America only exports its second-tier idiots - we keep the best for ourselves
Not exactly overheard when it is aimed right at one's own self, but...

Went for an interview with an unnamed coffee company (rhymes with unfiltered Starwatermelons), asked the usual "what can you offer this company" crap.

Attempted to say something about my intelligence and level-headedness, when the interviewer, quite seriously, said "That doesn't really count for much, does it? I mean, I'm not smart, and look how far I've gotten!"

He would have been my boss. I didn't take the job.
(meatybrain, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 2:22, Reply)

No contest
Speaking as an American, we have Jerry Falwell, Bill O'Reilly, Ken Starr, George Bush, Anna Nicole Smith, the KKK, Britney Spears, Jack Chick, Ashlee Simpson, Ben Affleck, Strong Thurmond, Ann Coulter, Carrot Top, soccer moms, emo music, hillbillies, Christian fundamentalists, Harry Potter book burnings, anime fangirls, and the Bible Belt. We think french fries are French, homosexuality is a choice, Jesus is white, common sense should be punishable by death, the Civil War was only about freeing the slaves, WW2 was only about freeing the Jews, Janet Jackson is offensive for having boobs, and the English are "tea-sipping pansies".

Any attempts to prove ignorance exists in Britain (aside from chavs) will be useless. We already have you beat.
(DeadCats, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 1:52, Reply)

to respond
to the Mcdonalds comment below, I used to work at a McD's, and the reason all the poor kids ask "do you mean -official name of item-" is because 99% of the time, inbred fat fucks come through, saying "yeh, can I git a burger with the drink, and no stuff, with extra green things....*belch*"
and if they ask for a chocolate flurry, they could mean any number of things, and the one time that you assume that they mean the obvious thing, and don't ask, they didn't mean that, and instead are fucking retarded and apparently use random adjectives to describe what they want.
So when a McD's employee asks what you want, just take pride in the fact that you are in the 1% who isn't an idiot, and remember that 99% of the time, their query is justified.

phew.
(kaibosh, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 1:36, Reply)

Americans don't have a monopoly...
...on stupidity.

On a trip to France I began a conversation with an English family, and remarked that I attend Virginia Tech university. The wife's reply: "Oh, that's in Massachusetts, isn't it?"
(FleetlordVT, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 1:04, Reply)

Maths according to Staples
Just before chrimbo I went in to get something laminated. Cost: 80p. So I'm there, and I give the guy at the till a £2 coin. He rings up £20 and starts to count out £19.20 in change.

Being a law abiding citizen, I asked him "Erm, are you sure you're giving me the right change?"

To which he got right snotty. "Yes!" He snapped, pointing to where it said £20 (that he'd rung up by mistake. "It says so there!"

Far be it for me to contradict the mighty Staples computer. I shrugged, pocketed my £19.20 change from £2 and left the store.

What a tit. I hope he had to pay the remainder from his own pocket.
(Snitter the Rat, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 0:57, Reply)

mcdonalds
styxx reminded me of something that really really annoys me on a background level:

If i'm in Mcdonalds and want a 'mcflurry' i tend to say "could i have a flurry with chocolate in please" (i dislike saying mc'; a personal flaw i'm sure)

they ALWAYS reply: "do you mean 'dairy milk'"

of couse i fcuking mean dairy milk;
the other choices are crunchie, m+m's or something else odd like that, not "pieces of chocolate"!!

insane

anyway, get back to your mcjobs people..

(btw, try it for yourself kids, its true i say: ask for a chocolate mcflurry: same answer every time)


mcwankers
(ianfidel, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 0:44, Reply)

In RE class
Teacher "Today we're going to be discussing euthanasia"

Chav "Why can't we talk about youth in this country?"
(Mosefish // Am loon, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 0:34, Reply)

Horsie!
"Still a pony and it's 30 years old? Why hasn't it turned into a full grown horse yet?"

I kid you not.

And: Stevenage? North East? Blimmin eck.

Ah! I was slightly confused, then. But that makes sense now.
( gone, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 0:27, Reply)

My mother
Mum "The wheel trims on my car are upside down"
Me "How do you mean?"
Mum "The nissan sign is facing down"

When hearing that her friends car had been broken in to:

Mums Friend "...They didn't take much, just some of my tapes and some books i had on the back seat. Although strangely they left the money"

Mum "you mean they paid for the stuff they took?"
---
A little different but... A friend of mine was commenting on his aches and pains after playing football:
Friend "i have the back of a 60 year old"
Me (half listening) "you have to bath a 60 year old? why?"
(Mosefish // Am loon, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 0:24, Reply)

Ha!
That one about Chicago just reminded me of another.

