maybe ill get caught, and maybe ill like THAT
wanking at work, sometimes 2 or 3 times in one day. (i only managed 3 times the once mindye)

pissing in the sink when i am brushing my teeth, in fact, i generally piss in the sink, as opposed to the toilet. personally i think it is enviromentally sound, saves water. yeahlow. if the bog is being used, then i usually piss in a cup, bowl, pot or basin and pour it down the sink. no big deal.

the song 'bring me edelwiess', i knocked a few out to that back in the day and if i could find a high enough res copy now, i would again.

getting high on pills and dancing about like a fucking loon, busting all the right moves and generating some lady excitement, then peek over as the girl in question desperately tries to get my attention, then walking off without so much as a 'hello'

putting my finger up my wifes arse when she is asleep, or my cock, if i can.

2 packets of noodles and 4 buttered toasts, at about 2am when im munchied.

picking my nose and eating them, natures antibiotics dont ye know. or spitting them on the wall at work. not in my own home of course. there is currently a blackened collage of them on the toilet wall.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 20:20, 1 reply)

So many pleasures so little time.
I'm pleased to say that very little I do is actively aggravating to others- except perhaps a curious trait with hire cars. If you've taken delivery of your hire car, turned on the stereo and been deafened by the worst radio station the area can supply, I probably had it before you. Before I park up for the last time, irrespective of the country I am in I will scan the available stations and choose the worst before giving it the full Spinal Tap and swiftly power it down.

To the unfortunate who next had the Merc C-Class with DAB, I tuned to gaydar and gave the beans, I'm sorry- ish.

Next to that an addiction to the works of Sheriff John Bunnell and Airwolf is neither here nor there really.
(Leonard Hatred briefly did some work on, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 20:17, 1 reply)

No Guilt
Farting in the dogs face.

That is all.
(PassTheKhat, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 20:15, 1 reply)

My invisible tourists
Sometimes, when I'm walking somewhere on my own, I like to imagine that I have someone from the 16th century with me. I like to tell them all about the wonderful technology of the 21st century. He gets remarkably disappointed when he discovers that British colonialism ended years ago, and that Oladele who drives the bus is a full citizen working for an honest wage, not a slave.

When I have a cold sore, I fantasise about using my housemate's toothbrush. I have never actually done this, as I'm not entirely sure which one's hers. I don't like her.
( Queen of Cheesecake, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 20:13, 3 replies)

havnt posted in a while but....
carefully grooming toenails to perfection, then eating/chewing them.

to be honest more enjoyment comes from slotting them inbetween my two front
teeth.

some of my friends recoil at the thought of this, but to be honest the toe nails are no dirtier than fingernails when you think about it...
(lazy_alias, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 20:11, 2 replies)

Bachelor Party
Fuck Forrest Gump, this is the best thing Tom Hanks has ever done.

It features some great gags, wonderful one-liners and a woman having sex with a donkey.

What more do you want?

"Which one of you guys ordered an asshole from room service?"
( Joe Scaramanga with a G-double-O-D vibration, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 19:55, 2 replies)

Girly guilty pleasures
- Moulin Rouge
- Girls Aloud
- Steps (Yes, that's right - defunct, cheesy, dancy STEPS!!!)
- Disney movies (particularly Alladin and The Lion King)

Wouldn't be so bad, but I'm a man rapidly approaching 30!

Oh yeah, and I've had an absolute blast with Mrs Mawoo planning our wedding for the past year. The highlights? Pretending to be her gay best mate so the ladies in the wedding dress shop would let me go in and coo over her trying on dresses, and going and trying on wedding suits with my best man - I got to be the center of attention and everyone made a fuss over me. It was great!

PS - And yes, I do actually cry every time when Nicole Kidman dies.
(Benjimawoo, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 19:39, 3 replies)

Mastermind.
I love quizzes.

Mastermind, Fifteen-to-One, University Challenge, etc, etc... I can't get enough of them. My innate ability to remember the most random trivia and facts means that I do pretty well at them, and if I wasn't such a bottler, I'd have applied to take part in one. It's often said by my friends that I'd be one of those few winners on Who Wants To Be A Millionnaire.

You know that person who stands by the quiz machine and helps out random strangers having a crack at getting their beer money out of it - that was me. I'd actually HELP OTHER PEOPLE WIN MONEY.

