probably bindun but..
i once was some kid telling another one that he knew the icecreamvan had run out of icecream cos it was playing its music

(gets ready for the stoning)
(5lab, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 8:42, Reply)

Not really ignorance, more stupidity
More a brake in the brain to mouth cycle...
An intelligent, well educated and responsible friend of mine once wanted to catch a train from Manchester to see a mate down in Bristol. Not having a timetable handy he decided to ring the enquiry line. Between dialling the number and the phone being answered he seemed to loose his mind as he was overheard asking "Have you got any trains?”

I took a girl I had been trying to get together with for some months to see my parents, on walking in the kitchen he first observation to my mother was "I see you have one of those George Formby grills". It never did work out so at least the gene pool is safe for now.

Apologies for the length
(tufty the chav slayer, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 8:27, Reply)

babies
Herne Bay is a god forsaken place not renowned for producing Nobel prize winners. I delivered a baby to a 16 year old from there. Giving the baby to her, she said 'will today be my baby's birthday?'
snigger
(peelypotato, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 7:49, Reply)

people
People are dumber than anybody
(johndavid, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 7:21, Reply)

More tourist dumbness....
Ok, back to American tourists
Working in a hotel in New Zealand, i deal with a lot of them.

*Trains...
"So do we HAVE to catch the train from the railway station?" 'uhh.. where else R U gonna catch it from? K Mart?'

*All you can eat restaurant...
"Excuse me, are you going to take our order or what?" see that smorgasboard over there....?

*Looking at a map...
"So what's the main street called?" '...Main street' (Kiwi originallity!!)

*Wild Penguins...
"So you can only see them at the beach?" 'No, our Penguins fly..'

*Bed & Breakfast hotel
"What time's dinner?"

*Outside
"Now how do we get back out to the front?" '..Hmmm, try the front door (it's right behind you, its also the way you came in)'

*Telephones
"How do I use the phone in my room?" 'The same as a phone anywhere else, pick it up, press the buttons....'


There are many more dumb questions, but I can't remember them all
(up_and_down, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 5:08, Reply)

just remembered another one
Lajestic vantrashell of Lob, your post reminded me of something. Back in April of 2000 in my last year of high school, our school senior choir and band went over to England to perform in the Harrogate International Music Festival. We stayed there for 7 days then went up to Scotland for 3 days after for sight seeing and what not. As we approached the border our choir teacher (Mr. Tupper) jokingly said that the border is high tech and we'd just need to hold our passports to the window and it'd take our photograph. There were a few bemused chuckles, which then turned to pretty much a bus load of stifled laughter when the yank (an american who was up for that school year because of parents line of work) said quite audibly "uh oh, I left my passport in my luggage under the bus". Oh yes, he turned red when we stopped and he saw it was a big rock with a fellow playing the bag pipes beside it.
(Cloven, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 4:59, Reply)

cooking
Whilst in cooking class, we had to do a taste test of some cookies. We had a plate separated into 8 sections, which we had to letter A-H. The girl next to me raises her hand, and says "My plate has an extra spot!" I look down and informed her she has forgotten the existence of the letter g.
Edit: Frequently, after I state I am a vegetarian, there is a series of questions along the lines of "Do you eat chicken?" "No." "Seafood?" "No." "Not even shellfish?" "No. Vegetarian. Are any of those vegetables?" "...Oh."
(Luna loves you., Sun 9 Jan 2005, 4:17, Reply)

Concrete
I was eating my lunch and a couple started to sit down near me on a concrete slab at the border of the lunch area.
"Don't sit there!" the man urgently warned the woman.
"Oh thanks," she said, and checked her erstwhile seat for bird poo or whatever, finding none. "Um, why not?"
"It's concrete!" the man replied, looking at her like she was stupid.
"So?"
"Concrete dehydrates you! Haven't you ever seen how there's puddles on it after rain, but it sucks them up? If you sit there too long it'll kill you by absorbing all the water in your body out of your butt."
"Oh my God!" She clutched her hand to her mouth, horrified. "I've been sitting on concrete all my life!"
(clohman, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 4:11, Reply)

whilst out DJing last night
at a club called TranceJunction (bit of a giveaway in the name alone)

her: are you going to be playing any RnB?
me: errrr... no this is a hard trance event
her: oh go on please play some
me: do your ears not work? can you not hear what is coming out of the speakers?
her: just one or maybe two tunes...
me: lady, you are soooo in the wrong place

she wanders off leaving me shaking my head in total disbelief.

