Chocolate Cheese.
Simply a bar of cheese, covered in Chocolate. It's probably gross, but the scope for advertising jingles is huge.

#Get on your knees for Chocolate Cheese!!!#
or
#Mummy mummy won't you please, buy me loads of Chocolate Cheese#
( ArghZombies No longer has a Leaky QUIM, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 8:24, Reply)

fly spray
except it actually sprays out flies.

another idea, courtesy of an old friend of mine.. not much more than a tagline, really, and probably not that great of an idea:

"The Reverse Toilet -- It shits into you"

surprisingly, no drinking was involved with that one.
(mysticmcj, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 8:20, Reply)

Don't want to piss on anyones chips but......
The target for urinals idea - already done - Here in Holland they have flies pictured on the urinals at Amsterdam Schiphol, and it has quickly spread. You can even buy little placky goalposts for your pub pee point

Milk Dispensers in Bars - the dispensers are available, just gotta persuade the bars to have them

Mobile Phones With Walkie Talkies? Nokia have been making them for years - www.nokia.com/nokia/0,,2425,00.html

Truth Phones - again already done - in fact this piece of software is available for Java enabled Nokias - www.agilemobile.com/al.html

My invention? A FAQ that once written, if ignored would electrocute the offender.
(Waynster James Joyce is fucking my sister!, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 8:16, Reply)

.
A friend in a drunken stupor once said that he'd had a great idea: a flashlight with a laser pointer attached to the top..."to aim"

...logic escapes him
(three hams, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 6:11, Reply)

Light sensitive windows.
Like those sunglasses that change from totally see through to dark when you go out into the light, except with windows. And not on your face. And they wouldn't go anywhere, they'd just respond to the weather.
(kaibosh, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 5:57, Reply)

A spring loaded frying pan
which would have a little pan on top of the standard pan, separated by a spring. When one side of your pancakes are cooked to deliciousness, press a button and *kafwango!* the spring goes, cakes flip, pan goes back, and cakes land other side down. Its genius I tells ya.
(kaibosh, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 5:50, Reply)

I've often been told that I'm too lazy to wipe my own ass.
Well, I thought about that for a while, and came to the conclusion that yes, I AM too lazy to wipe my own ass.

My solution would be to install a smallish but firm "extension handle", if you will, to the underside of a toliet seat. This handle would come equipped with a sizeable portion of toliet paper on it's end, and the apparatus would be used by gently wiping your bum across it's surface as you stand up after evacuating your bowels.

As for clean up of the "extension handle", well, that's not really your problem.

It's the problem of whomever has to use the toliet after you.
(deilbfe6ogcshnbcryjh, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 5:22, Reply)

Bah foiled again
I recall when I was ten or so, I thought it would be really cool if food came in magic packaging that cooked the contents when you opened it.

Ten years later, some jammy bastard's finally got it out on the market.

www.anglersnet.co.uk/reviews/hotcan01.htm

Should have got down the patent office sooner. Bah!
(Machinecurse, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 4:42, Reply)

inventions made when drunk
i switch my lightswitch off with a toy red lightsabre because i can't reach it from my bed, i have to really pull the telescopic plastic bits out fully or it collapses when i push it on the switch.

I've thought of inventions like:

auto phone speakers- you get a phone call, but you can't be arsed - when its a mate and you already know what they're going to say, switch on the phone speaker(tm) and they automatically reply based on your voice.

truth program built into phones, so you can keep your phone nearby and tell if someone is telling you a porky pie or not.

mobile phones with built in walkie talkies - decide on a pre-arranged channel, and when you're in the highlands or something you can still radio each other within the range of about a mile or something, even though you're out of the main phone network.

a portable mp3 player that can take different codecs - so you can crossfade dance albums (maybe even s&m by metalllica) if you so desire, or different effects on the songs.

milk dispensers in bars, like beer taps, but with milk.

bottles that have a plastic coating on them that changes colour when its the proper temperature to drink.

microwavable haggis - so instead of like an hour being boiled in a pan, three minutes in a micro - genius.

-All i can remember at the moment
(stomm, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 3:38, Reply)

Self-lighting fags
Strike'em against any hard surface and they spark into mellow, carcinogenic life. Especially handy if you live in the US, where no bastard smokes.

And while you're at it, why not waterproof self-lighting cigarettes for the bath? or shower. or sinking submarines. Coat them in wax or summink. Everyone's a winner.
(Taunton Mishap, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 3:27, Reply)

on the subject of milkbags
what if you made them from a material that didn't melt from the milk inside, but dissolved in warm water, so you could put the milk bags with the tea bags, add hot water and hey presto! Perfect brew.
(stomm, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 3:18, Reply)

I thought of a vacuum cleaner with no loss of suction.
My school mate Mark Dyson nicked my idea.

