New Girlfriend
When I was 19, I started dating a girl named Rachel who I met down my local. We’d been seeing each other for about 3 weeks when I sensed there was a problem ‘between the sheets’. Rachel didn’t say as much, but I could sense it and there was an underlying doubt in my mind that she was not impressed with my sexual performance, so to speak. No matter what I tried, she didn’t seem satisfied, and I could tell that she was blatantly faking her moans and groans of pleasure. It hit me hard; I was only 19, my girlfriend thought I was useless in bed, and as the relationship progressed a few weeks further, I found it more of a chore to put in the effort when having sex as I knew that she wasn’t enjoying it. ‘If only she’d tell me or show me what she likes’ I thought to myself time and time again, ‘then this relationship would be perfect’.
I was in a position that I hadn’t found myself in before. I couldn’t go to my mates and ask for their advice; I had far too much male pride to do that, and I knew that if my suspicions should come out then they would rip the piss out of me non-stop. Knowing them, they would have offered to have a go on her themselves. I also couldn’t ask Rachel’s friends because, well, that would just be strange. Sitting in my room one night after I’d got back from Rachel’s house, I decided to go and talk to the only person that I thought would be able to give me advice; my Dad.
Now, this in itself was a big thing for me. We’d never had ‘the chat’, and we didn’t really talk about things like this with each other, apart from the odd ‘Don’t get many of them to the pound’ comment my Dad would make in the car when we drove past a busty female pedestrian. I inhaled deeply and went to the front room, where my Dad was watching the TV.

“Dad”, I said quietly. “I...erm...Can I talk to you about something?”

My Dad, eyes remaining transfixed on the TV, muttered “Yes” and so I began explaining to him in great detail about my fears; about how I didn’t think I was satisfying Rachel, about my constant worry that she’d leave me for someone else if I couldn’t please her in the bedroom and that I didn’t know what to do to make things better. It was a long outpouring of my feelings, and I had to check twice that my Dad was actually listening to me as he remained focused on the TV. After I’d finished, he finally looked at me,

“Son, you don’t need to worry about things like that”. He took a sip of his coffee before he continued, “What you need is a pillow.”

“A pillow?”, I was confused.

“Yes son, a pillow. When you’re doing the dirty, slip a pillow underneath her bum. Works all the time, you can’t fail to hit the spot, she’ll love it. Trust me, when I first started dating your mu..”

“THANKS DAD!” I cut him off before he could go any further and retired to bed optimistic about my future with Rachel. The following day was Friday, and we were going out for drinks before staying the night at my house.

Friday came and drinks were enjoyed. We had a good laugh and my sexual fears and frustrations temporarily disappeared. It wasn’t until the walk home that I started to get a bit nervous about doing the deed again, but my Dad’s words of advice the night before were still ringing in my ears. We eventually got home and I checked the front room to see if my parents were still up. There was no sign of them, so I assumed that they were in bed. Rachel and I headed upstairs, and being quite merry, it wasn’t long before we were kissing passionately, and undressing each other, whilst trying to keep quiet so that we didn’t wake my parents, who were asleep in the next room. Before I knew it, I was on top of Rachel’s perfect, naked body and thrusting away. As usual, I was getting nothing in response, so heeding my Dad’s advice, I reached for pillow. I withdrew temporarily, and lifted Rachel’s legs and pert bum off the bed, sliding the pillow under her. Within seconds I was back inside her sponge cavern and was starting to build up a nice rhythm. I then saw something that will stay with me to the day I die.

My Dad stealthly rolled out from under my bloody bed, gave me a quick thumbs up and crept, on all fours, out of my room. The thing that perplexed me the most was his grin – he looked so pleased that I’d done what he told me to do. It was enough to end my night’s action. I feigned a headache to Rachel (who fortunately didn’t witness any of this) and we went to sleep. All I could think of whilst I lay in bed was my Dad’s big, cheesy grin; like a Cheshire cat.

