A moment's quiet, please
I was visiting a friend of mine who had moved to the country. We were having some nice pints of ale in a lovely little country pub. His new local. It was quite noisy in there, being full of all his new neighbours.

We were having a pleasant, though animated debate about lyrics vs music. He was a poetic wordy type, I don't really care what the music is about as long as it's good. This extends to singing religious music despite being an atheist. (NOTE: I mean stuff like Bach, Vivaldi, Handel, cantatas and requiems, NOT modern hymns.)

To illustrate my point, I said (well, shouted) "If it's quality counterpoint I couldn't care less whether I'm singing 'glory be to god on high' or 'I like sucking Satan's cock'."

You know those strange moments when everyone in a place coincidentally has a conversational pause at the same time, and the whole place goes dead quiet? Exactly at the moment I was yelling the last 5 words.
(Turangalila, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 16:24, 3 replies)

More bible stories
We got a free bible at school so we wasted no time in putting it to good use. We stopped at our local dealer on the way home and bought a large quantity of weed. The dealer was in fact a man on pavement at a very busy train station and given the fact we were still in school uniform it was in retrospect a very stupid thing to do. Never-the-less we made it home and climbed onto my garage roof and started ripping out pages of the bible to make some huge fat spliffs. We realised the pages didn't stick very well so being the resourceful kids we were used some glue to hold it all together.

The following few hours were spent in a haze trying to decipher what the bible meant and how fortuitous it had been that Gideons had visited our school that day. I think that was the most bible reading I have ever done. Ever.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 16:16, Reply)

I shall further my hellbound course
by printing and distributing this (http://makemegod.com/bibles/TheDevil.pdf) as widely as possible.

Bwahahahaha, etc.
( uberdeity Wondered why Owen Lars knew of the term "hell" on, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 16:04, Reply)

I just laughed myself to tears
After reading this.

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/7779024.stm
( Cawl, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 16:03, 12 replies)

I'm going to hell for one simple reason....
....I gave my seat on the bus to an old lady.

But only because I had just dropped the most fowl smelling fart upon it.

See you in the hot firey place, kids.
( The Pollitt chooses to listen to Enya on, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 16:03, 3 replies)

Can't believe it has been posted yet
Any bets as to who is going to be the first to get the blackadder quotes in?
( MatJ LOOK, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 16:01, 2 replies)

Time for another cathartic post from me I'm afraid.
My eldest brother Derek was born with severe cerebral palsy. He was confined to a wheelchair and lived in a care home for the majority of his life.

According to his regularly updated medical reports, Derek was partially sighted, partially deaf and his mental development was severely curtailed.

I only ever saw him a few times a year. It might sound awful, but it's difficult to interact with someone who can't respond to you in a way you can easily understand. However, despite his severe disability Derek was reputed amongst his carers to have a somewhat less than PC sense of humour. It wasn't really elaborated upon, but there were knowing looks and the occasional wink when the subject of Derek's hysterical belly laughs came up.

In May 2001 I returned from my honeymoon to discover that Derek had passed away suddenly. He'd reached the age of forty one and to be honest I assumed that the old bugger would keep going on forever. However, I was quite surprised at the scale of his funeral, two of his old carers had come out of retirement to see him off with a final goodbye. A lot of his carers seemed genuinely saddened by his passing, he'd made an impression on people.

I discovered quite how many later on that evening at the wake. One of his carers came over to me, a young woman of about nineteen or twenty, generously padded up front.

"Hi, I'm Rachel. You must be Derek's youngest brother. You have the same face as him" she said.

"Yes I am. Did you know him well?" I replied.

"I've been caring for him for six months"

A young man interjected.

"Actually Derek was rather fond of Rachel" he said, smiling.

Knowing looks were exchanged.

"Oh yes?"

"Well, Derek used to kick up a fuss if I was around and tending to someone else" replied his carer.

"Go on, tell him more" said the young man, who I correctly guessed was another care worker.

Guiltily she told me the rest.

"Well, I went through a bit of a phase with him. Every time I used to feed him in the morning he'd fit. I had to reach over and hit the panic alarm" she started to smile now.

"I couldn't figure it out, what did I do to cause these fits? He never fitted when anyone else was attending to him. Sometimes he'd stop fitting and start raucously laughing" she continued.

It transpired that the fits were faked. The cunning bugger had the hots for Rachel and was treated to a full in the face closeup of her large round norks each time she reached over and slapped the panic alarm button.