even better was a few years ago back in England, playing the hard stuff again and i'm getting requests from some chick for Abba and Queen.

why do they let these people breed :(
(squirrelysquirrel, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 3:55, Reply)

Why Don't Slot Machines Yield More Jackpots?
For every slot machine on the casino floor, there is a doppelganger machine hidden above the ceiling, manned by a casino employee, whose job is to fight your crafty spins and keep you from becoming a millionaire (so says a friend, and I believe her).
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 2:27, Reply)

Ok
The Blue Whale is the biggest fish in the world.
(Monocromatico Lady Godiva's horse, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 2:10, Reply)

More american stupidity.
While on Xbox live, playing Halo 2, i hear this american (sounded mature-ish, so no excuse).

He was cursing at another english person in the game.

"You fucking british fuckers. you're all shits" (or something to that effect)

I'd been talking to this american in game for a bit beforehand, so i said

ME: "you do realise that I'M from England?"

YANK: "so?"

ME: "So you're insulting me too"

YANK: "Why am i? i was insulting the British"

ME: "Yes, and i'm british"

YANK: "I thought you said you were from England?"

The poor bastard thought they were 2 completely different countries.
( Snorty McBumhole YouTube.com/MinistryOfGeeks, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 2:01, Reply)

home economics gcse
we all had to produce two versions of the same recipe, changing one ingredient and then comparing them. one guy wandered around telling anyone who listened that he was going to change a chicken's egg for a goat's egg. it took us three goes to explain to him why that would be very difficult...
(crayongirl, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 1:47, Reply)

This evening on the train
I heard some pissed Celtic fans discussing whether or not they would take a ticket in the Rangers end at an Old Firm game rather than not see the game at all. The general feeling was no, they would not. This was summed up by one poet who said " I'd rather catch AIDS off Woody Allen than sit at the Rangers end"
Why Woody? I dunno - however, it's now my new catchphrase
(Jesus, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 1:44, Reply)

National Youth Science Forum
I attended the pre Rio Tinto NYSF mixer/social in my senior year - geeky kids, talking science/careers and the upcoming science forum.
The room was quiet, i approached the group and commented: 'it's like someone has died..' silence followed, one of the group pulled me aside and explained that a rather bright girl set to do our orientation (who had attended the last year's forum) was killed in a car accident the day before. bollocks.
(eestison, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 1:42, Reply)

John, Paul, Ringo, and that other guy.
at one point in time i was producing an album for a friend of mine. he's a nice enough guy, but the sort who would own a White Stripes album because it sounds "so retro", then not have anything in his collection pre-dating 1996. i, on the other hand, am a classic rock dj and i know and love that stuff. anyway, any attempt to give Mister Top 40 a musical education thus far has been met with closed-minded proclamations like "I HATE the Rolling Stones!" or "Neil Young has no talent.".

at any rate, one day he was playing a new guitar riff for me. i was digging it, and said "Hey, that's pretty good! would you be offended if i told you it sounded really George Harrison?"

"Nah," was his reply. "I don't even know who that is".

he was dead-serious, folks. i think my brain made an audible fizzling sound right then and there...
(raggedy anarchist, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 1:03, Reply)

stupid
"Don't eat that you'll be as sick as a dog" overheard, as said by neighbour who lived alone with her pet poodle
(alwaysallways, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 0:50, Reply)

Dumfermline bus station neds/chavs -Barry Subchimp
Having worked in this town this strikes me as one of the more educated neds expressing his feelings. I especially like "an' lick yur fanny" Class. Worthy of Shakespeare.
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 0:25, Reply)

Stoopid Tourists
When I worked for Waterstones I was once asked for any local history books on "Ire-Land" by this female,middle aged american tourist.
"We dont have any" I replied
"Why not?"
"This is Edinburgh, not Ireland"
"I didn't say Island. I said Ire-land"
"I know, however you may find something in the european history section on the first floor" I said pointing to the escalator.
"You mean the 2nd floor?"
"Upstairs" I say with the falsest smile I could muster.
Ignorant bastards like that shouldn't be allowed to leave their country. These are the people who "video-ed" the castle from Princes St. Why? It doesnt fucking move, why video tape it. They also thought the Highlands were the more elevated bits of town. How did these people reach adulthood without being killed through their own stupidity?
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 0:04, Reply)

but
at least I have a glass of whiskey on the go, and the only reason I'm in is due to insane gales and imminent tile-death for all who venture outside.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Sun 9 Jan 2005, 0:00, Reply)

How pathetic are we?
It's 1:00am here, and I'm sat at a computer.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Sat 8 Jan 2005, 23:59, Reply)

Theres a bloke in my maths class
who's apparently top of the year in maths, after my smart-arse self. We happen to be in England.

