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This is a question Take my Mother-in-law...

There's a reason there are so many bad jokes about mothers-in-law. You don't choose them, they just come along as emotional baggage with your object of affection. I'm lucky, my m-i-l is lovely*, but don't let that put you off telling us how mad your in-laws really are.

*No, really

(, Thu 8 Sep 2005, 9:48)
Pages: Popular, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

This question is now closed.

My MIL is a virgin... only joking... I hope...
but on a more serious note, I was wondering a "Mother in Law" is related to a "Partner in Crime" in anyway...
(, Tue 13 Sep 2005, 17:04, Reply)
Talking to my new Norwegian girlfriend a few years ago (she is now my wife), and I asked her about her folks. She said her dad’s tall, got dark hair, and is an engineer who is now more involved in management, while her mum is short and works with handicapped children. Which is exactly the same as my parents.

Just goes to show that you tend to go for people with similar backgrounds, even if they are of a different nationality.

When they met they got on like a house on fire, almost as friendly as their respective offspring.
(, Tue 13 Sep 2005, 16:42, Reply)
What are you blithering
on about makavel1?

Is that English?
(, Tue 13 Sep 2005, 16:24, Reply)
She hated me
She's a Scottish old trout, who liked nothing better than saying snide remarks to me over the dinner table on Sunday afternoon (in front of the whole family, including 2 rather big big brothers if the ex-wife), About how rough the East End of London is. She's from Glasgow for fucks sake.

She soon stopped all that shit when I turned up to her £300,000 at 4am one morning, paraletic, punching through all the windows of her home, jumping on the rooves & bonnets of each car on the drive (3) & jumping back in the cab.

The only thing I regret is the £80 fare, and th 15 stitches up my arm from getting it caught in her bedroom window. Nevermind
(, Tue 13 Sep 2005, 14:59, Reply)
Mother in law alone.
The cat was pretty much bald. There was only a small rectangular area, approximately an inch square on the upper right hind leg, that I had not yet shaved. As I looked upon it, razor in hand, I could not help a proud, satisfied smile from stretching across my face. This could possibly be the baldest yet, and my greatest achievement so far. I held the cat down firmly but comfortably with my left hand as I positioned the razor with my right, poised to take away the last sprouts of blue-grey fur. A hasty knock at the front door interrupted the final stage of my daily cat-shaving routine and my concentration was broken. I unhanded the cat. It stayed in position.

I rose to my feet and crossed the cluttered living room floor, taking care not to step on the many adult magazines and pregnancy publications that lay strewn across the threadbare carpet. Disgruntled and itchy, I opened the front door. There she was, my mother-in-law, Carol, clad entirely in black, just as she had been every day since my marriage to her daughter who had choked to death on a stray piece of confetti as we were leaving the registry office. I saw Carol maybe three times a year. She looked up at me with her sad, green eyes. The sense of suffering was almost palpable.
"I need it," she begged.
"Now is neither the time nor the place!" I announced defiantly.
"Forsooth!" she persisted. "Shalt thou not lend me thine shoulder that I may inhale thy sickly scent?"
I knew what she wanted. Even though her daughter's ashes had been scattered liberally around the Disney Store in Manchester's Arndale Centre almost three years previously, Carol still maintained that she could smell her on me.
"Carol," I pleaded. "Thou art mother in law and in law alone. Not in heart, nor mind, nor breast. Not in blood, nor milk, nor in the eyes of the Lord."
Carol would not be told. "But sire, I implore ye! Thou art my son in law and in deed, in memory and in soul. My need to smell the floral tones of my daughter's loins from the nape of thine waxy neck is volcanic in its magnitude and brutal in its dogged determination. I awake under moonlight, bile gargling like cold tea in the well of my parched throat. I retch in the darkness. I look down and my knees are like ruddy ears, laughing at my plight. My toes are in knots that shall take weeks to untangle. My shins hum with static, barking at one another. The sound is unbearable. My breasts kick angrily downwards at my thighs, while in between, my sweet vagina weeps..."

Carol went on like this for a while. When she had finished I couldn't think of an adequate retort so I yielded to her demands and invited her in. I sat playing Emlyn Hughes International Soccer on my Sinclair ZX Spectrum +3 for a couple of hours while she sniffed at my neck. "This should keep her going for a few more months," I thought to myself.
(, Tue 13 Sep 2005, 11:43, Reply)
Not a story, just an observation
I think being a mother-in-law is actually a genetic condition, and you can't help it.
My mum is ace, she has a heart of gold and I really couldn't have picked a better one, she's readily available for tea and sympathy, takes me shopping when I'm poor, and cooks the best fish pie under the sun. As a nanna, she's the best, she plays computer games with all my nephews and built my neices a fairy garden to play in, and can whip up a cake/fancy dress costume in a matter of minutes.