Here's to you brother.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 12 Dec 2008, 15:46, 15 replies)

Me and the midget
This happened three weeks ago: I went to a football game with a friend of mine, and as always we stopped to have a beer at the gas station on our way to the stadium. We were standing there chatting, when suddenly I felt the urge to get rid of my intestinal gas due to some onion soup I had for lunch. Unfortunately and unnoticed by your humble narrator, a midget walked by behind me this very moment, and I farted right in his face. He looked at me with an expression of disgust and humiliation on his little face and went away without saying a word. We had quite a laugh and it made the boring nil-nil my team delivered that day to one of my most memorable football afternoons. To hell with me.
(Dull S. Dishwater, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 15:44, 1 reply)

Originally
This godless little biblical parody was safely buried, I thought, in a reply to a reply to one of the Resident Loon's stories. At his suggestion I'm bringing it to a wider audience to further cement my future position amongst Satan's pitchforking minions.

missc was hassled by Christians for smoking. Why?

Well...

Nobody smokes in the bible. Therefore smoking is a non-god approved activity. Or some rubbish like that.

Of course they don't know about the missing passages from the Wedding Feast at Cana :

"11: And verily Mary the Mother of Jesus then saith unto him 'Oh Jesus I'm gasping for a fag, why do I only smoke when I've been drinking?'. 12:And Jesus saith 'It's because it's sociable innit?' 13:and he took some tapers and prayed to the LORD and behold they were not tapers but cigarettes, 14:yea, not roll-ups but nice Sobranie Cocktails, with gold tips and coloured paper and everything. 15:And the guests at the feast were much amazed, for Sobranie Cocktails are dead classy and quite expensive and also tobacco hadn't been invented yet. 16:And then Judas saith 'These are smokes for poofs, can't we have some nice cigars instead' " etc etc.
(richardm, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 15:23, 1 reply)

Jesus is coming



Grab the tissues!
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 15:18, Reply)

I’m beginning to see a pattern!
Again back in my early 20’s the group of friends I was in all drank in this one pub, every night we’d be in there it was a great place, the bar staff all knew us, and we would regularly get away with things that would have gotten others thrown out and/or arrested!

Well this one Friday night we’re all sitting in our usual corner drinking lots, when in walks one of our group who’d been absent for a while, he said he was ill, but we all knew he was bullshitting, and that he’d vanished because a lady friend of his had told him to piss off back to whatever hole he’d crawled out of.

He was not well liked, mainly because he liked to hit on any girl in the group, be they single or not, and for his penchant for lies!

So we were all sitting there having a drink and in he walks, and offers to buy us all a drink because he has some news for us! Never ones to pass up on a drink we all ordered bottles of cider, 15 of us!

Well the young lady from my last post http://www.b3ta.com/questions/hell/post327284 was sitting right next to me as she always tended to do, and I knew that this bloke fancied her, so I hatched a plan!

His news was that he had leukemia, we were sure he didn’t and that he was just a lying bastard!

When it came to getting the next round I put my plan into action, and got my mates girlfriend to come on to him and get him to buy the booze, which he did, for the rest of the night! He got nothing out of it as he wasn’t drinking, and the girl was more interested in me and her boyfriend! He spent a fortune that night, close to £100, and back in the 80’s that was a lot of money to spend on a night out!

We made him buy us drinks all night, and laughed at him every time he went to the bogs. It got so bad even the bar staff were laughing at him.

The upshot was that the bar staff kept all the bottles we drank that night on a shelf near the ceiling of the bar, they’re still there now, and the twat, he did have leukemia. None of us felt bad as he was a complete twunt!
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 15:05, Reply)

Wheel Chairs, pah.....
When i started going out with the current Mrs DM I discovered that she was a unit manager who worked with people who were classed as long term disabled or from "now until dead" as I called them at the time (I'm better now cause the wife has since beat it out of me).........

Upon entering her work for the first time I was introduced to a gent who is very badly disabled indeed, weighs about 6 stone and is balled up on a big powered wheel chair looking like a giant dried out foetus.

However regardless of his disability the boys marbles are all there if a little scrambled in that he fancies the future Mrs DM."and" thinks he is in with a chance.

So when I introduce myself as his current fantasy's jockey I'm a little surprised with his reaction.

First there is the blood curdling wail that only the terminally disabled can make.

This is then followed by the frantic rubbing sound of wheels on carpet as he tries to do a dukes of hazard in his powered wheel chair and run me down..


Now comes the bad bit......

Do I just jump out of the way and wander off seeking safety in the staff room, eh no.

Do I step to the side (because I can) and deftly remove the little joy stick that he uses to control his chair leaving him stranded in the middle of the hall and then wander off seeking safety etc etc.......... after leaving his joy stick safely out of reach on the table in front of him.... yep.....


Fortunately because of the noise he was making he wasn't there to long.

That said length is all relative as they say........ (it's been a while since I've seen a length joke)...

I later denied it all and put it down to the fact he was jealous...

