women
invited a long time known friend for a bit of fun over the past couple of days. made it clear to her i only wanted to mess about. she asks if we have a future. i say no.

needless to say women are ugly when they cry.

so i do the manly thing. an say it was all my fault.

cheered her up. if she fugging listened she wouldnt be ugly when she cries....
(konigsred, Fri 5 May 2006, 20:58, Reply)

Ever seen those Guinness surger things?
Basically, it's a little metal plate on a plastic stand that you plug in, put a couple of teaspoons of water on, put your pint on, then press a magic button that sends some sort of current through the Guinness making it do that lovely cloudy thing and taste roughly like it does from the tap. Brilliant. However, you have to buy special cans of Guinness especially for use with this gadget - hence the warning "Do not use with any other type of drink" (or something along those lines).

Anyway, my boyfriend owns one of these, as he is a massive Guinness fan. The day he bought it, we were on our way to a friends house as said friend's mum was away. Time to parrr-tay, needless to say. Not too long a while later, boyfriend had consumed and thoroughly enjoyed all his surger cans and had resorted to lager. Now, somewhere in his brain a little voice piped up and said "This tastes like shit. Maybe it'll taste better if I surge it. Maybe it'll taste like Guinness!".

So, on goes the water, the pint of lager, and the appliance it switched on. Seconds later, the lager has miraculously turned entirely to head with froth billowing out of it all over our friend's kitchen worktop.

Mmmmm... sticky.
( useful_idiot, Fri 5 May 2006, 20:06, Reply)

16 years old, biology lesson...
GCSE Biology was boring. No question about it, and this being near the exams I already knew all the stuff. Every lesson consists of the teacher explaining stuff I already knew for the umpteenth time to some numpty.

So every lesson also consists of sitting at the back and talking to my mate. This usually results in my teacher telling me (in a lovely Scottish accent) that "Sam, I'm going to get annoyed in a minute. No, I'm already annoyed; I'm going to get ANGRY in a minute!"

This shuts me up, but in five minutes I've forgotten and am talking again. "Sam, if you continue to talk, you will go to the headmaster!"

Shit. This time it takes me ten minutes to start talking again, but talk I do, when I'm interrupted by:

"SAM! GO TO THE HEADMASTER! NOW!!!"

Fucksocks, this guy is for real. The science block at school is some distance from the headmaster's office, and the biology labs are on the 6th floor, so I was planning to trudge back slowly and just spend the rest of the lesson in my house and hope the biology teacher didn't talk to the head. What was I supposed to say after all? "Hi headmaster, Biology teacher sent me..."

Anyway, as I was thinking this, other events were developing in the classroom. A friend tells me that the teacher stood there silently for a few seconds, looking rather confused. Then: "Shit." And runs out of the room.

I was on about the fourth floor when I heard the dulcit Scottish tones shouting down the stairs: "SAM! Come back! Don't go to the headmaster!"

Great, I think. So I go back, and then to save his honour he pulls me up in front of the class and says: "Now you've got a choice. You can either stay in here and behave, or you can go to the headmaster!"

Looking back on it, I should have called his bluff again and gone to the headmaster. Oh well, had enough fun for one day.

The story has spread to younger pupils and he denies it vehemently.

P.S. Got my A*
(Mr_Jums, Fri 5 May 2006, 19:52, Reply)

13 years old, electronics lesson...
"Make sure you always put the soldering iron back in the holder."

Screw this, thinks I, I'll be picking it up again in a matter of seconds. It is wise, in these instances, to look at the soldering iron while picking it up.

I actually had it poised over my circuit board before I realised that I was holding it by the wrong end. Then the heat hit me. Had burns for a week.
(Mr_Jums, Fri 5 May 2006, 19:45, Reply)

My brother,
being 5 years old and illiterate, asked me which tube the toothpaste was in. MacCleans and Savlon were (maybe still are) very similarly packaged so, being an older brother, I pointed to the Savlon and left the room.
The only thing that wiped the smile off my face was the smack my dad gave me for it.
( Butters and his titanium codsocket, Fri 5 May 2006, 19:16, Reply)

The Medication is working
I once saw a sign saying 'Please ignore this sign!'

I still have nightmares!!!!
(Killa, Fri 5 May 2006, 19:01, Reply)

Ammonia
"Don't sniff the ammonia" says our northern bitch of a teacher. "Fuck that," think I, "this ain't no dang nanny-state, pass the beaker, someone."

