from the Onion
Oh, come on. All the times you've watched Star Wars movies, it's never crossed your mind even once? You're just going to play dumb and say, "Oh, gee, no, that never occurred to me"? Give me a break. Don't even try to tell me you've never wondered what Yoda's penis looks like.

You don't have to be embarrassed about it. Being curious about Yoda's penis doesn't mean you're gay or anything. And I'm certainly not saying that you should be obsessed with it. But how could anybody claim they haven't pondered that penis even for a single second in their entire life?

It's only natural to be a little curious about Yoda's penis. I've certainly asked myself all the usual questions: How long is it when flaccid? How long erect? Is it circumcised? Is it shaped like a human penis? Is it the same shade of green as the rest of him? Is it wrinkled? Veiny? Freckled? How much pubic hair does Yoda have? Is the hair curly or wispy? Is there enough hair to hide the testicles? And how large are the testicles? And how pendulous?

But noooo. You've never, ever had such thoughts. That's simply not the way your oh-so-pure mind operates.

So I guess I'm expected to believe that, while watching The Empire Strikes Back, the second act of which is practically all Yoda, not once did you wonder what he looked like naked. And when he died in Return Of The Jedi, his robe remaining on his bed as his body disappeared, you never imagined that robe disappearing with Yoda still lying there on his back, his nude form exposed for all the world to see. Yeah, I am so sure.

The day Episode II opened, you were, no doubt, one of the millions of Americans giddy with anticipation. If you're anything like me, you were most excited for the space battles, the plot revelations regarding the Clone Wars, and other matters unrelated to Yoda's penis. But why don't you just admit it: A tiny little part of your excitement stemmed from the thought that maybe, just maybe, Jedi Master Yoda's clothes would come off. It's okay—I promise I wouldn't think any less of you. We all have these kinds of taboo thoughts from time to time. It's only natural.

And are you actually claiming that back in 1999, you sat through all of Phantom Menace, not once wishing that the gusty winds of Coruscant would give Yoda a little skirt-blow? You're telling me that when we first saw fellow Jedi Council member Yaddle, you just saw a female member of Yoda's species and not the beginning of a new story arc that could potentially provide a perfect opportunity to show Yoda naked? Man, you're even more repressed than I thought.

I suppose that when the Episode II DVD is released, you'll be in line at midnight to buy your copy, but not so you can go through the fight scene frame-by-frame, "just in case." No, a wholesome guy like you is above such perverse thoughts.

And, of course, you're also excited for Episode III, but not because it's the last movie in the Saga and, therefore, must be the one where Yoda's penis and all its secrets are finally revealed. Do me a favor? Drop the prude act.

This is insane. You don't fool me for a moment. Even now, just looking at you, I can tell your very being trembles with curiosity about Yoda's penis.

Own up, you big baby.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 8:44, 3 replies)

I enjoy waiting for lorries or buses to drive past me whilst I'm
walking on the pavement, and then liberally spin around, arms flailing like a windmill, as if caught up in the turbulence behind them.
( LemonEntryMyDearWatson This time, Moriarty, the hand is on the other foot, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 8:42, 1 reply)

Plunging the depths of sexual depravity
I have to confess to being something of a sex addict. It didnt start well, I was masturbating 12-14 times a day by the time I was 6 so my teenage years were a whirl of massive binges of onanism punctuated by occasional forays into sexual congress with a variety of swamp donkeys.

But my guilty pleasure now are transexual orgies.

Dear readers, there's nothing quite like being smeared all over in oil and KY whilst a ladyman with an engorged organ (and make up that looks like he/she put it on with a shotgun) slowly but firmly pierces your puckered sphincter and rides you to an earth shattering and very sweaty climax.

I also enjoy watching a willing female participant being 'serviced' by 2 or more of these creatures. The juxtaposition of soft female form around a couple of neither-here-nor-theres with their stark lines of interpreted femininity bearing spam javelins is quite erotic I can tell you.
(Vic Flange, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 8:42, 3 replies)

the ugliest shoes in the world
They're plastic, they're hideous, they're worn by twats. I know this, yet I like nothing better than padding around the walk-in freezer that I call home while wearing my extremely comfortable pair of crocs.

My ex informs me they are the footwear equivalent of bromide and that I'd get laid more if I didn't wear them. In my defence, I've never actually worn them during sex. There are some fetishes even I won't try.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 8:40, 3 replies)

Food
Food used to be my greatest and guiltiest pleasure, but one of the side effects of overindulgence is the result that I now weigh about as much as any 3 b3tans combined, which isn't ideal.

I'm on a new diet now, where I can have whatever I want as long as there isn't any flour/sugar/rice/potatoes/fried things.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sugar_addiction
www.americanheart.org/presenter.jhtml?identifier=4467

I'd heard that sugar and carbs were addictive, but I didn't realize just how addictive until I got rid of them. After a few days of twitching like I had the DTs (seriously), my system's readjusted.

Now the concept of lunch, formerly a near-orgasmic daily delight, offers excitement on a par with shaving, which is to say none.

