Step forward my Gran
"I can't afford to buy cheap" a variation on the "buy cheap, buy twice" thinking. More costly items are generally supportable long after superficially similar but substantively inferior goods have failed and required you to buy them again. My watch is twenty two years old, my Chelsea boots have recently been re-soled for the second time and this laptop I'm typing on is ancient but thanks to being easy to work on and upgrade does just fine for web work.

Now, some of you might be thinking that this is simply me telling you to be a tight arse but I see it a bit differently. By choosing my perishables with a bit of discrimination, I generally have the money for the things that matter- a drink after work with my team or a nice meal with the Mrs. I do generally believe your stuff can end up owning you so pick your gear carefully and let it carry on indefinately whilst you live your life.
(Leonard Hatred briefly did some work on, Sun 23 May 2010, 12:46, 2 replies)

"If life is shite, you're doing it wrong." - my mate Tom.
He's right, too. It's a question of attitude. Circumstance can get you down, but you're attitude to it makes the difference.

CF Terry Waite, Nelson Mandella, etc.

It's good to remind someone who's moaning of the above two people.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Sun 23 May 2010, 11:24, 6 replies)

'Never leave it to the bloke
'cos he won't be having any babies, will he?'
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Sun 23 May 2010, 10:44, 4 replies)

A local homeless chap...
...once jumped out at me - an eight year old Beetle at the time - and my mum. He was known for talking to himself unintelligably, and was banned from all the local shops for being drunk.

On this occasion, however, he turned and looked me directly in the eye. I'll admit, I was a bit scared (not quite to the level of sharting, but it was touch and go for a while) but I'll never foget those words of wisdom he spoke unto me: "You've only got one head, so make sure you don't lose it."

It's actually sound advice, if you think about it. Anyway, the story goes that he was a brilliant (and rich) scientist, his wife died, and he went crazy and started living in a tent in a field. So really, he must have known what he was talking about.
(beetlejuice Go and boil your bottoms you sons of silly persons, Sun 23 May 2010, 10:39, Reply)

Microsoft Gamerscore/Playstation Trophies
The higher your G, the less actual life you have.
(kitescreech still here, Sun 23 May 2010, 9:10, Reply)

Told
to a college chum by some wrinkled old fella in Australia:

"There's a steak in every pint"
(kitescreech still here, Sun 23 May 2010, 9:09, Reply)

Never marry a lamb.
They're all compulsive gambollers.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 23 May 2010, 8:43, 2 replies)

If you don't talk to us how can we help you.
I didn't because the friend saying this had been through enough and was part of my problem. The person I tried to talking to didn't want to know.
If we'd talked at the time then maybe it would have destroyed the friendship. Maybe strengthened it but we wouldn't be four years down the line not entirely comfortable with each other with past events always hanging over us.
(jvz, Sun 23 May 2010, 7:58, 1 reply)

There's a 99% chance
that your beatboxing doesn't sound like anything other than someone going "uh - tssh - uhuh - tssh."
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 23 May 2010, 5:02, 2 replies)

I never trust a man
who doesn't have at least one vice, no matter how innocuous. Don't know where I picked this one up, but it has rung true many times to become advice to myself.As far as I can figure it, they have nothing better to do but envy those who enjoy something in life and do their best to try to make others miserable. And fail.Miserably.
(goorf, Sun 23 May 2010, 4:31, 6 replies)

If the doctor says it's advanced cancer
wait for all the test results to come back before you freak out, cycle to the pub, get drunk, come off your bike on the way home and dislocate your shoulder. You'll feel a right prat a week later when you find out it's nothing so serious but your shoulder needs surgery.
(knackerz is skinning up, Sun 23 May 2010, 3:31, Reply)

2 quick ones before bed
when having a widdle if you piss on the toilet seat wait until you've finished to wipe it up or you will end up pissing all over your hand.

I was out in the pub having a few beers in the pub I got talking to an elderly chap of 82. When we were leaving he imparted the best advice I've ever heard "Lads, don't get old. It's fucking shit." Beautiful in it's simplicity.

length, well you can see why I've never had a girlfriend.
(Hitler's other ball. R soul., Sun 23 May 2010, 3:16, Reply)

There was an old man from Thirool
who soliquised thus to his tool:
"You took all my wealth
and you ruined my health,
and now you won't pee you old fool."
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 23 May 2010, 2:38, 1 reply)

Prompted by the fairly dim mention of tattoos in the newsletter...
I present to you some excellent advice, which comes up any time tattoos are even mentioned, and many times when they are not.

"Don't get a tattoo (or "I would never get a tattoo"). It'll look rubbish when you get older."

Hmm. That's a very good point you have there, person-who-ain't-thought-this-through. But could you clarify something for me?

PWATTT: What?

Why will it look shit?

PWATTT: Well, you'll be old. Your skin'll stretch and sag and so forth.

Really? And that'll ruin the tattoo?

PWATTT: Yeah, so, like...don't bother.

You make a good point. One thing though.

PWATTT: What?