I'm just glad they didn't have CCTV at the time
(Dark Matter All The Wonders In The World & We Invent Boredom, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 14:56, Reply)

Even the guys in the bible are in hell
www.cracked.com/article_15699_9-most-badass-bible-verses.html

^ Worth a read.
(ShitBitch, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 14:55, 2 replies)

I'm not proud of this.
In fact, it makes me feel ashamed and unspeakably guilty to remember this.
Some years ago I used to "run with a bad crowd", as the phrase goes.
One of the gentlemen that I spent a lot of time with was a local drug dealer called John.

He was a vicious, violent and angry man, and would have been pretty dangerous if it wasn't for the fact that he was about 4'9, and skinny as a starving python.
I'm afraid to say that I was quite often the instrument of John's retribution, a fact that I'm not particularly proud of.

One night I got a call from him.
"Kaol, get your arse outside, we've got to pay someone a visit."

So, like the fool I was, I got my boots on and went outside to where he was waiting in the car.

"Some cunt called Matt owes me money. I've got his address. Gonna scare the shit out of him."
And off we drove...

We pulled up outside the house, walked up the path and rang the bell.

A young-ish man answered the door, and after a few minutes of questioning, and the subsequent checking of his driving licence, we established three things.
1) This wasn't Matt.
2) I was going to Hell.
3) We'd scared the shit out of some poor guy

We left quickly.

I feel terrible about the situation to this day.
( Cawl, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 14:47, 15 replies)

turns out it wasnt worth it after all
today I get to go to work in woolworths to find out exactly how long I have before we close. The past few weeks have been bad enough in there with people convinced they know more about our current affairs than we do purely because "it said on gmtv this morning that all the stores are closing!", well if it was on gmtv it must be true then.

I can live with the fact that we could all be out of a job leading up to christmas, its the customers who i have trouble with, some choice comments from the past week:

"it says 50% off EVERYTHING so why is there only 10% off ps3's!"
"it doesnt say 50% off everything, it says UP TO 50% off"
"then it should say that on the posters!"
"it does"
"then it should be bigger"
"the posters six foot tall how big do you need it"


"so when is it you all close?"
"we dont know yet"
"what do you mean you dont know!"
"some stores are closing before others"
"no wonder all of them are closing when the staff give you so much cheek!" (walks away angry leaving me stunned and confused)


"could you not knock off another 10% off these clothes, not like its gonna make much difference now is it!"
"we cant, the discounts come off automatically"
"where is the manager and I can ask him then?"


I have never been a huge fan of woolworths as an employer but i essentially get paid have a laugh with some of my best friends and hope my next job is half as amusing.

plus nothing is funnier than seeing people buy pick n mix, you honestly dont want to know some of the things we find in the bags.
(rocknroll_pirate had a dream involving holly willoughby and custard, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 14:43, 7 replies)

Hell?
Isn't that the place where you are persecuted day and night by a dark overlord?

Told what to do and say and punished if you don't obey?

If you try to do anything that could be classed, even remotely, as good you are punished further?

Those souls that do bad things are praised and given better living accomodation and treated well by self-same overlord?

It's over-populated with various n'er do wells from all walks of life and getting fuller all the time.

Going to hell? We're all already there.
( Lazlo Woodbine Panowie!, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 14:42, Reply)

I flushed
a spider down the loo!
(Waspard has your wank bank account details, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 14:36, 2 replies)

Holy dog poo
Last year, I went to visit my sister who lives in the middle of a small town in Devon. I took my dog with me who is normally very well house trained and can hold it in for hours.

Whilst we were in my sister's flat, Molly (the dog) started looking very restless and whimpering a bit so I thought that she must need a wee.

As my sister lives in a 1st floor flat, in the middle of the town, there was a distinct lack of grass around and Molly is very particular where she goes to the loo and will only ever do it on grass (don't ask me why).

Just over the road from my sister's flat is a church with a very grassy grave yard around it. I thought that God wouldn't mind her doing a cheeky wee on hallowed ground.

As soon as I got her on the path (leading up to the door of the church) Molly squatted and did the biggest, most smelly, evil and runny poo I have ever seen. It just kept on coming and coming and was almost bigger than her. I don't think that bones she had eaten the night before agreed with her.

Just at that very moment, the door of the church opened and a bride and groom exited followed by the the rest of their wedding party, heading straight for the huge steaming pile that Molly had just finished building.

She hadn't even finished properly but I knew that it was time to leave before I was smited or at least beaten up by the groom so I dragged her out of the gate, still in poo position and scuttled off down the road, feeling very guilty.

Now, I'm normally very diligent when it comes to picking up after her. However, this poo was so big and runny I would have stood no chance with my little poo bag. It would have required a shovel and dustbin bag at least.

