I once convinced
a rather vain work colleague that she could buy a prescription windscreen for her car so she didn't have to wear her glasses to drive in. She phoned Autoglass up for a quote.
(leemel, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 12:54, 4 replies)

I believed
all the posters who said "not me, but a friend", or "I pulled this one on some one else".
(pins, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 12:53, Reply)

This week's QOTW
Both Pooflake and Enzyme are of to a flying start, both of whom have earned clicks from me so far.

I'd love to join in the fun, but no-one ever lies to me these days so I can't...

*Edit* Mustn't forget Legless's sterling efforts too.

*Whaddya mean it's my round? Again?*

See you after lunch chaps.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 22 Aug 2008, 12:43, 4 replies)

I once
Convinced a female friend of mine that "Lord Of The Rings" was based on a true story.

It happened in ancient Greece, didn't you know?
( Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 12:41, Reply)

You’d have to get up pretty early in the morning…

I feel sorry for those poor deluded saddos who believe anything they’re told. One born every minute I suppose.

Not only do I pride myself on my own intelligence and ‘street smarts’ I have an impressive entourage of friends who seem duty bound to protect me from everyday scams and con-artists

Only yesterday my mate Jim was warning me about the ‘evils’ of those ‘timeshare holidays’. Fortunately for me, he has experience on the matter, gave me the benefit of his wisdom and he allowed me to invest in a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to spend 2 ½ days a year camping by a petrol station in Magaluf, for the discount annual price of just £3000 up front for the next quarter of a century.

Sometimes I don’t even have to leave the house to benefit. Last week I looked out of my front door to see my garden covered in tarmac. Some lovely travelling folk informed me that they didn’t want me to miss out as they were only in my neighbourhood for the week; and that the £1200 cost would save me thousands in the long run. When I paid them, they sharpened one of my knives and gave me some ‘lucky’ heather absolutely free of charge! Try and beat THAT for service – so called ‘Tesco value!’

Last year I bought a computer…and within 2 weeks, totally out of the blue I was informed that not only had I won the Lithuanian lottery without even entering, but I was contacted by a Nigerian Civil Servant who informed me I had been ‘specially selected’ to share in his £20 million pound business scheme. I reckon I am just days away from receiving my cheques…I sent the admin fees away quite a while ago…

In fact, the amount of phone calls I get telling me that I have been ‘specially selected’ for various offers make me think that I must have been born under a lucky sign.

In a supreme act of kindness, my buddy Barry recently let me buy his 'home safe' that is cleverly disguised as a cardboard box to thwart thieves, and is made from the very latest fireproof cardboard. £500 well spent I’m sure you’ll agree, because you can’t put a price on knowing that your collection of extended warranties and credit card protection invoices will be safe.

I’ll also never forget the debt of gratitude I owe to my mate Keith, who managed to warn me (just in time) that Plasma TVs cause cancer, and offered to take my new 50” away and humanely dispose of it for just a £90 handling charge. What a guy.

Then there’s ‘Doctor’ Pete – I’m not sure what he is a doctor of exactly, but he said I looked a bit peaky the other day and offered a free rectal examination. His thermometer seemed a bit on the ‘wide’ side…so much so that it took a few attempts to properly insert it…and I think the bulb burst at the end…but it was free so it wasn’t for me to complain.

My girlfriend has also kindly warned me about the terrible legal implications (and complications) of making a will, so kindly offered to take control of something called my ‘power of attorney’ (whatever that is). My girlfriend has assured me that I never need worry about anything again. I am so lucky. She’s going on holiday soon and apparently ‘can’t say’ when she will be back. Lord knows I will miss her – perhaps I should have loaned her my timeshare?

So anyway, as you can tell, this QotW definitely does NOT apply to me.

Must dash, I’ve heard a rumour that somebody down the marketplace is selling some ‘magic beans’…
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 22 Aug 2008, 12:35, 5 replies)

The guy in the Army recruitment place...
Said the good old Brit army would pay for any qualifications I wanted to do. This was a big plus point for a guy with no money and eager to do well in life.

Did they pay for my education? Did they hell, some money off was all I got. Did I get any time off to study? Ha, stacks of that on an operational tour.

Wha wha whaaaaaaa...
(Mmm Zebalicious is wondering..., Fri 22 Aug 2008, 12:28, 1 reply)

To OneInThePink
JINX!
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 12:17, 1 reply)

I got away with this largely unfunny one a good couple of dozen times
Me: Did you hear? Ken Dodd died.
Random: Did he?
Me: No! DODDY!

