reminded of this by post about Arnie's 'fake' accent...
On the radio, I hear someone singing "I've been contemplating suicide..."

and I think "Jesus, someone trying to be Nick Cave".

The song was 'Shivers', by the Boys Next Door, featuring the vocal stylings of Nick Cave. His first single, and at that time probably his best-known.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 4:55, Reply)

sounds too Noel Coward to be true, but actually is.
then-girlfriend: I'm sick of your pedanticness!
me: pedantry.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 4:49, Reply)

Oh
yeah. Was watching a movie with a friend at uni many years back. It opened on a small-town midwestern American street. A woman steps out from a shop doorway. My friend asks, "Who's she, then?".
(Wong Fei-Hung - now with added flickr.com (see profile), Wed 12 Jan 2005, 4:18, Reply)

One more before beddy byes...
Some years ago, i worked at a veterinary surgery. for some reason they trusted me to answer the phones...

One thing to explain, when vaccinating a dog for the first time it requires two injections TWO WEEKS APART. 99% of kennels ask that dogs are fully covered.

Cue lots of people ringing up the day before they go on holiday asking to have their dog vaccinated for the kennels and us trying to explain its impossible.

One time in particular, this woman told me it was racial discrimination on account of her DOG being black (WTF?!) and she was going to report us. I was trying to explain, then the nurse tried to explain, then the vet and still getting nowhere. Finally the phone was passed back to me to make an appointment for that afternoon. upon putting the phone own she called me a "fucking unhelpful cunt". Cue me dialling 1471 and her having prank calls for the rest off the month.

Apologies for length, i just kept writing........ah well.....night!
( SocialRobot, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 4:01, Reply)

couple more...
My friend Kiz had said something particulary stupid (can't remember what), to which my other friends reply was "Are you sure your not blonde and dye your hair?!"
Kiz: "My hair's brown"

Nameless friend: Have we had the millenium?
Me: Er...Yeh! (sarcasticly - not me having to think about it like a retard)
Nameless friend: What year was it?

I once went round to my neighbours to find her cursing the computer as it wouldn't turn on. It helps if you don't try to use the TV remote.
( SocialRobot, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 3:52, Reply)

I hate this sort of thing.
Ignorance is one of my least favorite things ever. When the Garden State soundtrack came out, I had a friend come up to me and utter these exact words:

"Dude! Have you heard of this band Simon & Garfunkel?? They totally rock to the max! I have no idea when their first cd comes out, but you can bet I'll be first in line to buy it!"

::shudder::
(crunch pow!, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 3:41, Reply)

damn kangaroos
i work for blueyonder technical support. i hate the general public because of it. usually, a majority of the calls i get are from scousers and geordies, which is rather unfortunate for those who dislike their accents. a lot of them i remember quite well...

scouser - 'i was on the pc earlier when it just turned off, i think your f**king modem turned it off'
me - 'why do you think our modem turned it off?'
scouser - 'ehm, it told the pc to turn off, cos it controls the pc like'
1 minute later, his power cable was plugged in firmly into the back of the pc.

one case, a scouser family was wound up because they had spyware ont heir pc, blaming us because we didn't tell them how to use their pc. and so, the swearing starts. it's nothing personal, but anyone else from across the UK, i don't care about their language: one little slip from a northener and it's their first warning (they have a tendancy for getting wound up over something so small). then the second warning, where i tell them that after their 3rd, because it's directed at me i'll put their account through to the abuse team. so, they calm down, and in the end their pc's become so fucked up that it needs a fresh install. they still blame us, and just before they put the phone down, her husband shouts "fucking wanker" fromt he other side of the room.

i checked back on their account a week later. permanently banned from using any telewest/ntl service for life.

i love hearing stupid people.


-------------------

one mroe thing i remember now. someone phoned up asking about setting up this wireless router from PC world: the member of staff there said that she can use her laptop anywhere she wants. so she phones up:-
"why won't my router work?"
"well how far are you from it?"
"dunno like"
*pause of about 15 seconds with muttering in the background*
"about 500 miles"

/bang
(happyhardcoregabbatechno, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 3:14, Reply)

duh
I'm Reading a passage about... william the conqueror or something...

