Monkey Monkey Monkey
This is a long one for a first post, but bare with me. You'll love it/be faintly disgusted.

I was recently on a school orchestra trip to Paris, and sleeping in a room with some good buddies. There was a tv in our room, so one of the first things we did was check out some french broadcasting, alas finding nothing of interest.

However, at dinner the same evening, some of the younger kids with us told us it would be worth our while to check out channel 22, further than our earlier explorations, as it would be worth our while, nudge nudge wink wink say no more.

Our expectations were low, having received this advice from boys who were only barely 13 and therefore easily impressed, but we did as they said and were, quite frankly, astonished. It was 8 o'clock in the evening and there, for the entire world to see, was a fully naked woman playing with herself. Only in France, we thought, and shook our teenage heads in admiration.

Later that night, we returned to the now infamous channel 22, expecting that later things would become more hardcore. God, how right we were.

We witnessed with growing horror/grim fascination/disgusted amusement, an old man, 55+, with thick body hair in more places than you knew existed (seriously, even the backs of his upper arms had a thick covering), indulging in monkey style full frontal bum sex with a girl who looked barely out of her teens. As if that wasn't bad enough, he then transferred his laughably small love muscle straight to the girls mouth, saying in a thick german accent: "you want to taste it again, huh?" this went on for a depressing amount of time, featuring spanking and, at one point, monkey-man seemed to have some sort of fit, until one of us had the presence of mind to turn it off, just as he told her: "move your poopoo to the right, you enjoy it more".

Anyway, to the point. Watching that extract, that's when I knew my desire to see porn ever again was over (or, at least, severely postponed).

Sorry about that, I just had to get it off my chest
(WarneMarsh My priority for frivolity begets quality jollity, Fri 22 Jul 2005, 23:23, Reply)

It was over fucking big time.
Imagine my revulsion and horror, when, during pre-coital oral on my then girlfriend, (a gentleman should you know),I became increasingly aware of an unusual, yet strangely familiar odour, not to mention taste. At the point of her orgasm, I was dumbfounded to witness a gobbet of man-batter emerging, no oozing, from the holiest of holies. More dumbfounded still when I realised we hadn't had sex for a fortnight because I'd been working away. Just then, a penny the size of a fucking man-hole cover dropped. Thats when it was over, funnily enough.
(davemission Drinking too much for a change again as usual., Fri 22 Jul 2005, 23:00, Reply)

Right Well...
Okay, ima not to sure if its actually over yet as i am still yet to get my results for my A Levels but i think these count as a sign that it is well and truly over:
1. I finished my history exam in 20mins it was an hour and 20mins long with 5 mins added time, and i didnt finish early because i knew it all.
2. I forgot to put in quotes in my english exam on Frankenstein.
3. I stupidly forgot to answer 2 questions on my second law exam making me lose 25 marks straight.

So fingers crossed for August 18th...Yeah ima scared
(Bhougal...hang me upside down from a banana tree and call me BERTTIE BHOUGAL>>>Oh Yeah...!!, Fri 22 Jul 2005, 22:47, Reply)

Things were rocky for a while...
....she had moved out, we agreed to spend no more than 2 nights a week 'living' together (I now read this as: I want the other 5 nights to go screw around).

Was this ample sign that I should bail on this relationship? Nope

Later that evening, we go together to our local. She doesn't even want me to hold or kiss her at all.

Was this ample sign that I should bail on this relationship? Nope

Some guy turns up who i vaguely know, she is all over him. touchy-feely, I caught a glimse of ass-grabbing going on. Gutted.

Was this ample sign that I should bail on this relationship? Nope

I turn around and find her and him simulating doggy sex over a table, moans and all.

Was this ample sign that I should bail on this relationship? Hell yes.

I calmly walked over, told her she should cool off and dumped my (rather large) glass of bright blue cocktail all over her head and white top.

Check please, cue sharp exit! (yes, I was in a bar in yank land)

No apologies for anything. i have no need
(shamen Geekius Maximus, Fri 22 Jul 2005, 22:33, Reply)

"Hi Alex[andria]."
"Who's Gemma??"
( TechImp is trying to be nice (with great difficulty)., Fri 22 Jul 2005, 22:13, Reply)

Bit of a tricky one this
Hum dee doo...
( Brown cow, Fri 22 Jul 2005, 22:06, Reply)

I was too nice to dump him sooner.
Beautiful eyes, best kisser so far (considering b4 him was the worst and first) but too quiet and a bit creepy at times.