Apols if someone else has already posted this.

Or this.

Me: Did you hear, that Eco warrior Swampy has died?
Random: No, what happened?
Me: Heart attack
Random: How awful, he wasn't that old
Me: Yeah, well, they were gonna give him a bypass but her protested.

Mullered is easily amused. Very easily.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 12:15, 2 replies)

Gunther reminded me
Saw my dad the other day

Me: Guess what?
Dad: What?
Me: Ken Dodd died
Dad: Did he?
Me: No, Doddy.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 12:15, Reply)

That reminds me
"Oh my god, she's died"
"Who has"
"That actress who was stabbed last night.. she was in hospital, but they've announced she's dead"
"Who? Who's died?"
"She was stabbed! Reece... Reece..."
"Witherspoon?"
"No, with a knife!"

It didn't help that after the punchline, I kept remembering that she'd died. Then remembering that no, it was a joke.
(__, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 12:11, 9 replies)

Bonnet de Douche

"Del Boy's dead." he said.

"What are you talking about?" me this time.

"Del Boy, died of a heart attack this morning."

"You mean David Jason. Really? David Jason is dead?" distressing stuff.

"Yeah. This morning. Del Boy Jason died of a heart attack. Horrible business."

"Blimey."


~~~~~~~~~~~~


A sleep has passed and I'm in work now:

"Del Boy's dead." I said.

"What are you talking about?" someone else this time.

"David Jason, died of a heart attack yesterday."

"Really Gunther? Are you sure, Gunther? You'd think it'd be on the news, wouldn't you Gunther?" challenging stuff.

"Yeah, but... I mean, you know... My flat mate said yesterday..."

Arse.
( Moey, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 12:08, Reply)

pizza
years back, i was looking for weed so i ring the last person I want to talk to but I'm desperate and this guy is rumoured to be sitting on a massive stash of all sorts of illegals. some guy he knows, who i'd never met, answers the phone with a really unconvincing 'Hello, goodfellas pizza - can I take your order?'. Ah, a comedian. First of all, goodfellas is a make of supermarket pizza not a fucking take away. Secondly, I wasn't in the mood for this shit at all, who the fuck are you and where's my mate with his fucking weed you idiot. So i decided to put the shits up him, claiming i was an anonymous informant (I actually said 'anonymous informant' who the fuck says that) and that the people outside in that van were cops who were about to bust the place wide open and everyone needed to get out of there stat. I hear a phone clattering, and my weed boy takes up the phone going, what the fuck have you said to fucknuts, he's just run out the door crying. I never met this guy but in my head he looks like a young gaz top.
(shanvishnu, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 12:07, 1 reply)

Ah this was awful
I'd had a very drunken night out with my friend Sean, and the next day I picked up an answerphone message from him.

It said "listen, I don't know what I must have done to deserve that, but you must really hate me. I've had some shitty stuff done to me but this was off the scale. I don't know whether I want an apology or what, but to be honest I don't really want to see you again".

My heart stopped - what had I done? I couldn't remember a single thing. I rang him and he didn't pick up. So I did what any self-respecting man would do; I drank half a bottle of Pimms and went to bed.

Later I phoned drinkline and told them everything. A very kind man asked me how much I drank, and how often. I said "once or twice a week, several pints".
"of beer?", he asked?
"Yes."
"So you drink several pints of beer once or twice a week, and you do things that you subsequently regret?"
"Yes".
He said "To be honest I don't think you're an alcoholic, just a young person. I recommend that you carry on drinking if you like, but just try not to act like a tosser".
He sounded like he could use a drink himself to be honest, he was quite animated when talking about booze.

Anyway Sean called a couple of weeks later. I said "I don't know what I've done but I'm so, so sorry..."
He said "what? oh the message! yeah that was just a joke".

Apologies for breadth.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 12:01, Reply)

Degaussing Wand fun
Sorry in advance for geekness

FYI
A degaussing wand is a nice little bundle of electro magnets that used to be used a few years back for degaussing CRT monitors (before the inbuilt deguass button was a common option)

These days its just an overpriced very strong magnet used for deleting data from HDD's etc.

The story

We had an old high power battery powered degaussing wand in the back of the drawer left over from the days when we had lots of CRT monitors about the place.

One of the trainee techies dug it out and asked what it was, so we dug out an old CRT monitor, put some batterys in the wand and showed hime the fun you could have distorting the screen image by holding the tip of the wand an inch or so from the screen and moving it in circles. This is how we used to degauss a CRT monitor

While we were doing this the boss of the day wondered in for a quick chat, and admired our big powerful wand (oooh errr) and then wandered off again on his travels.