Anyway shouldn't be a surprise that my love of quizzes extended to those of the pub variety - a love that has made me a few quid and earned me a fair few beers in my time, and notably my friends have been all too enthusiastic when I suggest going to the pub to take on the local trivia talents.

When I was studying for my PGCE in Manchester, me and my flatmates were full-time patrons of our local, The Rampant Lion. When I heard they ran a pub quiz on a Tuesday, I couldn't help myself. I was in the zone, and cemented my reputation as Sheffield's answer to 'That Taxi Driver Fella off Mastermind'.

We started to win every week. It was getting daft. We were starting to get suggestions from the management that we should 'piss off, you're losing our custom for us'. But, we carried on undeterred.

It was around the 3rd win on the trot that we started to have a bit of a rivalry with some nurses from the Infirmary. Every week, we'd come first, and every week, they'd come second (Nurses? Coming? Does this count as innuendo?).

Anyway, this rivarly kept on for a few weeks more - until one week, the nurses brought a friend. A lovely, blonde, nubile friend.

As the quiz started I couldn't help but notice that she kept looking at me. At first I thought it was just co-incidental, but when I asked my flatmate to confirm the situation it seemed I was right. Now, as you are all aware by now my social skills with the ladies are somewhat lacking, but even I could see that continual eye contact was a 'sign'.

This continued for the duration of the quiz. As it happened, for the first week in aaages - our team was in a tie break, with the nurses.

The tie break was 'How many bones are there in an adult human body?'. I know the answer now, but I was adamant it was 205 at the time. It was somewhat fortunate for the nurses, and they quickly said '206'.

They were right. Bastard.

Anyway, we were noble in defeat and applauded our conquerors with due respect. In return the ladies supplied us with a few of their won drinks and festivities proceeded.

And then, I managed to catch the eye of the newbie nurse, and summoned up my courage to capitalise on the earlier chemistry and talk to her.

Me: "So, well done, first time lucky eh?"
Her: "Yeah, sorry, I'm the girls secret weapon!"
Me: "No worries (confidence building) - so, how about you and me get a drink then?"
Her: "Ah, yeah, erm... well, I think I might have given you the wrong impression..."
Me: "Eh?"
Her: "The eye contact, I knew that'd give you the wrong idea - see, the girls asked me along because I can lipread, I train deaf people to do it..."

Oh yes. The lovely nubile nurse continually catching my eye wasn't, as I thought, giving me the come on, but instead reading my lips to get the answers for her mates.

Now, I know I'm good - but THAT good? Even so, I had the last laugh.

I woke up with her in her dorm room the next morning.

As Nick Berry once said - 'Every loser wins'.

Length? Like Andrex - Soft, strong and long.
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 19:39, 2 replies)

I watch Jeremy Kyle
.
Any time I'm alone in the house - not often, granted - I surf the channels for good ol' Jezza.

You just can't beat the feeling of superiority gained from that kind of trash TV. However crap my life has been at times, it's never been as bad as those poor losers. Barely a complete set of teeth between them, at a loss for words 'cos they're not allowed to swear, keenly awaiting the results of the DNA test/Lie Detector. Sometimes both....

The whole time I'm watching, I feel just a wee bit ashamed.... but I keep watching anyway.
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Thu 13 Mar 2008, 19:29, 5 replies)

Just a few of the better ones
I love cwtches, maybe more than I love sex.
Sitting down in the shower and singing myself into a soapy melancholia.
Putting on random accents in the middle of taking someone's order at work to confuse them (works more often than you'd think).
Kinder Eggs; I collect the toys, and get REALLY excited when I get one I've never got before.
Cigarettes (the guilt comes in because I promised my sister that I'd given up, but instead I haven't).
Reading texts from Dodge, then going back to sleep and answering them later (not pleasurable, but I do feel guilty).
Watching people play WOW.
Buying bridal magazines to look at the pictures of pretty dresses.
Loose Women (the TV show, not random harlots)
Bourbon.
Tripping chavs up who have music coming out of their mobiles on the bus, and feeling genuinely elated if they actually fall over (it's only happened twice, and they weren't injured, innit my homie, safe blood etc etc)
Doodling my signature with celebrities' surnames to see what it would look like if we got married... and yes, Dodger, I have done it with yours so don't feel left out! :)

And sex. I'm Catholic (ish) so any kind of pleasure is usually mixed with guilt...