But as a mother-in-law she is a cruel heartless bitch, she gives my sister-in-law a dogs life, and reminds her daily while she'll never be good enough for her little boy, or worthy to raise her grandchildren. Poor sis in law is a nurvous wreck, and I don't blame her. She's even told her grandchildren that they can come and live with grandma if they don't want to live with their witch of a mother. ouch!
(, Tue 13 Sep 2005, 10:33, Reply)
My MIL passed away about a year after we married, but I have eight sisters in law, four with different religions who would so like to convert me. Big sister would ring every sunday morning for weeks at 7am to ask me to go to a Buddhist sect called Yi Guan Dao, which mostly involves banging your head on the floor 100 times. The second belongs to a more normal buddhist sect and is vegetarian but cooks texas steaks. The third changes religion every few years, one time she changed buddhist sects (from the japanese one where you chant for a BMW, to a more mundane one) she made the family move their father's bones to another temple miles away, but she's now an ardent Christian and won't even go there on his death anniversary. The youngest one beleived in the power of pyramids and cystals and aliens leaving messages, but she's now become a born-again Christian. We'll see how long that lasts. In Dallas, where five of the SOLs live, they have a pet dog which was the sole survivor of a group of weird taiwan religious sect followers who committed mass suicide. --Its a very quiet dog. apoleng.
(, Tue 13 Sep 2005, 9:30, Reply)
She Had Flailing Legs
She had flailing legs that whirred round like a Katherine wheel and arms that dangled below her knee's. She travelled everywhere on foot at speeds of up to 70mph, in keeping with the motorway speed limits.
Her withering arm lunged toward me as she vomited pure hate from her wobbling neck, buckling under the pressure of her weighty head and stooped hunchback.
But that was The Queen Mother for you. Ever the joker.
(, Tue 13 Sep 2005, 9:16, Reply)
I heard that an anagram of mother in law is fucks dead dogs cocks....

is that true?

as it is impossible for me to work this out on my own.
(, Tue 13 Sep 2005, 9:07, Reply)

I love gettin' balled by tacos. Do it all the time. It's their mothers you've got to watch out for... right nightmares.
(, Tue 13 Sep 2005, 8:22, Reply)
Katharine Tate's 'Grandma'
My MiL is indeed the nicest person you could ever meet (if she likes you!) and the most wonderful Grandma. However, she does have the most remarkable similarity to Katharine Tate's character 'Grandma'. Of good south London/Irish stock, she claimed to have suffered Tourettes 'before it was invented' and is constantly told off by the grandchildren for her use of the word 'cunt' on a regular basis.

A recent classic is her reaction to seeing photos of my niece: "Ahhhh lovely, lovely, lovely...........mind you, that baby's got a farking big 'ead, ain't it?"

(, Tue 13 Sep 2005, 8:18, Reply)
Tone Depear, I share your guilt...
I used to have the odd impure thought about my ex-MIL. She was quite foxy in her way, but its the way she used to eat bananas that did it for me. She virtually used to swallow them whole. Fascinating to watch.
(, Tue 13 Sep 2005, 5:30, Reply)
i feel i must point out that
an anagram of "question of the week" is "queens took the wife."
(, Tue 13 Sep 2005, 3:31, Reply)
I heard that woman hitler is an anagram of mother in law, is that true?


(it seems not everyone is familiar with the Tim-from-the-office-look smiley)
(, Tue 13 Sep 2005, 0:32, Reply)
Oooh new MIL type lady
is lovely. Really nice. Thinks I'm brilliant and is very happy about becoming a gran at 40 (considering her daughter's only 19 - she was 20 when she had her - very good about everything).

Only problem is, she helped us move house a few weeks ago, and I was working night shifts. One afternoon I woke up, having had a very unsettling dream in which I woke up to find she (the MIL) was giving me some enjoyable hand relief as I splept. I woke up there and then, a bit afeared, but with the usual gentleman's early morning parping great trumpet on the burn feeling a mixture of nausea and guilt. Fortunately, after about 5 mins of sweating I decided it definitely had been a dream, but I couldn't look her in the face for the rest of the day.
(, Tue 13 Sep 2005, 0:08, Reply)
Collapsible tank's Mother-In-Law has a Borderline Personality Disorder. "Strictly that doesn't make her mad, under existing Mental Health Law, but it certainly makes her a RIGHT CUNT."

