suicide
I'm not sure if this counts - my parents are generally guilt-trip free and get angry if I even humourously refer to myself as a "shotgunner" (for fuck's sake, mum was six months pregnant with me when they married!). But I got this doozy recently...

I bought a book of medical stories from the op-shop for a friend of mum who's a nurse, and since it's her friend I left it at mum's place. Later mum asked me "Did you read that story by the lady who was making it impossible to gas yourself in cars?"

Er... no, I missed that one. What was that about then?

"Well, she developed a kind of petrol that won't let you gas yourself if you try to put a hose over the exhaust. I was most disappointed, that was the way I planned to commit suicide."

!!!!!!!!

Both of my parents are admirers of folk like Philip Nitschke and last time I was at home, were asking if I'd seen a recent documentary about a lady who wanted to kill herself, not for any particular reason, just because old age sucks dick and she wants her hand on the rudder when it's time to go.

I'm not sure whether to worry or start planning my investment portfolio.
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Mon 17 Oct 2005, 13:16, Reply)

I did this to my ex
The night before she flew to live in Mexico we went out with some of her friends. We'd already had a "goodbye" night, and it had gone really well, unfortunately on this night I drank far too much with her mates, talking shit. It got to the end of the night and she made some comment about the batchelors she'd leave behind in London, at which point I got to my feet and said: "What about those whose hearts you broke?" Then downed an entire pint of very strong Pilsner in less than 10 seconds, turned on my heel and stormed out. Never saw her again.

...

She called me later that night, after I had fallen down the stairs and passed out. I don't know what she said because I was three sheets, but I know I started crying and telling her I loved her. What a fuckin guilt trip to lay on somebody.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 17 Oct 2005, 13:05, Reply)

Be nice !
A friend of mine who has been struggling with cancer over the past couple of years , ie ever time they tell him they think they have got it all , a couple of weeks later they find more.

One evening his Mrs was popping out to the shops and asked him if he wanted anything picking up . He just turned to her and said in the most winny pathetic voice he could muster " Get me something nice ... I've got cancer " .... pure class

sorry about size its malignant
(phildperv, Mon 17 Oct 2005, 13:04, Reply)

teachers
Imagine, 6th Form geography field trip in wales, all getting drunk in dorm when teachers comes in, I say something I can't remember anymore but long story short she runs off crying. Queue me ruining the party and everyone giving me the evils. So I go after her to apologise, which I do, to be told
"Don't worry about it, I'm just a bit fragile as its my time of the month"
Theres just no comeback to that.
(siege bison, Mon 17 Oct 2005, 12:35, Reply)

Evil response to Homeless
I used to work with a lad called Steve who was pretty quick with the repartee (and more than a wee bit cruel).

One day while climbing the stairs to Harrow on the Hill station, we were passing one of the local rough sleepers. The guy always sat on the steps with a pitiful expression, saying "omeless!" in as plaintive a way as he could, with hand outstretched with the obligatory McDonalds cup for offerings.

Steve stopped, gave the guy a confused look and said "Homeless? Nah mate, I've got a three bedroom house in Ruislip, what are you talking about?"
(Wascally Weasel now with 100% fewer jokes., Mon 17 Oct 2005, 11:45, Reply)

The homeless again!
Oxford is full of them, one tramp in particular likes to make the following comment after you refuse to give him any change.

"God Bless You"


Dirty Motherfucker!!!
(Minty Hit, Mon 17 Oct 2005, 10:56, Reply)

my mum
told me that she'd wanted to abort me, but they were illegal and very dangerous at the time. This helped my self worth develop healthily. I even felt guilty for existing.

She told me when I was 10 - nice.
(teasus likes tea, Mon 17 Oct 2005, 8:50, Reply)

I have moved away from the UK
and in all honesty it is one of the brighter things I have done.

my dear old parents don't see it that way, they feel I am too young and all I am doing is making the biggest mistake of my life.

and so once a week at work, I get a phone call from my dad saying my mum is worried sick and why don't I phone more often. despite the fact I don't have a phone that makes international call, and maybe I should change jobs to get one.....