That'll do.
(Ryfelwr can't stop here... this is bat country, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 19:01, 2 replies)

Pooflake trumped me with the Prisoner Cell Block H one
Cheesy Moments (the rubbish snack)
The pisspoor film 'Stealth'
Dragonball Z (and Samurai Jack)
Liking Jeremy Clarkson
Overtaking every Prius I see on the road as loudly and petrol-y as I can (this may be connected with the above)
Prog Rock
Rose Cava (bit of a Barbie drink really)

but I won't put fwapping at (non-fetish 18 to 'mature' year old females) pron because , despite being brought up a catholic, I don't feel remotely guilty about it :-)
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 13 Mar 2008, 18:50, 1 reply)

Eye see you...
My guilty pleasure would have to be looking at eyes. Not looking (into) eyes, but at them, I buy note books and mags and then I cut every eye I see out and paste them it the notebooks. I have about 5 notebooks full of nothing but eyes.

It'll probably scare the shit out of someone if I leave them somewhere.

Hehe and sticking white feathers in my dogs fur.
(Leoninus "Never lick a fresh turd on a hot day.", Thu 13 Mar 2008, 18:49, 2 replies)

Like Osok, I quite enjoy ironing
Not a particularly blokey pursuit I'll grant you, but I got a lot of practice in when I was married and doing most of the household chores while my ex studied hard to become an accountant. While she was upstairs, I would relish the prospect of getting the board out, sticking a video on (yes, this was pre-DVD days) and spending a couple of hours flattening clothing.

This continued into my enforced bachelor days, only I graduated to doing it on a Saturday afternoon sometimes, when there was a match on the radio. I refuse point blank to get Sky - there's enough shit on anyway without having to pay extra for the privilege of more.

So there I'd be, usually aided by a couple of cans, merrily flattening clothes whilst listening to a couple of commentators talk me through the events unfolding on the pitch. Occasionally, the tension would get too much and I'd have to stop and shout at the radio, "Oi! Ref! Are you deaf??? That was audibly a penalty you cunt"!
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 13 Mar 2008, 18:48, 1 reply)

Once more with feeling .......
Buffy the Vampire Slayer - the musical episode.

I know every damn word and LOVE it to bits.

'nuff said !
(Nyanko I reject your reality and substitute my own., Thu 13 Mar 2008, 18:45, 6 replies)

Not me.
My boyfriend smells things when he thinks people aren´t looking.

Books.Clothes.Knives.Remote controls.Seatbelts.Cans of food.
You name it,he´ll sniff it.


I once caught him sniffing the hoover before he used it - his excuse?


To see if the bag was full.


He´s a bit odd,but shags like a banshee,so it´s not all bad.
(shirleytemplesarse, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 18:44, 3 replies)

put on my Guns 'n' wankers album on repeat very loud
and sing along to all the words that i've memorised.

best to do when my mates are in the house to annoy them for vast amounts of time
( vigilante_18 WHO SENT ALL THESE BABIES TO FIGHT?!?!, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 18:41, 2 replies)

I wee in the shower.............










at the gym
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Thu 13 Mar 2008, 18:32, Reply)

Phone Sex
One of my favourite things in the world is going to the filthy newsagents near my flat and searching through all the porn mags... Not for the obvious, oh no no no...

You know on various pages throughout you have the little ads that have three things;

-A saucy picture
-A hilarious quote or question
-A telephone number for someone to fulfill hilarious quote

Well, I am on the eternal quest to find the best/sickest one ever...

Here is the current #1

"Ram me so hard up the arse my shit turns soupy"

I should really know better than this being a girl but my goodness how I giggled for days on end after seeing that one...
(Arthur is really a girl, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 18:25, 2 replies)

Ooooh pretty obvious one this...
After being intimate with a ladyfriend, of not washing your hands and spending the next few hours (or back in my unwashed teens, days) sniffing said fanny batter...

...or worse, depending on where my finger has been.

Ahem.
(elfinpunk Touching Cloth Since, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 18:20, 1 reply)

Barry Scott
Whenever I see the CILIT BANG! advert I go all shouty and high fivey for at least ten minutes after.

Im not sure why though - has anyone discovered why some twunt screaming "IM BARRY SCOTT" makes you so happy or is it just advertising magic?
( KISS.ME.WHERE.I.POO Signed the sex offenders register on, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 18:14, 1 reply)

stiff shirt collars
Ever since my blankie was traumatically taken from me 29 years ago I have continually played with the sharp ends of things - specifically shirt collars.

