listen to the slut
i dropped some drunk whore at her house after a party. she didnt evan offer me a blowjob for my trouble. anyways she lived out of the way in some freaky deaky woods that id never been to before. she told me the exact directions out of this place and i sort of tuned out after the first few words. anywhoo i ended up driving around some fucking wank village for 2 hours then ended up in central london which is a major detour to get home. last time i give a drunk slut a lift home unless i know its a sure thing.
(fwack bang on it, Thu 4 May 2006, 19:43, Reply)

Not instructions per se
but I couldn't count the number of women's toilets I've walked into over the years by not comprehending the various words, letters or signs on public bog-doors. Well that's my story and I'm sticking to it.
(Chopper3, Thu 4 May 2006, 19:43, Reply)

dont play with air rifles your grandad lost an eye playin with one
so i got myself an air rifle and hid it. it took the near loss of an eye untill i got to thinking that my parents might have had a point
(fwack bang on it, Thu 4 May 2006, 19:29, Reply)

never stick a fork in the toaster
told not to, did it, a shock and all of the electricity off in my house later id learnt my lesson
(fwack bang on it, Thu 4 May 2006, 19:24, Reply)

i am seriously the king of ignoring instructions
i have a massive tendancy to ignore every type of instruction imagineable. the most damaging time i ignored instructions involved fire, very flammable pipe cleaning fluid, and me being very very bored at work. basically i got very bored and decided to make a fire. as you do. well the fire got a little out of hand and when i say a little i mean very out of hand. i tried to blow out a pool of burning liquid not a good idea i can tell you now. the pool jumped off the floor and onto my face and carried on burning. when the fire was out i went to the bog and looked at my face. there was an extreme lack of my beard, my eyebrows, my eyelashes, and my face became very blistered for about a week after. shit
(fwack bang on it, Thu 4 May 2006, 19:20, Reply)

non microwavable
when they say that they mean it.
curiosity didn't kill the cat - it blew up the microwave in my mums kitchen
(torture bunny lives under the kitchen sink, Thu 4 May 2006, 19:19, Reply)

KEEP AWAY FROM NAKED FLAME
spray paint + lighter = no eyebrows + no shirt
(torture bunny lives under the kitchen sink, Thu 4 May 2006, 19:06, Reply)

Newbie tuesday
HI ALL am 14/m/tx like th bord want to make lots friends lol. I LUV METALICA was wonderin if any ov u cud mebbe help me wit web design im not gud with computersLMAO go to my website www.metalicaizcool.com sign my gestbook if u do lol

see ya later

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
|#~METALICAFAN203~#|

A note in legible, non-retarded english:
Welcome as you are, new types, if you don't read the manual (FAQ), B3ta may break (you). Disclaimer: Metallica is spelled with two Ls.

OMG LUV U
CHEESECAKE
(Cheesecake Like a cake...But cheese, Thu 4 May 2006, 18:52, Reply)

You know that stuff that comes with football boots and says 'do not eat'?
Ate it.

Nearly died.

Don't eat it.
(An amusing and topical username, Thu 4 May 2006, 18:27, Reply)

Yup, the irresistible Sodastream.
I blew myself up with the Sodastream so many, many times and didn't even have the excuse of being a kid when the kitchen was once again sprayed with milk or cold cocoa.

Non-Sodastream anecdote follows -

On first learning to drive, I took the little future b3tan son for a spin in the family Cortina.

He kept up a constant stream of instructions -'Turn right here, then second left, roundabout...' and so on. This from a six year old! And me an adult, with all of two days' driving experience!

I tried to ignore him and deliberately turned second left instead of third, and found myself in a narrow dead end off a busy main road, from which I could only escape via a humiliating 88-point turn.

I listened harder after that, and he was ALWAYS right.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Thu 4 May 2006, 18:14, Reply)

Get busy with the fizzy . . .
Not a very exciting story, I'll admit, but here goes. I'm sure people remember the fantastic Soda Stream machine which enabled you to make your own top quality (not really) fizzy drinks. It clearly stated that you poured the cap of concentrate in AFTER you fizzed up the water, so inevitably I wanted to see what happened if you put the concentrate in the water and then fizzed it. Result frothing home made fizzy juice everywhere. Bloody sticky stuff too.
Apologies for wasting valuable seconds of your life reading this.
(garrison, Thu 4 May 2006, 18:02, Reply)

Food tech.
So, we're all lined up at the beginning of another lesson of Food Tech. Knives at the ready, today we're making pizza. Miss Judge parades the line of eager, wide-eyed faces.