(Btw this is the same bloke that was the worst date ever involving his dad asking if we'd shagged yet coming in after we were alone on valentines day)

Anyways, him being a sencitive Virgo I tryed to break it to him gently by dropping hints anyone would have picked up, but no show afetr 2 months and I was really tempted to just drop him where he stood.

One day I got a text from him saying he'd borght a purple fluffy thong with his mum and gran.
I dumped him over an email that night with all the its not u its me crap.

Got stalked for 6 months and didnt see him till 6 months later when hes suddenly turned into a normal Hippy. Good friends now, but I never told anyone about his thong, not even his fiance
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Fri 22 Jul 2005, 21:58, Reply)

I knew it was over...
when I showed up at my boyfriend's house on my 17th birthday. He assured me the girl sleeping in his bed in her underwear had "gotten tired" because she was helping him "clean the apartment." But he was cute and it was my birthday, so I took him along to my party anyway and pretended to believe him. Took him another week to get around to dumping me for her, and no it doesn't hurt any less if you see it coming.
( madrabbit is fully prepared, Fri 22 Jul 2005, 21:26, Reply)

I Knew it was over.....
....For the first time when the psychotic slag berated me for refusing to call a taxi at four in the morning to "bring me some fags from an all night garage". This after she'd drunk me dry, smoked 2 packs of twenty and almost an ounce of dope.

Stupidly I took her back, then dumped her again after several more trauma-queen incidents.

Luckily I was moving to the opposite end of the country shortly afterwards, still got "funny" phonecalls from her for over a month afterwards though.

Much happier now with a sane woman.
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Fri 22 Jul 2005, 21:11, Reply)

the name game
I knew it was over when I called current girlfriend "Kate" by long-time ex-girlfriend's name "Amy." This was particularly punishing because I still had a picture of "Amy" hanging in my house.
Nostaligia? Not really, it's just an awesome picture.
( kingoffools, Fri 22 Jul 2005, 21:00, Reply)

I knew it was over when...
I was walking home with the then girlfriend, and phoned up a friend of mine and told her I was in love with her.

I got punched by the now ex-girlfriend, and I screamed, "Stop being such an unreasonable bitch! No, not you. [The one on the other end of the phone]"

Still with the new one! Every cloud...
(Rotten_Cointreau is a proper scientician, Fri 22 Jul 2005, 20:57, Reply)

Disaster the next:
Quite a long time after Disaster 1 (see below): when she stopped saying "I love you" altogether, and didn't ring me up or come by or return e-mails with the usual and customary frequency. No warning, no indications that things were headed pear-shaped.

Not only that, she started disliking my dog, which she had previously adored.

The moment I knew it was over was when I met her at the pub one evening (incidentally, not by prior arrangement) and she shrugged, said Hello and went back to talking with one of her mates from work. Hellooo-oooo! Did I even exist anymore? Probably not in her eyes. It was OVER at that moment.

The death knell was a month later, I was chatting someone up at the pub and SHE walked right by the table, leaned over to the lass I was speaking with and said, loudly enough for me to hear, "You could do a lot better than him." (Who asked her, anyway?)

Grrr. London isn't big enough for the two of us.
( ronin9026, Fri 22 Jul 2005, 20:07, Reply)

I knew it was over ...
When A noise that sounded like Satan coughing up hair balls erupted from her front bottom mid coitus , and later that day she started painting upsidedown crosses on her wall ... I called it a day then with good reason .
(Captain Chronic, Fri 22 Jul 2005, 20:00, Reply)

Disaster the first
I knew it was over when she had said, "I love you, but not in that kind of way anymore." (translation: "I'm not in love with you anymore but I don't want to hurt you either.") Well, walking out of my life sure hurt quite a bit...

Grrr! That just stung.
( ronin9026, Fri 22 Jul 2005, 19:55, Reply)

When she said....
I knew my last relationship was over when she said; "i want some me time"... i think most people have heard that one before
(Hairy_Lee, Fri 22 Jul 2005, 19:37, Reply)

i knew my job was at an end...
when i set up a 7foot step ladder for my boss so he could reach somthing i was not tall enough to reach. it was then i realised why stepladders have those little locks on the sides, what a 6"2 heavily built 50+ year old builder sounds like bouncing off concorete and, of course, how to get fired.
i dont suppose it helped much that he found out i was a pot head by accident the same week, or that he is the most 'anti drugs' person alive. barely alive mind you

also, i knew the agony i had been suffering all week came to an end, when that fucking hoff compo finnished on the board
( Cashy, Fri 22 Jul 2005, 18:32, Reply)