So of course I sniffed it, and was promptly sent reeling, nose aflame. Much tutting and "I told you so"-ing ensued.

Then a friend of mine turned up (late), and I made her suck up a lungful of it, saying it smelt like the pear drops we were (unsucessfuly) making. She nearly passed out, vomited, and cried hysterically, in that order. I got a week of detentions. Worth it.
(youthink, Fri 5 May 2006, 18:45, Reply)

Back when I was about 13
I stayed on a farm with my family and a mate's family in Italy. The fancy phrase is agro-tourismo, but it basically means you pay less and get the privelidge of living with the pigs for 2 weeks. The place was OK, just what you'd expect of Southern Italy. Stank a bit of turd, given that they had a herd of Buffalo about 50 metres from my room. On an unrelated note, we had an interesting experience on the first day when a worker at the farm managed to walk under a combine harvester, which as you would expect resulted in death...The Police came and took our passports, it was all very messy.

Anyway, there were two abandoned mill things. Big white circular buildings. My brother, my mate and I had been warned on the first day not to go in them by the owner of the farm as they were overgrown and dangerous, but curiosity naturally got the better of us. On our first visit, feeling rebellious, we managed to get our heads around the door before chickening out and retreating to our rooms. Over the next few days we grew bolder and bolder in our explorations. By about the third day we noticed a strange greyish blob on the far wall. The interior of the building was very over-grown and so the back wall was inaccessible. Some clart thought it might be clever to try and throw rocks at the grey blob. Being young and feeble, it was a good half hour before anyone came close to hitting it, when my mate finally landed a solid stone right in the middle of the biggest wasps nest I have ever seen. We ran. We ran as fast and far as our little legs would carry us as a yellow cloud of fury billowed out of the hole in the wall, just like the cartoons.

We let things cool down over the next few days, mostly due the newly attatched sign saying 'Do Not Enter' in English.

Having forgotten about our mission, just getting ready to go out, I hear a loud buzz in my ear and then a sharp stinging on my shoulder. The devious bugger landed on my shoulder, stung me and fled the scene. I can't help but feel I deserved it though...
(Daveypants laffo, Fri 5 May 2006, 18:36, Reply)

arse / chilli mayhem.
you know the one about not scratching your arse after chopping up chilli? well guess what?

ring of fire? don't make me laugh! try sprinting to the toliet for some 'head against the wall, cold wet flannel making not one jot of difference'

still hurts now.

lh
(localhost, Fri 5 May 2006, 18:32, Reply)

Rudie Can't Fail
Sorry people, I know everyone's getting pissed off with the 'replies to messages/talk board' crap but this is one of those things that really makes my blood boil.

Good for you Rudie, tell them to shove the fine up their arse. They're all too eager to take £50 off you but god forbid they'd buy a fucking bin with the money so you actually had a choice. Terrorist bins? What an amazing coincidence, nothing to do with the fact that they're making a killing out of it, pun not intentional. Bastards. Like Rudie I go out of my way to make sure my smoking effects other people as little as possible and to get screwed over with this entrapment for profit crap really pisses me off.

Sorry everyone. Rant over.

EDIT: However, buy a TV license, the BBC is one of the most important institutions in the world and you'll miss it very, very badly if it goes.
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Fri 5 May 2006, 18:21, Reply)

Do not litter: Maximum Fine £100
Ok, so there was the Wotsit Woman, fined a couple of days ago for throwing a crisp out of her car, and the bloke that disposed of his own private letters in a public bin.

Walking through the city centre on my lunch break one day enjoying a leisurely Bensonian & Hedges I bumped into a friend. In the middle of having a chat, without thinking, I threw the finished cigarette behind me. Tap on my shoulder.

'Is that your cigarette, sir?'

Wah! 'tis Dixon of Dock Green and his bum chum with an environmental warden from the council. They had blatantly all been hiding in a nearby phonebox or shop window waiting to catch a litter lout. Ladies and gents, that fool was I.

