My next door neighbours brother
asked if he could check his hotmail account.
Fine not a problem. Next day I needed to print something. No paper in the printer. I fill the printer up and by jove what should pop out but a lovely full frontal nekkid photo of his mrs. She has some nice piercings and a very odd tattoo.
( DrPoppers Touched by his noodly appendage, Sun 12 Feb 2006, 15:12, Reply)

the perils of PC-Anywhere
back in the day, there was a program called PC-Anywhere that you could use to access your PC from another PC.

I was working in another building close by so I used PC-Anywhere to check my email.

I escaped back to my office for a quiet lunch break and while stuffing my face decided to browse the internet. While looking at a certain site (let's call it the Dyke Factory, for thats what it was) my mouse started moving. And I wasn't touching it.

Yep I'd left PC-Anywhere open in the other building and the occupents of that office were watching me open various porn related websites. The worst thing was I didnt know who was there and obviously couldn't raise the issue (so to speak) so I spent the next week or so in fear of a P45.........
(LargeDoner, Sun 12 Feb 2006, 14:02, Reply)

Possibly urban legend...
...but a good friend swears this is true.

Now, my good friend was a bit of a techy in his time, and lots of people trusted him to fix their computers for them. One such person was on his uni course and was having problems with his trusty 'pooter booting up, which was a bad thing because he had coursework to do. Or something.

Anyway, he left his PC with my friend to have it sorted. It was a pretty quick job, so once fixed, Mr Techie decides to have a bit of a root around the "My Documents" folder to see if there's any animal porn or anything which can be used to extort money.

There wasn't animal porn, but there were a couple of pictures intriguingly entitled "Me 1", "Me 2" and so on. Shameful self portraits? Very old photos of bad hair? Worth a look, surely.

In fact, it was a sequence of images from a flat-bed scanner. Images of the computer owner's man-sausage laid out on the scanning bed. In chronological order, from casually nonchalont to full attention, and one "post snake-spit". Yum, eh? Needless to say they were posted on the department notice board within days.

And that's why I never lick scanners.
(Fat Bear is adjusting your breasts on, Sun 12 Feb 2006, 12:29, Reply)

damn norton security suite
over the last three months i have been surfing during the day at work on one of the bits of machineary i use, well up to thursday, my boss came down, typed on little command and up came all my b3ta comments, including one saying my boss is a cunt,
images i made, items i bought off ebay and my credit card details,

he wasnt too impressed, until he asked me how does he remove his collection of scat from his machine upstairs as there is an audit next week

somethin about horse cocks seems to turn him on
( hooker1uk Filth monger of the lowest degree!, Sun 12 Feb 2006, 11:27, Reply)

Oh dear
I managed to find the cartoons that had set the Muslim world on a rampage. To my disgust no one had seen them so naturally I put them in an attachment and emailed it to every single contact in my list.
It seems that my university choices, teachers, friends that I don't want to talk to and right-wing muslim fanatical friends received them. Cue a lot of harsh emails being sent back.
(I don't lie I change the truth o.O, Sun 12 Feb 2006, 10:24, Reply)

Australia-England email
this time last year i was in australia and with all the fun i was having i had to email the photos of me to the mother and girlfriend back here in ole Blighty. Seeing as neither of them could manage to print them out the called my IT cousin to help, simple he says, just click PRINT ALL hes says..... ooppss seems to have started printing every pic from the harddrive he says...
porn, ex-girlfriends, ex-girlfriends porn all printing out nicely for my mum, girlfriend and smug cnut cousin to see
(tyler198125, Sun 12 Feb 2006, 9:15, Reply)

Years ago when I was married with two teenage sons and brand-new internet access
I found a floppy disc tucked behind some wiring under the stairs.

As soon as everyone was out I had a look at it, and found photos of handsome young men gymnastically pleasuring each other. Most artistic.

But who'd taken the trouble to download and hide it, thereby inadvertently revealing his Spongebob side? The paterfamilias? Butch Son 1? Geeky Son 2?

I shrugged and put the disc back. It was funnier not to let on. Time would tell, and it did.

It is likely that ALL you naughty b3tans, gay or straight, have been rumbled by the 'rents.
We were young once too, you know!


But porn was crap in those days.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Sun 12 Feb 2006, 9:04, Reply)

my friend was fired from his job in a sex shop
when his boss found evidence that he'd been looking at bus timetables on his work computer.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 12 Feb 2006, 8:11, Reply)

porn, ex-girlfriends and new colour printers
Even though I HAD a girlfriend at the time, I was an avid browser for hawt les porn, no big deal.