So, if you had your wedding in a nice little church in Devon last year and it was ruined by some lout letting his dog do a massive, evil poo in front of you, sorry, I really didn't mean for that to happen.

Ticket, one way please.
(Tom Jones's Mojo Hasn't had any since, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 14:25, 4 replies)

I've been to Hell
Fortunately they have regular ferries to Zebrugge, so I wasn't there long.







What?
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 12 Dec 2008, 14:23, Reply)

Hell
o
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 14:21, Reply)

Heaven for climate
Hell for company.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 12 Dec 2008, 14:14, Reply)

Ruined a marriage
... and not in the proper way.

My cousin was engaged to a nice lad called Mal. One day, I told him that his wife to be, had exactly the same birthmark as me. Its true, its identical, in shape, size, colour and location. Unfortunately its on mine (and her) arse. Its quite obvious.

My exact words to him, albeit slightly slurred, were: "Next time youre, you know, doggy style. Think of me and pretend its my arse".

I got the call 2 weeks later from a very upset cousin telling me that he'd ended the relationship, and one of the reasons is that he couldnt forget what I said.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 14:13, 3 replies)

I don't think this will get me into hell
but I am taking a certain evil glee at the current predicament of the girls in my office.

3 of them have, seperately, got tickets for Hamlet for the sole reason that they wanted to see David Tennant.

Now he is out until after Christmas, they don't want them but can't sell them.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 14:10, 1 reply)

My kids often tell me I'm hell bound.
I told them about Joey Deacon and they laughed but said I was going to hell.

I told them what a flid is and they laughed but said I was going to hell.

I showed them that zipper pull that I photographed for the DIY question and showed them why it was funny and they laughed but said I was going to hell.

I'm seeing a pattern here.

It's all YOUR fault that I'm going to hell.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 12 Dec 2008, 14:09, 5 replies)

Why?
Because I'm an unrepentant B3tan...
( HairyTwatter certified eel and sodium salesman, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 14:09, Reply)

I was already there half a year ago
Clydebank. It wasn't very nice.

Reason?

Was walking home, and decided to go through our busy shopping centre.

From 100 metres away I saw an old granny figure go half-way up an escalator and then falling backwards.

I wondered why she hadn't begun to ride back up the steps at about 50 metres.

At 20 metres I saw why:- her hair had become stuck in the handrail and was tugging at her.

At 10 metres I noticed her old lady hand was broken in quite a spectacular way, as was compounded by her terrified old lady shrieks.

At 3 metres I walked around, and used the stairs instead.

At no point throughout this did anyone press the stop button.

Throughout the entirety of this I had a repressed smile on my face and a titter laugh under my breath.

I really can be such an evil big sod.
(DeactivateThisDisaster No., Fri 12 Dec 2008, 14:06, 6 replies)

Hell's just life with better heating!

( riverghost servicing your mum since, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 13:58, 1 reply)

Just remembered this one
Scaryduck's post here:

http://www.b3ta.com/questions/hell/post326923

Has reminded me of this one, courtesy of my friend A, a somewhat indelicate sort.

Imagine you happen to be walking through town on a Sunday morning, on a route that take you past a well-attended church with (this is important) big, glass doors.

Now imagine that two things happen.

1. You stub your toe rather painfully on the curb, just outside the church doors.

2. You forget where you are standing when this happens.



Now you're probably thinking that he swore very, very loudly. And you'd be right. As such, it was doubly unfortunate for him that it wasn't the congregation that he saw when he looked up at the horrified gasp. Oh no. It was the local Sunday school.

He claims that the sight of 30 or so children quietly mouthing the word 'fuck' to themselves, watched by a horrified vicar, prompted him to run faster than he ever had before.

It prompted me to laugh like a loon though, so all's well that ends well...
( MatJ LOOK, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 13:54, Reply)

For being naughty or for not adhering to God?
I am pretty sure I’m going to hell. And if you get sent to hell for being naughty like I’ve been then it will be fun because I’ve had fun doing these things.

In God’s own house I lied. I believe you have to be baptised to be a godparent. So by going into His house and lying to become a Godfather, then that’s one for starters.

Asking my Catholic ex why she does that funny dance before making wishes every time she’s in a church, while chortling. Cheating on said Catholic ex who’s mates with God would also help get me there.

Then constantly lying and cheating to girls throughout my life just to get into bed with them. And then dumping them. Dumping the Virgin the day after she allowed me to take her virginity because she wasn’t very good may help too.

I could go on. But it’ll probably be for stealing a pound coin from my mum’s purse when I was five because that’s what she told me would happen after I did it. Arse.
(CornishStanley can't post hyperlinks, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 13:40, Reply)