he popped in again a couple of hours later asking where the trainee was, as he had some work for him, so we told him that the trainee had been so impressed with the wand that he had gone on a tour of the server rooms to "degauss" the little LCD screens on the front of all of the Dell servers (next to the hard drives).

The poor guy turned white and ran in the direction of the nearest server room as fast as he could, meeting the trainee who had really just gone for a coffee half way and physically rugby tackling him to the ground.

We would have got a right bollocking for the joke if the boss had not been so embarrased
!
( RadG Drinking Mojitos in the sun, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 11:57, 1 reply)

I know now....
I was told by a girl at school if i showed her the contents of my pants she would show me hers!
She didn't :(


But I know now there was nothing to see ;)
(Underpants, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 11:56, 1 reply)

sorry mate
For a while i knew a friend only by his first name. I really liked Huw and after that certain period of time it was just plain wrong to ask his surname. On a night out I ask our mutual friend for Huw's surname, to which he replied Jazz. I though “no way!”. What a cool surname. I subsequently changed the entry in my mobile phone and even started refering to him as Huw Jazz. This went on for a while before on day i introduced him to someone as Huw Jazz. Only then it occured to me how stupid and rude i had been. Sorry mate!
(kurious orange, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 11:55, Reply)

Being told realistic sounding lies
There is a guy in work who always makes up stories which could well be true. For example, saying he had a spare ticket for a local band which were all sold out, saying his brother was going but his friend had pulled out and told me to text him on the day if I wanted it. I therefore texted him on the day and heard nothing back...

The next time I was in work, he tried mocking me saying I was gullible for falling for his little scheme of making me look like a fool....
( executiverocker only wears C&A, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 11:50, Reply)

Apparently a lot of people were taken in...



I'd like to point out that that is a proper, genuine screen-grab from the Beeb site. Definitely. Oh, yes.


.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 11:43, 15 replies)

Gullible Workmates
One of my workmates isn’t the brightest button in the box and can be easily convinced of just about anything. The two the spring to mind:

We have certain rules about what you can and cannot eat/drink at your desks, one of the banned foods is cheese, upon asking why I informed her, it's because little bits of cheese get into the keyboards and attract mice that in turn eat through the buttons to get to it. (As far as I'm aware she still believes this).

Secondly: The Red Arrows were doing a show (in Torquay I believe) anyway they had to fly over our office, the noise was amazing they were practically touching the top of the trees! When she asked what it was I calmly explained not to worry but the RAF had just intercepted planes from Iraq and were flying off to shoot them down.

I will post more as I remember them.
(quagarr, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 11:42, Reply)

when i was in china a few years back
I went out after work with a few buddies, we ended up in the Reggae bar - Hangzhou (if anyone knows it).

Anyway, im sitting there and i catch the eye of a rather cute girl sitting with her mates. I wonder over and start talking. Even though she speaks broken english, after a few more beers and flirting I am sucking her face off. One things leads to another am i am soon at home performing bedroom Olympics with the girl.

The next day in work i arrived to a round of applause, the word had got around that i had been lucky, and got my end away.

10 minutes later two of my mates come over.

"Hey 'Dan', did you like that bird last night?

"Yeah she was quality"

"Yeah, we paid her for that"


WHAT?!?!?!? I thought. She was a hooker? How did I not know this? This can’t be true.


"You’re kidding me?" I said the shock now dawning on my face

"nah mate, when you went the bog we approached her with £50 to sleep with you, you mentioned a few days back it had been a while, so we thought we'd give you a helping hand"

FUCK! i thought, i felt sick, i felt exploited.

This was nasty. I had been duped.

"Your kidding me - right?" I said. Looking and hoping it was just a trick.

at this point the lads saw my face, looked at one another,

"erm, yeah, we were only kiddin" they said unconvincingly.

"you WERE kidding right lads?" I confirmed.

"yeah hehe (nervous laughter) defo mate."

(it turned out she wasn’t a hooker. It was all a game of bluffs on their part)

We then returned to work. However I couldn’t work. Things were running through my mind.

Now ill admit I have been with a Hooker before, im not proud of it. But at least I KNEW it was one, I hadn’t asked for a hooker. This was evil.

over every Ciggy break i had a one to one with one of the lads. The conversation would go something like this.

me "mate, were you kiddn or what?"

mate "do you want me to be honest?"

"yeah"

"no, we were serious, she was a hooker"