Every shirt I have ever owned has been worn out collar first. I love the little plastic inserts they use to add stiffness. I sometimes turn the whole collar pointy bit insidewards to that it digs into my neck.

I would estimate I have played with my shirt collars for 5-6 hours a day for 29 years without fail.

Shirts with soft collars sadden me and I avoid them at all cost. I have to compensate by folding the fabric of my shirt in to a sort of sharp cone and play with that, digging the pointy bit in to various parts of my hands.

I have met precisely one person with exactly the same habit. If anyone can name the actual condition we share, I will setup a club/organisation so that us like minded folks can maybe meet up.

This is not a sex thing in the slightest btw.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 18:11, 2 replies)

Measuring as many of my male friends' chests as possible
And telling them their theoretical bra size.
(mmmm curry doesn't really understand this sig lark, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 18:11, 2 replies)

One for others to try!
A Mrs Beeton Fried Eggy Bread Cheese Sandwich.

Recipe below:

8 thin slices of bread, crusts removed
butter
175g Cheshire or Cheddar cheese, sliced
3 beaten eggs
oil for shallow frying.

4 Slices of bread laid down, spread with butter then cover with cheese, leaving a border round the edge. Put another buttered slice of bread over the top of each slice, press round the edges.

Soak the sandwiches in the eggs for 10 minutes each side.

Heat the oil, fry in a pan.

mmmmm

I also add whipped cream to maryland cookies.

I also butter ginger nut biscuits.

Er... yeah.
(mmmm curry doesn't really understand this sig lark, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 18:08, 6 replies)

i drive
my girlfriend mad with requests to scratch my back - in that nice way, just running nails around all over. I'm definitely a reincarnated cat.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 18:06, 5 replies)

I haven't admitted this before...
There was a band in the 60s called Spanky and The Gang, very similar to The Mamas and the Papas. (I'm at work so I can't find a relevant video.) Their front person was Elaine "Spanky" McFarlane, a rather large woman with an even larger voice. They did a song called "Sunday Will Never Be The Same" that was one of their big hits.

I can sing on key with her, note for note. No, her voice isn't deep, nor is mine high pitched- I simply can hit a falsetto that's dead on.

Sometimes if I'm driving alone I'll sing it, loudly. And no, no matter who asks, I will not demonstrate this in front of anyone.

(I also sing along with PJ Harvey, but exactly one octave below her. Our vocal ranges are identical- I strain on the same notes she does, and can belt out the same ones she does, only an octave lower. It's rather scary, actually.)
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 13 Mar 2008, 18:05, Reply)

oh well might as well admit it.
Sir William of Idolshire. Or should I ever allow you to, then you may call him, "Billy Idol".

Every song he ever did I love. God he's fantastic. I think he's probably my favourite human, and thats including my mum and probably me.

If it was wanking or Billy I'd take my time in the decision. Musical bliss.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 18:05, 1 reply)

Sneaking to the fridge
and sticking my finger into a just setting jelly.
(turtles head is touching cloth poked a dwarf on the forehead at, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 18:03, Reply)

Hammond organ music.
I guess that makes me fit in with last week's QOTW too.

Though I guess a lot of nerd's pleasures may be of the guilty variety!

Length? About 1m and a bit.
(Dr_Faustus filius of a femina canis, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 18:00, Reply)

Attempting to nestle my face in my own cleavage
And then wondering why my neck hurts an hour later.
(mmmm curry doesn't really understand this sig lark, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 17:56, 1 reply)

Innocent until they tell everyone
I just LOVE singing "Wuthering Heights" by Kate Bush in the shower, full on falsetto, wrong words, the lot.

Slightly more disturbingly, we have a bidet in our houseshare, and after a poo I like to let the warm water penetrate me and fill me, then I puke it back out of my arse into the toilet. Once it went down my leg. I then had a shower.

I also like to pull the head off it in the shower. It feels liberating to spoff all over the shampoo, specially if it's not yours.

mmm... what else? Drawing crap yiff on people's graffiti wall on facebook, farting and blaming it on someone else, belming behind group photographs of people you don't know

But the best, most wickedly delightful, beautiful, exquisite sin of all?! Is as follows:
Dunking my biscuit in another's drink.

especially if I have a drink of my own and they made it and they're their biscuits.

My housemate likes dunking buttered toast in her tea but she's just weird
(Snake (on a) Crane FKA thwack, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 17:55, Reply)