One day I proudly came home early with a lovely new printer & some great quality gloss paper... after installing drivers, software & cartridges I needed some hi-res "source material" to print out.

On my drive - in my hidden porn directory - I found a lovely picture of two blondes in a "mutual carpet-munching" pose, so I printed that out to check out the "skin tones" & "colour-quality" of the printer.

Very nice I concluded and put the full-size, full-colour picture in my pile of printouts from my previous rotten old laser printer...
Forgetting that I'd printed something out the day before for my then girlfriend. Then I went out for a drink with I.T. friends.

When I got home she looked like a family member had died & confronted me with the evidence.

To be honest I really could'nt have given less of a f**k because we we're on the verge of splitting up anyway.

But it was still worth every second!!!

HEHE!
I'm still single, ladies!
And very very happy too!!
(rentokill couldnt give a fuck, Sun 12 Feb 2006, 6:45, Reply)

TBL has a good method for clearing tracks
but I have a better one.

First, download Crap Cleaner (or Ccleaner,if you wanna call it that) and install it. Once that's done, run it and tick 'Internet Explorer', 'Windows Explorer' and on the Applications tab, tick Firefox (or whatever browser you use), Windows media player and quicktime (if you watch porn in .mov format). You should probably untick everything else, unless you know what it does. Now, on the right click 'Run Cleaner'. In a few seconds, all your tracks will be gone.

This isn't actually what I use it for, I use it to get rid of spyware hanging in the temp folders.
(That guy with a hat., Sun 12 Feb 2006, 2:31, Reply)

Nasty memorys
Back in the Win98 days Paint Shop Pro had a thumbnail browser, I showed my mum how to view our lovely holiday pictures using it.
Little did i realise it keeps the directory last viewed.
One day my mum invites a neighbour over to view the family photos, and all my lovely dildo infested honeys scroll down the screen...
I think she got real pleasure telling everyone over dinner what she found earlier, ffs.
( Mx-Dr Trying to be somewhere between an ape and a robot., Sun 12 Feb 2006, 1:55, Reply)

ALWAYS delete your inbox...
Me & my immediate boss email each other back & forth all day, thinking of new & improved obscenities. Our head of dept pulled us both in the other day & laid out every last email we've sent for the last month. Including one which said: cunty mcfuck and his bastard bagpipers, Which actually won me a prize for best swear of the week. However, I also forwarded him the Spakkerporn link from last weeks newsletter, which is probably gonna get us both fired. Which is, I believe, ALL YOUR FAULT! You fuckers! I hope you're all gonna chip in to feed our kids...
(13thfloor, Sun 12 Feb 2006, 1:28, Reply)

Pffft
I've never had any problems. Boot password, login/screensaver password, no autocomplete, history only lasts a day, external hdd.

If only I wasn't an asexual and had some porn worth hiding.
( Bob Todd whee, Sun 12 Feb 2006, 1:08, Reply)

ah, so many...
well, starting at the beginning, everything was quiet innocent... I have my own pc in my room, so obviously, it's very easy for me to have a sly wank. That is, until my mum comes in to use my pc for something and then asks me 'why is the mouse all greasy?'. Well, that's not too bad... easily talked out of.
The next time i got caught was after kazaa had just been released. I then found the wonders that were p2p and set about downloading various videos. As they downloaded, i watched them, just to check that they were to my liking for later on when i put them to good use. My fatal error was checking them in the middle of the day... Of course i thought this would be safe, as my pc is in my room... But no, i thought i was ALL alone until i heard my dad's voice from over my shoulder saying 'my, that's a big dildo...' *oh dear god!!*
Another time, my friend was over, and was feeling a been horny, and as he isnt a computer person and doesnt use the internet, i introduced him to internet porn, how to find, etc, and said that he was welcome to find stuff on my pc and have a wank if he wanted. The only problem was that my grand dad decided to turn up just as my friend shouted 'OH MY GOD DAVE, THERE'S SO MUCH PORN ON HERE!!' hm...