Hopefully this will remain the case. I'll report back once I'm down to weighing 1.5-2 of the average b3tan.
(not here, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 7:57, 1 reply)

quite tame compared to some of the others....
ok here's my list:

getting to work 30 mins before anyone else, just so I can trawl through the latest additions to icanhascheezburger, I just love those funny kittehs, theyz make me lolz so hard I dribble

nose picking, the feeling of pulling out a crusty bit of nose gold that has rooted itself deep into my sinus cavity, feeling it pull right from the back, fantastic

a deep proud respect for the BBC, I know its full of shit daytime crap, and I can't stand all that flog-the-crap-in-your-attic for measly cash bollocks, but something about BBC News 24 reeks of class and gets me feeling all patriotic. ITV is just shit in comparison

farting in enclosed areas with other people and getting away with it, usually after dropping a particularly foul one I stare and tut in disgust at any female in the room passing the blame on (the more attractive the female the better)

Grand designs

perving at women on the bus whilst pretending to read my book

curling out a long satisfying steamer on company time

"I'm blue" by Eifell 65, genius.

the pleasue gained from a witty, off-the-cuff legnth joke, such as...errr shit
(Duke Fucknuts ate toast and fanny batter on, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 7:50, 3 replies)

fat cats
I know they're less healthy, but awwwwwwwww...
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 7:31, Reply)

Whale Meat.
I F****n Love the stuff.
Its a bit hard to come by in the Australian outback though - sometimes we have to make do with dolphin fillets.
(Kalgoorlie, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 6:24, 1 reply)

Not Guilty At All
Unsecured wireless networks.

Used to have quite a few in my local area. So one afternoon I changed all the essid names, changed the channels so they didn't interfere with mine and then secured them all.

However I forgot to tell the owners the passwords and I accidently used rude words for the names.

Since then there don't seem to be any unsecured networks, thankfully the owners are being a bit more sensible with their security, although now i've had to change the channel on mine thanks to those dicks at BT leaving those HomeHub things set to channel 1.

Actually, that's not really a guilty pleasure, so i'll go with, I deliberately make rude people wait at least 10 minutes for their cab.

Double that for rude students and I feel no shame at all.
(bluetuba has a special friend in Blue Label Smirnoff, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 6:14, Reply)

I have...
a septum piercing. Google it if you are curious. Somehow, it makes you have fucking massive, well satisfying bogies...my mate has a video of me picking my nose heartily in starbucks. Also, I have flesh tunnels (hehehe) in my ears - the big fucking silly holes, you know, those things (around 10mm if ayone is interested). You get this foul smelling gunky shit made of sweat and skin particles and general mank building up around them which reeks like bollocks if you don't clean them enough. This is awesome to let build up and then scrape off with your fingernails. Double points if you can persuade some uninitiated person to smell the taper/tunnel/plug/whatever dumb thing you keep in your cats bunghole-shaped earlobe.
(Ryuken-Kai, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 3:47, Reply)

Less of a guilty pleasure and more just plain weird...
And is perhaps my only and very indirect claim to fame.

For about six or seven years now I've...*drum roll to build up excitement that will ultimately come to nothing*...chewed material and eaten washing powder!

I've got no idea why I'm compelled do this-perhaps it's a stress/comfort or some kind of vitamin deficiency thing.

Anyway for some reason I confided this to a friend, swearing him to secrecy. I don't know why I felt the urge to share this with anyone-maybe I was drunk, can't remember. I don't know why I'm sharing it online now come to think of it :-S

A few days after my dark confession, I was rudely awoken at some stupid time of the morning (about 11ish) by said friend who was very excited because he had sent an email regarding my embarrassing habit to BBC Radio's "Home Truths" programme and John Peel had read it out at the end of the show!

I still can't work out whether that's kind of cool or not! Yeah, probably not.
(Ella Mentree, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 2:33, Reply)

Erm...
My eight-year-old brother is often found having swordfights with me. What's guilty about that? It's a loving brother indulging his younger sibling in a game. No...

I make him do it! I love it, I fancy myself an Aragon-esque figure and I kick his arse every time. Sometimes I have to beg him to do it, I've actually turned off the fuse to pretend the computer isn't working so it will get him off the internet to play with me.

En garde!
(MJPerry was crude but clickable at, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 2:02, 2 replies)

Granny Panties
My wife's grandmother Edith has lived with us for the past three years, and whilst not exactly a spring chicken at 71, she is actually quite attractive and reasonably fit.

Over the past year, I have taken to raiding her laundry bin when everyone is out, for the purpose of jostling my tummy banana whilst enjoying her underwear.

Fortunately two years ago her bowel collapsed and consequently her anus was stitched shut and she was fitted with a colostomy bag. This is great news for me as you can sniff and lick away heartily without the danger of catching a tan land mine. Yep, they are 100% fanny batter.

More embarassingly, I also like picking my nose.
(Mandrill, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 1:51, 2 replies)

not me
but the fella i play football with will single handidly make shooting cyclists with his wipers an olympic event
( m-a-t-t -- formerly mini hasn't been on here for EVER!, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 1:51, Reply)

The shame
I don't actually care for my pet hamster, Galvatron. At all, he's only a baby and I already know I'll never love him. I only own him because he's fat, and I find fat hamsters funny.

