What do you call a cunt who writes on underwater boats?
Subscribe you cunt
b3ta.com/subscribe
( rob, Fri 16 Aug 2019, 19:44, Reply)

How many Tourette's sufferers does i-SOAPY TIT WANK!
Bum. :/
(STFU! I said STFU!, Fri 16 Aug 2019, 15:56, Reply)

She asked me this morning: "At what time are you leaving?", to which I replied: "Brexit."

(which means NEVER lol)
( Woodkovsky ☹️➝🚻➝🚽➝😣➝💩➝🧻➝😁, Sun 11 Aug 2019, 12:26, 1 reply, 3 years ago)

What's brown and driving home for christmas?
Chris Diarrhea
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 8 Aug 2019, 13:42, 2 replies, latest was 5 years ago)

What's the worst type of cake?
Backache.


Or neckache.







Or ballache.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Sat 3 Aug 2019, 16:42, 2 replies, latest was 5 years ago)

"How did you get on in the wanking competition, darling?"
"Well I didn't come first, but I held my own."
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Sat 27 Jul 2019, 20:25, 1 reply, 5 years ago)

Why did the chicken cross the road?
An investigator.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Wed 24 Jul 2019, 17:58, Reply)

What's yellow and very dangerous?
China.
( Jabberwoc misses D.R. and Quinch, Sat 20 Jul 2019, 1:26, Reply)

I went to the zoo, but all they had was one small dog.
It was a shit zoo.
( Tagnut loves pies, Tue 16 Jul 2019, 16:37, 2 replies, latest was 5 years ago)

What's got eight legs and is able to score shit despite never leaving the closet?
the x-factor judging panel
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Tue 16 Jul 2019, 7:12, Reply)

Did you hear about the naked waiter on minimum wage?
He's barely putting food on the table
(WinnieTheTurd, Thu 11 Jul 2019, 0:41, Reply)

Midnight conversation
"I'm a bat!"
"You're an Owl!"
"I'm a Bath Towel!"
( Whiffert Support the Free Balogna Movement!, Wed 10 Jul 2019, 19:42, Reply)

How do you know
when there's a singer at your door?
They can't find the key and don't know when to come in.
(glammerocity state of the art Luddite, Sat 6 Jul 2019, 14:10, 1 reply, 5 years ago)

Two Monkeys
Two Monkeys in a bath
"OOooOOOo EEEEEeeeee AH HA hahahAAAH!"

"Listen, if its that hot, put some cold in"
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Fri 5 Jul 2019, 21:09, Reply)

Why did the feminist keep overeating at Greggs?
It was the fault of the pastriarchy
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Fri 5 Jul 2019, 7:12, Reply)

Dancing on ice is launching in China. Except its set in a paddyfield.
yep.. "Dancing on Rice"
( Turboesprit Volume knob, Wed 3 Jul 2019, 19:30, Reply)

I once wrote a one-line story about the refractive properties of glass but it was so bad I got a prism sentence.

( Tribs 🦇 ↓ dn ʎɐʍ sᴉɥʇ ↓🦇, Tue 2 Jul 2019, 11:17, Reply)

A horse walks into a bar.
The barman asks "Why the long pause?"
The horse replies "Cot death".
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Sun 30 Jun 2019, 4:35, 1 reply, 5 years ago)

My doctor put me on a seafood diet.
If it's seafood I can eat it.
( gub~gub feeling great at GMT-8, Sat 29 Jun 2019, 22:24, Reply)

Why didn't Billy Idol start the fire?
Sorry I've mucked this one up. Why didn't get Billy Idol get arrested for starting a fire. Arson. Why didn't Billy Idol. Billy Joel. Why didn't Billy Joel get arrested for arson?
Because we, I mean he, didn't start the fire!
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Tue 25 Jun 2019, 3:43, 3 replies, latest was 5 years ago)

I heard a really good joke about UDP
But you might not get it
( H.B.Mupps, Fri 21 Jun 2019, 14:51, 1 reply, 5 years ago)

I was at my old rave club last week, but it was so rundown that stray animals had found a way in and were eating peoples stashes
The place had gurn to the dogs
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Tue 18 Jun 2019, 11:03, Reply)

Dougie the Dog
Took Dougie our dirty hairy dog to be clipped the other day. I told the groomer I wanted him clipped right back. He came out all clipped and clean and immediately went into his favourite tree impression...of a Douglas Fir. Sorry! Probably could have told that a bit better too.
(Super Twat, Tue 11 Jun 2019, 13:48, Reply)

Did you hear that the alphabet died?
Died from a vowel obstruction.
( $$ ✅, Mon 10 Jun 2019, 11:18, Reply)

My dog has no dictionary
How does it spell terrible?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 6 Jun 2019, 14:00, 1 reply, 6 years ago)