I was in a work suit, on my lunch and clearly not the crazed axeman they should have been looking for, however they namechecked and searched me! After checking I wasnt an escaped mentalist, the warden told me, 'I am charging you with an offence of littering the highway. You can pay the £50 fine in person or by post'

One of the coppers must have taken a dislike to my surly comments on how they could be employing their time better and started to patronise me. 'I believe the environment is something which should be cared for, it only takes a second, charity begins at home, blah blah oink oink etc etc' I said 'Yep thanks mate, but youve taken all the fucking bins with ashtrays away cos of bomb threats' He then tried to give me a little plastic white box with a red hinged lid to store my cigarette ends in. It had the councils logo on it and was designed to be clipped on to your belt. I felt like lighting another one up and putting it out in the rent-a-bums eye.

Didnt pay the fine, going to court in a month...(theme emerges)

PS I try to be eco friendly, ethical and green in my life and I hate people that throw cigarettes out of cars, and flicking fags carelessly. Bloody hypocrites...
( prem1um is full of life, Fri 5 May 2006, 17:11, Reply)

Kidney infection, Glastonbury
"Take one tablet 3 times a day, infection will clear up within 48 hours"

Excuse me? Festival will be over by then! So, let's take 3 every three hours, plus a load of erm, less prescribed pills, and top it all off with some pear cider. Fantastic.

It would be a much better story if I'd died or become a long-term burden to the state or something but I in fact had a top time. Possibly the different chemicals kept each other in balance and prevented meltdown, like the time a mate took 6 Nytol and 6 Proplus to see which would win. Both won. Actually, that's a much better story. Fuck it. Also, I'm secretly drunk at work as I type this, that's not in my contract, yeah? HA
(oranguturn, Fri 5 May 2006, 16:57, Reply)

They are sitting in a van outside your house now...
Lived in a house with five mates, usual story, partied hard, fucked the house up, owed loadsa money to landlord and utilities people. Doorbell goes one day and I'm the unlucky one who opens the front door, stoned as a biatch on skunk, barely able to see 2 foot in head of me.

Man with clipboard: Hallo
Me: Hello
Man with clipboard: Do you have tv licence?
Me(oblivious): No thank you, not today.
Man: Youve been sent some letters by us
Me: No I wasnt.
Man with clipboard: Yes you were.
Me: No I wasnt.
Man with clipboard: Yes you were
Me: Yes I was.
Man with clipboard: You do not have to say anything but anything you do say can be used as evidence in a court of law. do you understand that you are being cautioned under the Broadcast Act 1990 as you blah blah blah...

As his voice faded into the background, I started to find it highly amusing that this man was pretending to be a policeman. My girlfriend came to the door to see what was going on and I tried to communicate my mirth to her as the man read off my caution. So there we both were, in absolute stitches at this guy and his clipboard, with the sweet smell of mary jane wafting out of the front door.

'blah...blah...two weeks from now'

He gave me a piece of official looking paper. Completely forgot about the whole episode until two weeks later, a court summons gets posted through the door.

Went to court, charged with Sex with a Telly, Assault and Battery of a remote control and Violation of the Broadcast Law: not having a tv licence. £75.00. Which was still cheaper than buying a tv licence, cos I still didnt buy one after that...
( prem1um is full of life, Fri 5 May 2006, 16:48, Reply)

Dont mess with power settings
Years ago while studying for an Advanced GNVQ in IT. The teacher gave us some old PC`s to mess with so we could have a look at hardware, take a PC apart etc... These were the old style pcs which had the voltage switch on the back of the power unit.

"Kids don't mess with the power switches" Shouts the teacher.
"Ok sir" snigger us students.

So later on we are testing the PC's again, the teacher gingerly plugs it all in and flicks the switch with his foot.
"BANG!!!" Blue flames shoot out the power unit and teacher goes white. Result.

We got a bollocking. Worth it thou.
(Fishbone-didi, Fri 5 May 2006, 16:40, Reply)

Condoms: Do not dispose of in a toilet
Why?
Because they fill up when you flush and block the drains, causing your dad to open the drain cover in the road outside your house to unblock them, resulting in him fishing out the offending article (now swollen with subsequent flushings and full of god knows what), leading to a very embarrasing interrogation to discover what exactly you've been up to that requires a condom...
(Plyck, Fri 5 May 2006, 16:29, Reply)

Do not point air rifle at people or animals
well we thought, its only a bit of air, it cant reach the bird in the other field.
Turns out it could. oops.
(Anduril, Fri 5 May 2006, 16:28, Reply)

Another Chemistry One ...
Many years ago, GCSE Chemistry. We were using Propanol (I think) (highly flammable, looks like water).