(Deep inhalation) If I'm so saggy and old and droopy, and I'm long past my youth and prime, and the memory of being a bronzed young Adonis/Aphrodite is merely a memory, if not outright fantasy, and I have gone the way of all flesh (downwards and outwards, mostly)...if my scrotum is in fact the least wrinkled part of my body or my tits are best friends with my knees...basically, at the point in my life where being attractive is a distant memory...do you think a tattoo is going to even register when I'm looking in the mirror and bemoaning how fucking unattractive I am? Or do you think I'll be glad to have the memories? Hmmm?

PWATTT: Er...I didn't think of-

Evidently.


The shorter version I use when this comes up in conversation is:

"How's that going to look when you're 80?"
"As shit as the rest of me." (In fact, it's usually "As shit as the rest of me, Mum". I have to say this a lot. I think she just likes hearing the word shit, I guess. Why else would she keep on asking?).
My only explanation for people continuing to come out with this wank about tattoos apparently ageing while you remain in perfect stasis is this: tattoos are stuck in the public psyche as 'something you do to rebel', which means that people assume by the time you're at the tartan-slippers-and-cocoa stage, you won't want it. Of course you're going to regret it. It's a tattoo. Or it could just be that quite a lot of tattoos are shit to begin with.
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Sun 23 May 2010, 2:19, 10 replies)

Sage advice.
Granddad: More than a mouthful is a waste.

Said to me aged 14 in front of the family. Very embarrassing.

Teacher: Never stop asking questions.

Plenty of people: Don't stick it in there.
(badfox1 wonders who he's played by this episode on, Sun 23 May 2010, 1:48, Reply)

Do you like to go to the cinema?
Then switch your bloody phone off
(Sadarse works like Mist condensing mud flaps, Sun 23 May 2010, 1:01, 1 reply)

Sage advice from my childhood
Courtesy of Stimpson J Cat.

"Don't whizz on the electric fence!"




And I never did.
(The Cosmic Fool Became aware that the bird is indeed the word on, Sun 23 May 2010, 0:47, Reply)

To those who value their eardrums
Do not draw attention to the adder slithering past as you walk on the Yorkshire Moors with your wife.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 23 May 2010, 0:06, 1 reply)

Reminded of something a friend said
"Before engaging on any new enterprise, ask yourself this: if it goes wrong, can you kill ALL the witnesses?"

At the beginning of this month, I was taking part in a tug of war. With Gurkhas. From an actual Gurkha regiment (QOGLR, if you must know).

And we were winning.

Bless 'em, they don't hold grudges, the murderous little chaps.
(all my scars face forward possesses 2.5% of a hyperalloy combat chassis, Sat 22 May 2010, 23:55, 2 replies)

Also
"Never pass up the chance for a pee"
(Trauma, Sat 22 May 2010, 23:47, 2 replies)

Distilled from a man who has had two major car crashes and two bouts of meningitis....
"You woke up this morning. Make the most of it. Every day is a good day when you're walking around on the grass, not laying underneath it."
(Trauma, Sat 22 May 2010, 23:26, Reply)

My mum always said...
If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker
you had better put a lock upon your stock
or some joker who is quicker
is gonna trick you of your liquor
if you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.
(thanatos, Sat 22 May 2010, 23:25, 1 reply)

Revealing my geek heritage here...
... but here's a few from some sci-fi / roleplay thangs:

"Remember: when you are with a party that contains hobbits and you come across a dragon that you don't have to run faster than the dragon."

And one that is actually profound and should be followed by everyone:
"Love like you will die tomorrow: farm like you will live forever"

And bonus points to whoever can pinpoint the origin of these gems:

"If it can’t be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion."

"A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, con a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects!"

And the absolute, all-time classic:
"Never start a fight... - but ALWAYS end a fight."
(brumguvnor www.twitter.com/brumguvnor, Sat 22 May 2010, 23:09, 4 replies)

Arguing on the internet is like entering a shit-eating contest...
...even if you win it just means you've eaten the most shit.
( yes yes yes man oi mate, someone's writtten 'bum' on your neck, Sat 22 May 2010, 22:43, Reply)

Not me
But from one of my ex army pals.

If you uncover what looks like an unexploded WW2 mortal shell while digging a fire pit.
a/ do not prod it with a shovel to see what will happen.
b/ if you hear a click and turn to your mates to see if they also heard that and see them running away like fuck, drop everything and follow them
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Sat 22 May 2010, 22:38, Reply)

If you're going to do something stupid,
don't worry about the consequences - DEAL with them
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Sat 22 May 2010, 22:35, Reply)

Some hangover-avoiding truisms
1. Don't mix the grain and the grape

2. Don't mix cider with anything. In fact, don't drink cider.

3. For best results, drink any white spirit (no, not actual "white spirit" from B&Q...)

4. Speed matters: three pints in an hour are more likely to give you a hangover than six pints in a whole evening.
(rogerzilla, Sat 22 May 2010, 22:16, 6 replies)

From my mum, as quite a young teen venturing out into the world one saturday night:
"You're gonna go drinking, I know, so don't get too pissed and save some money for a cab. If you do any drugs then start slowly, and don't do anything from needles. Oh, and if you have sex, wear a condom."

I like my mum.
(Irregular Joe last touched ham on, Sat 22 May 2010, 22:08, 3 replies)

The sky is falling

(Evilweevil is covered in bees, Sat 22 May 2010, 21:56, 4 replies)