Me and a friend were in a video game shop and he was talking to the shop attendant while I just stood around looking bored. They were talking about True Crime: Streets of LA which had just come out on PS2.

As I stood there staring into space I heard my friend ask the bloke if he knows what country it is set in. Of course the dozy twonk in the shop said he didn't know. I had to butt in at this point;

Me: Well presumably it's America...

They both just looked at me thoughtfully, shrugged and said "yeah, probably."

Me: No, not probably - it's called Streets of LA!

Them: Ooooooh yeah! Duh!

My friend says a hell of a lot of stupid things so I'll probably be back here tomorrow after college!
(Mr Slippyfist, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 0:13, Reply)

Americans......again
This is what happened to a friend of mine when he was waiting for a train.

American (to my friend): Bloody Limies, why do your trains never run on time?

My friend (quick as a flash): Bloody Yankies, why do you always blow things up? I dont run South-West fucking trians!
(Willis86, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 0:03, Reply)

Southeners
My sister lives in Stevenage and works in Harpenden. Whenever anyone asks her where she's from she replies 'I'm from The North East' to which they reply 'Oh yeah, Nottingham'

Pillocks

edit: I don't mean she says that stevenage is in the North East, she's just originally from the North East
( Roxy_Hart is so so old, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 23:32, Reply)

overheard on a bus....
......two ned (chav) girls talking about Walking with Dinosaurs, when one of them pipes up, "aye, it was amazin', but how did they manage to film all those dinosuars and not get trampled?"

God how i rued the fact that i'd forgotten my mini-disc player that day...........
(Foxy McClumpha, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 23:29, Reply)

my sister once asked where we keep the ice cubes.
yes,,, my answer was the freezer.
(Ash_Pow is now available in extra medium, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 23:16, Reply)

Following an hour-long school lesson of poking and provoking a fellow schoolchum, he shouted at me
"Were you born childish!?"
( ma0sm, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 23:13, Reply)

I used to work for directory enquiries....
.....and I swear if you don't believe that the majority of the British public are thick, spend a day listening to these cretins. I could honestly fill a book with the amount of nuggets i've encountered but this one is my all time fave....

Me - Which name please?
Him - Yeah, i need the number of the Caribbean embassy!
Me - Caller, the Caribbean is an ocean, not a country - it doesn't have an embassy.
Him - Oh......

Priceless! ( I hope i spelt Caribbean properly)
(Foxy McClumpha, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 22:41, Reply)

Not overheard but: It was around 1955...
...and a new friend of mine called Marty from 30 years in the future had to go back to 1885 to bring my future self from 1985 back to the future, anyway, upon seeing the Red Indians on the painted wall he was going to drive towards at 88mph he said:
"But I will crash straight into those Indians"

He was so ignorant that he wasn't thinking 4-dimentionally and didn't realise the Indians would not be there in 1885!
(trentsteel Student radio scum: www.ramair.co.uk, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 22:38, Reply)

turkeys
over christmas, in the covered marked in oxford
there were hundreds of fresh turkeys, geese and other assorted poultry hanging above the butcher's shop.
i work in a cafe nearby, and walking past the butchers i heard some american woman ask her friend: "oooh, are they real??"
-they had blood-filled plastic bags over their heads for f's sake!
( bookerina, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 22:30, Reply)

When i was a Beauty Therapy student
I shared my class with some of the thickest, dopiest people I have ever had the misfortune to spend time with.

Now part of the course you have to learn a hell of a lot about biology and also medical conditions (as they can contra-indicate treatments). The biology lessons held the most gems for stupidity:

Teacher: Where are new skin cells reproduced?
Dipshit Student: The eyeball!!!
Er...i think the answer you are looking for is 'stratum germinativum'.

Same girl almost cried in one IT lesson. On hearing that we would be learning about bench-marking she cried out 'But sir! I dont have a bench!!!'

I gave up beauty therapy about 3 days after finished college.
(Mogg Questioned her own sanity on, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 21:34, Reply)

Jerry Springer
I heard a group of ignorami complaining about 'Jerry Springer: The Opera' being screened on BBC because it used a few swear words.

Funny, they didn't complain about minor celebrities being forced to wade through shit, offal and old beer in order to give a small amount of profits to help the survivors of the world's worst natural disaster.

I can't help but think that sometimes our priorities are a bit off...
(tomshave, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 21:34, Reply)

Overheard in a posh Edinburgh restaurant
Waiter: And how would you like your steak Madam?
Young Woman: Oooh cooked!