(phallic size joke)
( Neon Blue Ah ha ha haa! I feel positively capital!, Mon 17 Oct 2005, 7:58, Reply)

Mum's not an expert on guilt trips...
But she always manages to make me feel three inches tall whenever she visits or whenever I see her. She used to do everything for me when I was a little kid of only three years, and I mean EVERYTHING short of wiping my arse.

This of course seems to have stunted me as far as developing an ability to take care of myself - the apartment my girlfriend and I are currently sitting in is quite as messy as my bedroom back at home used to be, as Good Old Mum never trusted me to clean my room properly... And now, every time she comes over, she finds EVERY single thing I haven't picked up or cleaned, and cleans it herself - all the while ranting and raving about how I still haven't learned to take care of myself. Well, you never TAUGHT me how to take care of myself, woman! Who the hell ELSE am I going to learn it from if my parents don't teach it?

Last time she was over at our place she had to search for something to bitch about - and of course she found it, as we had forgotten to empty the cat's litter. She spent the next two hours mentioning to us, at regular intervals, that she could still smell the cat poo - although she'd been over for thirty minutes before she even FOUND it and hadn't said a damn word. I think she just got on our arses about it because she hates cats - and to be honest with you, I'm not entirely certain how she feels about me.
(Dr.Whogivesaratsarse, Mon 17 Oct 2005, 7:47, Reply)

After witnessing...
and laughing at a rather rogue schoolboy letting down a teacher's tyres I got an earful from the Headmaster about how it was said teachers last day and he didn't need this.

I "should have stopped him", he said! The fact he'd have to foot-pump his tyres up would also make him late for his charity golf tournament he was in at 4pm. If I could go back in time, I'd have changed nothing.
( mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Mon 17 Oct 2005, 3:18, Reply)

:'(
When i was younger, around 5 years old, on xmas eve my mum used to tell me if i didnt manage to get to sleep before father christmas had done his rounds then there would be no presents for me or my brother and sisters. thing is, i am an insomniac, this coupled with the fact that it is christmas eve, no way in hell will i be asleep any time soon. come 2am and i am near suffocating crying into my pillow, cause santa wont have brought my family pressies.

Scarred for life
(Jimmai, Sun 16 Oct 2005, 22:04, Reply)

I'm afraid I'm usually the one handing out guilt trips...
I have a brain disorder called Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension [IIH]. Basically it means that there's too much fluid in my skull and it's slowly squishing my brain and optic nerve [yes, it does hurt. all the time] I've had it since i was about 9 or 10 and, though there are treatments to help, it's incurable.

This makes the best guilt-trip material ever.

Evil Lecturer: "Where's your assigmnent?"
Me: "I'm so sorry, i've just gotten so confused and behind recently, y'see I was in hospital the other day having a seven inch needle pushed between my vertebrae in order to drain my brain fluid and they hit the spinal cord by mistake and i've been having trouble sitting upright for very long because of the nerve-twinges, i'm sure that if i work all night i could get it in for tomorrow though..."
Evil Lecturer: "No, it's okay, you just hand it in when you get it done"


Mum: "Why haven't you done any housework"
Me: "I'm sorry, I tried to do it but i kept having grey-outs [when your sight fades out and you're blind for about 30 seconds before it fades back in again, common symptom of IIH] and i fell over the hoover. I'll do it now-"
Mum: "No, no, you look after yourself, your dad'll do the housework today"

total prick of a man on my course: "You must be nice to me because i have dyslexia and dyspraxia" [he did actually, honestly say this]
me: "ok, but you have to be nice to me beacuse i've had a headache 24 hours a day, every day for about 10 years; every now and then i have seizures and i'm slowly going blind. The drugs I'm on to help it are making me lose my memory and make me shake, so i'm on beta-blockers which make me depressed, so i'm on anti-depressants which give me a headache. I have to have lumbar punctures every 6 weeks and I've just had neurosurgery. *bright smile*"

etc. etc. etc.

