Sage advice
I have lived my life by this and it has always seen me good.

'Stay out of the black and into the red, Nothing in this game for two in a bed'

Thanks uncle Jim.
( Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver I have very beautiful lips, Thu 20 May 2010, 22:23, 5 replies)

Alcohol
The cause of, and solution, to all of lifes problems. HJ Simpson
(Sadarse works like Mist condensing mud flaps, Thu 20 May 2010, 22:18, Reply)

From my parents to be passed on to my kids when the time comes
I WANTS, DON'T GET!

By crikey they were right. Who'd have thunk it.
(gdcoey, Thu 20 May 2010, 21:59, 1 reply)

Never walk downstairs with your hands in your pockets...
When at sea, sleep with your arse to the bulkhead and your mouth shut...
( writerblock ... embedding disabled by request on, Thu 20 May 2010, 21:55, Reply)

Always be suspicious when a man brings you flowers..
He has either done something wrong or he wants to.
(lympicita_ie, Thu 20 May 2010, 21:54, Reply)

if you can't dish the piss
don't piss in the dish
(Mortal Wombat - he's just an excitable boy, Thu 20 May 2010, 21:53, Reply)

Wise Wine Words
Beer before wine, you will feel fine.
Wine before beer, you will feel queer.
WKD before Aftershock, you are a twat.
(costas, Thu 20 May 2010, 21:36, 5 replies)

Advice from my Grandmother
When as a wide-eyed teenager I came back from from my first term at university.

Well I'm sure you're making loads of new friends so don't forget to wear a condom, 'cos you don't want to get her pregnant.

She was 85 at the time.....
(Sir Tainley Barking Ezekiel 23:20, Thu 20 May 2010, 21:21, Reply)

After dropping something on the kitchen floor
and being told to eat it anyway my mum said "you'll eat more dirt than that in your life".

And d'you know what? - she was right.
(karnuvap, Thu 20 May 2010, 21:21, Reply)

if someone says "dont worry I'm not gonna punch you"
deck them quickly they are thinking about it
( hyperspacial puggling, Thu 20 May 2010, 21:19, Reply)

Wise Sage at Bar
Complimentary Roasted/Salted Peanuts/Cashewnuts etc contain fecal matter
( The Scrunt Wants a Dozen Pints, Thu 20 May 2010, 21:12, 1 reply)

I Asked A Lightning Expert What One Should Do....
...If you climb to a mountain peak, only to discover nearby thunderstorms and that your hair is standing on end and that you can generate popping noises in the air just by swishing your pointed finger all around.

He said leave.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Thu 20 May 2010, 21:11, Reply)

See a pin and pick it up
And all that day you'll have a pin
( flatfrog Staring vacantly into space, Thu 20 May 2010, 21:07, 5 replies)

My Dad Said 'Beware Railroad Crossings!'....
Because that's where your car will stall!
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Thu 20 May 2010, 21:05, Reply)

My dad always said, "You're never beat, 'till you quit"
It has become my motto, because I seem to fail quite a bit. He was given six months to live with non-Hodkin's lymphoma, but lived for several years because he was too mean to be beaten.

Also falls in line with a statement that Pres. Calvin Coolidge made in the historic past on persistence (In reply).
( BrokenCoccyx doesn't mind if you grope on, Thu 20 May 2010, 21:02, 1 reply)

Stumbling Onto A Nudist Beach....
My friend said, "Put away the camera, take off your pants, and try to blend in!"
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Thu 20 May 2010, 21:01, Reply)

Advice I give blokes at work.
Use the alcohol gel AFTER you have exited the gents. For many men do not wash their hands and leave their penis germs on the door handles on the way out. And they're turny taps in there anyway, so the cock germs you washed off, you put back on your hands anyway AND other peoples cock germs!

Would you put another mans penis in your mouth? WOULD YOU?!* BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU MIGHT AS WELL BE DOING!

Maybe it's because I'm a chronic finger nail chewer that I have to worry about these things.


* One said yes.
(Big Smurf Brush me daddy-O, Thu 20 May 2010, 20:43, 8 replies)

If someone wants to fight you..
run like fuck, guaranteed he has mates with him waiting for it to kick off
(micmac is happy as a pig in shite, Thu 20 May 2010, 20:34, Reply)

My mum said....
Never trust a catholic. She never said why, but considering the pope is catholic and so was Hitler I think she had a point.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Thu 20 May 2010, 20:25, 1 reply)

My mom always said, "Don't get into a pissing match with a skunk."
It has served me well throughout life.
( BrokenCoccyx doesn't mind if you grope on, Thu 20 May 2010, 20:24, Reply)

the fourth estate
The only thing you can trust in a newspaper is the price on the front of it.

Oh, and people who buy albums in Tesco's don't actually like music and are therefore idiots who are not to be trusted.
(square go, Thu 20 May 2010, 20:04, 1 reply)

Draco dormiens numquam titillandus.
And I numquam did.
( Pretender, Thu 20 May 2010, 20:01, 2 replies)

My father
When I was a lot younger taught me the Rudyard Kipling Poem 'If'

Still some good lines in there.

www.kipling.org.uk/poems_if.htm
(uk_viper stopped lurking on, Thu 20 May 2010, 20:00, 3 replies)

My Dad..
In a pearoast..Told me not to trust (In no particular order)
Yorkshiremen, Welshmen, Salesmen, Musicians, Men who wear pink, Men with tinted lenses, Men that keep their change in a purse, Men that drink white wine. Men that are seriously one-footed when playing football.

He just told my brothers to look for a girl with a big arse that drinks red wine and smokes cigarettes. Because they're more fun.
(Beer Elf Thought this was like a campfire, anyhow, on, Thu 20 May 2010, 19:59, 2 replies)

NEVER
trust a man whose eyebrows meet in the middle.
( Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver I have very beautiful lips, Thu 20 May 2010, 19:56, 6 replies)

You could have someone's eye out with that.
Only really works if the advisee wants to remove someone's eye.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Thu 20 May 2010, 19:54, Reply)

My older brother was a mechanic
One day after school, at the tender age of 14, I wandered over to his garage with a despondant gloom on my face.

"'Sup mate?" he asked, throwing me a sideways glance as he rummaged around in the engine bay of a knackered Sierra.

"I got slapped by a girl I like today," I replied, bottom lip a-wobble.

He stood up straight, back clicking and popping hideously, and looked me straight in the eye. "Listen little bruv," he mugged in his genuine Thames Estuary accent, "if it's got tits or wheels, it's gonna cause you trouble."

15 years later, this has proved to be the wisest thing I have ever heard in my life.
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Thu 20 May 2010, 19:52, 3 replies)

this is irrelevant but...
this qotw has already beaten the number of stories from the last week...
(ladyintheradiator, Thu 20 May 2010, 19:46, 1 reply)

From my Dad...
...a man that spent his formative years fighting, fucking and drinking his way around the world while in the Merchant Navy...

Be Good.
If you can't be good, be careful.
If you can't be careful, be lucky.
And if you can't be lucky, for fucks sake, don't get caught.
( TheMattInAHat has a particular... odour..., Thu 20 May 2010, 19:42, 1 reply)

Advice
Never trust a man in Adidas 'Samba' Trainers.
Thanks Jo-Anne!
(kilt101, Thu 20 May 2010, 19:40, 4 replies)