You can't make this stuff up
(MyrtleTheTurtle, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 21:25, Reply)

Oh this is easy.....
PC world salesman to my mate:

You dont need a PCI card to fit USB 2 in an older machine.... It's just a different cable.

I could fill a few pages.........

But I wont.....
( TBL I posted this on, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 21:07, Reply)

Toronto
Studying in Toronto for a year. Finally decide to go up the CN Tower a week before I leave. Looking at the view, overhear old English couple talking about the Air Canada Centre, where hockey and basketball are played, which they could see (it has a big sign with a Maple Leaf and 'Air Canada Centre' on the roof).
Woman : "What's that?"
Man : "It must be where they store the planes."
The ACC's surrounded by roads and skyscrapers on all four sides....I was horribly ashamed of my country. Not knowing what it was I could understand, the gross stupidity of the statement nearly made me weep!
(insanityboy, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 21:06, Reply)

Ok
Thought this was worth mentioning. Gotta love Americans and stupidity. Infact the word stupidity should possibly be erradicated and replaced with the word "American"

gprime.net/audio/blondestar.php

Also, an ex of mine once heard Americans in McDonald's discussing the McFlurrys:
"Dairy Milk? What's that? It must be milk from the dairy! Let's all have milk from the dairy!"

Excuse me if I'm not supposed to put links here, someone tell me if I'm not, just thought it was worth a mention.
( Styxx hates when people talk in the third person, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 20:27, Reply)

Got another one....
On a trip to the cinema many months ago, i went to go see chicago with my girlfriend. at the end of the film she asked me "Where do you think that was based?"
(Live and Uncut, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 20:26, Reply)

Mums, girls and brothers
Sister: If Buzz Lightyear didn't realise he was a toy, how come he didn't talk to the humans?
Mum: Well, he had that helmet on.


Brother (after returning from shopping trip): Mum, your change...
Mum (confused): I am change?

Made herself cry with laughter by imagining a horse powered dishwasher. Because the horse would be 'walking around in circles in their kitchen.'

Funny thing is, in any quiz she beats the shit out of anyone else.

Also, a girl I used to know was very surprised one day to learn that cheese was made from cow's milk. She thought it came from chickens. Nearly got into Cambridge. The mind boggles.

Dad: If you had infinite monkeys working on infinite typewriters, then they'd eventually write Shakespeare.
Brother: No, they'd run out of food.

And he did get into Cambridge.
(tomshave, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 20:24, Reply)

yet another.
Every September my town has a farm festival to celebrate its founder, who came from Scotland. For the past five years I've volunteered there to dress in period clothing and give tours of the original farmhouse. Most of the questions I get are from small children, innocent ones like "where's the toilet?" but I've gotten my share of retarded questions:
woman- "So why aren't you all wearing kilts? I thought you were Scottish?"
-
me, start of tour- "Blue came from Aberdeen, Scotland, and built this farmhouse in 1825--"
man- "Scotland stole our name(town's named Aberdeen)?!"
me, rest of group- "..."
-
me- "In the early days, Aberdeen's main source of income was naval stores, especially turpentine.."
girl, about 17- "What kind of stuff did they sell at Turpentine?"
( trintrin has jam for blood, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 20:20, Reply)

Internet cafe lacky
I work in an internet cafe - so you can imagine what idiots come in, but some of the highlights :-

me - "...So, just click on the 'Start' button in the bottom left hand corner... No, left... left... There, that button... No, that's explorer shortcut... The button with start written on it! NO, THAT BUTTON" ad-inifinitum

Customer - "Hey, this international calling card isn't connecting me to Zimbarbway (or however the hell it's spelt)"
me - "OK, let me just have a look at the card... America first eh? well, it doesn't have Zimbarbway on the poster, I guess you have used it before though?"
Customer - "Well, I know that it doesn't connect NOW don't I? Give me a different one"
me - "...?"

Customer - "My computer is making weird noises, and it's not reading my floppy disk"
me - "OK, erm... You don't appear to have a floppy disk inserted..."
Customer - "YES I DO! DO YOU THINK I'M STUPID?! IT'S IN THE TRAY THINGY!"
me - "...!"

Customer - "How much is it for internet access?"
me - "50p every five minutes" (yes we are expensive)
Customer - "So, how much is it for half an hour?"
me - "er... £3 sir..."
Customer - "I see, what about 15 minutes?"
me - "..."
ad-infinitum

I hate my job...
(theylan, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 19:54, Reply)