it's also got me a free computer with all the trimmings and disabled parking. though, to be honest, i'd rather not have had a headache for 10 years solid.
( Seventh is somewhat subdued, Sun 16 Oct 2005, 20:54, Reply)

mine probably isnt considered a guilt trip....
...but maybe it is. this is the usual conversation between me and my mom. it drives her insane, especially since i do this kind of alot.
m-cody, you're getting a haircut
c-but i like my hair this length
m-your hair's bigger than your head!
c-exactly! this is how i like it!
m-it looks like a jew-fro!(we're not jewish, and i made that up)
c-i'm not getting a haircut, mom!
m-.....fine, you don't need a haircut today
c-okay, ill get a haircut.

drives her nuts. kind of makes me fell a little sad that she said it was okay not to, that is the whole guilt trip to me. whatever.
(i dont know, Sun 16 Oct 2005, 20:45, Reply)

I love...
pulling off passive-aggressive guilt trips on teachers. Whenever I get on the verge of a bollockin' from a teacher, I sprout a load of self-loathing bull and normally get away with it pretty easily. Take last week...

I stand in line for my form class (We're not trusted enough to go to the class by ourselves =P), I talk to my mate Otis, who pops out one (of the many) ways to wind me up to high heaven...

"Are you doing Baskeball today?"

I absolutly bloody hate the thing, I just play footie with the basketball and swear alot like usual, so I reply with the witty "Get forked, fork face!" in my geordie-ish twang, but alas, Assistant HeadTeacher Mrs. Evilcow catches me at my little outburst moment.

Me-M
Otis-O
As.Head-A

A- Why are you using language like that?
M- Sorry miss, I just lost it.
(O- Phimselflaughing)
A- Have you been winding him up?
O- Eh? No?
M- He hasn't miss, I've just been stressed out with all the homework I've been getting and I've been having a hard time of it lately.
A(Decides to ignore what I just said) Dont wind him up, Go to form.(Turns to me) Have you been having Family troubles?
M, pretty freaked out- N...o?
A- Ok, Well just go to form.

Havn't been in trouble since, so it isn't that bad =D

Don't complain about length, it's not my fault I have family problems!!!
(Praying Mantis, Sun 16 Oct 2005, 20:25, Reply)

share the pain, share the pain...
My parents are both the elite masters of the Guilt Trip. We were at a resteraunt, and during breakfast, I wanted to order a meal that cost ONE DOLLAR less than my mother's, which was 6. I wasn't sure if I should get it, in case it was too expensive due to my mom's cheapskatery, and the dialog went thisaway-
Mom: Oh, it's fine, you can get it... *sigh*
Me: No, it's no problem, I can get something else if you want...
Mom: It's okay, you can get it... *mutters* if you want to spend your entire college fund.
Me: Come on, it's FINE! I can just get- the fried egg!
Mom: BUY IT AND GET IT OVER WITH!
She then starts crying.

I ate my strawberry pancakes in a fine sauce of guilt.
(ZooLurker is an angry chick with a mullet!, Sun 16 Oct 2005, 14:49, Reply)

She recently completed her second course of bereavement counselling
makes her even more of an expert at head-fucking than Ron Jeremy.

In recent weeks I've been having less contact with her in order to cut the apron strings and moving all official documents to my address. For a control freak this does not go down too well with her.

This was a conversation we had yesterday:

M = me
H = her

H (with whiny voice and hurt-little-girl face): Why do you want to spend less time with me?

M: In order to cut the apron strings.

H: We're not dead yet.

An example of world-class head-fuckery, Jewish mothers take note.