I also think teabags with 1 spoon/2 spoons of sugar already inside would be a good idea.
( mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 2:46, Reply)

Talking food for dieters!
Wouldn't it be great if people on diets could buy food that called them mean names and swore at them when they ate it?
(CrazyTreeLady, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 2:32, Reply)

Breathalysers...
A lock for your mobile/landline/keyboard to prevent you from calling or emailing people when you are under the influence. If over the limit, you will be barred from contacting people, particularly ex-es and people you fancy.
( Strangey is present at, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 2:23, Reply)

If I can be bothered...
I plan to invent a clock that is so small and portable that it will fit in to ones pocket - or when used in conjunction with a tiny belt or bracelet - could even be worn on ones wrist. Then when one is out and about, the time of day can be discerned by simply viewing ones own miniature portable timepiece. I propose to call my inventions the Pocketglance and the Wristglance.
(AdrianJ, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 1:54, Reply)

Handy Man Wank Shandy TM
Patent Pending :)
(cowsgo, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 1:52, Reply)

OMG! How weird?!
The other day I was thinking that it would be so cool if someone invented a squeezy bottle for milk to avoid 4-pinter splash disasters and morning cardboard mayhem when making coffee; only it turns out some bastard has already thought of it (but you can only buy the stuff in Japan - typical huh?). Oh, by the way - the solution is to buy sachets of coffee instead of jars ...... I'll get my coat then .....
(damndirtyape, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 1:31, Reply)

A special pint glass....
...that brews lager to your specification

The bottom half could be a brewery, you could pop concentrated lager ingredients in there and over the space of the night it'll gradually brew ale lager for you and fill the glass.

I'm still working on the cooling method... Some sort of polar bear may work
( beefandcheese, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 1:27, Reply)

During early childhood a border patrolman would
walk through the pasture surrounding our house. Was quite annoying, always tapping on the door in the early morning to inquire if we harboured any illegal aliens. In sheer cunning I tied ropes between bushes so he might trip on them while looking for signs of mexican aliens (aka wetbacks).
edit/ i named them triptraps
dad still laughs about it btw i'm 23 now.
(bolivershagnasty, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 1:26, Reply)

NanoCalories
By a cunning combination of gene-splicing and nanotechnology (using a science as yet discovered), nano-calories will not only contain all the yummy goodness of "normal" calories, (like the ones they use in lard and chips), but they will also contain nano-bots that will chip the claggy bits off your arteries on their way around your cardiovascular system.

The genius of the plan is that we'll only licence them to carefully selected companies; McDonalds, Walkers and the makers of Fray-Bentos pies, so that people who want to get healthy have no choice but to eat crap food!

It's a mad idea... but you know, it just might work.
( Linbox has a serious dunk habit, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 1:25, Reply)

you know when your trying to sleep?
And that stupid fucking song (you know, the one you HATE) keeps going round in your head over and over and over? How about some brain cotten? Just stuff it in your ears, use some sort of projectile to stuff a long line of it in there to drown out the noise. Not very logical, I know...
( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 1:11, Reply)

Twuntlights
Replacement car headlights that would safely pass an MOT which at the flick of a button on the stearing wheel, would instantly switch to 8-Bazillion Candelas to blind that Twunt coming the other way at night with his main beam on.

Company slogan : "Twuntlights - that'll teach the fuckers".
( Linbox has a serious dunk habit, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 1:11, Reply)

two words
rocket shoes

oh yeah, and electric coils in your bathtub that would keep the water warm by convection.
if they were under the linolium or whatever it is, then it wouldn't burn you and it would just heat the water.
kinda solves the problem of always adding more hot water and shit.
(Armer Farmer, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 1:00, Reply)

A curved spatula!
Aaaages ago I wrote to those Lakeland Limited people to suggest a curved spatula. Cos when you're making omelettes or pancakes you can't move it round very well.
Am I making sense?
I thought it was a genius idea. LL never got back to me, by the way.
( CaroWallis, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 1:00, Reply)

Insuated Sarking board
to overcome the problems of meeting the new Part L of the Building regulations with the traditional 'insulation between rafters' solution

Oh you mean funny ones.. sorry
( alistair, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 0:54, Reply)

Tampons for childs play things
In an attempt to make toys such as barbie slightly more education, i wanted to modify a slimline cigarette filter so it became a sort of tampon for barbie dolls, teaching the young lady owners during their tender years about the monthly surge of blood that would inevitably come from betwixt their legs. the only problem was persuading mattel to include the relative genetalia, and actually finding the enthusiasm to make the thing in the first place. seeing as i have very little motivation whatsoever, a letter was never forwarded to mattel regarding giving barbie a fanny (even though the response and humour involved within it would be more than worth it) and a piece of string was never crudely attatched to the aforementioned filter.
( Muns, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 0:33, Reply)

A modified CD Drive for a PC
that could cook miniture pizzas and pies
( StickFigureNinja is worried he may be on the list, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 0:29, Reply)

Babel Fish
not really my idea... but a good one - would make a few bob for whoever can figure out how to make one.
(JB^, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 0:29, Reply)

Maybe this only affects me
but I have trouble getting comfortable when trying to sleep on my back. Although this seems the most natural position for sleepage (and I have a much higher quality of dreams like this), I often find I get a crick in my neck. The main reason for this seems to be associated with that wonder of modern technology, the pillow.

The pillow raises the level of the head significantly above that of the shoulders, causing the neck to be bent forwards slightly, thus leading to slight discomfort with repeated use. But without the pillow the delicate cranial region is unsupported and it's worse. I can often only get a decent nights sleep when resting on my side or front, but this runs the risk of pillow injestion or even suffocation.

The solution? A bed with a pillow sized recess at the head end. The pillow is lowered slightly, allowing a more comfortable neck position, whilst allowing the sleeper to maintain the benefits of pillow fluffiness.

Mmm pillows...

...I need better things to do with my life than think about pillows
( Strawberry Dragon, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 0:29, Reply)

A coat/jacket with heat sensors to pick up the temperature inside and outside the jacket
which would some how either open little vents or undo the zip or something, to stop you getting too hot.
( StickFigureNinja is worried he may be on the list, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 0:28, Reply)