Pearost
Oh my God I just got it!! And I though that I was above average when it came to my IQ!!
(Roxy_Bees, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 16:02, Reply)

pearoast
eh?
I feel such a fool but I have no clue about words such as Chesty mentions a few bits (I was goignt o write a few posts below but I'm not even sure thats the right word) below!

help me...
(mckitkat, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 15:58, Reply)

I don't get
Joggers.

that is all.
(jennymnemonic, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 15:56, Reply)

Swinging the lead / have feet of clay / grasp the nettle???
and other such phrases like this. I used to feign a knowing smile and try not to look perplexed; I bought a book that explains them all though I still don't see why being up a gum tree should necessarily mean you are in great difficulties.
(monaxle Ban the Mindreaders, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 15:53, Reply)

Courtesy either Douglas Adams or Terry Pratchet (in one of those sci fi books he did)
Aged about 9, I read this (paraphrased), which still has me nicely stumped in a particularly pleasing way:

1) The universe is infinite. If it's infinite, it must contain infinite possibilities (planets made of glue populated by intelligent blancmanges that speak Dutch etc).

2) This means that at one point, the universe cannot exist - because that is one of the infinite possibilities. But if there is a point where the universe doesn't exist, the universe isn't infinite.

3) But if the universe isn't infinite, the point where it stops existing must be nothingness. But this nothingness cannot be quantifiable in any way, shape or form, for it it had any kind of measurable space or time, that would mean it was simply emptiness.

If the nothingness beyone the universe is not quantifiable in space or time, it does not exist, which means that the universe must be infinite - which takes you back to step 2).

Equally, this means that the universe must have always existed, which wipes out the necessity for God quite nicely (even though if the universe is infinite, one of the infinite possibilities which must exist at some point in the universe for the universe to be truly infinite is that there is a supreme being who created the universe - just as for the universe to be truly infinite there must be a point where there is no God...)

Anyone still with me?
( TV's Nosemonkey, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 15:51, Reply)

Tax IS taxing
I don't get but am legally obliged to go along with self-assessment. Politeness doesn't even come into it.
Every year I have to phone the bloodyfucking Revenue sobbing: 'How can I owe you that? It's more than I earned' only to find once again I'd ticked some box that I didn't even know existed.
Oo it makes me gibber - every time we see the first episode of Black Books where Bernard tries to avoid doing his tax return Mrs Bacon points at me and cackles: 'That's you, that is.' God damn the tax man, say I. That's done it. Angry now. Need BEER.
(Chris P Bacon, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 15:47, Reply)

The Southern Comfort joke....
...where three black American women from the deep south are discussing their husbands, and they have names for them like "Big Dick" and "Horse", which, unsubtlely, relate to their physical characteristics. The third woman's husband turns out to be nicknamed "Southern Comfort". One of the other women asks, "Ain't that some kinda fancy liquor?", to which she replies "Sure is!!"

I was told that when I was about 15, and it took me at least 10 years before I cottoned on to the liquor/licker thing.

Must have been an innocent lad in them days.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 15:47, Reply)

K2k6
i wasn't ready for that one yet, but you have forced me to come out.

I have a degree in history of art and i get bored in art galleries and i don't understand what most modern art us supposed to 'do' for me.

but i blame it on the teaching staff...
(chesty, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 15:46, Reply)

So Frickin many thing I dont get
Hollyoaks and American hybrids - When did anyone think "hmmm I want to hear more about self absorbed vacuous teenagers"

Princess Diana - am I the only one who thought she was a coniving bitch?

Micheal Howard - He is a racist and bigot, who votes for people like him?

Spending £60k+ on a car - how small does your cock have to be?

Wine - Waste of time - and tastes of nothing or vinegar

What is now known as R&B - it is neither Rhythm or Blues - or does it stand for Rubbish & Bland?

The matrix films - utter shite

Adults who read Harry Potter - Read a decent book A-Hole

Real life/fly on the wall TV - When did real life become so interesting - I know it is cheaper than drama but it is also shitter.

People who think buying a national football shirt makes you a patriot - no it makes you a t0sser.

Pop Idol - who watches this sh1t?

Celebrity - Why do people care if Charlotte Church is drunk or Robbie Williams is gay?

Fox Hunting - How can all those people not see that killing animals for fun is sick? Ditto the Fur trade.

Celine Dion

Anti Europeans - Isnt less than 1% of our public expenditure a small price to pay for making sure we dont go to war with each other. and pay for roads and hospitals in our holiday destinations.

The fact I have to pay 30% of my "wages" to the govt and Shell (and others) make a profit of £10bn and pay fvck all.