Christmas is going to be fun...
(Chuckman, Sun 16 Oct 2005, 12:38, Reply)

Major Morgan
When I was about 5 I had a toy called Major Morgan. It was a little plastic man that said different phrases and made different sounds.
We were all in the back yard on a sunny day and my Mum had her feet in a bowl of water. (typical council estate therapy). I threatened to give Major Morgan diving lessons if I couldn't have an ice cream. The ice cream never materialised so I proceeded to test the bouyancy of MM. When I pulled the wet toy from the bowl it started making creepy dying sounds like Steven Hawking on diazepam.
Me Mum said "aww, Daniel. You have killed him! You murdered Major Morgan"

cue tears- early bed.
I was so guilt ridden for weeks after, when we sung all things bright and beutiful in primary school, I'd cry for the Major.
(xwoody01, Sun 16 Oct 2005, 12:07, Reply)

My cat is staring at me intensely
while I'm eating an ice cream cone. He wants to lick a bowl.
(ghettobooty, Sun 16 Oct 2005, 0:52, Reply)

A weak-minded person's guilt trip
This could be a guilt trip, but I'm too strong to give in:

Tramps sat by cash machines!

"Spare any change love?"
"Sure, I'll just give you my last £20 so you can squander it on drugs, alcohol and cigarettes!"
( Trijian, Sat 15 Oct 2005, 21:49, Reply)

Indecisiveness
Trying to persuade a girl-friend to come stay over with me on Friday night.

Monday: Yes, would love to.
Tuesday: Umm... maybe it's not a good idea.
Wednesday: Sure. Looking forward to it.
Thursday: I can't really.

So make arrangements with other mates.

Friday: "I'm really annoyed with you. You know I wanted to come down. Can't you cancel your other mates? What if I offer you sex?".
(minky_monkey, Sat 15 Oct 2005, 17:08, Reply)

How To Turn Your Child into a Self-Loathing Alcoholic in Three Easy Steps - A Guide for Parents
My Mother in Law seems to be absolutely convinced her daughter will become an alcoholic, so much so, in fact, that she seems hell-bent on making it happen. So the other night I sent her this handy guide based on her recent behaviour. Yes, we were pretty pissed...

Step 1:
Berate your progeny severely whenever they enjoy a few glasses of wine over a friendly game of school-night Scrabble, keep this up whenever you observe any sign that alcohol has been involved in any kind of enjoyment. Remember, you must keep up the pressure that they _will_ become an alcohlolic if any kind of fun is alcohol related, _especially_ if it involves sex.


Step 2:
Apply emotional pressure. Yes, that's right, do everything in your power to make them feel _guilty_ about enjoying themselves, cry if necessary. Guilt is your best friend, not only will it twist them into associating alcohol with guilt, but with a bit of luck, it might twist them into associating _any_ kind of pleasure with guilt. This is especially important if you want to prevent your son/daughter enjoying any kind of sexual activity.


Step 3:
This is the real clincher. Once you have attained the 'power of guilt' by carefully following steps one and two, start a competition with your son/daughter as to who can abstain from alcohol and/or pleasurable activity* the longest. During this period, be unobtainably pious in everything you do - Remember, you do not drink, you do not enjoy loud music, you do not have fun, and you _especially_ do not enjoy sex. If the emotional pressure has been applied correctly in step two, this will ensure that when they do lapse (and they will - well, we're all human, aren't we?), the guilt will be so unbearably great that they will feel like a complete and utter failure.


If you have follwed these steps carefully, you will have sucessfully turned your son/daughter into a mass of guilt-ridden self-loathing, and once this emotional bonfire is fuelled by alcohol, it will ensure that they will never again know the true pleasure of pure, uninhibited fun.


* No, that doesn't include gardening or DIY.

Fortunately, she took it well, so I'm still in posession of my dangly bits...

first post, woohoo!
(I ate the pies, Sat 15 Oct 2005, 15:31, Reply)

There's something about
my uncle. When put in a position where he thinks he can make some money he will always have a go. But when pressed about it, will say stuff about the new baby etc etc....but then buy new 4x4s etc.

Hmmm
(Oops....did I say that out loud cos I really bloody want to., Sat 15 Oct 2005, 15:31, Reply)