*hand up*
Me: Miiiiiissss? What does 'mizzled' mean?
Teacher: Mizzled? What are you going on about
Me: Here, where it says william mizzled his troops...
Teacher: You mean mislead.
Me: Oh.
Entire Class: BWAHHAAHAHAH! Retard! MMMMMMnnngh!
Me: Fuck

...bugger
(Attention Whore



Don't feel bad Attention whore, I thought it was mizzled until after I was married and my hubby laughed his ass off at me. Odd...I just added this (about misled) as a comment in another British forum/blog today.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 2:55, Reply)

One from when I was a kid
I remembered after reading my little sister's journal. Now disclaimer - she's actually a bit of a freak genius.

She was jumping on her bed when my older sister pipes up:
"You should be careful or you'll split the atom." Hannah stops.
"What does that mean?"
"The atom is a really tiny thing that everything is made up of."
Feeling evil, I joined in at this point.
"If you split an atom there's this really big explosion and you'll die. You've got to walk lightly and not jump."
Hannah gets scared and ever so carefully goes down stairs to talk to mum. She comes back up a few minutes later.
"I know you're lying, mum told me you can't split the atom without a special machine."
Remembering an advertising campaign that was going at the time I replied, "Ah, but you can with a Nissan."
My mum still recants the tale of being begged by a distraught younger daughter not to drive a Nissan.
(Guineapiggy Fuzzeh!, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 2:53, Reply)

More American Shennanigans
A bloke I was talking to in a pub in Melbourne overheard an American tourist spout this gem is Rome:

I can't fricken believe it. I'm in the middle of Rome and I can't get a fricken Caesar Salad!

Woo! First post, etc.
(Pleiades, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 2:33, Reply)

Well...
I was doing some painting work with a mate of mine.
Another friend asked how much we were getting paid.
"Fifteen hundered apiece." says my mate.
"How many pieces are you doing?"

The same girl, bless her heart, thought that North was always in front of her.

We were discussing at work that the summer solstice was coming up.
"What's that?" asked a work-mate.
"It's the longest day of the year." says I.
"I bet I'm working on that day..." she replies.

Kinda overheard from bash.org :
"What's the street outside of Liverpool Street train station called?"
( I work in Brixton - save me, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 2:32, Reply)

2 of em
Ok,
On the way to school one day i hear these two 12 yearolds having a rousing discusion of if GodZilla reproduces Asexually or Sexually. Each would passionatly state his own side of the argument and as they could not come to a choice they agreed: "I'll see if my GodZilla toy looks like yours" thus confirming if reproduced A sexually or sexually.... Dumb

My Other one:
Normandy Beaches on holiday, in a van tour. Sitting next to dumb Yank. I could stop now, but i wont. Anyway, we pass a old Manor about 200 meters from the beach and our guide says "This Manor was built in the 18 hundreds" It had a wall around it and was all very nice. Then our yank friend says not more then 2 minutes after this. "So the Germans built this to defend the beach?"
Yes a total dumbarse. She said more for example a 40year old + woman having to ask the guide what 'high tide' was.

God there is no hope.
(Mkoll, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 2:15, Reply)

Que?
I recently met up with a friend in London for a day of annoying the populous and generally having fun. Inbetween locations we played a favorite game of ours, "Shashu" in which you go up to a member of the public, say, "Have you seen the shashu?" or "You dropped your shashu!" or something similar. If they look down you get a point and the first to fifty wins.
My friend went up to one particularly dim woman and said,
"Excuse me, miss."
"Yes?"
"Can I interest you in the shashu?" *Points down*
"I'm sorry, I don't speak German."

I'm teaching my grandad to use his PC and it's more than a little frustrating. Some of our most memorable conversations have been:

Hold in mind he has SEEN DDR as I actually got him to do upgrades with my supervision a few times

"I play it [UT2K4] for about half an hour fine but after that it goes all jumpy."
"Probably a memory leak."
*Sulking* "We should just throw it away, it's no good if it's leaking."

After several hundered attempts to explain to him that bugs, viruses and hardware failures are three wildly different things...

