.
(gearanach #wankwankwank, Sat 22 May 2010, 9:54, 4 replies)

Life is unfair
Kill yourself or get over it.

Thank you, Luke Haines.
(Pie of Meat ___°¬¯O¯____\o/_____/\_,____Y¯¯Y, Sat 22 May 2010, 9:49, Reply)

On any road trip...
... make sure you have a jack, a wheelbrace and a good spare tyre. It helps to have water, oil, gaffa tape, some wire (bare and insulated) and spare fan belts.

You might not not know how to use them, but the AA guy or random passer-by in a scruffy van full of tools will.
(gordonjcp, Sat 22 May 2010, 9:14, Reply)

Shit happens...
...deal with it.
(donkiddick, Sat 22 May 2010, 8:49, Reply)

Parental guidance
Most of my mental trauma and subsequent daddy issues can probably be attributed to my father's sex advice talks. The advice generally wasn't the best part of it, it was more the wandering ramblings that often degenerated into reminisces of his sex life "back in the day." The three events that are seared into my memory are as follows:

1. At 16 years and 160 pounds: "Don't worry that you haven't had a boyfriend yet, someone's going to appreciate you even though you're a bit large. After all, the chunky girls I dated in high school were some of my favorites."


2. After he figured out the difference between condoms and condiments:
Dad: "Never use condoms. It's like having sex with your jeans on."
Me: "Uh... okay."
Slaggy sister: "It's true!"
Me: *facepalm*
Dad: "Oh wait, I just remembered AIDs. I guess you should use condoms."
Me: "Uh huh. That's what I thought."
Dad: "Yeah, ALWAYS use condoms."

A few weeks later he came home and told me he had something for me. I got excited that it was an actual present, but it was just a cheap condom he'd gotten out of a machine in a gas station restroom. Dad, obviously pleased with himself, exclaimed "it's called bareback, y'know, like Brokeback Mountain."

I didn't have the heart to explain it to him.


3. Because I was a late bloomer, my dad insisted on telling me every few months that there was probably a man who could love me somewhere out there, because love is blind and all that trite hogwash. One time this somehow led to him telling me about the year before he met my mother. To the best of my memory: "I was dating two other women when I met your mother. That was back in '85, and AIDs was really happening back then. It's lucky I didn't catch it, because I really slept around in the year before I met her. Hell, I must have slept with at least thirty women that year, and that was back when only sailors used condoms."

Thanks, dad.
(Exempt OH WOW, VICODIN, Sat 22 May 2010, 6:55, 1 reply)

Women
Treat every woman as if she could be the mother of your children.

But don't expect her to be.
(ChiTown Guy Dating when 35+: sane, single, attractive - pick 2, Sat 22 May 2010, 5:09, Reply)

Whenever life gets you down...
Wank it off. (As opposed to 'Walk it off') - IT WORKS.
( dirtyscarab intends to live forever. So far, so good..., Sat 22 May 2010, 4:46, Reply)

If you're happy and you know it
clap your hands.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Sat 22 May 2010, 4:30, Reply)

Golf
is a good walk ruined
(mwngaloid, Sat 22 May 2010, 3:28, 1 reply)

.
Know when to hold them.

Know when to fold them.

Know when to walk away.

Know when to run.

Never count your money when you're sitting at the table.
(whoops, Sat 22 May 2010, 2:52, 1 reply)

My Dad
is full of great advice this one time he imparted a to me (a small youth at the time) a wise snippet of advice when i was asked what i would do with my birthday money.
The advise he gave me ?
"Don't take anything literally"
What warrented such advise?
Why me saving up for laser eye surgery so i could burn stuff with the power of my retinas of course.
(shake'n'bake Tally Ho, Biatch!, Sat 22 May 2010, 2:19, Reply)

tipping
You should always tip when you receive good service, but don't tip the person you are sleeping with, you'll make them feel cheap.
(roguedevil, Sat 22 May 2010, 2:13, Reply)

I don't need no good advice
I'm already wasted
( Cloudane, Sat 22 May 2010, 1:48, Reply)

Single?
When on the look out for a potential partner, always remember these three factors:

Single
Attractive
Mentally Stable

Pick two.
(PassTheKhat, Sat 22 May 2010, 1:09, 2 replies)

always make three back up copies
first in case media fails
second in case tech fails
third is now your only copy
(piggy, Sat 22 May 2010, 1:01, Reply)

Lord loves a workin' man; don't trust whitey; see a doctor and get rid of it. (from The Jerk)
and on a more serious note a couple that have stayed with me:

There's no pockets in a shroud (from i dont know)

You gotta be one of the good guys son, cause theres way too many of the bad (from Preacher)

When you are lying on your death bed its not the things you DID do you regret. (from My Dad)
(DreddPirateBob has watched every scifi film ever on, Sat 22 May 2010, 0:54, 5 replies)

rough sleep
If severe drunkenness, missed train, unfamiliar surroundings and lack of any other option has led you to contemplate sleeping under some bushes in the station car park for a few hours until first train, do make sure you carefully lay down with your fingers plaited neatly across your chest or similar 'intentional posture cues'. Otherwise a brief glance from a passerby at your loosely splayed body will convince them that you are in fact a corpse and they will freak out.
(piggy, Sat 22 May 2010, 0:41, 2 replies)

If you have your cake...
eat it!

Why wouldn't you?

I never understood why the popular saying says that you can't. Then again, I'm a big unit, so don't get between me and my cake. Or else. Nom nom.
( ForecastMonkey, Sat 22 May 2010, 0:23, 8 replies)

If
you eat any more crisps you'll turn into one. (a crisp).
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Sat 22 May 2010, 0:21, 1 reply)

from my grandad
advice from my grandad whos been married for 60 years and always been happy bless him:
never go to bed on an argument!--seems to have worked so far

Dont marry the one you live with, marry the one you cant live without!!
(funksoul, Sat 22 May 2010, 0:21, Reply)

People you meet through the internet, who tell you they've recently broken up
usually mean they will break up if you turn out to be better.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 22 May 2010, 0:20, 1 reply)

worth remembering
Many a mickle, makes a muckle.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Sat 22 May 2010, 0:17, Reply)

Serious stuff, this
Health
Always dry between your toes
If you have no toothpaste, brush your teeth anyway.

Driving somewhere?
If you think you might have taken a wrong turn, you probably have.
Following your sat nav system faithfully can leave you up the creek, literally.

www.themorningbulletin.com.au/story/2010/05/07/tourists-follow-sat-nav-road-to-nowhere-gps-leads-/

Always carry some drinking water and a blanket on long car journeys. You can end up in Bloggsville to find there is a sports tournament on and the place is booked out.
(Redemption blamed it on the Bossa Nova since, Fri 21 May 2010, 23:52, Reply)