My ex-wife had one of them, and she was a right cunt too. But she was nothing compared to her cocking mother. She was a middle class teacher type who had a summer house in fucking florida, and used to invite people to come on holiday with them, basically so when they got back they could wander round saying how wealthy and wonderful she is. Complete cunt. HATED her. Grrr.

My divorce is coming through next month. FUCKING HOORAY! Rid of both of them. Life is good! :)
(, Mon 12 Sep 2005, 23:42, Reply)
Time for a father-in-law one...
Not that we're married, or likely to be, but here goes...

Imagine a freezing cold winter in Gunma-ken, about an hour north of Tokyo by bullet train, and then an hour's drive into the mountains. The in-laws-to-maybe-be love going to the very traditional Japanese hot spring baths, so off we go, after a couple of words of advice from my beloved. Off we go, that is, separately - her & putative mother-in-law, and me and PFIL, whose English isn't even as good as my Japanese.

So - I manage to get butt naked in a room full of strange men, and to wash _before_ getting into the bath. All despite small Japanese boys who have apparently never seen a hajukin before, let alone a naked one, standing about ten inches from my wedding tackle gazing at me in wonderment (cue apology for length). And then PFIL just disappears into the crowd.

Now, I'm a little short-sighted, and the idea of going up to within recognition distance of each of about a hundred naked men to see which one I know isn't exactly within my confort zone, so I spent what seemed like four hours in the shallow end, waiting for him to come and rescue me, or at least buy me a beer...

Anyway, it was less embarrassing than my friend's meet-the-Japanese-family-while-in-the-bath story - his now brother-in-law gave him a big hug in the changing rooms and, in broken English, stuttered:

We are now family - I have seen your penis!
(, Mon 12 Sep 2005, 18:08, Reply)
My MIL used to say
"Change this Qotw, it sucks big hairy cock"
(, Mon 12 Sep 2005, 18:00, Reply)
Goldfish Samurai ...
My sympathies are with you too. Being told to 'just cheer up' is positively funny against 'demonic possession'.

Anyhoo, MiL is actually very nice and friendly, but just rather ahem 'set in her ways'. I usually bite my tongue, and have only really gone off on one on the occasion of being asked "Who's that fat shouty nigger on the telly". Fatman Scoop, for those of you interested.

Also, she doesn't get on well with her daughter. In fact, while I have no real probs wityh MiL, I do rather hate the way she winds Mrs Throbbe up.

Mrs Throbbe, has a fantastic but slightly loopy MiL. Ma Throbbes latest amusing example, from this weekend:

Having had a handheld electrical fly zapping thing demonstrated to her, the salesman asks if she would be interested in purchasing said item. "Oh, no thank you. I have Buddhist tendancies."
(, Mon 12 Sep 2005, 17:49, Reply)
I have it on good authority (from a close, personal friend - "Taco Balled Me") that an anagram for Mother In Law(s) is Eva Braun, or "Woman, Hitler." or perhaps "Hitler's Woman."

no length jokes, it might upset her.
(, Mon 12 Sep 2005, 16:22, Reply)
Not mother-in-law yet...
... but my girlfriend's mum. We get on ok, but the first time I went round to pick my gf up from their house, I parked in the (rather steep) road. My gf and her mum were in the garden, and walked over to the gate where I'd parked my (admittedly rather scruffy) old Volvo. As I shut the door, the handbrake cable let go with a cartoony TWAAAANNGGG! Leapt back in, foot on brake, into gear, really *hope* no-one else realises what had happened. Of course she was convinced it was dangerous because it was quite old, I mean it's not like Volvos have a reputation for safety or anything...

Week later, gf and I in my car, gf's parents in their car, following them to the cinema (we were going off to different things after). In two miles of quiet suburbs, gf's mum manages to lose me by heading through a quiet "Conservation Village" at over 70mph (area now has 6" high speedbumps and a 15mph limit throughout, not sure if it's connected with this incident).

To put the tin hat on it, some weeks after I got rid of the "dangerous" Volvo, her mum's car failed its MOT and needed a fortune spent to basically reattach the back axle, which was hanging on by two bolts and the brake pipes.

She's mental, but lovely really.
(, Mon 12 Sep 2005, 14:50, Reply)
My former MIL...
... never approved of my very existence, and insisted, to her daughter (my wife) and anyone else in earshot, that wifey could have done much better in her choice for a mate.

This witch was also a rabid born-again-Christian zealot who found fault in all who are not Bible-thwacked fundamentalist Baptists, including yours truly. She had a real joy lambasting my theosophy (not specified here) and my profession (biologist), since many of the things I believe (ie. cold hard facts of biology and other disciplines) are contradicted in the Bible. (I will not even bother to mention some of the ridiculous things that have come out of her mouth regarding dragons, floods and the age of the planet.)