Followed by a conversation of

me "mate, were you kiddn or what?"

mate "do you want me to be honest?"

"yeah"

"no, we were messing we have never seen her before"


I have never felt so sick before. Confusion prevailed, i have never felt so exploited before.

I ended up seeing her loads, and then again when I returned a months later. We are still in touch to this day.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 11:36, Reply)

I invented a series of factoids
"There's more gold in urine than there is in seawater"

Try it down the pub, I bet you will get replies of "really?", then follow it up with "That's why it's such a good conductor of electricity". If this is questioned, finish with "yup, 20 people a year are killed pissing on electric fences".
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 11:34, Reply)

'I'm NOT adopted'.....'Yes you are'
A few ones here.

In 2nd year, maybe 12 or 13 or so, when pubes and cock size were serious issues. We convinced one of our gang that when you 'matured' and became a man, you jed hed (glans, german helmet, bell end) would fall right off. He whispered that in fact his hadn't fallen off yet. A few weeks go by and he excitedly runs up to whisper once more that 'it happened'..His purple helmet had fallen off last night and he was now a man...We just sagely nodded and let him get on with it......

A more nasty one was when we convinced a pal that he was adopted and had been in a huge car accident from he recovered, with amnesia and obviously could not remember any of these previous details. We got more and more convincing as we 'remembered' details of the crash, in more and more detail. Told him what we knew of his previous family and a whole load of other shit that he seemed to believe and it seemed to eat away at him.....until his hugely obese mother shouted from her window that 'we were a bunch of childish twats who should stop messing with her wee boy' the fat sow.....We went on with it though, and said that was exactly what we knew she would do , to cover up the adoption and all that...poor bastard.

I convinced my wife that asprin were made from tiny fleas that were crushed up and were the active ingredient...she had to look it up.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 11:30, Reply)

Sending apprentices on errands for non-existent items.
*Edit: I realise shanvishnu has done it but they were building site ones.
Here's some engineering ones.

I'm sure everybody in engineering has done this to an apprentice at some point.

The worrying thing is that some of the more gullible ones managed to do well within the company. How does that happen?

Sparks for the grinder
More Gauge - try and get a fixed rate
Hot/cold tap
Bucket of steam
Sky hooks
Metric/Imperial adjustable spanner
Bigger holes for the washers
British airline
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 11:30, 7 replies)

I once convinced The Furry Dinosaur ( a b3tan and ex-girlfriend)
That Men have a 'Menstrual cycle'

During which, different amounts of spunk are generated in the testes.

I then calmly explained that this was why it was called the 'menstrual cycle' which is when I had gone too far.
( WormuIus, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 11:27, Reply)

I was told as a child
That Hamsters came from Amsterdam, being young, I had no reason to doubt this information.

To be honest, I've got no idea where hamsters do come from, but I'm fairly sure it's not Amsterdam.

Oh, I once told a friend that lightbulbs only fail if there is a spititual disturbance, 'Have you never noticed that bulbs only go if you've had an argument with your other half or if you've been shouting at the telly during football?' 'No, but we'll put this to the test!'

That'll be him spending most of the day trying to create enough havoc to plunge his house into darkness.

When it didn't work, I said,

'Well 'duh!' it won't work if you do it during the day will it!'

Turns out, he's still a bit suspecious and would probably - if pushed - answer that bulbs fail are 'cause we argue and stuff

Hamsters, I ask you.

Mullered.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 11:25, 5 replies)

I used to work in a well known cinema in Manchester...
Christopher Eccleston regularly came in to watch films on his own.

I don't follow celebrity land, and have never watched Doctor Who, so I didn't know who the hell Christopher Eccleston was.

As he approached the box office, one person said "Oh look who it is"...

I said "Who is it?"

Sensing my ignorance to this famous actor, the manager quick as a flash replied.

"Oh it's Chris, it's his first day, he has special needs. Will you show him around?"

Being a kind hearted citizen, I then proceeded to talk to Christopher Eccleston like a 5 year old and try to usher him towards the staff room. With the words "Special Needs" on the brain, I even went so far as to stop him when he tried to get away.

I soon realized he wasn't so special needs when he told ME to fuck off and stop acting like a spaz.

Well he looks a BIT special needs.
( MrGomez and David Bellamy's big pubey beard, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 11:24, 5 replies)

these are universal building site ones
that have probably already been posted but i couldn't be arsed reading through the whole board in this hungover from cider state