Beards
(Taco Tickler, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 15:41, Reply)

Uncle Garfunkel...I sympathise!
Bloody general public. I don't understand how so many people can be so stupid. They moo around the supermarke putting in random items and then dump them all on the till WITH NO DIVIDERSand get arsey if you put their pink and whites through as someone else's shopping. The little barriers are there to be used, asshat.
( spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 15:38, Reply)

Modern art
Sorry, I can not see any merit in something which looks like a small child could have painted.

There's a comtemporary arts centre opened near here a couple of years back, and my mate and I were walking by it one day just after it opened and decided to go in to have a look.

On the walls were these large glass panels, about maybe 8 feet square, and on each was a U shape painted in a couple of different colours. It looked like the painting had been done by banging a nail through the bottom of the paint tin and letting it dribble out. Anyway, I thought that seeing as the centre had just opened, these were placeholders put up until the proper art was commissioned.

Then I saw little cards on each one, saying who the artist was, and what sort of paint it was, or some crap like that. These glass thingies were actually meant to be the exhibit!

OK, I'm a scientist, but even I can appreciate a decent painting that looks something like what it's supposed to represent. This was just bloody nonsense.

WTF?

Apologies for dimensional excess.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 15:38, Reply)

...djs...clubs...
ok, I finally have to admit that I have no blinking idea what 'clubbing' is about. The events section in today's paper looks like a foreign language to me(salsa lounge, feat djs spinky d and bongo, acid house vibes, dj hardpop, electro groove beats, djs spidy and effective)...

DOES ANYBODY EVEN KNOW WHO THESE PILLOCKS ARE AND CAN YOU REALLY CLAIM YOU LIKE WHAT THEY PLAY OR ARE YOU ALL PRETENDING?

also...

i should probably also admit that the whole watermelon, cranberry, moleste, pearoast (ok so i got that one now) thing went totally over my head. but again, i'm not sure i was the only one... come on, own up...

also...

i think there should be a lot of people here owning up to using apostrophes willy nilly without having a plucking clue what they are for...

please do not poke the donkey's

THE DONKEY'S WHAT FOR FUCK'S SAKE!

...makes me very angry. i feel like steptoe has taken over my soul.
(chesty, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 15:36, Reply)

Youth
I politely ignore them as they talk gibberish and end every sentence with 'man', the way they pretend to be 'Gangstas' and threaten each other by saying how they are going to turn their mom's into crack addicts and 'shag yer leg' (whatever THAT means).
I am perplexed by their graffitti, apparantley Baby Lips, MizUnderstood and The Turkey Posse travel on my bus to work.
I am aghast at their fashion choices; velour tracksuits in pink and pastel blue??
'Shitcatchers?'! Why pull normal trousers down below your arse to pretend it's 'prison fashion' not to wear a belt. You can buy baggy jeans now that fit like that without looking like you've pappered yer sen!
(robotrob, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 15:32, Reply)

walter
it's not obvious because you have a man's name, but anyhoo...

soccer is what yanks call football.
football is what yanks call american football.
rugby is neither of these two.

Offside in football:

If the player receiving the ball is closer to the goalie than any of the opposing team's players when his mate kicks it to him, he's offside.

And in case it wasn't obvious, I'm a girl too :o)

edit: and in case it also wasn't obvious, I use yanks in a friendly, not derogative way
( notshiny, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 15:32, Reply)

Again...
The popularity of Pot Noodle & brocolli.
( Iki I think my camel is dead., Fri 1 Apr 2005, 15:29, Reply)

Religion...
...or rather its popularity. I mean, if everyone who goes for that kind of thing took time out and thought about it all with a little clarity, surely they'd realise that but for a hanful of beneficial moral principles it's utter nonsense.

People can believe what they want, yeah, but it's just so implausible. I know science hasn't told us everything but what it has explained so far makes a lot more sense than anything in one of the assorted religious tomes.

EDIT - There was more to this, but it was a bit ranty and was getting too long - got rid.
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 15:28, Reply)

BBDO's poetry in motion post from a while back
The only thing I've truly never "got".
( Delete Me, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 15:18, Reply)

Okay,
These two have had me stumped for years. Now it may be because I constantly mishear what people are saying due to many years of aural abuse but if anyone can explain these to me I will love them...maybe even bumlove.

Right, number 1:-

Why do people say "It's cheap at half the price!" No fucking shit, Sherlock! Something along the line of "It's cheap at twice the price" would suggest that you're getting a steal, surely!?

Number 2:-

"Believe you me!" - What?
(Gomi No Sensei, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 15:15, Reply)

Just about every conversation on the board these days.
There seems to be a lot of stuff I've missed somewhere.
( heymister, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 15:11, Reply)

AMERICAN football for Dummies
Bunch of Big pansies wearing body-armour, helmets, Crotch guards and the like flouncing aoround a bit of grass, and knocking each other over (hoooHAAA).