"I keep getting this blue screen and then it all turns off."
*I examine* "Looks like a serious hardware failure" (It was the PSU that went on to fry the innards)
"But I have a virus scanner!"

"The game dies after this point and I have to restart."
"Sounds like a bug with the game. I'll see if there's a patch."
"But I've got a virus scanner!"

"I can't get to my email."
*Inspects - network cable to router buggered* "Looks like this cable has been damaged."
"What good is my virus scanner if it can't prevent that?"

You get the idea.

A classic on my behalf:
My aunt (Chavette): "I'd like to change the national anthem to Jerusalem."
Me: "What does that have to do with England?"
(Gah, brain-in-gear-first, Chris!)
(Guineapiggy Fuzzeh!, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 2:10, Reply)

LIVESTRONG?
I met this 15 years old girl wearing a LIVESTRONG yellow wristband, so I asked her if she knew its meaning. She replied:
- Yes, it prevents cancer.
- Er...Really? what kind of cancer?
- Prostate...
I'm sure it must be working very good on her.
(Guso, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 1:31, Reply)

Bagel or bagel??
one day i was at the mall and i was sitting on a bench waiting for a friend when suddenlt i hear these 2 girls arguing ove if it was pronounced bagel or bagle ( yes they where fighting over the same pronounciation of bagel)
(PHcrashcam, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 1:30, Reply)

i'm not proud...
but i did happen to catch 'Richard and Judy' early one evening recently. They had some guest who was talking about evolution(no really!). Richard was attempting an in-depth discussion with the guest, when Judy pipes up with;
" 'course we all came from dinosaurs. "

keep quiet love, you'll only spoil it
(pinche chon, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 1:15, Reply)

Sockets and Newton...
Got home from uni one day to the usual 'do anything interesting?' conversation. One of my flatmates started telling me that a pin from her phone charger had fallen off (outside of the socket). She put the pin back in the socket, followed by the rest of the charger, then decided she wanted the pin out. Not only did she attempt to dislodge the pin with forks, but, after me going a little mad at her, she came out with "it's okay, next time i'll use Faye's forks, they've got plastic handles." (She is still alive, somehow.)

Same person, the subject of conversation got to Newton. She had no idea who he was, so after me and another flatmate trying to explain, she asked "but surely things fell down the way before that too??"

Also my mum, on being asked her birthweight... "I don't know... well, obviously I wasn't there at the time..."
(FunkyGibbon, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 1:09, Reply)

I think my art teacher lived in a cave.
One of my high school art teachers gave my class an assignment where we had to do a lino print portrait of someone we see as a 'hero'. We had to tell her who it was and have her okay it first, though.

So, me being a dork and a bit of a music nerd, wanted to do Freddy Mercury. Upon telling her this, she gave me the blankest look ever and said "who?"

"You know, Freddy Mercury? From Queen?"

"Who're 'Queen'?"

Yeah, that about covers it. And she's only 30, so I think she's been living in a cave her whole life.

I did, however, manage to convince her that Johnny Rotten was an upstanding young man. Got an A on my project that way.
(megomobile, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 0:49, Reply)

I'm tech support for PC World
So I could have a thread to myself here.

Best one of the last couple of weeks was an old lady calling a workmate to say she'd phoned her internet provider who told her that her computer was poorly and needed bed rest. If she left it 'asleep' (off) for 3 days it would get better.

Suffice to say it didn't...
( Sack Sack - Norfolks laziest, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 0:40, Reply)

Dolphins.
I honestly thought tuna was made out of dolphin *shame*

The 'dolphin friendly' on the tins only reaffirmed my idea, as i thought the dolphins were killed humanely... I became a laughing stock in my family when they found out I thought this.
I am doing a degree.
(Matt entices small rodents with cheese., Wed 12 Jan 2005, 0:36, Reply)

Merkins. In Lincoln
Lincolnshire is the FLATTEST place I've ever seen. It seems to only have one hill, and that's in Lincoln itself.

Upon climbing said hill, an American tourist pointed at a tower in the distance (say a couple of miles away) and asked me if it was the Telecom Tower (this being a few years ago - 'twould be the BT Tower now). I tried to explain that London was not terribly close and that this was, really, unlikely. But he wouldn't have it. Twunt.
(rob3rt, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 0:18, Reply)

Rear View Mirror
A friend once stated he never uses his rear view mirrors when he drives: he's interested only in where he's going, not where he's been.