These are all preceeded by a 'Go down to the lads on floor X and get me a...'

a) bubble for a spirit level
b) long stand (guess what this results in?)
c) tin of elbow grease
d) glass hammer
e) left hand screwdriver

i once went to a large stone building and swore to reject satan and all his works. the transvestite guy totally fell for it!
(shanvishnu, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 11:22, 1 reply)

Aussie Gullibilty
As a kid I went to school in Australia.

When I got there my nickname quickly became 'Casper' due to clearly not being darker skinned as I hail from the British Isles and are not as blessed with the sun.

Anyway, like a lot of people from large countries, quite a few of my fellow pupils believed the UK to be about the size of the Isle of Wight and that we're so overcrowded that we all live just around the corner from everyone else and that everyone must know the entire British population on first name terms.

So...I'd been at school about 2 days (after arriving in the country about 4 days prior to that - yeah, thanks for the rest dad!) and this girl we shall call Lisa, for that is her name asked me if I knew any famous people.

I told her that over the years I had seen Paul MacCartney, Henry McCulough (the Wings guitarist) and a few others. Paul being the biggest 'star' I have ever met, still to this day (he was up a ladder cutting back bushes and pointed out a good place to find Holly bushes).

She seemed unimpressed and then asked if I had ever met Phill Collins - this was the early to mid 80's.

Of course, being a teenager in a country where the education system (at the time) was a few years behind ours, I could smell the gullibilty.

"Of course" says I. In fact, I Phil still writes to me, and said in his last letter that if he is ever touring over this way he'll pop in and say "Hi".

"Really?" says Lisa, getting quite excitable now.

Now, you see, she was a pretty young thing, and I was a randy teenager. In my, no-doubt jet-lagged addled brain, I figured I would be losing the v-plates to this girl if only I could convince her that I was friends with Phil.

"I could get you his autograph if you like"

"Wow, you don't mind?"

"Of course not"
etc....

So, anyway, I got home and wrote a letter to me from Phil, saying how he was sad that we had moved away, and he hoped that we were enjoying ourselves and that he would hopefully be seeing us soon etc... "He" also wrote that he like the sound of my new 'friend' Lisa and that he had included his autograph as requested, and perhaps he could meet her when he was next over in Oz.

The autograph was of course traced from the cover of "No Jacket Required" and included on a seperate bit of paper.

I waited a few weeks and then handed her the letter, which I pulled from an envelope that a 'real' person had sent me from good old Blighty.

She was estatic, and kept asking me when he was coming over etc...

I just sort of shrugged it off nonchalently as if having Phil Collins as your best mate meant nothing to me, and that I was sure he'd be over at some point. If she wanted me to pass her address on to him, then I would gladly oblige.

To cut a long story short, I didn't lose the v-plates to this girl, as she was clearly all loved up with a balding middle-aged man who comes out of his hole once and hour to count his Nazi gold (thanks Green Wing).

However, upon my return to the UK a year later, I continued to send the letters from Phil, not to me, but to her.

This actually carried on for many months, with Phil promising to visit when he was over on tour.

I was only caught out when he actually did play in Oz, but was still sending letters at the same time postmarked UK.

I got a letter from her to "Phil, or whoever you are" saying "Fuck off".

Still, she believed she had Phil Collins as a pen-pal for many months.

Ain't kids cruel?
(dchurch bah, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 11:20, Reply)

When but a young Che
I was a bit of a mythomaniac or compulsive bullshitter if you prefer. I honestly can't remember 99% of the guff I used to come out with, but one that I do remember is that when I started college, I happened to mention that I lived in the same street as Pete Townshend. I didn't of course, but it was entirely feasible.

This was typical of the type of thing I'd say, something so unremarkable that noone would think to question its veracity. Why did I do this? No friggin' idea, it was just a habit I got into.

Maybe I was a frustrated writer even then. Maybe b3ta QOTW was made for me and I've found my resting place.

Maybe this story isn't true, maybe I told people I lived in the same street as Melvyn Hayes (Gloria from 'It ain't half hot mum'), maybe I can't really remember.

Maybe I should stop here.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 11:19, Reply)

kebab
My friends told me that our kebab vendor was an immigrant and, almost unbelievably, his name was John Van De Kebab.

I used to say "Hi, I'll have a kebab please, John Van De Kebab. Hello there John Van de Kebab, just a kebab today thanks".

Eventually he said "for fucks sake stop calling me that. My name's Donna".

Edit: Ha! My joke! His name was Robert.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 11:16, 2 replies)