"Boys, do wash your hands. The amount of idiots who went to the loo straight after chopping their chilli and came back in tears last lesson was ridiculous."
(The Disillusioned Starburst, Thu 4 May 2006, 17:45, Reply)

Its really safe - see!
For some reason many moons ago, myself and my good pal were mucking about with some item of gadgetry that I had stolen off my mum that was supposed to somehow suck the pilling off woolly jumpers and such. It appeared to have a little fan or something under a protective cap which had lots of little holes for the 'pills' to get sucked up through. My friend asked me if it was safe to touch, never having read any instructions to the contrary (or in fact any at all) I assured her it was fine, and proceeded to demonstrate: 'see you can put it on your arm (no pain), on your cheek (no pain) and even on your tonguearrggghhhhhhhh!!! (intense pain) as it tried to suck up all my tongue pilling. I was left with a bloody spotted tongue and a hysterically laughing friend. Ah good times.

There was also the time that our form two teacher told us to never, never, push too hard when we pooed otherwise we'd end up with haemorrhoids.
oops.
Though I really have to wonder how that came up in class???
(toffee pop, Thu 4 May 2006, 17:41, Reply)

rebuilding motorbike engines
few years back and was sharing a flat with my brother who was helping rebuild a motor bike engine for me, i say helping- i made the tea, anyway despite my constant suggestion to read the haynes manual to ensure it worked he refused and continued in his efforts, several hours later and all i could hear is excessive swearing and hammering, i investigated to find an iron spike that had been hammered through the engine in his absolute disgust that the rebuilt engine wouldnt work, instructions pah! who needs them, actually he did.
(faquar lives, Thu 4 May 2006, 17:30, Reply)

DONT ABUSE CATS
During my first few years of childhood - I had a lot of fun with cats.

I was always bollocked for doing things with cats. I remember one bizzare incident when I was about 7 and at the vets with my mum and our tortoise-shell. The vet stuck something up the cats arse... Amused, I asked mother what it was - 'a thermometer' was the response. Intrigued, I pushed it in right to the tip. Oh the joy of watching the vet struggle to get this thing out of the cats starfish. The cat was none too impressed either.

Anyway, onto a different cat and a few months on. Cat is stuck in my room. I have a pair of scissors. Hmmmm. What to do. I remember a few weeks earlier asking my mum what the cat used it's whiskers for. I was told it was so they could feel their way through dark places and balance (spatial awareness for us nerds. SNIP. Off they come.

Cue mother coming home to see strange looking cat. She couldn't quite figure out what was wrong.....oh, hang on, cat doesnt have whiskers. Odd. Even top whiskers near eyebrows have gone.......'Who's chopped off the cats whiskers??' Reply = 'Not me'..... Mother proceeds to go into my room and finds scissors and a pile of neatly laid out whiskers under bed. Has to get dad to bollock me as she's laughing so much.

I love cats now, but back then it was rather amusing to do these sorts of things to them. Especially when you're told not too!!
( Chicken Skin Bag Making pearl necklaces since, Thu 4 May 2006, 17:26, Reply)

Genetics
I am male, and therefore am genetically designed to ignore all instructions.
(fried gold, Thu 4 May 2006, 17:23, Reply)

Wigglywoo
I'm sorry but did anyone else read Wigglywoo's story about the 'boogie man' and then imagine a pimp jiving round her bedroom? Or is it just me?

(Sorry Legless, no obligatory crap story, er, roflmao, asl? lolzor!111!!!one). Oooooh I can practically hear Joanna Lummley telling me I've got mail.
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Thu 4 May 2006, 17:20, Reply)

I guy I work with just told me this one
He'd just bought a new direct-drive washing machine - one of those that spins so quietly that you can put 20p upright on top of it and it won't fall over.

His wife was a little sceptical of this as she thought this was just all marketing bollocks.

Anyway, he plumbed it in and connected it up there and then in the middle of the kitchen to prove her wrong. Balanced a 20p piece on top and set it going.

All was fine until the spin cycle cut in and it started to leap around the kitchen rocking from side to side like a mad thing. In his haste to prove his wife wrong, he'd skipped the instruction to remove the retaining bolts that hold the drum rigid for transport.

The 20p was nowhere to be seen.
( chthonic, Thu 4 May 2006, 17:18, Reply)

DONT DO IT
today i got up, had a piece of toast, and went in to college. then i scratched my arse before starting the days work. after id finished my tasks i pivoted out of my cubical with a swift stylish movement of the 90 degree variety, and went home.
(George_Dawes, Thu 4 May 2006, 17:11, Reply)

cigarette lighter
picture the scene. i'm... must've been 5 or 6, my older brother, dan, is somewhere around 9. our mum has picked us up from school, and on the way home is dropping in at doctor's to pick up a repeat prescription for her CFS... now, me and dan are in the car all innocent, and dan starts fiddling with the cigarette lighter.

"you know mum says not to play with that, danny." says i.
"ah, it probably doesn't even do anything..." says dan, sticking his finger into the heating element thing.

there was a strong smell of burning flesh, and he went very, very pale...

mum wasn't best pleased.
(notjustahatrack peeling a sausage..., Thu 4 May 2006, 16:59, Reply)

Me Too! Miharu
Bah - it's getting like an AOL chatroom in here.