(Now ex-)Wifey and I divorced because she was in love with someone else, and had committed adultery with that person. MIL was ever so happy that her daughter had broken my heart and our home.

nota bene: 'mother in law' is an anagram for 'woman hitler'.
(, Mon 12 Sep 2005, 13:54, Reply)
Mabel Del Taco
Hey there Anagram lover! Your name is an anagram of "Taco balled me".
(, Mon 12 Sep 2005, 13:32, Reply)
my ex m.i.l.
was a little 5ft tall, 45lb weakling. she was also a psychotic freak who took her anti-psycho pills whenever she felt like it, so she often double dosed. she washed the pills down with booze while she smoking a joint, then promptly fell over somewhere and had a nap. i often wonder why/how i managed to live with her hippy-child wanker son for so long... funny thing was, when she was sane and sober, you couldn't find a nicer person.
(, Mon 12 Sep 2005, 11:47, Reply)
My mother in law's husband, Charlie Tow, caught her sleeping with his skinny Chinese friend Fu Won. Apparantly she told her husband to take some deep breaths!

Incredibly, it transpired later that "Mother In Law" is an anagram of "Inhale, Mr Tow" and "A lithe Mr Won"!!! It all happened in Imwarn Hotel.
(, Mon 12 Sep 2005, 10:35, Reply)
This is a crap, crap one.
Sorry for blandless, but my mother in law's only been my mother in law for a few months. And it wasn't even her that did this. But always being a gung-ho, girl guide sort of chapette, I shall endeavour to relay the only yuk-yuk-yuk worthy thing so far.

My mum in law is a wonderful st Lucian lady (bit of a buddhist too), who is one of the sweetest women in the world. But she's been single since divorcing dadinlaw. Painfully so. So last time she came round to the menagerie (three snakes, two dogs, one big house spider we decided was pet worthy and two crickets I can't bear to feed to the house spider) she sat down with a cuppacha and we have a conversation.

Out of the blue my dear, sweet idiot of a man turns to his mummy dearest and in his dulcet received pronunciation tones announces

'Well you know what you need now mum. YOU NEED TO GET SOME COCK.'

No he wasn't pissed, stoned, on presciption drugs or even in a funny mood. Although this is why I love him so. He's the only person to meet his father in law (ie my pa) for the first time and say 'I'm sorry but I don't think I can talk to you now. I'm on a lot of mushrooms and your face won't stop pulsating'.

Forgot to say. His mum's answer to the cock line was 'That's probably right dear'. All in her stride, god bless the little bunchkin.

Bless. I'd apologise for the length but I have no confidence in my genitalia whatsoever.
(, Mon 12 Sep 2005, 9:35, Reply)
She's ok, I guess
My MIL is very nice in general, but from another planet. She's done things like: offer me her g-grandmother's honking bigass diamond for an engagement ring "except if you divorce, I want it back, you can't just run off with it." Uh, ok.

-On our wedding night hubby's brothers, sisters and mum came to the house, asked me to make them something to eat (I made toasted cheese sandwiches with an apron tied over my wedding dress. They didn't even give me time to change.) and then stayed well past 11pm. I was hiding from them in the living room, sobbing "Can't you tell them to go home?" I found out later that since we had co-habited for 4 years, 'the wedding night didn't matter anyway'.

-Next day, she let my very young nieces and nephews rip open my wedding presents "because you know, it's so fun for them and you don't mind, do you?" No, they're just the only wedding presents I'll ever have. She had already gathered up presents and the cards tucked under the ribbons SEPARATELY meaning I had about 75 mystery presents with no idea of who had given what. Took me 6 months of fishing calls to sort it all out.

-Constantly harps on my weight in this clueless nice lefthanded complimentary way, "Oh, you have such a lovely face... In this picture, you're really a good weight... I bought the largest size they had, I'm sure it will fit (it's 4 sizes too small)" despite years of me telling her directly that I don't like it and to stop it.

I guess she's somewhat like Barbara Bush-nice enough in a rich, priviledged, 'why can't the poor be more like us?' way. His brothers and sisters are the same. My family are hillbillies right out of Tennessee. I'm the first to go to college, my grandmother was proud to make it all the way to 8th grade and my great grandfather couldn't read or write. Truly a clash of two worlds.
(, Mon 12 Sep 2005, 3:19, Reply)
There are no in laws
according to todays youth, because all laws are gay, and coppers (fucking pigs) are all twats :D

Laws are sooo not in
(, Sun 11 Sep 2005, 21:01, Reply)

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