Same fellow never used a lamp when bicycling at night. Cracked his skull on a similarly-clueless bicyclist coming from the other way.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 23:18, Reply)

Bloke on a train, on the phone to his other half
Him: 'Hi my love, where are we going to meet up'
Her: *Click*
Him: 'Hi my love, why d'you put the phone down on me? Where are we going to meet up?'
Her: *Click*
Him: (Getting cross)'Laura, why the f. do you keep putting the phone down on me.'
Her: *Click*

This continued for about ten minutes. (Message to man on the train. Maybe she was trying to send you some hidden coded message)
(wrongshui, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 22:52, Reply)

i was watching a movie
in class one day...and it was like some movie where everyplace but mexico freezes, and a one (dumass, farker) in my class was saying somthing like" yeah thier in the eye of the tornado now..." chuh cuz like he ment storm...and .....apples and berries to all of you
(Merlon, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 22:39, Reply)

During a game of trivial pursuit
My dad (a very intelligent man, civil engineer, builds dams, that kind of thing, terribly good at maths) got asked this question:

"How many grooves on a long playing record?*"

After much calculation he came up with the answer 54,348 ... ("12 inches wide rotating at 33rpm with an average groove density of ... why are you sniggering shut up where was I ... 33rpm at 22 minutes per side would be ... stop giggling you lot ...")

During the same game he also got asked "When Mrs. Thatcher stopped free school milk, what was she called?"
Dad: "Thatcher, Thatcher, ... oh what was it ... something snatcher. Thatcher, Thatcher, ... what was it..."
Us: Umbrella? Cabbage?

He still beat us by 4 or 5 cheeses.

*Note: this was 15 years ago, so I mean a proper LP, you know vinyl, 12 inches wide etc.
( shavedchimp something something oranges something, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 22:15, Reply)

When I first moved to the "big smoke"...
I thought the Halal Family must have been very rich, as they owned a lot of butchers.

Doh!
(Barry Dangerous, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 21:54, Reply)

BTCC
Watching touring cars, we sat in front of two half witted essex girls (no offence anyone). There were many remarks that I wish I could have recorded, one of my personal favourites was 'Aw, he's staying at the back, cos he doesn't want to bash up his car'!
Yeah, I'm sure that's why he was in last place, spending a fortune to race every season!

My boss has her moments, she can't spell for toffee! I overheard her ask a colleague how to spell 'inparticluar', he replied with 'its two words'. Immediately after, I heard her shut the drawer where she keeps her dictionary. I hoped she was searching under 'I'!
( dub-girl, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 21:44, Reply)

This is so stupid..
..it sounds like I made it up, but honestly, hand on my heart, this is true.

Standing on the pier in Great Yarmouth, looking out to the line of grey rocks put out to serve as a tide break for the beach. An American couple (yes, sadly it was them) come up to me, about in their 60s, and the man asks: "Are those the White Cliffs of Dover?"

I am staggered. Don't really know what to say, and managed to blurt out something along the lines of "No, the White Cliffs of Dover are about 300 miles that way, in Dover, and on this side of the sea."
( Loz I'm still here., Tue 11 Jan 2005, 21:38, Reply)

not so much overheard, as asked
my mum's friend came round and asked me to put the contents of a CD-ROM onto a floppy disk. I kept my composture and tried soooo hard to explain that it wouldnt happen. She was adamant, she claimed that because the game (which came free in cereal btw) was on a CD-ROM it didnt work, and that by putting it onto a floopy, it would. I then proceeded to give her a little demonstration with the numbers on the computer and a tiny maths lesson... about 600 MBs of data won't go onto a 1.4 MB disk, turns out it wasnt working because thier computer is ancient, this is the same lady who doesn't trust smart cars at all for the reason that they "smell funny" and so has discounted them as a good solution to pollution and congestion...

absolutely no apologies for girth, you know you like it like that ;)
(The Cosmic Boy Zombie (Formerly Pirate Cat), Tue 11 Jan 2005, 21:34, Reply)