I was having a conversation with him.

"I've just been on holiday to scotland", says I.

What is his reply? "What the fuck? How did you get into Scotland?! You haven't got a passport!"
(Lajestic vantrashell of Lob, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 23:55, Reply)

Mancunian cousin
Well, she is from Crewe but anyway I digress.

She has decided to follw the career path of becoming a flight attendant. Her sister, thankfully, isn't as embarassing and is actually getting a good degree. I went to visit the clever one as I havent seen her for ages and it was only down the road in Sunderland.

Now the flight attendant cousin came to visit the same day. We all went to the pub having a nice catch up when she comes out with

"Have you seen that program on telly? they've gone to the moon again and gone to loads of other places near it too!"

I was stunned, after a long and arduous conversation, to discover that she had been watching that voyage to the planets thing on the BBC. I banged my head on the wall repeatedly, all the while with her asking what I was doing it for.
(Super Oaf Petit filous?, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 23:52, Reply)

"Sweden has no army"
This is a statment made during a press conference on TV by the President of the United states of America. MR G.W Brainless Himself.

It was suggested to him that 'maybe' he meant that the Swiss had no army. He crushed his only escape option with, "NO... Its Sweden that Has no army".

This was plastered all over EVERY swedish newspaper, and copies went through every office like wildfire.

Not surprising really, as around 40% of the population here have done at least a year's military service....
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Sat 8 Jan 2005, 23:50, Reply)

Cooking up trouble.
When I was a kid we had an electric cooker, and when I heard about people killing themselves by 'putting their heads in the oven' I thought they cooked themselves to death.

I also didn't know what bondage was until I was 14.

And I thought that an overhead cam was literally a device that went along th ceiling of a car. And to think now I'm an engineer.
(Freef, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 23:44, Reply)

I live in Schveeden
how many times have I started with that line eh? I mean Really.. you must all be bored.

Anyway. I tend to hang around on my bike, or chill with a book near a big fountain in the middle of town etc... I'm usually outisde.

This puts me in line of (friendly) fire of... Tourists.

1.
Tourist (T): "HEY BUDDY!!! Where can I get one of those special army knives?"
Me (M): which ones?
T: The ones you make here!! I want to take one back as a souvenire
M: do you perhaps you mean the SWISS army knife? (dripping with obviousness)
T: Yeah, that's the one.
M: sure, there's an outlet store that way. (pointing south)
T: How far?
M: keep going 'til you pass Germany.
T: Great, Thanks!!! (strolls off towards the rest of europe).

2.
Tourist to Wife.... "but Where are all the polar bears?"
(We're no further north than Newcastle)

3.
Tourist in supermarket talking to wife...
"They're famous for it world-wide, but I can't find it anywhere!!"
He then asks a shop assistant where he can get "Swiss Cheese". She was around 50, and didn't understand English.... After he'd tried twice more, (raising the volume each time) I had to step in and translate. She laughed her ass off. He indignantly aksed for an explanation.
Me: Swiss cheese is made in Switzerland. You're in Sweden.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Sat 8 Jan 2005, 23:39, Reply)

Overheard in Cincinatti Zoo...
In the extinct and endangered creatures exhibit:

Girl: Oh my god! Not only is this bird extinct, it's dead too!

Disturbingly she appeared to be part of a college group.
(KelBardi is somewhat bemused, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 23:24, Reply)

government helpline...
From friend who works in the tax office.. NOT ripped from TechTales like so many seem to be.

**********************************

I do internet support for people trying to submit government forms online. Ususally only the highly educated, and high-earners require these forms. One woman was having trouble, I phone her up:

Me: OK first of all you need to go to the {dept name removed as it's boring} website.

Her: "Do I need my PC switched on for that?"

She is a doctor... Is she yours?
Be Afraid. Be Very afaid.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Sat 8 Jan 2005, 23:19, Reply)

Ho Ho Ho
"...that looks like a Jewish christmas tree if you ask me"

Yes.

Read that again.
(Tom64, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 23:17, Reply)

In America...
(I fear a few might start with that, but this is absolutely true so no apologies)
I was sat next to an American lady on a train who asked me where I was from. I replied England and she responded, "That's sweet, what language do they speak there?". Excuse me says I thinking I must be mistaken but no, she repeats it 100% seriously. Surely nobody can beat that?
(isaac, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 23:16, Reply)