There is a vast abundance of Bat Fastards out there too... and that's ok, because after they've waddled 10 meters, They can sit down and get a break while another team mate fills thier position.

Reality check... Rugby player in the UK: Zero Body armour, Hard tackling, and only on the guy who has the ball... (so rest assured, REAL rugby players specialise in selective abuse.)
PLUS.... the team is on the field.... no substituting, no 3 minute breaks everytime someone blows a whistle, no group hugs.. no knackers.

If a rugby player were to flounce over to teh sidelines and say "sorry chaps, I feel a bit worn out, I might just sit out for 4 minutes" he'd get lynched by his own team-mates.

Comparison based on the two sports....
Real rugby players: hard-running gents, with the ability to sustain a good pumelling on the field without needing tarty body-armour or little breaks.
Americans footballers: Lazy, unfit tarts who need body armour and 3 minute meetings to make sure all the thick eejits know what they're supposed to be doing next...

hmmm...

I guess the title should have read: "American football IS for Dummies"

Edit... And and and The Refferees in american football run around looking like little humbugs.... what's that all about?
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 1 Apr 2005, 15:08, Reply)

otocock and that nun joke
Me too!

And even when it was explained to me, it was all wrong.

'Where's the soap?' 'true, true' - see, its true, because she is wearing the soap. In her.

Some mate he was, eh?
(Daveh, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 15:08, Reply)

Eyebrows (and various other)
Cut them off, and they will simply grow back to their original length, then stop. How does they know? How does eyebrows know that they are long enough to stop growing?

Evolution. I get all the 'natural selection' stuff, but I'm sure it doesn't cover everything. Eyes, there's no way this could happen I don't reckon. How would the first eye have just 'come about' by genetic mutation or whatever? Its mental.

The universe. Is 'stuff' infinite, has it always been, or was their a 'start' - if so, how did something (and a shitload of it) come from nothing? Mad.
(Daveh, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 15:04, Reply)

What I don't get
is when anyone leaves me a voicemail they start with "Hi, it's me"... Of course it's f**ing you, but who the F*** are you??

and women, seinfeld, sex, little britain, goths, daily mail, etc, etc, etc of course
( dr_fonz, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 14:59, Reply)

Banks
All that 0%opr spread over three jimmys when sign your interest free credit over to another leading wha? I just don't know what it all means. ISA, 'childrens tax credit,' say these things to confuse me.

And I've been using computers since I was only wee, but I still have no idea how they work. At all. Even after an IT course.
(Daveh, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 14:59, Reply)

MOTOR WAYS
those bastards in the centre lane that pootle along at 55 'jsut to be safe' when all the other traffic is going about 80. then when you move into the left lane to overtake you get the german power division up your arse and flashing thier lights to move back in.
(Bored, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 14:58, Reply)

Nun of that....
For many of my formative years, I was truly unable to grasp WTF this joke was about:

Two nuns in a bath. One turns to other "Where's the soap". Other one replies "Yes it does, doesnt it."

It used to be told by the cool kids at school, so I'd titter away, but inside I'd be completely perplexed.

Its a sh1t3 joke anyway.
(octocock, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 14:58, Reply)

a list of things i really don't understand (but go along with)
1)google - i mean how on earth does it search and find so many results in such a quick time??? If i was looking for a filename on my computer which is only 160gb it would take longer.

2) (ok this isn't something i go along with but still something that i dont understand) ... Lorries overtaking each other when there are only two lanes available - one will go at 56mph, the other at 57. What the hell is the point??!

3) people saying music piracy is theft ...
-Reasoning-
Theft is only frowned upon because it deprives someone of something. Firstly, copying it does not deprive someone else of the change to listen to it. Secondly, the artist doesn't lose out because the chances are that I wouldn't have bought it anyway if the download wasn't available. Thirdly, it might actually encourage me to buy their album if i have downloaded one or two tracks from them.

4) Why people say 'same difference' - i mean what the hell does it actually mean?

5) OK and don't hate me for this one i just really don't get it - homeless people... All the spongers that i have ever encountered have managed to get houses / accomodation / beer and fag money from the government - what went wrong in the people's lives who are homeless that meant they couldn't get the same support from the council?

OK message / rant over. Don't hate me for my length.
(well its not going to suck itself yadda yadda yadda, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 14:57, Reply)

The Olympics
Why is it that the United States of Merca use the olympic theme tune as their national anthem? I don't get that at all.
( the wild elk Freeing excellence affects reality, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 14:47, Reply)