Someone decided it would be a good idea to play a prank on one of the less popular kids, so tipped all of the unused propanol into one of the sinks at the back of the classroom. When it was well and truly coated in the stuff, he convinced this kid to light his tiny test tube of propanol and tip it down the sink.

Not knowing that the sink was already full of the stuff, and hoping to score a few popularity points, he did just that. And the sink went up in flames, at least two feet above the desk.

Panic ensued, and someone turned the water on, desperately hoping to extinguish the flames before the teacher noticed what was going on. Unfortunately, propanol floats on water - and so the fire continued.

At this point, the teacher noticed the small inferno. He sighed, slowly put the cap back on his pen, got up, strolled to the back of the class and emptied a bucket of sand into the sink. He never said a word.
(ILoveJackDaniels, Fri 5 May 2006, 16:26, Reply)

do not pierce
cans of expanding foam filler bear that legend.

so i put a can between two bricks and hit it with an axe.

you know that scene in the incredibles? where mr. incredible gets all that black goo fired at him and it swells up and engulfs him? well that kinda happened to me and a friend.

ah, youth.

lh
(localhost, Fri 5 May 2006, 16:24, Reply)

Go straight to school, directly to school, do not pass go
No thanks, I'd much rather wag it and do naughty things with girls in the park and drink beer in the sun. Okay, me and my mates had been caught playing truant a couple of times but hey, the good times outweighed the suspensions, detentions and getting caught by teachers, British Transport Police and the Old Bill.

One day about twenty of us decided to fuck school off and go to the park. One kid brought along his air pistol and some pellets and was messing around with it. We were all having a laugh, chilling out when two police cars pulled up on the main road on the other side the parks low metal fence. A couple of kids started legging it across the vast open grass, me and most of the others stayed put. Within seconds, two more police cars screeched to a halt in front of the two opposite entrances to the park and coppers ran in all directions trapping us in against the fence and catching the ones that had tried to make a run for it.

After everyone was brought together in an OK Corrall stylee we were all searched thoroughly and namechecked. The kid with the gun was taken away promptly and we were all told explicity to 'fuck off home'. The crowd of us dispersed, me and a couple of mates went off to the high street spending the rest of the afternoon on the bingo hall roof throwing chips at people. I got home that day, being careful to arrive at the normal time but my mum and dad were waiting for me. My dad had teh mad eyes and I had teh fear. It transpired that the cops had informed the school, the school had informed our parents and I was in the merde, deep deep merde.

Next day at school, I was summoned into the Head of Years office with one of my friends where the HOY was waiting. He was a tall fella with a bonkers schizophrenic temper and a shout that would melt your legs and make your nose bleed.

'Why were you not in school yesterday, boys?'
'Um, wagged school, sir. Sorry sir.'
'SORRY?! SORRY?! DO YOU THINK YOU CAN TAKE TIME OFF WHENEVER YOU WANT? DO YOU THINK THIS IS A HOLIDAY CAMP?
'Uh..sir..we were....'
'DONT YOU BACKCHAT ME, YOU FACETIOUS LITTLE CRETIN!'

Etc etc - in the face of 4 G's of pressure blowing our skulls apart we could do nothing, plus we were guilty as hell. He then went on to tell us that a resident across the road from the park had seen a youth brandishing a handgun. As with all firearms calls to police, an armed response unit was dispatched and had been parked in a road facing the park. The police had told the Headmaster that if the person had ran with visible possession of the firearm, they would have shot him with the intention of disabling and disarming him.

We were suspended for three days, however it deterred me not from playing truant. Just not around kids with guns.

Length: 38" Waist: 34"
( prem1um is full of life, Fri 5 May 2006, 16:12, Reply)

Ouch
This is more a case of I should have ignored the instructions.

At school, I cut myself pretty bad - I was slicing a bread roll into my hand and went a bit far cue a hug amount of blood, pain, scarring that's now gone - but no trip to casualty cos I'm a man and all that.

When I did it, a mate said to me "I hear that salt's good on open wounds" - I didn't notice his sniggering at the time. So off I dash to find a bucket of salt and pour a load over my hands.

Still brings a tear to my eyes now.

The duty nurse then poured iodine onto my hands.

Almost makes me cry even now....

Just goes to prove, ignore instructions sometimes especially where salt's concerned....