I knew it was over...
...when the soundman said, I wish we were still in June.
( bobmitch - 2 : Electric Boogaloo, Fri 22 Jul 2005, 17:24, Reply)

I knew it was going to crash
when she said she was a high-maintenance woman and then tried to pass it off as a joke.

high-maintenance? p a r a n o i d d r a m a q u e e n

Edit: actually that's unkind, but she really was far too much hard work after a while, and it starts to offend when you always have to reassure someone everythings ok (when it is) and they still won't believe it or remember that you told them that for more than an hour or two - in many other ways she was great, but we weren't a good match, nuff said :)
(bloodyHassocks, Fri 22 Jul 2005, 17:19, Reply)

It was kinda easy for me
I knew it was all over when I found out that her and my best mate were at it. Kinda obvious in the end really, pitty though, I was pretty convinced we would end up married.

Ahh well, since then there have been quite alot of talk around town about her being the major suspect in large ammounts of money from previous places she worked, and she is now involved with a couple of guys of the bad sort (Dealers etc). Kinda lucky I got out when I did.
(oeb, Fri 22 Jul 2005, 16:58, Reply)

what have we learnt from this QOTW?
dump them now! they won't get better, saner or sexier. Bin that damn nutter now! and if you don't chances are YOU are the nutter...



*applies for clare rayners position as national agony aunt
(unlawful odour i dunno..., Fri 22 Jul 2005, 16:55, Reply)

knew (my life) was over
when i turned back from flicking a backward v sign at a gobby chav on my bike to see a 10 foot gate looming at bowel loosening speed. In a moment of inspired lunacy I noticed that there was a small gap between the ground and gate, enough for man and machine to slide neatly under. So I threw myself and my bike to the floor and unfortunately, as well as third degree pavement burns, the bike twonked me hard in the head giving me concussion.

Obviously I didn't actually die. But it really hurt.
(donksta, Fri 22 Jul 2005, 16:55, Reply)

more fun with blondes
I knew it was over when i upgraded to a younger, slimmer, better looking blonde.

With morals.

With a career.

With intelligence.

The list goes on... :)
(inspoken, Fri 22 Jul 2005, 16:38, Reply)

I knew it was over
when the tingling and hallucinations started to fade away.....
(Oops....did I say that out loud cos I really bloody want to., Fri 22 Jul 2005, 16:21, Reply)

Oh, soooo over
I knew it was over when I woke up one morning, after spending 3 years living with the a guy, looked at him dozing next to me and felt physically sick. However, I knew it was definitely over when I moved out the following week and learnt within 24 hours that he'd knocked up some village bint and she was already 3 months pregnant. The icing on the cake, however was definitely when he moved her and her 3 brats (of dubious fatherhood) in with him within a fortnight.

So over? Me thinks so.
(Loving Vixen, Fri 22 Jul 2005, 16:11, Reply)

Ex Girlfriend
I remember the moment exactly. Valentines day, three years into a relationship, she bought me a hand blender. A fucking hand blender. Now I'm not particularly bothered by gifts, or by valentines day for that matter. But when you buy a man a hand blender you may as well just come out and say "I fucking hate you and I want you to die".
(Octo I ruin everything., Fri 22 Jul 2005, 16:11, Reply)

Just ten minutes ago...
... I gave my retirement speech.
(Ally_Baby, Fri 22 Jul 2005, 16:10, Reply)

Tangent...
Coming out of Camp Corner onto the start/finish straight, nicked it up into 5th at about 90-100mph and the front wheel tucked under. Managed to save it but ran out of track and ended up with two broken bones in my hand and no points from that weekend. Gutted.

Women? Oh yeah, when she took me back to her Uni room and started showing me the photos of her and her ex playing hide the sausage.
(antonye, Fri 22 Jul 2005, 16:00, Reply)

I knew it was over when
I accidently sent an e-mail to a manager (at my old job)when it was not for him
(Wook13 Been away but is now ducking a fuck on, Fri 22 Jul 2005, 15:46, Reply)

LEGLESS
Sir, you are truly the next Jonny Vegas.

I salute you.

And you made first post this week... so I'd better make that... errr... two salutes.
(IcePimp, Fri 22 Jul 2005, 15:45, Reply)

over
I knew it was over when had made six legitimate deliveries.
(Rastus P Watermelon, Fri 22 Jul 2005, 15:43, Reply)