I got a lock on my room after that.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 16:11, 48 replies)

GAAAH!
that's just horrific.

Did the pillow work though? (not that I need it of course, merely curious...)
(Spidge New sig needed, donations gratefully accepted., Thu 10 Sep 2009, 16:16, closed)

The relationship ended
two weeks later. I met a girl that proved it wasn't me with the issue...
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 16:20, closed)

Did your Mum finger her?

( wotofco pissing in your swimming pool, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 18:55, closed)

Pffffffft
*coffee
(WillI'mNot logs in twice a year, every year, Mon 14 Sep 2009, 23:19, closed)

damn!
and I thought my "hang on, I swear that light was off when we started" moment was bad.
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Fri 11 Sep 2009, 14:22, closed)

NOOOOO!!!!
Could have been worse though - he could have high-fived you while she wasn't looking...
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 16:17, closed)

Or stood looking over his shoulder
giving 'Golden Shot' style instructions.

"Left a bit. Up. Left a bit more."
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Sun 13 Sep 2009, 15:37, closed)

*Clicks*
Beautifully told, at first I took this for a Spanky special (and that's a compliment). The first post in a while that's made me spit coffee.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 10 Sep 2009, 16:18, closed)

Agreed
I think this is the best story I've read in a while.
(aylab, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 20:56, closed)

Is this serious?
Fooking hell. Click.

Did you speak to him about it?

Did you try it again, with the pillow?

Did it work?

Christ, too many questions.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 10 Sep 2009, 16:20, closed)

And....
...Did the pillow thingy work?

Just for my own personal curiosity mind...

*plumps pillows*
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 10 Sep 2009, 16:23, closed)

That's worked on some girls
but on others it seemed to hurt them like FUCK when I put my member of parliament halfway in. If you do it take it slow and see what happens. And remember, kids, its all about the lurve...
( SpankyHanky, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 16:35, closed)

Member of Parliament
Even when you reply you're on top form...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Mon 14 Sep 2009, 12:06, closed)

Did you not
Check under the bed afterwards for erm, stains that you dad might have left
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 16:23, closed)

Haha
A Usual Suspects like twist
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 16:24, closed)

ah
This is lies surely?
( rofl harris, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 16:26, closed)

I want to believe this soooooo much!
*click*
(Super Oaf Petit filous?, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 16:29, closed)

Could be worse...
Your dad could have crept out after you'd finished!! Disturbingly wonderful story, young man.
(RVD420 has his world coming down on, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 16:32, closed)

Truly beautiful, mate
Your dad sounds pretty damn amazing... err... he wasn't wanking though, was he???
( SpankyHanky, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 16:33, closed)

To Clarify:
- My Dad wasn't wanking.

- I haven't been tempted to use this technique since, so I'm not sure if it works or not.

- I always check under my bed now.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 16:37, closed)

Yippee-ki-yay!
I thought this was going somewhere else, so to speak, so thanks for the hearty laugh!
Clicks for dads everywhere!
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 16:39, closed)

I thought...
...your bed was a double divan?
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Thu 10 Sep 2009, 16:59, closed)

Oh dear God!!!
That is so wrong! It deserves a click but it somehow doesn't feel appropriate to say "I like this".... Your pops is clearly a mental!!!!


*clickety*
( catweasle neither a cat nor a weasle, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 17:28, closed)

Excellent stuff.
FP or your money back.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 17:34, closed)

I'm clicking this because I want it to be true
for some god-awful reason.
( Mockingbird Practitioner of SCIENCE, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 17:55, closed)

Blooming Heck
I wasn't expecting that (although, I suppose you weren't either).

Clicks for giggles.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Thu 10 Sep 2009, 17:58, closed)

Untrue post is untrue.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 18:09, closed)

that can't be true
can it?
( tickle I was away, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 18:31, closed)

the fact that it's written on Qotw should give you a good indication as to the veracity of the post.