If you have to post a "Me Too!" at least have the grace to add a funny/gross/interesting story on the end of it....

I hate newbies who don't read the Faqing FAQ.

/obligatory story....

In Amsterdam I repeatadly ignored the signs that told you to "Look Right" and was repeatedly mown down by those fecking cyclists and their silent bikes.... One vist, run over four times.

/Obligatory story...
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 4 May 2006, 16:52, Reply)

abuse
When I was about 12 we had the special class about abstinence and baby-making. We all had to take home an electronic baby-thing that would cry and you'd have to stick the correct key into its back.
The teacher told me to make sure I supported its head(which was on a hinge) or the "ABUSE" light would come on and it'd cry forever.
Well, I wasn't careful enough and let its head fall back. It snapped off of the hinge and rolled across the floor, and the thing started to scream, no key worked so I had to yank the battery out.
So I showed up at my teacher's house on Saturday with a beheaded, disemboweled baby in my arms. I still passed the class somehow.
( trintrin has jam for blood, Thu 4 May 2006, 16:51, Reply)

I was told not to keep carrying my ex's laptop around the flat
I dropped it on my foot as i was walking down the hallway.

Dont know why he complained so much - he got a lovely shiny new one out of the insurance!

I wasn't allowed near it :(
(Mogg Questioned her own sanity on, Thu 4 May 2006, 16:51, Reply)

Back in the day of being 4years old
getting me to go to bed and stay was a real hassle for my parents. So along came the story that if i didn't go to bed early the boogieman would see me through the windows and come get me.

My Dad used to dive quite alot around this time and often had to dry his suit out before the next day.

I have a scarring memory of running around the hallway, after i was told to go to bed or the boogieman was going to eat me, and into the bathroom. There stood a large fat green man with no head and with arms outstreched ready to eat me!

After much screaming and weeage, i found out that Dad had to blow his suit up and left it in the bathtub to dry out.(I also wouldn't have put it past him that he also did this on purpose)

I learnt my lesson.
( wigglywoo i like jelly beeeeaaaans!, Thu 4 May 2006, 16:41, Reply)

CLOSED ----------------- OPEN
On the top of a nitrous oxide gas cylinder, the above instructions can be found. To change the gas bottle, it is wise to make sure the CLOSED intstructions are adhered to. If not, you and your colleague may be stood in the enclosed room giggling like loons whilst trying to turn off the mega stream of laughing gas emerging from said cylinder.

As you may be aware, nitrous oxide is used as an anaelgesic and in surgery as a secondary form of anaesthesia. Two scrubbed-up people wielding scalpels and artery clamps whilst pissing themselves laughing does not look professional, especially when one of them suffers from stress incontinence.
( no longer a user, Thu 4 May 2006, 16:39, Reply)

Scuba Diving
Lots of safety rules. I have seen all of them broken.

1) "Never dive alone" - Whoops, count 1 missing, presumably dead BSAC dive officer in charge of SAFETY. (Shame, t'was a nice guy).

2) "Always surface with 50 Bar (1/4 tank)" - In the Galapogos I got a bit concerned when the dive guide kept siganalling "OK" when I was down to 50, 40, 30, 20 then 10 Bar (5 percent of tank left), NO IT'S NOT FUCKING OK! I DONT HAVE GILLS YOU TWAT!

3) "Never drink or smoke before a dive" - Diving instructors are huge pissheads (generally) & more than one has blown fag smoke into his BCD for an underwater blowback later on. Luckily you can vomit through a requlator and there is nothing more charming than watching a fish feeding frenzy on recently blown chunks.

4) "Dive Knives are tools not toys" - So why were you re-enacting 'Thunderball' by having an underwater pretend knife fight then?...

5) "Leave the wildlife alone" - ...And why did you stab that fish?

etc
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 4 May 2006, 16:38, Reply)

Ahh, exams...
Well, in sixth form, we'd been instructed by the Geography teachers to only answer the questions in subjects we'd been taught about. Sounds easy enough, right? Not for one bloke. He answered a question on volcanos, something we hadn't been taught, because he'd seen a programme about them on the telly the night before. Twunt.
( mr_wicksy is.... old., Thu 4 May 2006, 16:35, Reply)

"Don't go near swans, they'll break your arm."
Will they bollocks. In years of proximity with swans, neither I nor anyone else I know has ever sustained a fracture off one. Not even a black swan, and everyone knows they're the highest level.

Mind you, I did get savagely mugged once in the Norfolk Broads by a mallard duck. Cunt flew off with my Marmite sandwich.
( weebear1974 discovering the joy of cat rape since, Thu 4 May 2006, 16:28, Reply)