/ouch
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Fri 5 May 2006, 15:41, Reply)

Accidentally petrol bombing a lab
One of my Prof's at uni told me this one.

When using sodium metal in the labs you have to make sure it's totally destroyed before you pour any waste down the sink, as sodium tends to explode slightly on contact with water. Everything must be steeped in alcohol for 20 mins before you even think about taking it near water.

So this guy is working in the labs involving a reaction that requires you to add sodium to petroleum ether (think petrol but considerably more flammable). This isn't really a big deal and the reaction goes without a hitch. Until he disposes of his solution down the sink.

The sodium ignites in the water causing the pet ether to explode and the sink to burp a rather pretty and rather big fireball; And the student to very nearly burp a code brown.

Apparently he looked quite surprised, but it's hard to tell with no eyebrows.
(Rushy, Fri 5 May 2006, 15:40, Reply)

"Always wear gloves"
was the handy instruction on the industrial strength paint stripper tub. The sense of this should have been obvious from the claim that it could eat its way through 30 layers of paint in one go, but I thought it'll be alright, I'm not planning to get any on my hands. I did, causing the near instantanious disapearance of large chunks of skin, it hurt.

To cap it all, the alkali based paint stripper comes with an acetic acid neutraliser, i.e concentrated vinegar. A brilliant idea formed itself in my brain: "I'll neutralise the paint stripper". If you've been stupid enough to dissolve all the skin on your palm, the only thing more stupid you can do is douse it in vinegar in a bid to ease the pain.
(set_phasers_to_alkie, Fri 5 May 2006, 15:21, Reply)

Somebody sent me this in the body of an email:
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There was a lot more than that, but you get the idea.
I think it was meant to be a picture.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Fri 5 May 2006, 15:07, Reply)

Vaguely related
How many times have you wanted to cook something like beans or spuds, got the pan out, filled it with water, put in your beans/spuds/whatever, not lit the gas and stood there like a muppet waiting for them to come to the boil? What? None? Oh, that’s good... erm... I’ve never done that either. Don’t know why I mentioned it.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Fri 5 May 2006, 15:05, Reply)

Now i think about it....
I was never good at taking safety advice.

When I was given a catapault my dad told me not to aim it at people... Shortly after getting the thing, one of the lads on my road (who I was never a great fan of, a whiny little shit called Wayne) showed up a couple of gardens away and proceeded to taunt me with 'You can't get me, you can't get me...etc'
This obviously pissed me off, and made me decide I was going to at least try to get him.
I let fly, and the marble sized stone arched majestically through the air and caught him good and hard mid gut. The taunting stopped abruptly, and he bent double and fell off whatever he had been standing on.
The momentary elation disapeared pretty quickly as I realised

1) I might have killed him (well.. I was young... I panicked!)
2) If I hadn't killed him, I would be well and truly fucked if he blabbed to his parents.

I hadn't killed him (sadly, in hindsight...) and he did blab - the next day I got home from school to find dad sat at the table with my catapault in front of him and a very dark look on his face. He had already cut the elastic of the catapault.... eek
(Captain Happy, Fri 5 May 2006, 15:03, Reply)

Playing with knives....
When I was given my first pen knife as a lad, my dad issued me with some stern instructions along the lines of:

1) NEVER run your finger along the blade
2) ALWAYS cut away from yourself.

Curious as to exactly how sharp the blade of the knife was, I ignored the first instruction within 24 hours of getting the knife and managed to slice open my thumb pretty nicely thankyou.

It took some years for me to ignore the second one in true style... trying to get some packing of a new dishwasher I slipped with the knife (which was clearly pointing AT me) and managed to plunge it into my forearm. It bloody hurt and it bled like a bastard... I guess Dad knew what he was talking about after all.
(Captain Happy, Fri 5 May 2006, 14:42, Reply)

superman costume
on the instructions it says:

Does not enable you to fly

its right! - it doesn't!!
(chixor, Fri 5 May 2006, 14:37, Reply)

I was instructed to stay out of Poland
by that nice Mr Chamberlain.
I ignored him, and fuck me, six years later I'm stuck in a bunker, having had to marry my bit on the side and poison her all in one day, and then top meself That'll teach me not to listen...

apologies for everything really
( MontyyouterribleCUNT I gave Jeremy Kyle cancer, Fri 5 May 2006, 14:19, Reply)