The only other time i can remember is when i was having a wank late at night (about 1am so that i was sure that my parents were asleep). I was perfectly happy, and just as i went past the 'point of no return' my mum walked right in and got a full view of me finishing into a handful of toilet paper... I felt like crying...
( Tu9 01100011011101010110111001110100, Sat 11 Feb 2006, 23:59, Reply)

University computers...
www.meatspin.com (NSFW) when given to you by a friend after an afternoon sitting in university looking at videos on the net (weebl, strongbad, fat-pie, kittens, etc...) you may not immediately realise the true content of the site

Perfect for the middle of a university computer lab, and oh so amusing sending to people you know that you can see from where you are sitting, as it loads up and they realise what it actually is on the screen

The link was then sent off to a couple of our lecturers (through a new hotmail address naturally, not [insert university logon here]@abdn.ac.uk) though nobody replied

University don't seem to check what we are looking at, at least nobody got in touch with my friend after we put him to ratemyboobs.com and all the other similar ones (more out of amusement to actually see if these sites exsisted)

oh, and the guy hidden in the back corner late in an afternoon when it was fairly quiet watching porn too

David
(442, Sat 11 Feb 2006, 22:58, Reply)

FRANKENHOOKER
A couple of years ago, the shared computer in our house(which happened to live in my bedroom) got an evil virus and because none of my family are particularly technically savvy,we sent it away to the magical techie folks who fix computers.
A couple of weeks and no small amount of internet withdrawal later,we got it back,and me and my dad set it up in my room and booted it up,waiting anxiously for any sign of trouble. it got all the way through startup without shutting down,so we cheered,and my dad got up to go. I decided to watch a DVD,and pressed the button to spit out the tray. To my irritation and reluctant amusement,there was a DVD already in there. "FRANKENHOOKER-BOOBS,BOLTS AND BONDAGE"
'uh,dad?'
'yes?' I held up the DVD,print side up
'is this yours,dad?' My dad looked horrified
'NO!'
'Well it isn't mine...' I said,smirking.my dad took the cd from me,and started laughing.
'open the CD burner' he told me,so I ejected the other drawer. sure enough there was a blank CD in there. Turns out the techies who had fixed my computer,had also been using my computer to pirate porn. F*ckers! I thought it was hilarious,but my dad got them fired. However,he kept that frankenhooker DVD,I'm certain of it...
(Skarlett_nailz, Sat 11 Feb 2006, 22:48, Reply)

Norton caught me out
There I was, weekend without parents, on their computer. Perfect time for a wank. Of course i'd delete internet cookies, history and pictures after. I wasn't STUPID. So I googled "Anthea Turner naked", no idea, but i had a fantasy of her wearing just a t-shirt.

Only about 2 weeks later to find out that the Norton firewall ALSO keeps a history, and also finding my parents always looked at the history on it.

They never mentioned anything, which I think is the scariest bit about it.
(b3tauser4, Sat 11 Feb 2006, 22:34, Reply)

Guide to completely safe surfing
As an IT professional, let me offer some advice on completely guilt-free browsing.

First, download this:
www.vmware.com/download/player/

This is free software which allows you to run a 'virtual computer' inside your own computer. You can get it for Windows or Linux (sorry Mac users, I guess you're all too counter-culture or something).

Then download this:
www.vmware.com/vmtn/vm/browserapp.html
This is a specially optimised version of Linux for COMPLETELY secure browsing. As it's Linux, no Virus, Trojan or other nasty will infect you. As it's a virtual machine, even in the unlikely event something did get on there, it'd never touch your real machine.

There's a very good 'Getting started guide' at www.vmware.com/pdf/bavm_getting_started_100.pdf Take special note of the paragraph at the top of page 4. Doing this will mean that no history of your browsing would ever be saved, as the virtual machine is refreshed every time it is run. This is the way (good) internet cafes work to stop dodgy browsing on a machine from affecting the next person's session.

If you need to save any files, btw, I recommend a USB flash drive. Just virus check it when you've finished with the virtual machine, then deal with it however you want on your normal machine. Maybe burning the contents to CD/DVD and hiding it with your regular jazz mags.

This was a public service announcement. And I didn't even charge a consultancy fee! The fun thing is that VMWare is owned by a massive billion-dollar corporation, and they're actively encouraging your dirty little habits.
(Bizarrity, Sat 11 Feb 2006, 22:20, Reply)

2 parents, 2 medium embarassing moments
A few years ago, when I was still brand new to this computer malarkey, my mum wanted to know the lottery results, and asked me to Google the site. She was standing over my shoulder as I typed in the "L" of "Lottery results", and for the split second before the "o" was entered, autocomplete offered a bouquet of more than 30 search terms, all starting with "lesbian". There followed a loud cracking noise as my hand broke the sound barrier in its approach of the aforementioned second key. She pretended not to notice.