This one's worse:

If I really need to pee, I'll hold it in for as long as possible. Sometimes for hours.
The relief upon release is almost orgasmic

I'm a bad person.

Length etc...
(forthejest thinks this is the Endgame, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 1:33, Reply)

nude model
When I get out of the shower, I strike poses in the mirror and pretend I'm a rather tasteful nude model. This involves a lot of strategically placed hands, hair, shampoo bottles, etc.

Sadly, I cannot do this anymore because the place I just moved into has a small mirror. :(
(TheChicken Five hundred thousand points from Gryffindor, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 1:25, 1 reply)

Driving down the road......
...and spy someone walking on the pavement on my side of the road. I start waving frantically at them, and when they start waving back I lower the passenger seat's sun guard with the waving hand and stare forward as if I've not noticed them waving back at me, making them feel like a right tool.

I do this 2-3 times a week :)
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 1:10, Reply)

I pick my nose.....
..I don't eat it though. That would be just unhygienic.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 1:03, Reply)

I'm tha resident weirdo
- I *really* like dancing (swing dancing, wearing period costumes from the 20s-40s, etc.)
- I like folk music, classical music, and Christina Aguilera (this coming from someone who once was a die-hard jazz/metal/rock guy)
- Watching crappy films and TV shows because of the smoking hot girls acting in them
- Watching anime simply because of girls like Nami, Robin (One Piece), and Faye (Cowboy Bebop)
- Acting strangely just to see people's reactions. Often involves the ministry of silly walks or reciting Blackadder or Monty Python or Shaun of the Dead or Black Books
(satellite blows, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 1:01, 1 reply)

Directions
I don't do this any more.

When people used to pull over and ask me directions to somewhere I'd *always* send them off in completely the wrong direction.

It made my year when, after sending some guy off to Sunderland ("you won't see the signs for Newcastle until you reach Sunderland mate - they're right next to each other") he came puttering past me a few hours later and screamed:

"BASTARD!!" out of the window.


Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 0:54, 5 replies)

Ice Ice Baby!
Being a grown man and going to Dynamic Earth with your girlfriend to lick the giant iceberg...

Thats what i did today...
(Pimp my Clown is going back to the future on, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 0:43, Reply)

Standing a mere few centimetres from the TV
Waiting to see who comes out of the box on Camberwick Green.

Also being evil to my poor A-Level biology teacher. Bless her, shes a lovely woman our Judy, late 40's to early 50's, but shes so easily distracted. I like to sit at the front of the class. And wink at her whenever her gaze falls upon me. Stops her right in her tracks, pure class.
( Popidge Last ate a kebab on, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 0:34, Reply)

Social discomfort
This is actually something I do around people. To people. I'm boring when I'm on my own.

I consciously and willfully violate people's personal space.
This causes people to think I'm an absolute prick and would probably punch me if I gave them a less homophobic reason other than "He touched me!"

BTW, I am a straight guy, I just display affection for my male peers in a strange manner.
I'm not sure why I do this, as I know it really makes some people's blood boil.
I will happily stroke the face of someone I've only just met. People I've known longer get a chin stroke. I can fully understand why people are uncomfortable with it, but I don't understand why I do it.
Some of my friends have learned to deal with this and are awesome, and often reciprocate.
Man boob gropage occurs with my best of friends.

Female friends get head-touching and hugs.

I can only assume this is some sort of substitute for physical affection where there isn't a girlfriend.

I almost always have to high-five friends and aquaintances when I meet them.

I also regularly get my man-tits out in public. I can't remember the last day that went by where I didn't show someone my nipples.

Any freudian psychologists wish to analyse me?
(joepublic 's opinion does not represent that of the public, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 0:31, 5 replies)

Instant Giggles
You know that thing where two people are walking towards each other and then they both go left, then both go right, then both go left again, and then both mumble 'sorry' as they finally awkwardly pass?

I do that deliberately whenever I'm walking about, even if the person can see me coming from a distance. Great fun.

Makes me laugh every time as I hear them apologise for something that was in no way their fault.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 0:18, Reply)

Crimes against humanity
When I'm alone, late at night, I flick through the freeveiw parrade of mediocrity in the hope of getting curb your enthusiasm, QI, I.T. crowd or maybe a little Father Ted. No shame in that right? Saddly, I often settle for the horror that is "Two pints of larger and a packet of crisps". In the early days, it was tollerable, just. Ralph Little alwasys makes me smile. Wisely, he decided to call it a day, yet on it goes, devoid of any comedy. I know its shite, but I still giggle, maybe its the fact a nine year old seems to have written it, or maybe its the fact sex words seem to be its key joke, but god it gets me giggling, in the same way a severly handicapped person might make you laugh.


Laughs of pity or not, what I do makes me feel dirty.
(Mong goose, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 0:05, Reply)

I apologise for my previous post...
But it's for a good reason

www.channel4.com/player/v2/player.jsp?showId=447#

^^ Open that bad boy in a new window/tab and wait until the end. The guy that says "His mother"...that's me!

Now you all know what I look like! Argh!

Ah well...
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 23:54, 3 replies)