What magic spell does Harry Potter cast when he's constipated?

Expoolianus!
(The Porcupine From Purgatory we of all lost both have them, Wed 13 Oct 2021, 11:58, 1 reply, 4 years ago)

I've started a crane rental business
It wasn't going well at first, but business is picking up.
(visualdichotomy will be otherwise occupied until, Sat 9 Oct 2021, 19:46, 1 reply, 4 years ago)

Who is 19 and mainly fucks idiots?
Covid
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Fri 8 Oct 2021, 0:58, Reply)

I'm Sorry I've Written A Joke


(The Porcupine From Purgatory we of all lost both have them, Wed 6 Oct 2021, 16:24, 2 replies, latest was 4 years ago)

I'm Sorry I've Written A Joke
Q. What is the definition of irony?

A. How magnets taste.
(zabadak, Mon 4 Oct 2021, 9:54, 1 reply, 4 years ago)

Supermarket shortages are getting worse, no food anywhere
I know someone who cadged some herbs from a neighbour and has been eating them straight out of the packet, very low nutritional content.

I think they're living on borrowed thyme.
( Tribs 🦇 ↓ dn ʎɐʍ sᴉɥʇ ↓🦇, Sat 2 Oct 2021, 16:44, Reply)

Barking Powder
A man is taking his Petshop to court, because the dog biscuits he bought were very flat. Turns out the Petshop forgot to use 'barking powder' in the dog biscuits
(Roger the Shrubber Quack Quack Smoot, Thu 30 Sep 2021, 16:14, 1 reply, 4 years ago)

I’d like to talk about anachronisms…
…but now is not the right time.
(Delay Tactics Intentionally left blank, Wed 29 Sep 2021, 21:34, Reply)

My girlfriend said that my hair stinks!
I said that it's because I listened to her and stopped using 'sham'poo... I now use the real stuff instead.
(Iawn Cont In the Worlds before Monkey, Primal chaos reigned, Wed 29 Sep 2021, 16:15, Reply)

Which Bond girl had a highly explosive personality?!
Octanepussy
( Woodkovsky ☹️➝🚻➝🚽➝😣➝💩➝🧻➝😁, Wed 29 Sep 2021, 14:04, 1 reply, 4 years ago)

What do you call an arrogant Roman clown?
Supercilious.
(Smegg Wallace The O.G. Q.R., Wed 29 Sep 2021, 10:14, Reply)

I once got arrested for hitting my neighbour over the head with a teflon frying pan…
I was charged - but they didn't stick.
(mugatu., Tue 28 Sep 2021, 22:31, Reply)

Deborah Meaden has managed to distinguish a pallet of genuine Special Brew from a selection of imported fakes, all the while wearing her Union Jack business suit.
Yes, the Dragon with the flag on has the brew that is true.
(Covid69 Boris variant., Sun 26 Sep 2021, 11:36, Reply)

What do you get if you cross nuclear power with a potato?
Fission chips.
(drpdrp1, Fri 24 Sep 2021, 20:07, Reply)

I Can't Believe It's Not Butter Advert-Based Joke
I was anally raped by Marlon Brando.
(The Porcupine From Purgatory we of all lost both have them, Tue 21 Sep 2021, 22:55, Reply)

Bender-based joke
I went on a 9-day booze and drugs marathon and ended up with my knob up an annoying 'edgy' robot from a shit programme by that prick who made The Sinpsons that even bigger pricks say is ACTUALLY better than The Simpsons ACTUALLY and probably fucking is because The Simpsons is ACTUALLY a load of old fucking wank...I was on a Bender.
( Queef Smegwin U r a 🔔🔚, Tue 21 Sep 2021, 22:43, 1 reply, 4 years ago)

According to the post mortem, after being found in his Selhurst Park flat, it was determined that Only Fools and Horses actor John Challis died in similar circumstances to Bulgarian author Georgi Markov.
The pellet with the poison's in the Challis from the Palace.
(Covid69 Boris variant., Tue 21 Sep 2021, 14:00, Reply)

Vigil-Based Joke
I spent last night awake praying for the souls of all aboard a nuclear submarine full of ridiculous yet predictable plot twists and tedious flashbacks... I was on a vigil.
(The Porcupine From Purgatory we of all lost both have them, Tue 21 Sep 2021, 8:06, 1 reply, 4 years ago)

Boon-Based Joke
I had an idea for a TV show about an ex-firefighter who is not only a private investigator, but a motorcycle courier and part owner of a security firm. I expected no-one to audition, but one person did. It was Michael Elphick....which was a boon
(wodfir It's like I've never been away...., Mon 20 Sep 2021, 9:01, 1 reply, 4 years ago)

Spender-Based Joke Number Two
I was at a Shirley Bassey concert the other day and an 8ft Jimmy Nail lookalike was stood in front of me. The only way I could get his attention so he could move was shouting 'Hey, big Spender'
(wodfir It's like I've never been away...., Mon 20 Sep 2021, 9:01, 1 reply, 4 years ago)

Spender-Based Joke Number One
I saw Jimmy Nail in Aldi the other day....he's really tall! He also had 12 baskets full of food and drink.

I thought 'Blimey, he's a big Spender'
(wodfir It's like I've never been away...., Mon 20 Sep 2021, 9:00, Reply)

Why did the chicken have to cross the road?
Why did the chicken have to cross the road?

The transporter was broken.
(windaddy, Sat 18 Sep 2021, 22:48, Reply)

my wife said I was ableist for laughing at a runner with no feet in the paralympics
but it's not my fault, I'm just lack-toes intolerant
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Sat 18 Sep 2021, 14:10, Reply)

Why was Gloria Gaynor fired from her job as cricket commentator?
Because she never could say "good bye"
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Fri 17 Sep 2021, 23:55, Reply)

I don't understand how people get Jimmy Carr and Alan Carr confused
Jimmy Carr is the one with the bad teeth
(b0rk3d Jokes are better than technique!, Fri 17 Sep 2021, 13:18, Reply)

How did the new US Open ladies' singles champion
get back home across the Atlantic after her flight was cancelled?

Emma rode a canoe.
(The Porcupine From Purgatory we of all lost both have them, Sun 12 Sep 2021, 13:47, 5 replies, latest was 1 year ago)

What grows up into ice bears?
Ice cubs.
(The Porcupine From Purgatory we of all lost both have them, Sat 11 Sep 2021, 14:33, Reply)

What do the police eat at the cinema?
Copcorn.
(beanolabub, Fri 10 Sep 2021, 20:12, 1 reply, 4 years ago)

My Muslim friend refused to eat some bread I made with a fake meat-stuffing
Apparently it goes against the Quorn-Naan.
(markreynolds95, Thu 9 Sep 2021, 11:37, Reply)

Jean-Paul Belmondo reaches the Pearly Gates.
In his thick French accent he asks St Peter 'Monsieur, 'ave you rheum pour un homme? I was tres, as you say, 'cool'.'
St Peter says 'Yes, you can come in but there will be a charge.'
(Covid69 Boris variant., Tue 7 Sep 2021, 19:51, Reply)