These days I make people go away when I Google stuff for them.

Also, in the early days of p2p downloading (with KaZaA, the giant pile of spyware shite that it was) my stepdad forgot to remove the history after an all-night downloading party. Finding one file with the word "l0l1ta" in the name scared the shit out of me, but a friend I got to download it for me (no damn way I was watching it) confirmed it was one of those files that have as many keywords shoved into their name as possible. Phew.

Scarred for life from these events, and you've re-opened the wounds, b3ta, you bastards.
(youthink, Sat 11 Feb 2006, 20:54, Reply)

Another photo mishap!
I have my private photos stashed in a secret file on my PC. These piccies are the kind of nude and rude ones of me and my partner(s) you simply wouldn't want your family or anyone will a weak heart to see!

After having a quick browse through the piccies refreshing my memory of fun days gone by, the phone rings. While answering it, my dad sneaks onto the Pc to play online pool (the only thing he's found he is actually good at on the 'net) and finds the photos of all the compromising outfits, positions and bodyparts on show.

Quietly he mentions about *that folder* with the *photos* in and how they should really be moved so they can't be found. With a knowing glance he turns and walks out saying what he would have given to try half of those things "in his day".

Feeling like a complete and utter muppet, I moved all images on my mem' stick and carry them with me at all times! Not having that happen again!
(zookie, Sat 11 Feb 2006, 19:50, Reply)

I took a jokey photo of my boyfriend in the bath
and my son, snooping around, found it and posted it on b3ta, the little bastard.

It was 'shopped, 'shopped hard.

By the time Son rang me to 'fess up, the Boyf been imaginatively 'reposed' in various humorous situations (nekkid in a phone box, nekkid in a sidecar with Compo, nekkid in a bath of beans, on fucking fire etc) and recognised by several b3tans.

He hasn't lived it down yet.

His own fault- should have locked the bathroom door.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Sat 11 Feb 2006, 19:17, Reply)

Oh dear.
Unexpected "fault" with IE. Mum finds porn. Never stay logged on. Fuck.
(Dooley, Sat 11 Feb 2006, 19:16, Reply)

Google Image search
I'd been back from uni for about 6 months. Everyone was oh so proud of me for doing so well in my studies, marvelling with fond reflection at the well-presented gentleman in the graduation photo, and the hard work and sheer determination he'd put in to achieve the advanced level of academia so deserved of such a focussed, well behaved boy.

That is, until the vicar at my Mum's church decided - for reasons still unknown to me - to do a Google image search using my family name.

Up comes a website with a folder dedicated to a birthday party I'd had at my student house. Queue photos of me drunk to the point of collapse, snogging a variety of loosely dressed girls; photos of my friend slapping some passed out fool with his cock; and various items of parent-bought furniture being wrestled with in the garden.

Damn you internet. DAMN YOU!
(BeardyMat, Sat 11 Feb 2006, 19:13, Reply)

My bastard mate.
Oh the days of carefree youth... Well 2 years ago to be precise. It was a common practice when me folks went out, for me and my best mate to get as stoned as possible, then take it in turns to go on the PC and experience the wonders of modern technology. Of course cue one day, while I'm seeing to my case of the munchies I hear a loud "WHAT THE FUCK?!" Followed by a crash and uncontrolable fits of laughter. I come in and of course he's only gone and found my "alternative" stash. No hot lesbians here though. Just cartoons. Dirty cartoons. Lots of them. I don't know how I managed to stop him telling anyone. Though it works both ways as now I can't tell anyone about the massive vibrator, lube and sauce we found in his mum's bedroom.

Oh wait.. oops.
(Habacock, Sat 11 Feb 2006, 18:54, Reply)

Like other people, it's not my secrets being given away, however;
At my mates 18th birthday party, a joint effort with his dad, who was either 50 or 60, I forget. Anyway, you can imagine the kind of thing, lots of family, old ladies, young cousins, etc. They'd hired a projector so us teenagers could connect it up to his computer, and watch films. This was boring, and we decided we'd rather drink than watch these films, but after a while we ended up messing about with the computer. Someone thought it'd be interesting to enable "Show hidden files and folders" Looking in my documents, a new folder labeled "Movies" appears, forgetting the projector's attached, along with the houses sound system with volume on high. Someone hit return, twice.
( 0800221155 Coldseal windows, Sat 11 Feb 2006, 18:36, Reply)

gonorrhea
Just to set the scene:

I had been suffering from increasingly agonising pissing for a few days, and I was beginning to get worried about the whole thing. I went to the doctor and told him about it and then he started asking personal questions along the lines of 'you haven't been sticking it anywhere you shouldn't have you?' (his exact words). By this, I assumed he meant up someone's arse, which I had in fact been doing recently, but I resented the implication, so of course I said 'no I haven't' (I should have probably proudly hailed that I had, but that's just not me). He prescribed me some anti-bs and I went on my merry way. Anyway, things just started getting worse, and pissing started to feel like passing battery acid and on top of that I was getting some discharge. The discharge first occured one morning while i staying at a mates house, and I immeditaly got the fear and started looking up gonorrhea on his computer. When it turned I hadn't got all the symptons I breathed a sign of relief, shut down the computer and again went on my merry way.

When it had all cleared up, I told my mate about my water infection and he said suspected something was wrong when he loaded google and found three different spellings of the word gonorrhea in his google search bar. I said that it must have been his girlfriend searching for it, but I don't think he bought it.
(crumbs, Sat 11 Feb 2006, 18:32, Reply)

at last
on my part, a question worth answering.

I was fifteen and looking for porn on the internet. I found an erotic story, a five page tract of lesbian-based filth. Clicking on 'print', the ageing Epson creaked into life and started reeling off the first page. Whereupon there occured a paper jam. In a panic I tried to stop the printing, but to no avail. The paper was all mash up. Frustrated and fearing detection, I turned the whole lot off, pulled the chewed up paper out of the printer and went off to bed empty handed.

The next day I went to school and all was normal. After school, my mother took my sister and I to the hospital, where our grandmother was convalescing after an operation. The mood around the bed was quite sombre, as we weren't sure whether the operation had been successful or not. After pleasantries were done, my mother started ratching in her bag.

"Something odd happened today. I was trying to print out a fax on, and the printer started producing this... this... stuff!"

I looked on aghast.

Obviously, the printer had stored the dirty information and had printed it out at the next opportunity. But my mother was under the impression that a client of hers was trying to provoke her by faxing her this stuff, and had phoned him to put him right. He was innocent, and my mother looked a fool. The situation was by now excruciating for me, and my red face and obvious panic made my guilt all too apparent. Whereupon the others, followed by half the ward, started laughing at me. Harrowing.

Being caught out is bad enough, and it's happened many times since. But during a visit to what could have been my grandmother's deathbed? Worse.
(riuhiru, Sat 11 Feb 2006, 18:14, Reply)

So much for covering your tracks...
I discovered porn on the wonderful internets at about the age of 14. I was also a moderate computer geek, so I knew how to cover my tracks by not saving pics and just viewing them in my web browser. I would empty every cache and delete every cookie. I would even hold off on jerkin' off until I could print off the porn I had found and could excuse myself to the restroom, porn in pocket. I would even flush the picture afterwards, just to be extra super sure.

Well, this went on without a hitch for four years. I was a master... I was untouchable. Until that day... I was about 17 and it was a typical day after school. I arrived at my home, with not a parent in sight. Lucky me! I quickly began a casual porn search. My parents arrived home mere minutes after my search had began. No matter, no trouser tent yet. They went upstairs to get the laundry, and I continued my search carefully, my ears waiting for the sound of steps on the stairs.

A minute or so passed, and I heard the telltale sound of my Dad on the stairs. I quickly closed the browser window. I even had a "dummy" browser window behind that with some innocent content. No comment made, I thought I was in the clear...

About an hour later, my Dad and I had to run to the hardware store. Alas, when we were in the car he admitted that he saw what lewd material I was browsing. He gave me a stern talking to.

And it just HAD to be a page full of naughty anime schoolgirls, didn't it?
(Bobstaff, Sat 11 Feb 2006, 8:39, Reply)

Never let anyone use your computer..
Being the techie guy that I am, I have a PC and a laptop running in my little room in my halls.
It's rather handy, when friends come over I can quite happily sit at my big, beefy PC while they can use the lappy for their own internet pleasures.
Or so you'd think.
The problem is, all sorts of people use my laptop and not one of them ever botheres clearing the cache.

It never occured to me that this might be a problem until one group of friends found out that they could see the laptops entire search history.

Items such as "how to female ejaculate" and "hard core gay porn" were there, of course, but the most interesting one which I cannot explain is "Hello Kitty porn". I don't even think I want to know.....
(Kushan just wants to fit in..to your mum, Sat 11 Feb 2006, 7:59, Reply)