( Richard Earl of Cambridge Cruel, Savage, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 19:05, closed)

I love your dad!
Im sat here and all I can picture is a man scurrying away on all fours with the biggest grin ever. Click!
(gib786, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 18:35, closed)

'YAY! HIS DAD'S A ROPEY OLD NONCE!'

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 19:04, closed)

Either your Dad is a bizarre pervert
or you're a bizarre liar.
( wotofco pissing in your swimming pool, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 18:44, closed)

'WOO! YOUR DAD'S A CREEPY OLD PERV!'

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 18:44, closed)

Fucking hell, this is exactly the sort of thing that earned this place the name Lie Of The Week.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 18:48, closed)

All I had to read was ''girlfriend'' in the subject line and I knew this was complete and utter tripe

( Harold Bishop's Love Child some sort of terrifying sex magician., Thu 10 Sep 2009, 18:51, closed)

This is the single best Qotw post ever written
Not only is the vast majority of it filler and line breaks.
It also combines a boast of sexual prowess, a hilarious story involving parents and sex, urban myths and unadulterated lies.

All it is lacking is defeating a bully by knowing karate.
( Richard Earl of Cambridge Cruel, Savage, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 19:04, closed)

i do tend to wonder why there are so many replies to it insisting it's obviously a lie though
if it was posted by someone from /talk, say you, it would be applauded as a brilliant work of satire
( well, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 19:07, closed)

It's about intent really isn't it.
A Littlejohn column would be great satire if someone else reproduced it word for word in the Guardian, the fact is that in the pages of the Mail it's a load of shit.
( Richard Earl of Cambridge Cruel, Savage, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 19:13, closed)

I actually agree with a lot of Richard's sentiments.
Not all but some.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Fri 11 Sep 2009, 6:57, closed)

a classic here:
Does anyone really give a monkey's about what happens in Rwanda? If the Mbongo tribe wants to wipe out the Mbingo tribe then as far as I am concerned that is entirely a matter for them.

I'm very happy to disagree entirely with everything this disgusting bellend has ever written.
( Richard Earl of Cambridge Cruel, Savage, Fri 11 Sep 2009, 13:23, closed)

Obviously, you're entitled to your own opinion, retarded or otherwise
but I find it very difficult to take somebody who would write that in a National newspaper seriously.
( Richard Earl of Cambridge Cruel, Savage, Fri 11 Sep 2009, 13:24, closed)

Which ones?
The ones where he points out the bleeding obvious, or the ones where he is a racist/xenophobic/homophobic twunt?
(Captain Skippy pooed in a bag and left it on your doorstep, Sat 12 Sep 2009, 7:42, closed)

No no no no no no
This CANNOT be true.
(If it is I would have mental scars for the rest of my life)

As far as the pillow goes, there is some truth in that - I hardly ever do it because well, in the heat of the moment there aren't much pillows left to use anyway, but in certain situations it can be useful.
All depends on the guy's anatomy too, really.
(St. Dymphna, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 20:04, closed)

What in the name of bollocking hell
was he thinking?? Did you ask him?

The perfect riposte would to have been to crawl under his bed the next time he and your mother were playing an energetic game of hide the salami and repeat the trick.

Though perhaps spending all of your money for the rest of your life on therapy might have been too expensive...
(Robin of the Hood isn't into the whole brevity thing, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 20:13, closed)

Fantastic..
Funniest reply in a while..
(Mike D, Fri 11 Sep 2009, 9:07, closed)

Ceiling Cat is Watching you Lie.
Does your dad drive a Honda Accord then?
(EffinDoubt is breaking glass on, Fri 11 Sep 2009, 14:08, closed)

rather funny that, doesn't matter much if it's true
you could almost have an image callenge on this one, i'm sure everyone sees a different cheeky grin when they read it.
(roddan, Fri 11 Sep 2009, 15:28, closed)

I imagine him to look a lot like Quagmire
Shame he didn't pop out and say "Giggidy Giggidy Goo" at any point!
(RVD420 has his world coming down on, Wed 16 Sep 2009, 15:13, closed)